4 Steps to Feeling Your Feelings

Got a lot of feelings right now? Me too. Like...so many.

And you’ve probably heard therapists the world over say “feel your feelings” or “make space to feel” or “honor those emotions.” But what does all of that really MEAN?

It's important to make space to feel your emotions. If you don't, then they will make themselves known, and likely not at a moment of your choosing. Emotions aren't meant to be ignored and put away. They are there to spur us to do something and care for ourselves.

but HOW do you feel a feeling? Here's a quick guide:

1) Name it. Pull out an emotion wheel (google it) and find a few words for what you're feeling. It might be one emotion, it might be a bunch at once. There are no rules here. Find some feeling words! Anxious? Sad? Angry? Content? Excited? 

Here are some emotions grouped together that you might be feeling:

anger

rage

exasperation

irritation

envy

disgust

agitated

frustrated

annoyed

shocked

surprised

powerless

stunned

astounded

speechless

confused

disoriented

disillusioned

engaged

sad

disappointed

despairing

depressed

guilty

hurt

ashamed

grieving

lonely

happy

proud

content

satisfied

enthusiastic

optimistic

cheerful

delighted

amused

curious

anxious

nervous

insecure

terrified

overwhelmed

panicked

worried

dreadful

scared

2) Name how your body is feeling. Really feel those sensations, don't just think them. How your body is experiencing these emotions gives you a lot of information. Checking in with your somatic experience keeps your more connected to yourself and more able to take care. What do you feel? Tension in your chest? Heaviness in your belly? Tingling in your arms? Constricted breathing? 

Here are some body sensations you might notice:

tense

tight

tender

nauseous

sore

achy

constricted

bubbly

tingly

shaky

trembling

queasy

fluttery

electric

prickly

burning

radiating

congested

thick

dull

frozen

buzzy

heavy

cold

numb

hot

hollow

empty

knotty

warm

cool

airy

spacious

expansive

fluid

solid

floaty

cool

smooth

Approach all of this with the mindset of "this emotion is tolerable, and I don't have to get rid of it right now." That's it! You felt a thing!

After you've done this, you might want to do something about it. You might want to soothe the feeling or give yourself some care and compassion.

3) What thoughts are attached to this feeling? Our thoughts, the stories we tell ourselves about something, can exacerbate the feeling or calm it. Are your thoughts judging the emotion? Are you telling yourself the emotion must end RIGHT NOW? See if you can practice some self-compassion: "It makes sense that I am feeling X" or "it is okay to feel X". Removing judgement can make the emotion easier to tolerate. Ask if the thoughts accompanying that emotion are true, kind and useful. If they're not, try to generate a thought or two that is.

4) Ask yourself what the emotion is trying to communicate. It's not a pointless thing, it's trying to get you do move or do something to meet your needs. Ask, what do I need right now? Anxiety might mean it's time for a break. Sadness might mean it's time for connection. Anger might be time for self-expression (just examples). Ask what you need and do that thing.

How are you doing right now?

Online Counseling Tips for Clients and Therapists

Telehealth is a huge shift for most of us—clients and therapists alike. Here are som tips for you as a client during telehealth sessions:

• change your mindset: online therapy can be equally as helpful as in person sessions. It’s new, and might feel uncomfortable at first, but this doesn’t mean it won’t be useful to you.

• be as close to your internet router as possible to prevent connectivity issues

• find a private space with a closed door

• create a physical environment that feels safe and comfortable

• boundaries--share visually only what you want to share of your home, this can be a little or a lot. You might want your therapist to see your whole living room and meet your dog, or you might want to sit down in a nondescript corner to keep the boundaries more clear and separated. Up to you!

• close other open windows on your computer and put your phone away & on silent to minimize distraction

• put a post-it note over your face if it's distracting to see yourself

• talk with your therapist about what happens if you get disconnected

• know that it might feel different than in person, and that's okay

• get comfortable with silences, they are just like in office; you don't have to always fill space.

• bring up discomfort with the change, process with your therapist how it's impacting your experience

The tips for therapists are really similar, below are the ones that are additional or different:

• change your mindset: online therapy can be equally as helpful. Almost any therapy modality can be adapted to online sessions (I’m speaking from experience here—I’m a somatic therapist and online work for this can be challenging when I can’t see my client’s entire body, can’t feel their breath as I can in office, etc; but I have been able to find ways to adapt it to online. Anything is possible if we get creative).

• find a private space with a closed door, add a sound machine if you can, especially if you're at home

• create a physical environment that feels similar to your office. This can help with getting you into your procedural learning for “therapy session” and get into “therapist mode”. Honestly, I can’t do this if I’m in my PJs or sweatpants. I dress like I’m going to work (which is actually pretty casual), so that I feel as similar to in-person sessions as possible.

• boundaries--share visually only what you want to share of your home. It can be uncomfortable to bring our clients into our homes, even if virtually, because we work hard to “not bring the work home” with us. Figure out a way to set these physical or energetic boundaries with virtual sessions.

• call your clients' insurance to double check coverage. Most carriers have the same coverage for telehealth as in-person sessions, but some process the claims differently. Check with your clients’ carriers so that you can be clear with them about potential cost and coverage changes.

• make sure your clients know what happens if you get disconnected. My rule of thumb is to call them on their cell phone, troubleshoot video issues, and if we can’t resolve them we finish the session by phone. Talk with your clients about what they would prefer if you get disconnected.

• tell your client about what might feel different about online sessions, check in with them about all of the above. If you’re new to doing online sessions, be transparent about the fact that you’re adjusting to this new thing together.

• be ready to process attachment and relationship changes that might come up in session. Clients might feel less connected to you, less seen by you, or on the other side, they might feel TOO see by being on video, or might feel their space being intruded upon. Be mindful of this, name it if it comes up, and be ready to process it.

• give yourself longer breaks between sessions to move your body and to look away from a screen. Please take care of yourself! I’m finding that doing online sessions is more exhausting and my eyes get really tired. Time away from my screen and moving my body, along with longer breaks between sessions and less clients per day (when possible) has been really helpful.

I’d love to hear from you—either as a client or a therapist—how are you adjusting to online sessions? How is it feeling? What did I miss?

Interested in teletherapy during the pandemic? We are taking on new clients! Head to our contact page to reach out, let us know what you’re looking for, and we’ll fit you with one of our fantastic therapists.

A Love Letter to Meditation (And Mythbusters)

Meditation is not about calming down.

It’s not about clearing your mind. It is not about disconnecting from the world. It is not about relaxing.

It is a practice of just BEING with whatever IS…right now.

Right now is a particularly difficult time to be with what is. Things are scary, overwhelming, downright traumatizing.

So meditation right now is about learning to be with the chaos, sit with the fear, breathe through the uncertainty. Not focusing on making it better or necessarily on feeling better but learning how to feel better. It’s a practice that supports you in learning to tolerate discomfort. It’s a practice of noticing distractions, stressful thoughts, tension in your body, and staying present despite it all.

THIS IS NOT EASY.

I have been meditating almost daily for about 5 years now, and daily for all of 2020. And let me tell you…it is still hard. I still get distracted. I still want to run away internally from discomfort. But you know what? When tension arises in a relationship, or when I get frustrated in traffic, or when a friend is feeling pain…I am way more able to stay present and respond in line with my values. I am less likely to pop off and yell at my husband. I’m less likely to flip the bird at the car tailgating me. I am wayyyy more able to remain calm and regulated when my friend is crying.

It also changes my relationship with myself. Because I meditation when I’m anxious, depressed, angry and fearful, I know what that feels like in my body. I am learning to recognize what those thoughts sound like, and the subtle precursors to emotional changes. This is helpful in preventing deep depressive episodes. It helps me recognize my anxiety earlier and take action to soothe myself. Meditation allows space to get curious about my internal experience, rather than judging, which lets me take more effective action when I need to take care of myself.

In short, meditation helps me get comfortably uncomfortable with pain and discomfort, so that I can sit with it without running away.

Meditation is legit one of the cornerstone skills of my well-being.

I’m not saying it’s the answer to everything, because it certainly isn’t. But it is in my top 5 list of skills to support mental health. (If you’re curious, the others are: exercise/movement, getting good sleep, getting enough nutrition, spending time with other humans.)

Because world events are so scary right now, I find myself valuing my meditation practice more. It’s supporting me in being able to stay present and within my window of tolerance (maybe just for a few more minutes a day) during this trauma.

Again, this isn’t about being calm. It’s about learning to sit with discomfort.

One of my favorite ways to practice this while meditation is with ITCHINESS.

My nose itches.

My back itches.

My head itches.

Don’t scratch. (I know.)

Watch the itch arise, intensify, and fall away. Sit with it and notice how you can actually tolerate how itchy it is. How it goes away. Or you get distracted by a thought and by the time you remember you were itchy, it’s gone, or somewhere else. Notice how things change.

This is how you operationalize “sitting with discomfort”. You find a way to practice. Meditation is a great field for this.

So I recorded a few meditations for you.

The first is a general mindfulness meditation. This can be done sitting, laying down, walking, moving. Eyes open or closed. Modify the practice as needed to suit you.

The second is a meditation to help you connect with your body. Again, modify as needed.

Click here to get these meditations!

I hope these can support you somehow during this time. Take care of yourself. I’m here with ya.

-Toni

5 Ways to Cultivate Self-Love

Self-love is a game-changer.⁠ Your life radically changes when you start to care for yourself the way you care for those around you. And love is a verb, it comes through actions. You cultivate self-love when you show up for yourself, consistently and with compassion. It takes practice.

What I’ve noticed over time, is that the belief “I am unloveable” begins to shift to a belief that “I am loveable” when people consistently treat themselves as if the latter is true, even when it doesn’t feel that way.

I don't buy the bullshit that says "no one will love you until you love yourself"...because it's just not true. You will still be loved even if you don't love yourself, but that love will be harder to accept and savor. You might find yourself pushing love away, fearing that people will leave you or “find you out”. When you practice loving yourself, you’re more able to be present with the love other people are showing you.

Self-love can come in a lot of forms, but these are five tried and true ways that I know help develop self-love:⁠

1) 🖤Stop judging others.

What you're judging in them is something you reject about yourself, or it's just plain mean and feeding into focusing on the negative about yourself. Stop judging others and notice how much easier it is to be kind to yourself and feel connected in any situation.⁠ This is a practice I adopted several years ago, and it made massive shifts in how I looked at other people and myself.

2) 🕵️‍♀️Observe your inner critic.

Notice the mean shit she's saying to you daily! Would you say that to your best friend? Are those shame-y thoughts helping you get anywhere? NO.⁠

3) 💥Challenge those statements with something that is true, kind AND useful.

Yes, all three. True (because maybe you did fuck that thing up), but how can you say it in a way that is KIND and USEFUL at the same time? Not "you're such a failure, you really messed that up", but instead "that didn't go well, you made a few mistakes, here's how you can do better next time/learn from this". Way kinder.⁠

4) ❓Ask, "what do I feel right now?"

Isn't this how we so often show people we care? We want to know how they're feeling and what's going on in their lives. Get curious about your own experience, without so much judgement. It's amazing what can change just through asking yourself "what do I feel right now?⁠

5) 🌮Ask "what do I really need?"...and give that to yourself!

This is another way we show that we care. We support our loved ones, we try to meet their (reasonable) needs, we do what we can to SHOW UP for them.⁠

How can you show up and show love for yourself today??

Want to show yourself love by giving yourself the gift of therapy? Click here to schedule your complimentary consultation.

3 Crucial Communication Skills

The holidays are often full of strained communication. We’re spending more time with family and friends, and things can get…awkward and uncomfortable and tense.

Is your goal a specific objective? Do you want your uncle to change his mind about impeachment? Do you want your mom to change how many questions she asks you about when you’re getting married? Do you want your friend to show up on time for Friendsgiving? These are examples of objectives as the primary goal of the interaction. Get clear on what those objectives are and stay connected to those goals throughout the conversation so you don’t get sidetracked by other things.

Is your goal to maintain your own self-respect? How do you want to think and feel about yourself after this conversation? Do you want to make sure you spoke your truth honestly, clearly and kindly? Do you want to be an advocate for what you believe in? Do you want to feel grounded and proud of how you composed yourself? These are examples of self-respect objectives. If this is your first priority, get clear on how you want to look back on yourself in this interaction.

Is your goal to maintain the health of the relationship? Do you want the other person to perceive you as well-informed and calm? Do you want the conversation to remain peaceful because you know fights lead to months of silence? Do you want to be seen as kind and thoughtful, even in disagreement? These might show that the relationship is your first priority. Spend some time getting clear on how you want the relationship to be after this interaction. Yes, you only have control over half of this, but it can help you make sure you are showing up in the way you want to.

These are all skills from DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) focusing on interpersonal effectiveness. They’re super helpful to revisit this time of year for some reason…

So, your goal might be to achieve an objective, to maintain your own self-respect, or to maintain the relationship. (It might also be, and often is, all three). DBT has some great acronyms (Dialectical Behavior Therapy; they love their acronyms!) to help you have more effective conversation.

-

For objectives effectiveness, DEAR MAN

Describe the situation objectively and clearly, using only the facts. Imagine you're a fly on the wall or an impartial observer, and use *that* to describe. Not "you're being an asshole", but rather, "you haven't been home for a week and when you get here you work instead of spending time with me."

Express how you feel with an “I statement”. Be honest about how you are feeling, and make sure to speak from yourself using actual feeling words. Not "I feel like you're ignoring me", rather, "I feel lonely and angry."

Assert your need/request clearly and unequivocally, don’t sugarcoat or beat around the bush. Clarity will really help you here, to be sure the other person understands exactly what you're asking for. "I would like you not to work when you're home and spend time with me."

Reinforce the person meeting your request by explaining why they should. Give them a reason to meet your need, rather than pushing them away. "I really think we would both enjoy spending more time together, and you would probably be less stressed."

Mindful of what you’re going for, don’t get distracted by other things. If they bring up a different topic, or if you feel drawn to bring up another issue, stick to this single topic. "I don't want to get off track, let's talk about that other thing tomorrow."

Appear confident, even if you’re not, make eye contact, don’t mumble, stand up straight, speak clearly and calmly. Breathe.

Negotiate if needed. You may not get exactly what you are asking for, remember to compromise if appropriate to find something that works for both of you.

For relationship effectiveness, GIVE:

Gentle in your approach

Interested in what the other person has to say and what they feel, practice listening to them as much as you are talking.

Validate the other person, let them know you understand how they feel (even if you don’t agree).

Easy Manner--don’t approach with too much intensity, let the conversation be light, possibly bring in some humor.

For self-respect effectiveness, FAST:

Fair--be fair to both yourself and the person you’re talking to. Consider the other person and incorporate that into the conversation.

(no) Apologies--you are allowed to ask for this or to set this boundary. Don’t apologize for how you feel or what you’re requesting. It’s okay to have needs and express them, and it’s okay to disagree.

Stick to your values. Don’t compromise what you value to please the other person or avoid conflict. Stand by what you believe in and what is important to you, while keeping these other practices in mind.

Truthfulness. Don’t lie, exaggerate, or judge harshly. Stick to the facts and be honest about what you need and how you feel.

What are your thoughts? Let us know in the comments!