How Naming Your Feelings Improves Relationships (Including the one with yourself)

In sitting with clients and myself, I like to start off with the simple, yet, powerful question, “How are you feeling?”

It’s slightly different from, “How are you doing?” or “how’s it going?”

Asking yourself or others how they feel is very specific and lends opportunity for you to check in with yourself emotionally. Before rolling your eyes, hear me out.

I know talking about emotions and naming feelings can be challenging and uncomfortable. Sometimes this is because we may not have the words to name the feeling, or weren’t socialized to recognize them and talk about them, or we’re so out of touch with our feelings that it may seem like more of a headache to name them than to ignore. It’s easy to answer, “I’m fine,” or “I’m good,” to those other questions, but neither one of those answers actually name a feeling. 

A feeling is an actual sensation tied to your emotional state. By answering “fine” or “good,” we’re not exactly connecting to an actual emotion. Of course, at times, this type of response is appropriate. For instance, if you’re checking out at the counter in a store, you may not want your cashier to know you’re super frustrated with your partner for not listening to you that morning. However, checking in with yourself or those you are close with can be extremely important. Naming feelings such as “I’m frustrated,” or “joyful” gives yourself a pulse on your emotional state which ultimately creates connection to self, or as I like to call it, your spirit.

Naming your emotions affords you with the opportunity of acknowledging yourself. This can be the first step to creating a relationship with yourself. Growing to understand yourself is the foundation to your mental health and external relationships. If you’re not certain of your feelings, you may not be aware of your needs and how to meet them. This makes it hard to acknowledge and navigate your moods and behaviors in a supportive way. It’s ok, we’re all figuring it out.

It feels nice to be acknowledged by someone else, why not allow that to be something you do for yourself? As Beyoncé said in her song “Me, Myself, and I,” “I’m gon’ be my own best friend.”

(The queen herself is never wrong but…I digress.)

via GIPHY

It’s a social norm to greet or acknowledge others when we walk into a room. You can make it a similar norm with yourself acknowledge how you’re feeling from time to time. Your spirit will smile when you acknowledge it. More than likely, you wouldn’t ignore a child who is crying, a friend who seems unsettled during a social function, or a family member experiencing joy when celebrating an accomplishment. But how often do you ignore yourself? It is an act of kindness and self-compassion to not ignore your emotions.

Building a relationship with yourself is the first step to building any relationship, especially as an adult.

As adults we often navigate relationships on our own because we’ve left the guidance of our parents and caretakers. We left the nest without a proper manual for relationship building, as if a manual exists for anything in adulthood. Often times you can find that guidance in therapy along with trial and error through various relationships. Nothing beats the opportunity to build and explore the longest standing relationship that you will ever have, a relationship with yourself. 

Naming your emotions with yourself can also be helpful for your relationships with others. Being clear with yourself about how you’re feeling helps you communicate to other people more effectively, and makes it much more likely that your needs will be met by the other person, and definitely will help you feel more heard, understood and cared for, even though it’s really vulnerable. Despite discomfort, you are worthy of understanding and getting your needs met, and that’s on periodt!

By recognizing a feeling such as frustration, you allow yourself to recognize this emotional state within. This invites you to potentially explore why you’re feeling that way or where it’s coming from so that you can address it. Feeling frustrated may not feel good in the moment, but processing and exploring why you feel this way can help change the feeling or care for yourself as you feel it. 

Frustration signals that maybe your needs aren’t being met in the moment or you feel misunderstood by someone. Instead of potentially channeling your frustrations toward someone else in a way that isn’t helpful or intentional, you’ve acknowledged your emotion and invited yourself to process the situation. This way your emotion can be seen and validated by yourself, and then communicated to the other person. 

Becoming self-aware after processing your emotions can lead to understanding yourself, connection to the physical implications of your emotional state, along with a path to finding useful coping skills when needed. Once you’ve processed what made you frustrated, you can also name your bodily responses to recognize the impact of this emotion on you physically; furthermore, this deepens your connection with yourself. For instance, when I’m frustrated I tend to get hot, my shoulders become tense, my jaw tightens, and I’m not breathing as deeply. By recognizing my physical state in moments of frustration, I’ve realized my go-to coping mechanism is to take deeper breaths and focus on my breathing pattern.

This allows for me to slow my thoughts and responses to others; as a result, I can be more tactful in my responses so the way I’m communicating will potentially be more receptive. Although breathing may not be your go-to coping skill, or how you would cope with “frustration,” in particular, naming your emotion will allow to recognize if and what coping skill you may need.  After exploring your emotion, it’s beneficial to explore coping skills that work for you with various grounding techniques such as naming sensations, meditating, engaging in movement whether it be dance or taking a walk, hanging out with people who love and support you, or engaging if your favorite hobby.

You may also externalize the issue so that there’s no reason to channel frustration toward someone else or yourself ineffectively. Externalizing means to name the problem not the person. 

Externalizing the issue creates room for you to detach the issue from a person to looking at it more objectively. Ask yourself, “what is the issue in this moment outside of the individuals involved?”. This helps you invite a little grace by shifting your perspective from blaming someone to instead, seeing the problem removed from the person. For instance, your frustration may not actually be with the person in the moment, but in the fact that it’s misunderstanding in communication; as a result, communication is the issue and not the person. This process can alleviate that frustration and maybe even transition that emotion to hope, or feeling as sense of clarity, after processing your emotion. 

It can also help you more effectively communicate to someone what you’re frustrated about. Rather than fighting words such as, “You’re an asshole”, you can say something like “I’m frustrated because I feel unheard right now”. You’re shifting the frustration in the situation from the person to the dynamic, which can help you and the other person face it together, rather than facing against each other.

Naming your emotion may seem simple, yet, a powerful exercise that will open doors for processing your feelings and deepening relationships. This process lends itself to you becoming connected to yourself, understanding yourself, and becoming aware of your needs in the moment. Identifying what’s happening for you internally can be the first step to building a solid relationship with your spirit, with your soul, with you.

Think of how many music artists have made millions off of naming and acknowledging their feelings: Drake, Whitney Houston, Adele, Otis Redding, the list goes on. If you’re not certain of how to put your feelings into words, feel free to Google “feelings wheel,” or “wheel of emotions” or check out this blog post about it.

You can check in with your feelings anywhere, anytime. So, now I have to ask, how are you feeling?

Read about more ways to cultivate a relationship with yourself here.

If you’d like to work with a therapist at Riverbank Therapy, fill out our contact form!

How to Practice Self-Compassion

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is very similar to compassion for others, but directed towards yourself. It is noticing that you are suffering, and meeting yourself with kindness and warmth in the midst of that pain. It is caring for yourself in moments where you’re hurting. My favorite way to think about self-compassion is to treat yourself in that moment like you would a close friend.

Kristin Neff (self-compassion.org) breaks down self-compassion into three components:

Self-kindness (instead of self-judgement). This means that you meet yourself with warmth and kindness, rather than criticism and judgement.

Common humanity (instead of isolation). This means recognizing that pain is part of the human experience and that you are not alone in suffering (knowing that your specific pain is unique to you).

Mindfulness (instead of overidentification). This means feeling and observing our emotions without getting overly sucked in by them, or overly identifying with them. Nervous system regulation skills really help here.

“With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation.” -Kristin Neff

How do I practice self-compassion?

There are a few ways. They all start with noticing when and how you are judging, criticizing or being mean to yourself. Just bringing awareness to this pattern will likely start to create a desire to be kinder to yourself (kind of like the light in the fridge; it changes just by virtue of being observed).

Once you’ve noticed self-criticism, my personal favorite way to practice self-compassion is to ask myself what I would say to a friend. I wouldn’t say “you piece of shit, get over it.” Instead, I might say, “this really hurts right now, what do you need?” and then try to meet that need. Giving this to yourself is, to me, the essence of self-compassion.

Other ways you can practice:

-name what you’re feeling, ask what you need, and meet that need;

-make a mantra like “pain is human, I am allowed to feel this”

-place your hand on your heart and take a few breaths;

-head to self-compassion.org to download Neff’s “self-compassion break” meditation and other guided practices;

-practice lovingkindness meditation.

Why is self-compassion so difficult?

Most of us are critical of ourselves. We have a front row seat to all of our flaws and weaknesses. It’s far easier to be critical of yourself than others, partially because you know your soft spots better than others. It’s also easier because being mean to yourself often happens internally, so others don’t see it and call you out on it. When you’re mean to others, it gets noticed. With self-criticism, you can fly under the radar.

Self-compassion is possible to cultivate, even if you hate yourself. It takes practice. You don’t have to believe it at first; keep practicing. Right now, you’ve got a superhighway of self-criticism, and an overgrown neglected path of self-compassion. It takes time and consistency to cut a new path, and turn the self-compassion path into the highway default.

I feel guilty when I’m kind to myself. How do I deal with that?

This is a common reaction to self-compassion. Remind yourself that you deserve kindness and compassion. Always.

Questions to reflect on:

Where did you learn that you don’t deserve kindness?

Where did you learn that criticism is the best path to motivation and success?

Do you believe that criticism is working for you?

Self-compassion feels like an excuse. How can I do this and still be accountable?

Accountability is part of self-compassion. Accountability and shame are different. Calling yourself bad or shaming yourself for doing something wrong is very different than actually holding yourself accountable. Shame does not promote behavior change. Compassionate accountability does. Self-compassion can be softness and gentleness, and it can also be calling yourself on your shit.

I like to think about self-compassion as talking to yourself the way you'd talk to a friend. And sometimes, a good friend will kindly (or with tough love) tell you when you're wrong and need to do better.

Accountability with self-compassion means holding yourself to your values and how you want to show up in the world, while not calling yourself bad or awful for making a mistake. Accountability and self-compassion are similar to self-care.

Self-care is not always a spa day. Sometimes self-care is hard stuff, like setting that boundary, buckling down and doing the task you've been putting off, etc.

Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook. It's being kind to yourself, and, at times, that kindness means telling yourself that you did something outside of your value system and committing to doing better.

Self-compassion is a key skill for mental and emotional well-being. I highly recommend diving into this work, with a therapist if you’re able!

If you’d like to schedule with one of our therapists, click here to book your free consultation now!

5 Tips for Times of Transition

by Abby Lombardo, LMFT

When I think about the last several months, weeks, days, one word comes to mind: flux. Everything is in flux: the season, the weather (hello heat wave!), my moods, the mandates, navigating spaces old and new. We are (and have been) in a time of transition. While change naturally happens as an ongoing process in our lives, there are some moments that significantly stand out as being marked by capital c Change. So is this time.

We are coming out of a pandemic, of lockdowns, of fear and death on a massive and personal scale. We are coming out of threat mode, unsafe mode. And depending on your expectations of what that means, it can look a lot different! And it will look a lot different for everyone. It’s important to remember there is no one way, no right way to come out of this season. We all must go through it in our own ways, guided by the decisions and values we each hold dear. With this said, I’ve put together a smattering of ideas to help you find your way through this time or any time of transition. This is part 1, with 5 tips for a time of transition. Part 2 coming soon. Take what you want, leave what you don’t.

1.      Grace

Sometimes the simplest yet most complicated act we can offer ourselves is some grace. We are experiencing a lot, something that only a few generations experience every so often throughout the course of recorded human history: a pandemic. This is new. Yes, it has been since last March… but you haven’t been here before, figuring out how to transition from pandemic to post-pandemic you, to a post-pandemic world. Ease up on yourself for having to get it right, do it the best, be the best version of yourself for everyone else, do all the (newly) socially acceptable things to do.

Grace can sound like:

Hey, I’m doing the best I can.

I don’t have answers right now, and that’s okay.

This is a lot.

These are tough decisions.

I am having a lot of feelings about this decision/etc.

I feel torn between what I want and what I need /or what I think I want or need.

This is hard.

This is new.

I don’t know how to navigate this.

Grace can look like:

Giving yourself a hug/asking for a hug.

Putting your hand on your chest/heart and saying one of the above statements.

A deep breath.

Letting go of what is not in your control.

Easing up on yourself regarding what is in your control.

Finding support in a friend/partner/person/therapist.

Letting your feelings just be.

Validating your feelings.

Doing a kind act towards yourself (i.e., self care).

2.      Moments of Stillness

The world keeps on turning, lives keep moving forward, everything is changing. Sometimes, a helpful thing to do is to purposefully stand still. Creating moments of stillness in times of change can be a way to re-ground, re-orient and find your center before plunging through the unknowns before you. In our fast-paced culture of productivity and “time as money”, moments of stillness are rare and counter-cultural. I encourage you to leave behind the all or nothing approach and seek just a few moments/minutes of stillness in this season of transition.

What moments of stillness could look like:

Drinking tea while looking out a window/being outside or by an open window/door.

Reading quietly.

Muting your phone/notifications for a limited amount of time per day to focus on 1 thing.

Mindfully cooking a meal.

Listening to a song with all of your attention.

Meditation

Sitting with or petting an animal.

Silence

Visualizations of a safe, quiet, enjoyable space/place.

Stillness of your body for only a few moments.

A deep breath or many deep breaths

A guided meditation/breathing practice

Gentle yoga

Doing a task you normally do, but slooooooowly.

Take a mindful walk around noticing things with your 5 senses.

Put your feet in sand/grass/dirt/on the earth.

The idea is that the moment of stillness can be figurative/symbolic or literal. Experiment with some ideas and see what resonates most for you. Finding a few rituals that allows you to re-ground, re-connect, and re-center can be so important in times when we are being pulled in all different and new directions.

3.      Basic Needs

In seasons of transition, it is easy to forget that we are humans: fragile, vulnerable humans in physical bodies that have very physical needs. Our minds and emotions can take us so far away from ourselves as we try to plan for the future, navigate unending challenges, or wade into the unknown. It is important to come back to the fact that we need sleep, food, water, and rest. (I purposefully separate sleep from rest because not all rest is sleep and sleep is not the only kind of rest we need.) Take a moment (or several) to see how you’ve been caring for yourself in terms of basic needs or even hygiene needs.

Sometimes these things feel very small and doable, we just forget to do them routinely throughout our day. Other times it feels like the most of gargantuan tasks, to care for ourselves. Wherever you’re at, you still have these needs. Drinking a glass of water can be a good start in a chain of other helpful behaviors that get you going in the direction you’d like to be headed towards during your day. Taking 5 seconds to stretch when you get up from your desk to go the bathroom can be a good start in the chain of helpful behaviors and rituals that reminds you to care for your body today.

The hardest part is often starting. Creating routines, rituals, and intentions is a great way to incorporate these needs into your day. Adding pleasure -- activities you enjoy or look forward to – in addition to these needs can be a good way to make it not feel like a burden or chore.

What caring for basic needs can look like:

Setting a sleep schedule with enough time to wind down and wake up.

Planning meals and chores for the week ahead of time.

Filling up a water bottle first thing in the morning.

Eating consistently throughout the day in a way that nourishes your body and gives you energy, focus, and enjoyment.

Checking in with yourself: What do I need right now?

Participating in a playful, relaxing, or pleasurable activity.

Stretching for 10 minutes at the beginning, middle, or end of day.

Taking a limited social media break to do something that is more actively caring for yourself.

Showering, brushing your teeth, washing your face, hydrating your skin/lips, etc.

Taking naps.

4.      Change your standard of success and expectations of yourself.

This is all new. You are changing. Everything is changing around you. When this is the case, we must choose to adapt. And that especially means we must choose to adapt our own expectations of ourselves. Change has a way of making us beginners again; it throws us right back into the awkward stage of figuring things out all over again. When things are shifting this much, you cannot hold yourself to a standard of when things were different. (I mean you can, but it will most often lead to a mismatch of reality, which usually adds on some more pain.) Because really, what’s happening when we hold ourselves to an old standard, we are not actually adapting to what the moment of change calls for, which is often lots and lots of flexibility and grace. Holding ourselves to rigid expectations is a surefire way to make enemies of ourselves in times of change. When we allow ourselves to lower the bar of our own expectations there is more room for celebrating the small accomplishments, giving ourselves a break, rest, etc. And these are the things that make transitions easier, not harder.

What changing your standards for yourself can look like:

Gentle, positive self talk: We did it, we made it through this day. / That was tiring, I’m going to allow myself to rest now. / Change is hard, I’m going to give myself some comfort now.

Letting go of some things on the to do list.

Focusing on 1-2 goal s or tasks per day vs. 20.

Taking breaks from hard things and then coming back to them.

Re-evaluating why you think/feel you “should” do something.

Ask yourself how you would respond if a friend were in the same situation as you with the same feelings.

Validate your feelings, just let them be. Let them be true and valid.

Stop comparing yourself to other people and what they are doing.

Celebrate the small things!

5.      Talk about it. Reach out!

We aren’t meant to do it alone all the time. Know when to ask for help. Know when to loop in a trusted person who can offer a listening ear, a sounding board, a comforting hug, or soothing words. Change is hard. When we go through change a large part of the process is re-orienting ourselves and making sense of what’s happening, sometimes again and again and again. This means, many of us need to hear ourselves out loud, talking about the same thing over and over and over again. Ever wonder why some people sound like a broken record after a breakup or a loss or a significant change happens in their life? It’s their brain’s way of trying to make sense of what just happened to them and their world. You might need this to! You might need a space to just hear yourself out. Friends, family, and therapy, along with safe online spaces can be great places to take up space and give yourself a chance to form your new narrative.

What reaching out can look like:

Asking a friend to listen without giving advice.

Asking someone if they are in a place where they can give you their full attention while you talk about something that is difficult for you to talk about.

Texting a friend.

Spending time with people who know you well.

Asking for hugs.

Letting others in on what you might be needing.

Being vulnerable and sharing how you’re truly feeling with others.

Asking for what you need directly.

Setting up regular get-togethers with different people in your social support network.

Reminding yourself you are not alone/don’t have to be alone.

Joining a therapy support groups with others experiencing similar struggles in transition: loss, grief, illness, COVID-19 support, depression, anxiety, etc.

Work with a therapist.

These lists of suggestions are not intended as more to-dos, more things to possibly fail at or not do for yourself. Instead, I encourage you to pick 1-2 items from the lists that speak to you that you are willing to experiment with and try out in your own life. Sometimes, less is more. Especially when we are already at full capacity in a shifting environment. Be intentional. Be kind. Be gentle. Be forgiving. And remember, this is new, you’ve never been here before, at this point in your life. We’re all trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got. You included.

Check out part 2 of this post here.

So You’ve Had An Existential Crisis…Now What?

by Abby Lombardo, LMFT

I’ve heard it jokingly (and sincerely) said…if you haven’t had an existential breakdown during this pandemic…are you even doing it right?

Existential crises usually involve life’s big questions: Who am I? What matters in life? What is a good life? What is worth living for? What is happiness? What makes me happy? What can I do to live a life well-lived? What do I believe in? What do I do with my time? Etc. Etc.

Basically, what I mean to convey is… if thoughts of your own mortality, the mortality of those you love, what in your life has purpose or meaning, what matters, or what to do with your life have crossed your mind in the last year – you’re in good company. It’s important to normalize a good existential crisis. They’re actually deeply important for what it means to be human and to find out how to live our best lives.

It was just this past weekend, I was feeling this ugly, unsettled feeling. Kept me restless during the day, feeling over- and under-stimulated at the same time. Bored, but not really… I was definitely uneasy. I couldn’t quite name how I was feeling. Everything in my life seemed great…nothing stood out as a “cause” for this niggling feeling. I wanted to cry and curl up in a ball for the rest of the evening. I didn’t know what to do about it or what would make it go away.

This is just one experience of an existential crisis. Yours might look completely different from this or you might resonate with this description. The point is, most of us (if not all) have ‘em. It’s a part of being human… of existing. In this post, I seek to normalize and utilize our existential crises to bring about more wellbeing and flourishing in our lives.

There’s power in naming an experience.

Once I named this experience, categorized it, gave it meaning, I was able to make a bit more sense of it. It takes awareness to name something: you first have to acknowledge it. This can be difficult when our instinct is to push away, avoid, deny, or drown these feelings. Familiarize yourself with what your own experience of existential unease looks like. It could be obvious, or not at all. Pay attention. Look for patterns. Listen to your body’s sensations. In reality, this can be a lot harder than it sounds. While this is the first step, it isn’t always so easy or simple. Really spend time with yourself and your body to familiarize yourself with how you experience existential issues popping up in your life.

Why it’s important…

Existential crises are our psyche and body’s way to tell us to pay attention! Often times, there’s an unmet need, a neglected part of ourselves that is screaming for attention. A lot of crises happen during points of transition, change, loss, or upon entering a new life stage. There’s a reason for this. As you go through life, you change. Your needs, wants, goals, dreams, abilities…etc. In order to adapt well through life’s sometimes predictable (sometimes not) changes, you need to be able to flex and grow. Having checkpoints where we engage with these bigger questions and answer them anew for ourselves (even if our answers don’t change) is a powerful way to approach the inevitable change that life demands of us. There’s a reason “midlife crisis” has become so ubiquitous in America… middle life is a time of reckoning with what life is left before you. It can be a time of drastic change, from family life (empty nesters, divorce, caretaking or death/loss of parents, etc.) to personal life (questions of retirement, reckoning with physical health, abilities, ailments, etc., questions of did I spend my time well…). The list goes on. Our ability to face ourselves and take the time to ask and answer life’s big questions can be the difference of aging well with grace or living in denial or despair. (A note here that existential crises can happen at any age, not just during mid-life.)

What you can do…

So let’s say you’ve spent some time with yourself, you’ve noticed the unique constellation of sensations, symptoms, and feelings that mean you, too, are experiencing some existential anxiety. What now?

The next step is to lean in.

Lean into the discomfort.

Be curious about it.

When do you feel it most? Is it before work? After work? When you’re all alone? When you aren’t being entertained by TV, social media, or others?

In the discomfort, lies the key to further understanding.

To lean in requires us to be brutally honest with ourselves and our own penchants to avoid, distract, numb, or deny. We need to call ourselves out and our many ways of coping. As a species, human beings generally avoid discomfort and seek comfort. We must go opposite this innate tendency to find any type of answer.

Once you lean in, be curious, and be honest you can finally start to listen and interpret what you’re hearing.

How to listen:

Well, so far you’ve been doing a great job increasing awareness, acknowledging feelings as they come, identifying/naming the pattern of sensation and emotion. You’ve been leaning in with curiosity and honesty, challenging your innate and learned response patterns to discomfort.

Now what?

This is the time to ask yourself: What is my psyche/body trying to tell me? What is it trying to communicate? What do I need or want? Is there something I’m neglecting (a need/ a part of myself)? Am I unhappy with some aspect of my life that I’m not addressing? Am I internalizing something I need to externalize (anger, pain, grief, shame, guilt “negative” feelings)? What could I do to address this need/want? What can I learn about myself from this experience?

These can be powerful questions to unlocking the answers you need to move forward and through your existential crises. While this list is helpful, it is far from exhaustive. You will need to reckon with questions of your own that aren’t included in this compilation, but this can be a good start.

Now that you’re asking, you can use what you’ve learned from the past steps of identifying, leaning in, being curious and honest to listen to your emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual responses to these questions. Our bodies don’t often respond to us with words. Our bodies talk with sensations, emotions, pain, ailments, tension, energy, color, memories, images, temperature, vibration, movement, etc. Try to listen from these different modalities. And if this is something that does not feel accessible to your or feels like a foreign language – that’s okay! Just like any other language, the language of our bodies is something we learn and practice. It is never perfectly understood, we just get a bit better at it. A therapist can help you learn your body’s language and connect you deeper with yourself by learning how to listen and respond to what your body is telling you.

Great! You’ve come so far already! Next are the last steps of interpreting and responding!

Let’s say you’ve realized that you feel tension in your shoulders every time you get off work. Your energy level sinks once you transition from work-time to non-work time. You feel rushed and like no amount of time is enough time to relax and attend to all the other things (or people) that need your attention. You’re spent. You get sick often. Your body doesn’t know how to relax. You get headaches or stomachaches, too. You feel irritable all of the time. Your sleep quality is miserable and not satisfying. You feel exhausted, depressed, and anxious most of the time.

This vignette presents the myriad ways your body tries to let you know something needs attending to. Now, there’s no one right way to attend to these sensations/feelings/signs. This same person can try getting massages 1x/month, going to therapy, quitting their job, balancing work and life with improved boundaries, learning how to care for their needs outside of work, learning relaxation and stress management skills, finding a better support system, etc. For every one need, there’s many, many ways to try and respond to trying to meet that need. Interpreting what the need is and what response fits the best can be tricky. It is often a case of trial and error. Remember, the language of our bodies is more of an art than a science. It will never be perfectly clear all of the time. We must guess. We must experiment. Try and try again. The great part is our bodies often respond well simply to us just responding at all! Even if we get it wrong. You acknowledging, naming, leaning in, asking, listening, interpreting, and trying to respond builds trust with yourself – which communicates: When something needs attention – you will attend to it. You will not be neglected or abandoned in your need.

It is this self-trust that we build out of this process that gives us the confidence and resilience to flexibly navigate life’s curve balls, it’s sufferings and joys. When we learn the language of our own psyche and body (yes, existential crises is our psyche and body speaking to us), we learn everything we need to make it through. You have a navigational system already internally-wired. Consider this a truncated, generic version of an owner’s manual.

When talking about existential questions, I must reserve some space for leaving room for the Unknown. The Unknown represents the things we cannot answer, the things we cannot control, the change that inevitably awaits us. Sometimes, you won’t have an answer to how you’re feeling, you won’t know what to call it, it won’t have a name or a sensation that makes sense, you won’t know what you need, you won’t know how to meet that need that you don’t know about, you won’t know the best way through this…that is utterly and deeply normal and okay! Part of the process is trusting the process and interfacing with discomfort--and for a large majority of humans, not knowing makes us wildly uncomfortable.

And so, the next time you have an existential crisis (‘cause there is most likely going to be another one)…I hope these words can be a guide for you to start learning the language of your own psyche and body, so that you can grow and find the flourishing and wellbeing that comes from attending to all parts of what it means to be human.

5 Beginner Friendly Plants for Your Mental Health

Plants are with us in every breath- from the weeds in the sidewalk cracks to the giant Redwoods.  They are integral to our life (and all life!) on this planet. When we breathe in, we are breathing in the product of our leafy friends!

Plants, specifically houseplants, are having a moment right now. They are everywhere on social media, many non-plant stores have begun selling lil’ succulents, and you might have seen them on the shelves and tables at your local coffee shop!

Ah yes, taking a moment to revel in the resurgence of plants as having value to us as humans!

Indoor plants have such amazing benefits as:

-lifting your mood

-keeping moisture in the air, which helps prevent colds and flus

-reducing stress levels

-increasing feelings of well being for those who are experiencing depression, anxiety and other mental health conditions (*)

That being said, taking care of plants, especially if you are a beginner, can be a daunting task. 

I have been paying closer attention lately to the care certain plant babies of mine require, and have been noticing that some are less finicky and more forgiving than others. This is my list of 5 starter plants for newbies, based on my personal experience as a burgeoning houseplant cultivator:

1. Pothos

Ah. pothos! These plants are sold almost everywhere plants are sold, including IKEA! That is where I got my first one years ago. Usually sold for $6-$8, they grow quickly and don’t require much knowledge to get started.

Pothos need to be watered about once every week - two weeks, depending on the season. They will need less water in the winter and more in the summer. You can test the soil by sticking your finger in up to the first knuckle and seeing if its dry or still moist. Also, if you forget to water them, or do the finger test- they will always tell you they are thirsty! Their leaves will start to wilt and face downwards. When this happens, give them a good drink of water and they will pop back up in a day or so!

Pothos do well in mild to indirect light, which is perfect for Seattle homes and apartments! I put one in a dark-ish corner, and was worried she wouldn’t survive…. To my surprise and delight, she loves that dark corner!

They can be rotated to grow evenly and more bushy, or they can be kept in one position and the vines will reach down to the floor. They are lovely for bookcases and shelves as their gentle sloping vines are quite pretty!

2. Aloe vera

Aloe vera is another plant that is easy to find most places, including the QFC! They usually cost $5-$10 and again, begin as smaller guys. Aloe vera is so lovely because they adore getting dried out, so for those of you who are worried about remembering to water, aloe vera is a good choice!

Aloe will grow strongly and consistently in direct sunlight, but also do well in bright indirect light, like a north facing window that gets good light but doesn’t get direct sunbeams. 

They also aren’t complainers. I had an aloe in the pot he came in from the grocery store for years...no complaint from him! He even gave me several new growths. I replanted him about 2 months ago and he’s happily growing even bigger. Aloe vera is hearty and resilient. They can take a little bit of neglect.

Bonus- they can easily be trimmed with scissors or a knife for some soothing relief for burns or cuts.

3. Wandering Dude

Wandering dude is an absolute favorite of mine, as he does really well with breaks between waterings and grows strongly and quickly. You may be familiar with him by his historically known name, wandering jew, and this lovely article explains the plant community’s shift away from using that name for this plant. This plant is also often call an inch plant.

I got my wandering dude from taking clippings from a friend’s house. Clip off a few stems from the larger plant, and put them in water for 3-5 days. Little tiny white roots will appear, which is the clue it is time to plant him in soil! The amazing thing is, he can survive in water for a while…… (ahem, yep, like 9 months because I was being forgetful!) and then will still take to soil. 

I have seen these guys at many plant stores for between $10-$15. The vibrant greens and purples on their leaves frequently leave me in awe. The natural sparkle the leaves have inspires me daily. 

4. Jade

Wow, ok, discovering my bias as I write this because I LOVE jade. I find them stunningly beautiful! They are also a succulent, like aloe vera, which means jade does well when she isn’t watered that frequently. Jade should be watered when her soil is dry (the finger test will do) but she can handle longer bouts of no water. So if you realize it’s been a while since you watered her, like 3 weeks or a month, go ahead and give her a drink! Much like aloe, she prefers a sunny spot (yes, I mean where direct sunbeams can touch her) but will do well in bright, indirect light. 

Jade plants begin small, and are frequently sold for as little as $3 for a tiny one to $10 for a more moderately sized one. When they are young/small they are completely green, including the stalk. As they begin to mature, their stalk turns into bark! Talk about swooning! I have several jades which all seemed to be the same when I got them as littles, but who have grown up with very different personalities. Jade is a friendly plant who really likes to be talked to! Perfect if you are looking for a plant companion. Personally, all my jades are on my kitchen table (gets the best light) and I enjoy filling them in on my day. 

5. Shamrock/ Oxalis 

I admit that I was a reluctant owner of two lil’ shamrock oxalis. A neighbor dumped them on me! Now, I have come to love and admire them. They are the only one on this list who opens and closes their leaves at night time. WOW! It is such a treat to watch the leaves open in the morning, and close in the evening. Plants are very much alive, and this daily ritual is a grounding reminder of that. 

These guys are unique on this list in more than one way-- they also prefer to be “bottom fed”. This means that watering them from above with a cup or a watering can is ok- they will survive. But what they really prefer is to soak up water from below- so making sure their pot has drainage holes in it, and placing it in a bowl full of water, or a sink or tub. I let them drink it up for a few hours and then return them to their spots. Their soil will become cracked and hard on top when they need to be watered, and they will also tell you with their leaves-- they’ll begin to droop. A good bottom feeding session and they are back to normal! 

I also love that they have varied colors, between purple and green, with some light reds. Their delicate triangle leaves are quite unique and you will again find these at most plant stores for about $8. They enjoy most types of light. They can get a little crispy and burned if they are kept in direct sunlight, so indirect or low light is a good bet for these guys!

That is my starter list for a plant newbie! I hope you enjoyed! Again, this list is not exhaustive, it is simply a list of the top five easiest to care for plants that I am personally familiar with. And the plants who have forgiven me when I have forgotten to water them!

A few other beginner’s notes:

-It is ok to water your plants with tap water! That is what I do! Adding a liquid plant food in the summer months can be a nice addition, but is definitely not a requirement. They will do fine without it.

-Start small- try getting one plant from this list (or a different list!) and see how they do for a few weeks. Do you like having it around? Do you remember to look at it and check in?  If not, that’s ok! Plant care is a new habit and habits take time.

-Plants are sold lots of places! If there isn’t a plant specific store near you, try Home Depot/ Lowes/ Fred Meyer/ QFC. They frequently have really great selection and low prices on small plants.

-You can do this! Plant care can be very simple, and if you want a plant, then now is the right time to get one!

Happy planting!