I was recently reading Ashley C Ford’s memoir, “Somebody’s Daughter” and came across a quote that has continued to stay with me.
"In the stillness of the nights that kept on coming at the end of every day, no matter how pleasant or productive the day had been, I wondered if something was wrong with me for ever loving my father in the first place. It made sense why everyone who knew the truth couldn't look me in the eyes when I asked. They didn't want me to feel ashamed, but they already felt ashamed for me. I saw it on their faces, pointed in my direction."
One of the main themes of her memoir is her experience of both disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss surrounding her father’s 30-year incarceration. Besides the millions of people in the United States who have a loved one who is incarcerated, I started to think about all the other very common experiences that can cause both ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief that do not often receive cultural recognition. So, I thought I would take a moment to talk about them here. Even if it doesn’t relate to you specifically, it may make you a better friend or support to someone else in your life who may be experiencing disenfranchised grief and/or ambiguous loss.
Just like society dictates rules for how to act, dress, speak and operate in the world, society also dictates rules around grief and these rules can be subtle or explicit. Disenfranchised grief takes these “grief rules” to another level by assigning who is entitled to grieve and, in turn, who receives support, acknowledgment, and validation in their grief. These societal expectations can feel excruciating when your relationship with someone significant is not acknowledged or the impact of their death or other type of loss is minimized.
Grief becomes disenfranchised when we don’t receive societal validation of our loss and subsequent grieving process. Society says you shouldn’t be grieving, so you feel like you can’t talk about it. You can’t find support. You feel alone. You think your feelings are wrong. There are four umbrella scenarios that could lead to one experiencing this kind of grief:
1) Society says the relationship isn’t important, so grief is not acknowledged
This often happens when your relationship to the deceased is one that society interprets as distant and not worthy of grief. Societal rules often dictate that we grieve “blood” relatives and as we get beyond that circle, we find less acknowledgement of the impact of a death/loss. Some disenfranchised losses that fall into this category may be:
Death of an ex-spouse
Death of a co-worker
Death of a pet
Death of an online friend (cyber loss)
Death of a same-sex partner
Miscarriage or stillbirth
Death of a step-child/step-parent
Death of a foster child/foster parent
Death of other non-blood relationships (friends, boyfriend/girlfriend in-laws, neighbors, etc)
2) The death is stigmatized by society.
Sometimes the cause of death may make it difficult for the griever to talk about the loss, due to stigma. These can involve guilt, shame, blame, and countless other feelings that can cause a griever to hide their grief, feeling the death is not worthy of the same grief based on societal rules. Again, just some examples are:
Death by suicide
Death by accidental drug overdose
Death by child abuse
Death to HIV/AIDS
Abortion
Death due to drunk driving
Death of a family member in prison
3) The relationship is stigmatized by society.
Though this can overlap with the two categories above, there are times that the relationship during life was a stigmatized relationship. This can lead to similar feelings after a death, with the griever feeling society will not acknowledge the impact of the loss, or they must continue to hide the relationship. This can include:
Death of partner from an extramarital affair
Death of a same-sex partner
Death of a gang member
Death of high-risk/stigmatized peer group (“drinking buddy”, drug abuser)
4) The loss itself isn’t recognized as a grief-worthy because it is not a death
These are often cases of losses that are grieved but are not necessarily a death. Again, this is far from an exhaustive list, but may include:
Dementia
TBI (traumatic brain injury)
Mental illness
Infertility
Substance Abuse
Loss of function
Adoption (e.g. an adoptee is told that they should just be “grateful” that they have a family or is cautioned not to be vocal about feelings of loss of their birth family because it may make their adoptive family “feel bad”)
Religious conversion (to or away from a religion)
Incarceration
Disability/Loss of ability (Diagnosed later in life or from birth/childhood)
Similar to disenfranchised grief, “Ambiguous loss” is a term used to describe losses that are related to presence and absence. There are two types of ambiguous loss; when someone is physically absent but remains psychologically present such as with a missing person, immigration, or adoption; or when a loved one is physically present but psychologically absent, for example with chronic mental illness, addiction, or brain injury. Ambiguous loss differs from traditional loss because you are unable to attain closure. It is uncertain by nature, making it incredibly difficult to understand and to move forward or live with the uncertainty.
While every experience of disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss is unique, there a few general coping strategies that I believe can be beneficial no matter where we are in our grief/loss. This list is again by no means exhaustive but should serve more as a place to begin or jumping off point to explore other ideas.
1. Acknowledge your love for that person was true and significant and your loss is no less valid. Love is love. Loss is loss. Your love was real and valid; your grief is real and valid.
2. Remind yourself that you are worthy of time and space to grieve, be it the death of a friend, co-worker, four-legged family members, or any other loss. You may even want to write it on a card in your wallet, put it in a note in your phone, or put that message wherever you can easily access it. When someone says something dumb (oh and they will!) that makes you feel you are not worthy of your grief experience, pull that message out, read it over.
3. Remind yourself that you are not alone. It is easy to fall in to isolation when you are finding no acknowledgement or support of your grief. What can be helpful is seeking the experience of others who have experienced similar losses. With the growth of the internet and support group for those experiencing grief/loss, you may be able to find others who have experienced a similar loss, and some of the same challenges of a loss that is not given cultural recognition. More groups are popping up for survivors of suicide, overdose deaths, stillbirths, transracial adoptees etc.
4. Create your own ritual. There are many times that, due to the nature of these losses, that you are not able to take part in a funeral or closure ritual in the way you would have wanted. Maybe because of the nature of the relationship, you were not welcome at the funeral, or you felt awkward, so you didn’t attend at all. Maybe there was no funeral to go to or memorial to visit, such as with adoptees or the loved ones of incarcerated individuals.
Consider if it would be helpful to create your own ritual now. This doesn’t have to be elaborate; it could be as simple as writing a letter or visiting a meaningful place.
5. Assess your support system. Though you may be feeling that none of your family or friends are supportive, be sure to really think carefully about this before you write everyone off. If all your “usual suspects” are not supportive, think of people a little further outside your circle. Sometimes you find empathetic people in surprising places! This may be just the time to reach out to a distant friend who also lost a child to overdose, suffered a miscarriage, etc.
6. Seek personal ways to explore grief and express your emotions. Consider journaling, art, photography, and other personal expression. Though you may not have the external support you want, you can still find ways to explore your grief and emotions on your own.
7. Be a support to others experiencing disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss. This is something you may not be ready for right away, but down the road, it can be healing to be a support to others. Remember that, just because you have a similar loss, this does not mean your experience will be identical. But you can acknowledge and validate their right to grieve, no matter how similar or dissimilar their experience is to your own.
I know some of you may be thinking “That’s all well and good, but what’s the point when I have so little impact on changing society’s view of grief and loss”. It’s true. We cannot change society’s grief/loss rules overnight. But society’s rules, norms, and expectations DO evolve over time and we as those who have experienced disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss play a very real part in that.
We can speak up about these losses and how deeply they impact us. We can support others and give them the permission they need to grieve, no matter what. We can help others understand when their words are hurtful and minimize another’s grief. We can start sharing our experiences with our friends, family, and community, if and when we feel strong enough, because those are the things they will remember and cling to if they have the misfortune to suffer a similar loss. We can stand up for the fact that we are all worthy of having our grief and loss humanized, no matter what shape it comes in.
If you’re experiencing any type of grief right now, we have therapists who can provide you with support. Going to therapy is perfectly normal when you’re grieving. Click here to book a consultation now.