Coping with Seasonal Depression

What is seasonal depression?

Depression that happens seasonally, of course. Typically, the onset is in the early fall with symptoms worsening throughout the winter months, alleviating in the spring and summer. Seasonal depression, officially called “seasonal affective disorder” tends to be more common in those with preexisting mental health conditions, as well as more common in people who live father from the equator.

Symptoms of seasonal affective disorder mirror major depression. They include: depressed mood, low energy, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, feeling irritable or sluggish, difficulty concentrating, hopelessness, feeling unworthy or excessively guilty and having thoughts of death/suicide.

What causes seasonal depression?

The causes of seasonal depression are not fully known. However, there are a few factors that have been identified which likely play a role:

• reduced sunlight in the fall/winter and the time change can upset our internal clock (circadian rhythm). This can impact sleep, which impacts almost everything else, including mood;

• with less sunlight, there may be a drop in serotonin which negatively impacts depression and mood;

• darker weather may trigger overproduction of melatonin, creating sleepiness and fatigue;

• vitamin D deficiency (which can be a cause of depression generally, but worsens when we are exposed to even less sunlight) contributes to depressed mood.

There may also be more behavioral or environmental factors:

• the tendency to be less physically active in fall/winter months;

• spending less time outside in the fall/winter (we know that nature is highly regulating to a nervous system, so less time outside negatively impacts mood);

• upcoming holidays (including family stress, uncertainty, grief, etc.) and also the passing of holidays (feeling we built up to something and now are let down that it’s over, disappointment, less to look forward to after the holidays for some).

 What helps with seasonal depression?

• light therapy (phototherapy): lightboxes mimic outdoor light, which may boost serotonin. Exposure to even artificial sunlight at the same time every morning may help reset and regulate our circadian rhythm, stabilizing sleep and therefore mood;

• medications (antidepressants, specifically SSRIs);

• vitamin D supplements;

  • *Talk to your doctor about any of the above before starting a course of treatment.

• Therapy! While the causes of SAD are partially biological, there is also a cognitive, emotiona and behavioral component. Therapy can help make those behavioral and cognitive changes that might help boost mood;

• body movement and exercise (naturally boosts serotonin levels and boosts mood);

• social connection;

• time outside in nature.

Do you struggle with seasonal depression? Find out more on the podcast!

6 Steps to Meeting Your Needs

How the hell am I supposed to know what I need?

I hear this often from the therapy couch. 

If you grew up in a family system where your primary caregivers weren't attentive to your needs, this question can feel impossible. If you were or are constantly tending to those around you, rather than yourself, this question can feel silly. If you feel shame about being someone who needs things from others, this question can feel preposterous.

When you over-focus on others, or are not accustomed to being focused on, it's difficult to know what you need from yourself, let alone from others.

The good news is that you can learn to tend to yourself. You can learn what you need, over time, and begin meeting those needs yourself, and letting your support-people show up to meet your needs, too.

1) Practice asking yourself "what am I feeling right now?"

Your emotions are often a primary signaler of met or unmet needs. Example: If you're feeling lonely, it is because a need for connection is going unmet.

2) Follow-up that question with "what might I need right now?"

Once you've identified the feeling, you can ask what you need. This might be for soothing, for release, for distraction, for reflection, who knows! Especially early in the process, you might come up with a big blank here. That's okay and to be expected. Ask the question anyway. Part of meeting your needs is just learning how to ask about them.

3) Experiment.

Walk, talk, draw, journal, watch TV, eat a snack, drink some water. Make a big-ass list and try a bunch of things over time. It's okay if this feels random at first.

4) Check in on the impact.

Does the feeling seem more manageable? Do you feel more grounded? Don't expect whatever negative feeling you started with to just go away. That's not the barometer for meeting your needs. Check in whether you have more capacity, if the intensity of the emotion changed, if you feel more able to breathe, etc. This will tell you whether the thing you tried to meet the need actually filled that need, or not.

5) Take mental (or physical) note of what felt helpful and what didn't.

This helps you hone in over time on what you need.

6) Repeat. Over and over again.

The more you try, the more you know. Over time, you might realize that when you're feeling anxious, what you really need is to go outside, play out the worst case scenario ONCE, and then distract with a good book. You might find that when you're depressed, you need to journal and do something productive.

This is an iterative process. Be patient with yourself, and keep asking the questions.

3 Benefits of Acceptance

Acceptance is hard work. Especially during trying times like these.

But, the truth is, we suffer when we don't accept reality as it is. And to be clear, acceptance doesn't mean approving of reality--it just means seeing reality clearly. When you're suffering, you are saying it must be otherwise immediately, or ruminating on how awful it is, or beating yourself up for feeling a certain way about it. I'd put money on this making you feel worse. More angry, more anxious, more shame, more defeated.

It's because you are fighting reality. It's because you're trying to tell yourself that you shouldn't feel this way and to feel other than you feel. This is invalidation at it's most painful. It takes the pain you are already feeling--depression, anxiety, fear, dissatisfaction with your life--and multiplies it by 100. Because now you're feeling the pain of the initial emotion or event, and ALSO the pain of telling yourself how bad it is, how you should feel differently, and how wrong you are for feeling it.

Suffering, right now, might look like “I hate this. I’m sick of being stuck at home. I should feel grateful because others are suffering more than I am. I should be super productive right now. I shouldn’t feel so anxious and afraid. This is never going to end.”

Acceptance, on the other hand, is acknowledging what IS. Years ago, when I was first grappling with acceptance, I wrote the definition in my journal. "To believe or come to recognize as valid or correct." Now, correct does not mean "right" or "good". To me, it just means "true". Acceptance is just seeing the truth of reality.

Acceptance might sound like “this is a collective trauma and it hurts.”

Acceptance helps you:

1) Validate your emotional experience. As it relates to the virus, it makes hella sense why you're afraid, angry, depressed and worried. These are appropriate emotional responses to a global pandemic. You're allowed to feel how you feel. Let's not judge ourselves for having feelings. Acceptance does not mean you are *approving* of the feeling, it just means you're naming it for what it is without all the other junk attached.

2) Give yourself compassion. This is hard. You are not in this alone. What is happening is not okay, but it’s okay that it's hard. Like Brene Brown shared on her podcast recently, this is all of our fucking first time (FFT) in a pandemic. We’re doing our best. It's okay that you're not finishing every project that's been laying around your house. It's okay that you're not creating that masterpiece you've been considering. It's okay if you're eating emotionally, or irritable with your family. Again, all of this makes sense. None of us have been through this before, and it's okay to do what you need to manage and feel safe *enough* right now.

3) Take effective action. When we demand that reality be different than it is or refuse to accept it, we struggle to respond to reality as it is. Take our government, for example. Insisting that the virus "isn't that bad" slowed down the response and kept us from containing it as well as we could have. This is a story that got told: "it shouldn't be that bad, because that would be an awful thing for the economy, etc etc...", which drove an ineffective response. In comparison, if we could have recognized the reality as it is sooner, we would have had a more effective response. When we get the story and the judgement out of the way, we can be far more effective in our responses.

Again, acceptance is not condoning what you're feeling or resigning to the way things are. It is removing judgement so that you can chart a compassionate path forward. 

HOW? I hear you asking.

1) Notice when you're fighting reality. Begin to call attention to the signs that you’re not accepting reality. You'll probably notice physical tension, painful emotions arising, negative self-talk, and lots of stories about what should be happening.

2) Name what you're feeling, and the reality you are fighting. Name this objectively, as though you’re a completely impartial observer. This can help you recognize what is reality, and what is the story you’ve attached to it.

3) Turn your mind towards acceptance (this comes straight from DBT, my friends). Choose acceptance over and over and over again. I found mantras really helpful here. Write down daily the things you are trying to accept.

4) More self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others. My mantra here is “it makes sense that…”. It makes sense that I’m feeling afraid in the midst of a pandemic. It makes sense that I’m feeling more on edge. It makes sense that I’m feeling angry about the suffering in the world.

I’m working on this with you right now, fam, because I find myself doing a lot of what-if-ing and ruminating on how I should feel better about things by now. I’m practicing validation, meditation, connection and creating new routines to help me accept the reality of the moment.

How are you, can you, or will you practice acceptance today?

3 Crucial Communication Skills

The holidays are often full of strained communication. We’re spending more time with family and friends, and things can get…awkward and uncomfortable and tense.

Is your goal a specific objective? Do you want your uncle to change his mind about impeachment? Do you want your mom to change how many questions she asks you about when you’re getting married? Do you want your friend to show up on time for Friendsgiving? These are examples of objectives as the primary goal of the interaction. Get clear on what those objectives are and stay connected to those goals throughout the conversation so you don’t get sidetracked by other things.

Is your goal to maintain your own self-respect? How do you want to think and feel about yourself after this conversation? Do you want to make sure you spoke your truth honestly, clearly and kindly? Do you want to be an advocate for what you believe in? Do you want to feel grounded and proud of how you composed yourself? These are examples of self-respect objectives. If this is your first priority, get clear on how you want to look back on yourself in this interaction.

Is your goal to maintain the health of the relationship? Do you want the other person to perceive you as well-informed and calm? Do you want the conversation to remain peaceful because you know fights lead to months of silence? Do you want to be seen as kind and thoughtful, even in disagreement? These might show that the relationship is your first priority. Spend some time getting clear on how you want the relationship to be after this interaction. Yes, you only have control over half of this, but it can help you make sure you are showing up in the way you want to.

These are all skills from DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) focusing on interpersonal effectiveness. They’re super helpful to revisit this time of year for some reason…

So, your goal might be to achieve an objective, to maintain your own self-respect, or to maintain the relationship. (It might also be, and often is, all three). DBT has some great acronyms (Dialectical Behavior Therapy; they love their acronyms!) to help you have more effective conversation.

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For objectives effectiveness, DEAR MAN

Describe the situation objectively and clearly, using only the facts. Imagine you're a fly on the wall or an impartial observer, and use *that* to describe. Not "you're being an asshole", but rather, "you haven't been home for a week and when you get here you work instead of spending time with me."

Express how you feel with an “I statement”. Be honest about how you are feeling, and make sure to speak from yourself using actual feeling words. Not "I feel like you're ignoring me", rather, "I feel lonely and angry."

Assert your need/request clearly and unequivocally, don’t sugarcoat or beat around the bush. Clarity will really help you here, to be sure the other person understands exactly what you're asking for. "I would like you not to work when you're home and spend time with me."

Reinforce the person meeting your request by explaining why they should. Give them a reason to meet your need, rather than pushing them away. "I really think we would both enjoy spending more time together, and you would probably be less stressed."

Mindful of what you’re going for, don’t get distracted by other things. If they bring up a different topic, or if you feel drawn to bring up another issue, stick to this single topic. "I don't want to get off track, let's talk about that other thing tomorrow."

Appear confident, even if you’re not, make eye contact, don’t mumble, stand up straight, speak clearly and calmly. Breathe.

Negotiate if needed. You may not get exactly what you are asking for, remember to compromise if appropriate to find something that works for both of you.

For relationship effectiveness, GIVE:

Gentle in your approach

Interested in what the other person has to say and what they feel, practice listening to them as much as you are talking.

Validate the other person, let them know you understand how they feel (even if you don’t agree).

Easy Manner--don’t approach with too much intensity, let the conversation be light, possibly bring in some humor.

For self-respect effectiveness, FAST:

Fair--be fair to both yourself and the person you’re talking to. Consider the other person and incorporate that into the conversation.

(no) Apologies--you are allowed to ask for this or to set this boundary. Don’t apologize for how you feel or what you’re requesting. It’s okay to have needs and express them, and it’s okay to disagree.

Stick to your values. Don’t compromise what you value to please the other person or avoid conflict. Stand by what you believe in and what is important to you, while keeping these other practices in mind.

Truthfulness. Don’t lie, exaggerate, or judge harshly. Stick to the facts and be honest about what you need and how you feel.

What are your thoughts? Let us know in the comments!