As a couples therapist, I hear it often from people who have never tried couples therapy: "Couples therapy won't do anything for my relationship" or "Couples therapy is a waste of time and money" or "We can never heal the pain from the past."
These statements are filled with hopelessness about their relationship. But I see them as rooted in fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, pain, unrealistic expectations of partner, myths, the inability to forgive yourself or your partner, or rooted in not wanting to begin a new start with your partner.
Going to couples therapy can be a scary step to take with your partner. Leaning into this uncomfortable process together can make you both stronger.
Couples may be avoiding therapy due to their own stigma or judgments surrounding couples therapy. My goal in this post is to shine light on common myths about couples therapy and in doing so bring clarity and hope in knowing that couples therapy can help and heal couples in a very approachable way.
Myth #1 You only go to couples therapy if you're about to split up
Reality: False. If you two are willing to put in the hard work in therapy and improve your relationship, then couples therapy will work. Couples therapy can be the space to become more self-aware, romantic, build trust, deepen your friendship, and strengthen your commitment to each other. Couples can learn how to show up for their partner better and acknowledge their faults; we all have them. Going to couples therapy doesn't mean you're ready to split up. It means you're ready to take a look at your relationship and do what it takes to make it work for the both of you, whatever the outcome of that may be.
Myth #2 Couples who go to therapy shouldn't be together
Reality: False. This is not true. Just because you and your partner are seeking help doesn't mean you are not meant to be together. Therapy will have you see things that you don't want to about yourself and your partner. Going to therapy will allow you to learn new things about your partner and yourself. Seeking help is creating more space for you as an individual and couple to better love and support one another within your relationship. Going to therapy doesn't always have to lead to the couple parting ways. The couple can press the restart button and gain a new perspective within a therapeutic space. Couples go to therapy for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it's because they are on the brink of divorce or separation, but sometimes it's for premartial counseling to prepare for the next step in their relationship. Sometimes it's just to address something that is hard to talk about alone, and sometimes it's to improve on something that is already working well.
Myth #3 If I chose the right partner, we shouldn’t need professional help navigating our issues
Reality: False. Not true. Seeking professional help doesn't always mean you're not with the right person. Seeing a couples therapist allows you and your partner to work on the hard things that you may be avoiding or suppressing. Healthy partners are open to bettering the relationship and seeking the support and resources to do just that. Therapy is a place where you can both gain tools and skills to better your connection, communication, closeness, and physical and emotional intimacy.
Myth #4 Couples therapy will only make things worse
Reality: False. Not true at all. Couples therapy may be hard and challenging for people, but it won't necessarily make things worse things worse. It can unlock feelings, emotions, and memories that may be hard to confront, but this will allow acceptance and acknowledgement in your relationship for things already present when you find a therapist you can trust who also highlights your strengths and wins--and maybe uses some humor to lighten things up every now and then.
Myth #5 Happy couples don’t fight
Reality: False. Absolutely not true. Even the "happiest" of couples have their disagreements and don't always get along. I would say a happy couple is subjective because happy looks different for every couple. It may see like the "happy" couple may not even have conflict, but behind closed doors, everyone is navigating something with their partner. Having conflict or disagreements is not a bad thing. If anything, it'll strengthen your relationship and bring you two closer together because you're seeking to be heard, seen, and loved by your partner under the surface of the conflict being had.
The journey of couples therapy can help build a strong foundation in your relationship. I cannot say it will be an easier journey, but I can admit it will shine light on areas that can help bring more clarity and perspective.
If you and your partner are curious and open to take the next step and seeking professional help, here at Riverbank Therapy we offer 20 minute consultations with a couples therapist to see if they're a good fit. Click here to schedule your free 20 minute consultation to work with an in-person couples therapist in Seattle, or a virtual couples therapist for clients in Washington state. I encourage you to take the leap and see what couples therapy can offer you and your partner.
And if you’re looking for other resources, here are a few other blog posts we have that are worth a read:
7 Tips for Better Emotional Connection With Your Partner
3 Books I'm Reading as a Marriage and Family Therapist