“Big Feelings” is my term for the feelings that aren’t fun to feel- sadness, grief, pain, worry, etc. It’s true that joy, love, contentment, and other positive feelings are just as big, but it tends to be easier to share those with others. We may worry that if we share something negative we will be a burden, ruin someone’s day, or make the feelings bigger. But it’s important to talk about them. It actually builds community and connection. Other people have Big Feelings too and sharing them helps make relationships more authentic.
Often, we can share our big feelings, but end up intellectualizing them instead of really feeling them.
“Intellectualizing” means turning feelings into thoughts, either to explain why they’re happening or to try to find a way out of them by turning them into a fully mental experience. Intellectualizing can be helpful because it can help us think through conflict without blaming anyone or can help us understand ourselves and our experience more. It becomes a problem when someone uses reason and logic to avoid uncomfortable emotions.
Here are 5 tools you can use to share your Big Feelings with those around you more effectively:
1) Choose who to share with
This step will require discernment about who might be someone you can trust. Here are some tips for how to identify a trustworthy person to talk to:
They show interest in you by asking how you are doing or how your day was
When you respond, they show they are listening by acknowledging what you shared or offer their own experience in kind
They don't often share stories about other people
They don't tell other people's big secrets without permission
They talk about their role in a situation, not just other peoples
They acknowledge their Big Feelings: sadness, anger, grief, worry
They don't say bad things about groups of people as a whole
You have all ready talked about some other things, so you have an established relationship
For more information about how to tell who is trustworthy, please look into the BRAVING framework by Brene Brown. It is really helpful!
2) Take a sip of your Big Feeling
This is a concept called titration. Titration means to slowly acknowledge little doses of the feeling instead of being overtaken by it. Think of it like this: Your feeling is inside a big pot. The big pot represents everything there is to feel. You are simply taking a spoon and slurping the taste (unless slurping is too rude). That’s it. You don’t have to jump in the pot, you don’t even have to eat a full bowl. Start with one spoon and slowly sip. We are wading into this pool- not jumping in.
3) Lead with the feeling
This is the part where you confide in someone else. This might have a quality of breaking the ice. It might even have a quality of bringing up something taboo. You might be going against the grain. There’s some risk involved, but ultimately the prize is worth it. Leading with the feeling means focusing on the feeling itself instead of the story you have about it or the meaning you’ve made of it. This is the hard part. Here are some tips for breaking the ice:
When someone asks you how you are, take a sigh before you reply- this will signal to the other person that you’re not doing well even before you use words.
Use a familiar greeting: “I don’t know dude, I’m just feeling a lot of…”
Be direct: “To tell you the truth, I’m…”.
Of course, you can give one or two sentences to provide context to the other person, but don’t get too lost in that. Remember your spoon.
If you’re unsure how to describe what you’re feeling, check out this blog on steps to feeling your feelings.
4) It’s okay to say “I don’t know what to do”
Intellectualizing can become so normative that it might be expected that you have a strategy to address the feeling you’re having even as you experience it. How will you make it go away? You don’t have to know yet. You don’t have to have a sophisticated plan. Just stay close to the feeling. Experiment with different language to float the fact that you’re not trying to come up with a solution right now- you are titrating, not fixing.
5) Observe the conversation while it’s happening
Perhaps someone will respond with mutual recognition: “Me too… I’ve been feeling the same thing.” Perhaps not. If they do, here’s a few things to pay attention to during the conversation:
While you are sharing, keep returning to the pot with your spoon.
Notice the words being used. If you end up talking about theories or high level strategizing, or planning how if someone would act differently the feeling would go away, you are likely intellectualizing.
Feel for deep and simple truths: conversations that center on universal human experiences are often an indication that the conversation is anchored in the right place.
Notice the spoons they hand to you, and the contents of their pot, and respond in kind. If you don’t know what to say, take a pause. You can say: “I’m so glad we’re talking about this. It feels hard to talk about.” “I really care about you, even if I can’t understand your experience. I want to help.”
Conversations about feelings like this are vulnerable. When you have shared your Big Feelings mutually and receptively with someone, there will be a natural shift in tone. You might feel a bit tired from doing emotional work. Also, the conversation might naturally change to humorous topics and become more spontaneous. These are signs you have accessed your common humanity and might feel safer around each other.
Lastly, if it doesn’t work, try again.
Any new strategy contains inherent risk. There is a reason patterns become engrained. It makes sense to avoid pain or rejection and risk. If for whatever reason the person or people you open up to don’t respond or attempt to reform the ice, it’s okay to extend your spoon again. They simply might not have noticed the first time.
Try with another friend, a different group, or in a different situation. Take a risk. Without risk, there is no reward, and no growth.
Happy Ice Breaking!
If you’re interested in sharing and processing some Big Feelings in therapy, we have therapists with both in person (in Seattle) and virtual (across Washington state) openings here at Riverbank Therapy. Fill out our contact form here to get your free 20 minute consultation scheduled.