8 Changes for Better Sleep

My best recommendations to improve your sleep:*

*some are also "boring". Sorry about it. Better sleep is one of the best ways to support your mental and physical health.

1. Turn off screens an hour before bed. (Try charging your phone in a different room.)

2. Dim the lights in your house an hour or two before bed.

3. Try to go to sleep and wake up at the same time each day.

4. Cut back on caffeine, especially in the afternoons. (I know, this one is tough. If you're not getting good sleep, you feel like you need more caffeine. But the caffeine then increases stress and impairs sleep. It'll be tough for a few days, and then will get better.)

5. Reserve the bed for sleep and sex. (Stop watching TV in bed. In fact, get the TV out of the bedroom all together. This helps condition your body to know that when you're in bed, you should be sleeping. Or gettin' it on ;))

6. Move your body regularly.

7. Don't use alcohol as a sleep aid. It might help you fall asleep, but actually worsens your quality of sleep and leaves you feeling more tired in the morning.

8. And if you're struggling to fall asleep at night, try a yoga nidra meditation (there are a ton of free ones online!).

   Bonus: If you wake up in the middle of the night and struggle to go back to sleep, get out of bed and go to another room to read or do another (non-screen) activity. This helps train your body to know that the bed is for sleep, and not lying awake anxious about not sleeping.

What helps you sleep well?

6 Steps to Build Stress Resilience

We can build resilience to stress, through daily practices that seem hella boring, but work.

These practices help widen your window of tolerance. They help support your nervous system's capacity to cope. They help raise your threshold for stressful shit. They help you recover more effectively after stressful shit.

SLEEP: have a bedtime routine. Try to go to bed and wake up at the same time each day. Drink bedtime tea. Turn off screens an hour before bed. Use yoga nidra to fall asleep if you're struggling.

WATER: Have a cup near you most of the day. Set reminders to drink a cup every hour.

FOOD: Eat enough and often. Let yourself snack. Release the idea that a "salad" is the only healthy option. Sometimes emotional eating is okay. Be mindful and compassionate with yourself around food.

CONNECT: Call your friends. Text one person daily. Set up virtual hangouts. Reach out, even if you don't know what to say or if you'll get a response. Connection keeps us sane.

MOVEMENT: Find movement that releases stress. This might be exercise. It might be dance, sex, walking, yoga, stretches between meetings, who knows! Find ways to move that feel good.

NATURE: Look out the window for 10 minutes. Check in with your indoor plant friends. Go outside if you can. We are not made for screens. Nature regulates the nervous system.

What helps you build stress resilience? Where do you need some attention?

Want to hear more about stress? Listen to this weeks podcast episode! We'll talk about what stress is, how it impacts your body, how to recognize when stress is present, how to build stress resilience, and tools you can use right now to release stress.

Journaling Podcast

Every therapist for all of time has recommended journaling.

I love journaling. There are so many benefits, including:

• Reduces stress

• Helps manage depression and anxiety

• Increases self-awareness

• Helps you track progress

• Helps you identify and cope with triggers

• Space to practice self-compassion

• Helps you get more intentional

• One (of many) ways to show yourself that you care about yourself

More on the benefits of journaling and HOW TO JOURNAL on the new episode of the Toni Talks Therapy podcast. Listen on Anchor or wherever you get your podcasts!

You can also download 30 days of journal prompts to build self-awareness and self-compassion here.

6 Steps to Meeting Your Needs

How the hell am I supposed to know what I need?

I hear this often from the therapy couch. 

If you grew up in a family system where your primary caregivers weren't attentive to your needs, this question can feel impossible. If you were or are constantly tending to those around you, rather than yourself, this question can feel silly. If you feel shame about being someone who needs things from others, this question can feel preposterous.

When you over-focus on others, or are not accustomed to being focused on, it's difficult to know what you need from yourself, let alone from others.

The good news is that you can learn to tend to yourself. You can learn what you need, over time, and begin meeting those needs yourself, and letting your support-people show up to meet your needs, too.

1) Practice asking yourself "what am I feeling right now?"

Your emotions are often a primary signaler of met or unmet needs. Example: If you're feeling lonely, it is because a need for connection is going unmet.

2) Follow-up that question with "what might I need right now?"

Once you've identified the feeling, you can ask what you need. This might be for soothing, for release, for distraction, for reflection, who knows! Especially early in the process, you might come up with a big blank here. That's okay and to be expected. Ask the question anyway. Part of meeting your needs is just learning how to ask about them.

3) Experiment.

Walk, talk, draw, journal, watch TV, eat a snack, drink some water. Make a big-ass list and try a bunch of things over time. It's okay if this feels random at first.

4) Check in on the impact.

Does the feeling seem more manageable? Do you feel more grounded? Don't expect whatever negative feeling you started with to just go away. That's not the barometer for meeting your needs. Check in whether you have more capacity, if the intensity of the emotion changed, if you feel more able to breathe, etc. This will tell you whether the thing you tried to meet the need actually filled that need, or not.

5) Take mental (or physical) note of what felt helpful and what didn't.

This helps you hone in over time on what you need.

6) Repeat. Over and over again.

The more you try, the more you know. Over time, you might realize that when you're feeling anxious, what you really need is to go outside, play out the worst case scenario ONCE, and then distract with a good book. You might find that when you're depressed, you need to journal and do something productive.

This is an iterative process. Be patient with yourself, and keep asking the questions.

4 Steps to Feeling Your Feelings

Got a lot of feelings right now? Me too. Like...so many.

And you’ve probably heard therapists the world over say “feel your feelings” or “make space to feel” or “honor those emotions.” But what does all of that really MEAN?

It's important to make space to feel your emotions. If you don't, then they will make themselves known, and likely not at a moment of your choosing. Emotions aren't meant to be ignored and put away. They are there to spur us to do something and care for ourselves.

but HOW do you feel a feeling? Here's a quick guide:

1) Name it. Pull out an emotion wheel (google it) and find a few words for what you're feeling. It might be one emotion, it might be a bunch at once. There are no rules here. Find some feeling words! Anxious? Sad? Angry? Content? Excited? 

Here are some emotions grouped together that you might be feeling:

anger

rage

exasperation

irritation

envy

disgust

agitated

frustrated

annoyed

shocked

surprised

powerless

stunned

astounded

speechless

confused

disoriented

disillusioned

engaged

sad

disappointed

despairing

depressed

guilty

hurt

ashamed

grieving

lonely

happy

proud

content

satisfied

enthusiastic

optimistic

cheerful

delighted

amused

curious

anxious

nervous

insecure

terrified

overwhelmed

panicked

worried

dreadful

scared

2) Name how your body is feeling. Really feel those sensations, don't just think them. How your body is experiencing these emotions gives you a lot of information. Checking in with your somatic experience keeps your more connected to yourself and more able to take care. What do you feel? Tension in your chest? Heaviness in your belly? Tingling in your arms? Constricted breathing? 

Here are some body sensations you might notice:

tense

tight

tender

nauseous

sore

achy

constricted

bubbly

tingly

shaky

trembling

queasy

fluttery

electric

prickly

burning

radiating

congested

thick

dull

frozen

buzzy

heavy

cold

numb

hot

hollow

empty

knotty

warm

cool

airy

spacious

expansive

fluid

solid

floaty

cool

smooth

Approach all of this with the mindset of "this emotion is tolerable, and I don't have to get rid of it right now." That's it! You felt a thing!

After you've done this, you might want to do something about it. You might want to soothe the feeling or give yourself some care and compassion.

3) What thoughts are attached to this feeling? Our thoughts, the stories we tell ourselves about something, can exacerbate the feeling or calm it. Are your thoughts judging the emotion? Are you telling yourself the emotion must end RIGHT NOW? See if you can practice some self-compassion: "It makes sense that I am feeling X" or "it is okay to feel X". Removing judgement can make the emotion easier to tolerate. Ask if the thoughts accompanying that emotion are true, kind and useful. If they're not, try to generate a thought or two that is.

4) Ask yourself what the emotion is trying to communicate. It's not a pointless thing, it's trying to get you do move or do something to meet your needs. Ask, what do I need right now? Anxiety might mean it's time for a break. Sadness might mean it's time for connection. Anger might be time for self-expression (just examples). Ask what you need and do that thing.

How are you doing right now?