By: Abby Lombardo, LMFT
What is Main Character Energy?
It’s the Gen Z term for being the protagonist of your own life, the hero of your own story.
So many of my clients are learning how to channel their Main Character Energy right now, which inspired me to share what I’ve been working on with them:
10 Things to STOP & START doing to become the main character in your own life
Stop comparing.
To be the main character in your own life is going to require you to start seeing yourself this way. You aren’t the sidekick, the background character, the cameo appearance. This. Is. Your. Life. Start showing up to it without always trying to find someone who is wealthier, more attractive, more talented (all the things white supremacy, diet culture, patriarchy and capitalism tell us to value). There will always be someone who has more (and less) than you. They get to be the main characters of their stories, and guess what, you still get to be the main character of yours with all of your strengths and your flaws, too. Stop putting other people on a pedestal above you. We are all human, all equals. We all deal with shit, just different kinds of it.
Start listening to your own wants, needs, boundaries.
An excellent way to stop comparing is to start being curious about yourself instead: your preferences, likes, dislikes, things that make you smile, things that make you feel cozy and comforted, things that excite you, things that challenge you.
Focus on getting to know what needs you have that are unmet: Do you need more connection? More hobbies & interests? Comfort? A bed-time routine? More manageable goals?
When you spend the time to relate to yourself listening for what makes you happy, it’s much easier to cheer on others going after their joy, too. And here is where boundaries come in—for protecting your joy. When things and people threaten your safety, your emotional energy, your time, anything of yours really—it’s time to consider placing a boundary – saying: here’s where you stop & start and here’s where I stop & start. I’m only responsible for me.
The simplest form of a boundary: saying no. Try it with me. Out loud. I’m serious. No. No. No no no no. Nooo. NOOOOOO. NO. Where do you need to say no in your life? Where do you really want to say it, but aren’t? Why not? What’s stopping you? And is that a good enough reason?
Main characters are interesting because they have something unique to them that they own. They explore who they are through the arcs of their plotlines. They have wants, needs, dreams, goals, motivations. They aren’t everyone’s doormat. They aren’t formless blobs of people, they have spunk or wit or quirks. Get to know yourself as a main character does.
Stop people pleasing.
I once heard that people pleasing is a form of control (Dr. Nicole LePera). We want to control other people’s perceptions of us. We want to be what they expect, want, and need us to be so we can be liked and accepted. This is not Main Character Energy.
Start doing your inner work.
We need to take a step back and examine this need for control, this need to be liked, this need to be needed.
Where does it come from?
When did I learn this?
How did/does this serve me?
What am I truly afraid of happening if I am not in control, liked, or needed?
These are usually the youngest parts of ourselves that we try to protect most because we feel the most vulnerable there, in our soft spots: the spot deep in my core that holds on to the fear that I’m unlovable, bad, unworthy, undesirable, etc. Main characters of all kinds have this vulnerable human quality, too. So what do we do with that part once we acknowledge it? See below on how to offer more kindness, compassion, and acceptance. Truthfully, this is hard work. Being honest enough with our selves, the parts we hide the most shame, the most fear, the most pain is not easy. Remember, you do not have to do this work alone. These are typical conversations that come up in therapy and can be supportive if you find value in working through things like this.
Stop criticizing and judging.
Criticizing and judging others often means you turn that on yourself 100-fold. Some of my clients believe that if they aren’t criticizing themselves or judging themselves then they can’t learn or grow. Some think that if they preempt others and point out their own flaws first, then no one can hurt them or embarrass them or shame them first. Sometimes, we learn from our role models what it’s like to pore over your every blemish and flaw, your every mistake and not let up. Main characters do not criticize themselves into a black hole, they learn what they need to learn, trust themselves to make the change, and move forward with their newfound learning and confidence. Cut back on the amount your cutting yourself (and others) down.
Start offering kindness and compassion.
You’ve probably heard it a few times by now across various platforms: be kind to yourself. Give yourself some compassion. Hear me now, again: Be kind to yourself. Give yourself some compassion. What we know of main characters: they get into some kind of conflict, they have some sort of trial they work through it internally or otherwise to complete their story arc and learn the lesson, mend the relationship, meet the goal, accomplish the mission, etc. See the bigger story at play here. You’re in a moment of trial, conflict, pain – you do not need to add more. You do not need to motivate yourself with shame and judgment and criticism. So what does kindness and compassion actually look like? Say some of these out loud and see if any of them feel good to you:
Wow, I’m dealing with a lot.
This is really hard.
This sucks.
It makes sense that I feel this way (because…)
I need comfort right now (finds way to give self comfort).
I’m going to take a break from this right now.
I’m struggling. It’s okay to ask for help.
I have it in me to do this.
Pro tip: Speak to yourself using a pet name (honey, hun, darling, love, sugar…). My personal favorite is “babe”. It is unusually challenging to be mean to yourself when using a term of endearment while talking to yourself or your body.
Stop trying to be perfect.
Listen to me, it’s a trap. It really is. As a recovering perfectionist, I feel especially strongly about addressing the white supremacist and societal expectation of perfection that permeates everything we hear from buy this, wear this, do this in order to be perfect, liked, desirable, successful, loved, accepted, etc…. The truth is that we do not need to be perfect to be all these things (and more). The truth is that we can’t be perfect. It’s not in our DNA. All we can be is human; all we can be is ourselves. The sooner we learn this, the freer we are to actually come to understand and pursue the things that are of value to us and connect us to each other. Besides, a perfect main character is so boring because they have nothing that makes them interesting or human.
Start being vulnerable.
Humans find connection through vulnerability. It’s really, really hard to be vulnerable when you’re trying to be perfect. In fact, vulnerability makes for a great antidote to perfectionism. This needs saying: you do not need to be vulnerable all the time, nor should you be vulnerable with everyone. Once you discern that it is the appropriate time and place to take some light risk, then please do share more of yourself, talk about something that’s difficult for you, ask for help, or the like. And then pay attention to the response you get from that person…how do they respond? Do you feel more connected to this person? Do they feel more connected to you? Did they respond by sharing something, too? With support? Or judgment? Then decide from there whether the risk of more vulnerability is called for or not in that moment. Vulnerability is hard, it’s messy. It can also be deeply rewarding and freeing. When we let people see us as the whole person we are, we learn to accept those hard parts of ourselves, too. The best main characters know how to find meaningful connection by being vulnerable and when to hold good boundaries and not be vulnerable.
Stop trying to be “normal”.
Normal is a social construct. It’s established by those in power of what this “good standard of human” or “the good life” looks like. In reality, the diversity and differences within our species is too vast to come up with such a model of average/normal. I encourage you to truly examine your assumptions and definitions around a “normal” person or life or experience. Maybe you wish you weren’t neuro-diverse, that you didn’t have to struggle with mental health issues, that your relationships weren’t broken, that you weren’t living paycheck to paycheck… These are not small things to wrestle with. This is what it means to be human. To be alive, to be messy, to experience suffering --to live in a system that does not serve, value, or treat everyone equally. The issue is not you; it’s the idea that there is a “normal” that you do not live up to. With any perceived “deviation” from the “norm” (or what we’re sold as the norm) comes grief, the sadness and anger over the loss of expectation that it should be different. I should be different. When we get stuck here, there’s not much we can do but rail against ourselves and a system not made for us. A true main character journeys through this grief, anger, denial to hopefully find meaning and acceptance.
Start accepting who you are.
Take stock of yourself. Honestly. Truly. What are your growth areas, your strengths, your interests, talents, hopes, dreams, flaws, issues, the things that make you you or make you human. Then, own your shit. Own it all. All the socially acceptable, good parts along with the bad and the ugly.
You’re not perfect.
You may not be “normal.”
But finally, finally, you can arrive at just being. If you try to fight reality, you will always lose.
You’re human.
You’re you.
Find your way to this acceptance as often as you can, for it is not a destination, something we arrive at once and done; it’s a journey, mixed in with all the aforementioned grief, loss, denial, anger, anxiety, and pain. Own that this is your journey and do with it what you can with what you’ve got. And remember, you’re unique, but you’re not alone. This is what it means to be alive. To be the main character of your own story, a story you own.
If you want to learn more about how to apply these concepts specifically in your life, reach out to schedule with one of our therapists!
