Tips for Working with Guilt

by: Abby Birk, LMFT

Guilt is an extremely common emotion that gets brought up in therapy sessions by almost everyone. When we feel guilty it can feel all-consuming. The thought spirals that accompany guilt can pin us down for quite a long time. We feel incapacitated by it. We feel beholden to it. We burden ourselves with it. I've decided to write this blog post about guilt, hoping to offer some alternative ways to work with guilt when it shows up for you.

What is guilt?

Guilt is a core emotion for most humans, meaning, we all have felt it at one time or another, across most cultures and nations. You might be wondering why we even have to have an emotion like guilt, what is it's purpose?! Why did it survive the millenia/million years of evolution?!

The theory is that guilt serves as an alarm for when we step away from our values or what is important to us. Meaning, that when we do something that violates our values, belief, or meaning system, guilt results. Guilt's alarm system can be helpful in many cases. Guilt moves us towards remorse which can lead to repair, reconciliation, connection (which evolutionarily meant a greater chance of surviving in a group with other humans). When we do something "bad" according to our beliefs, guilt tells us that we violated our own code and need to course correct and take a different path or action next time. And so the feedback loop continues, moving us closer and closer to a meaningful, aligned life where our actions line up with our values resulting in more satisfaction, purpose, fulfillment, and happiness. And who doesn't want more of that?!

Guilt is not shame. Guilt tells us when we've done something "bad" or "wrong" according to our values. Shame tells us "we are bad". See the difference? Guilt is behavior/action based. Shame is personal and character based. Guilt can be useful, at times. Shame sucks. Shame is an important emotion to learn how to manage so it does not rule your life and run the whole show, cause it will try to. But same with guilt, if we have a strong moral code filled with many "goods" and "bads" and "rights" and "wrongs" we are going to experience a lot of alarms (aka a lot of guilt). Sometimes guilt is helpful, sometimes it is not. While shame can be useful for the same reason guilt is: to help us recognize when we act out of alignment with ourselves and help us course correct and stay connected with others, it is most often not helpful due to it's tendency to attack our character and go for the most vulnerable parts of ourselves that easily believe we are no good, worthless, bad people. I won't be talking about shame today, but Brené Brown's work researching and healing shame is life-changing and worth a peek, if your interested in shame as a topic.

Helpful vs. Unhelpful Guilt

Just above, we identified there are two types of guilt: helpful vs. unhelpful. The first step to working with guilt is to discern which type you are feeling. How do you tell? Good question. Usually it requires checking in with yourself with these types of questions:

Did I intentionally choose to act in a way that violates a value that I hold?

Did I accidentally or mindlessly act in a way that somehow violates a value that I hold?

Did this action hurt someone (emotionally, physically, psychologically, etc.)?

Did this choice hurt me?

If someone else were to do this same action/behavior would I think it was hurtful or not okay?

Do I feel remorse, regret, or apologetic?

If you answered mostly yes to these questions, then you are most likely experiencing helpful guilt. If you answered mostly no to these questions, then you are most likely experiencing unhelpful guilt.

Do I feel this way because I am not living up to someone else's value or expectation of me?

Do I feel this way because someone else has an opinion about this that influences me and my view?

Do I feel like I am disappointing or upsetting others, but the choice/action/behavior itself is not inherently bad or wrong or hurtful?

If my friend or loved one were to make this choice/action/behavior, would I think they made a mistake?

Do I feel like this because I was taught this was bad/wrong but I don't truly believe this was bad/wrong?

If you answered mostly yes to these questions, then you are most likely experiencing unhelpful guilt. If you answered mostly no to these questions, then you are most likely experiencing helpful guilt.

After you have a better understanding of what type of guilt you are working with, you can then take steps to address it more effectively.

What To Do with Unhelpful Guilt

There are a few tricks to use when experiencing unhelpful guilt that I use with clients, who seem to get some relief from using them. First, challenge the reason for the guilt. Sometimes it is appropriate to challenge the belief, value, or assumption that your guilt is telling you that you violated or acted against - especially if it is unhelpful guilt, which means that you probably didn't do something that needs to be repaired or corrected or apologized for.

For example, if I decide to set a boundary with my mother-in-law when I visit their house, that I am going to stay in a hotel, to accommodate my need for alone time and more personal downtime and space while I'm with family over the holidays and my mother-in-law starts yelling at me that I am selfish and I am ruining the holidays for everyone, and my poor younger step-sibling is going to see less of me and I am bringing down the mood for the whole family by not agreeing to stay at their place -- then the guilt I might feel as a result of her reaction does not mean that setting the boundary or even the boundary I set was wrong or bad. It probably just means that my mother-in-law didn't like the boundary I set. Therefore, it is appropriate to challenge the assumptions leading to the guilt by reminding myself:

It is not bad or wrong to set appropriate boundaries that help me and others meet my needs better.

It is okay to feel upset after my mother-in-law responded like that, it does not mean I did something bad or caused her or others harm. Etc.

Not everyone is going to respond well to me when I set boundaries, doesn't mean I am responsible for their emotions.

Setting this boundary does not make me a bad daughter-in-law/step-sister/family member. Being a daughter-in-law/step-sister/family member is important to me and by setting this boundary I am able to show up more authentically and with more energy and care, which is how I want to show up in these roles and engage with others. This truly aligns more with my values than just doing what people expect of me.

Many value/belief systems and moral codes are taught to us by our caregivers, education institutions, religious institutions, and cultures. Some of these beliefs we grow to hold dear and integrate as our own as we become adults. A lot of these beliefs we grow out of and yet still carry with us and still live our lives by them. Sometimes this is a part of surviving our family or surroundings, sometimes it is not intentional. By challenging the value, teaching, or thought that is the reason underlying the guilt, we get more clarity on our own values and make more informed choices moving forward as to how to course correct in the future.

What To Do with Helpful Guilt

Helpful guilt is tough. Because it's there for a reason. It's a message meant to guide you in a better, different direction for the purpose of better alignment and fulfillment. When you experience guilt for a "good reason" or a reason that makes sense and is valid, then theses courses of action may be important: take accountability, repair if possible, seek connection, and then forgiveness (from yourself and/or others). This isn't a foolproof formula. Sometimes repair won't be possible, someone may not want to be in a relationship with you after you've behaved or acted in a way that has hurt them, sometimes forgiveness will not be forthcoming. What do you do then? Take care. Take care of yourself while you feel this difficult emotion. Just like sadness, regret, grief, or anger, guilt responds well to self-compassion.

When you are feeling a hard feeling, you can always be kind to yourself while you are feeling it. Feelings don't last forever (as sensations in your body). They come and go, ebb and flow, are stronger some days and don't come up in the same way for years, in some cases. Trust in the process of feeling your feelings through without plunging into the depths of shame, self-blame, or self-loathing. If that is your tendency, start with observational statements: I am feeling a lot of guilt because I believe I did something that hurt someone else or violated my value of not inciting harm to others. I am feeling a lot of shame and anger at myself. This is really hard.

And then, take care:

What do I need while I am feeling this emotion?

How can I punish myself less and take care of myself more through this difficult time?

What is a meaningful and appropriate way I can make amends/ seek out connection or support/forgive myself for being human?

What coping skills can I use in this moment to help manage the intensity of these feelings?

One Last Skill

In A Murder At The End of the World a murder-mystery multi-episode drama series streaming on Hulu at time of this writing, there's an incredible quote about guilt (I'll paraphrase here): "Guilt is a lot easier than the truth." I believe this quote means that most of the time it is easier to blame ourselves and lean into the guilt we are feeling rather than face reality as it is.

In the example used above, it could have been easy or familiar for me to give into my mother-in-law's guilt-inducing reaction to my boundary setting and blame myself for upsetting her and just agree to her demands, making myself uncomfortable for the rest of the visit and showing up less and less authentically. What is harder is stating reality: My mother-in-law reacts poorly when I set my own boundaries and try to care for my needs above other's needs. My mother-in-law's reaction is hurtful. My mother-in-law's response is more manipulative and controlling than it is concerned or caring.

I encourage my clients to face the hard truths of their situations and challenge the worn paths of self-blame, self-loathing, and self-denial. Hold space that it can be more than one thing happening at the same time. It's worth stating the truth and recognizing things are the way they are and that you feel some type of way about it (grief, anger, sadness, resentment) and guilt might just be "easier" or more familiar than feeling those other tough emotions and facing your reality head on.

In parting, I hope you take what you will and leave what you won't, so that you can have more clarity and feel empowered to respond to guilt in a more informed and useful way.  Good luck out there, don't forget to be kind to yourself!

If you want more individualized support for working with guilt, we have therapists with openings at Riverbank Therapy! Click here to schedule a free 20 minute consultation.

What is somatic therapy?

by Bobbi Smith, LICSWA

More and more, somatic therapy is being integrated into therapeutic techniques.  But what is somatic therapy?  And where does it come from?  In this blog entry I will attempt to give an overview of what somatic therapy means, and how to approach a therapist about integrating somatics if you are interested.  

As always, we start with context:  all the way back in the 1600’s (yes really) there was a French philosopher named Rene Descartes who was quite taken with examining the relationship between the human mind and body.  Since his work as a philosopher was pondering things, he began to think about the process of thinking itself, which he believed took place in the mind.  He theorized that the mind and body were separate organisms, and that the mind had dominion over the body.  This theory was known as Cartesian dualism, or sometimes mind-body dualism.  

Though there were always people that opposed Cartesian dualism, when what we now know as Western medicine began to form and institutionalize, it carried the legacy of Cartesian dualism with it.  Treatment of bodily ailments and treatment of mind ailments developed as distinct disciplines.  We don’t know if this is what Descartes intended, and can’t say for sure how he would react if he were alive to comment on it, but it unfolded this way anyway.

For generations, psychology has had the task of treating what western medicine firmly categorized as ailments that are located within the container of the mind, and therefore should be treated in that location, using the vehicle of thoughts to transfer a cure from the psychologist to the patient.  The most famous of these is “the talking cure” developed by Sigmund Freud.  In this approach, the psychologist would aggressively analyze the patients every word, which is 1. Deeply unethical and 2. Super annoying.

I’m getting to the somatic stuff, I promise.  

Let’s jump forward.  For decades now, some doctors, therapists and clients have questioned the utility of Cartesian dualism to truly address the complexity of mental and physical health conditions, and have been developing treatments that integrate both mind and body.  Soma means body.  Somatic therapy means incorporating some dimension of work with the body into treatment for ailments that used to be considered to be solely of the mind:  depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, and more.  

There are many traditions of what is called collectively somatic therapy- Sensorimotor Therapy, Somatic Attachment Therapy, Somatic Internal Family Systems, and more. There is no singular type that is agreed upon as the best approach.  Therapists that integrate somatic therapy into their practices are trained in and draw inspiration from traditions designed by many different healers, and that is a good thing.  Just like every other type of therapy, there is no one size fits all.  In addition, there are many, many traditional healing methods practiced across the world that include some type of body work, to which western somatic therapy traditions owe great honor.

The tradition I myself am mainly trained in is called Somatic Experiencing- I am not certified but simply studying it.  Somatic Experiencing was developed to treat PTSD, or what is now mostly called simply trauma.  The thesis behind Somatic Experiencing is that trauma can cause wear and tear on the autonomic nervous system, and so, trauma treatment should include the autonomic nervous system.  The autonomic nervous system is a component of the peripheral nervous system that regulates involuntary physiologic processes including heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, digestion, and sexual arousal. It contains three anatomically distinct divisions: sympathetic, parasympathetic, and enteric.  The autonomic nervous system lets us be relaxed, spontaneous, and socially engaged in a safe environment, or prepares us to fight, flee, or freeze in response to a threatening one.

Our human brains have evolved with add-ons to other species' brains, but we didn’t lose anything from them.  Basically, we have new apps but not a very different operating system.  As such, we have instincts to respond to harm or perceived harm in ways similar to other species.  Somatic Experiencing considers humans, aka homo sapiens, part of an evolutionary lineage that shares bodily features (such as an autonomic nervous system) and bodily instincts (such as fight, flight, or freeze) in common with other animal species that are evolutionarily older than us, and honors the innate intelligence of those similarities. In a threatening situation, animals either run to get away, fight off the threat, or if those don’t work, play dead (freeze) to appear unappetizing to a predator until it wanders away.

As animals, if an instinctual survival response sets off an alarm in our autonomic nervous system telling us to fight, flee, or freeze, it is important that that protective response is allowed to fully play out in service of its goal:  to get to safety.  If that response is prevented or constricted, the unresolved instinct can remain trapped in the nervous system as a chronic trauma response, or PTSD.  That can mean someone can feel trapped by the instinct to constantly fight, flee, or freeze, even if they aren’t in an unsafe situation anymore.  That is because even though our mind can cognitively register when a threatening situation is no longer happening, at the level of the organism (or body) there is no real proof of that, because all the nervous system knows is that it couldn’t do what it needed to in order to protect itself.  The nervous system doesn’t know time.

If that response were allowed to play out to its natural conclusion, our nervous system settles back into its baseline state, which is a proper flow in real time and proportional to what’s currently happening around us- not stuck in a chronic response.  We'll start in therapy by creating a safe container, building skills to cope with overwhelming emotions, thoughts, or body sensations. Then, when you're feeling ready, we may slowly approach your traumatic narrative, attending to body sensations along the way and supporting the discharge of trapped fight/flight/freeze energy.

One thing I love about Somatic Experiencing, and all types of somatic therapy, is that they acknowledge that human beings have evolved capacity for abstract thought, but otherwise are not fundamentally different from other animals per se.  Somatic therapy acknowledges the intelligence and healing instincts of other parts of our bodies besides just our minds.  Our bodies have instinctive reactions to what’s going on around us- and that means involving the body in therapy can have profound positive impacts on our sense of not only ourselves, but the world.  And who wouldn’t benefit from more wholeness and integration?

Most of our therapists at Riverbank incorporate somatic traditions into their treatment approaches. If you’d like to schedule a free 20 minute consultation with one of our therapists in-person in Seattle, or online for residents of Washington state, click here to fill out our contact form!

A Tool For Finding Comfort in Chaos

by Kelsi Davis, LICSWA

What is a Snapshot practice?

A snapshot is a journaling activity that aims to create or recreate a memory to ground yourself in the present moment. This activity can be utilized when you feel stressed, anxious, or frustrated. It is easy to get wrapped up in these strong emotions and feel stuck with them. The snapshot helps bring your focus to the present and allows time for reflection. This activity is not only grounding but can create a space for self-care.

This journaling activity is named after a quick informal photograph taken to capture a moment in time. Much like its name, this activity is done informally. You can take as little as five minutes or spend a whole hour writing out your snapshot. You can write one every day or write one when emotions are heightened. This is a personal and individualized practice.

How to Make Time?

There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done, and there is often a never-ending list of things to finish, so self-care needs to be intentionally set aside. Let’s set the scene for this journaling activity. Create a workspace that allows you to get into the mindset of self- compassion and emotional flexibility. This may look like deep breaths, going for a walk, yoga, etc.

The goal is to be comfortable in your environment. Be intentional with your time and create a space for yourself to feel. Then you can sit down and start to write or type (I like to put pen to paper). You may listen to music while you reflect or write in silence.

Why do this?

This practice may sound challenging to do when you are in a heightened place of emotion. If this is something that can’t be done in the moment of these heightened emotions, then you can set the intention to write a snapshot when you are in a good headspace. Then you can reflect on a finished journal entry when you are stressed or anxious. I suggest reading it out loud to yourself and using it as a tool to ground. It is like going to a happy place. This “happy place” can be hard to visualize, so writing can help ground your thoughts in a safe space of self-care and understanding. I often struggle to find time to fit this practice into my day. I set an intention to use this practice to remind myself to come back to it when I need it.

This is my guidance: celebrate the small moments. Self-care starts by creating space for yourself. Small things can bring joy, and we can relish in these moments.

What to Write About?

There are three paths (use one or all three!):

1. Create a new memory. Take a walk, get outside, sit with your feelings, eat your favorite food, and then write about your experience. Again, this practice is personal.

2. Think back to a memory and write about it in detail to help visualize the memory. An example of this: The first day you got a pet, your wedding day, a childhood memory that sticks out to you.

3. Reflection: ground yourself in your environment and take time to notice and reflect on something soothing in your current space.

Example One (creating a new memory)

It was cool outside, about forty degrees. It was a quiet evening. There is always something running through my mind as I tend to overthink. Life is always happening around me. My mind, as I write this, is full of day-to-day stressors. As I stand outside, I think about money, bills, and my obligations as a professional, friend, and dysfunctional family member. I think about the never-ending appointments and meetings and responsibility. As I am standing outside, I dig my bare feet into the ground and feel the dirt between my toes. I stare into the sky illuminated by streetlights and breathe in crisp cool air. I often feel like my life is nothing but things that need to be done. I am nothing but a machine. Well, the societal expectation is always to be productive.

It can be hard to enjoy the moments I do have. To stand outside in the cool evening and I ground. I hear cars in the faint background and the pattering of tiny feet from what I can only assume to be a family of raccoons. After some time in the quiet, I sat on the cool, damp grass. I was not thrilled to have gotten my pajama bottoms wet. However, it did not seem to bother me. I just ended up laughing at myself. The goal at this moment was to fully indulge in my natural setting, even when surrounded by the city. Sitting on the damp grass, I felt raindrops hit my face as I gazed into the sky. The cold drips of rain continued to hit my skin, making me feel present in my moment. I created a space where I had no obligations except to care for myself for a few minutes. To be present, to feel one with the world around me, and live in that moment.

Example Two (memory)

It was snowing hard outside. I was visiting my parents for the holidays. A time of year that is honestly hard. I was trying to enjoy the time with my parents, but I needed some time alone and fresh air. I stepped outside. My skin was warm, so it melted quickly when the snowflakes fell on me. I felt calm amidst the chaos of holiday bickering. I walked down the large stairway in front of my parent’s home and looked at the large pine trees in their front yard. The snow glistened. It glowed in the starlight. All I could hear was the snow falling until I heard what sounded like a baby crying. I looked everywhere to find what was making these sounds. I circle the property and return to the front yard, where I had been looking at the trees. I looked down, and I saw a small black and white kitten. His eyes were not open, and he was ice cold but very much alive. I took him in. This moment led to many sleepless nights of caring for this kitten. That was six years ago. One day can change your life, and the day I found Cecil changed mine.

Example Three (reflection)

I have a small plant cohabitating in my small urban apartment. I enjoy watering it and ensuring it gets everything it needs to thrive. It made me think how all people need different things to thrive, just like plants have different needs. Learning what we need and making time to care for ourselves are discussed often in popular media. However, it is often passed over about how to incorporate the practice of self-nourishment into our day-to-day.

Putting this into Practice

As you can see in the three examples, the journaling activity can be long or short. It is a practice to make your own. It can be utilized in the heat of the moment, after a stressful event, in the middle of feeling anxious, on good days or bad days. It is a practice that can be implemented at any time. I have written them on my phone to use while waiting for a doctor’s appointment or for when I’m stressed at work. The key is to return to these snapshots and embrace the emotions presented in the exercise. This activity allows us to remember the small moments and find joy in the mundane or simple. This activity may be best utilized by those who enjoy journaling. However, this may also provide a structure to try a new way to cope with heightened emotions, so I challenge anyone to give it a shot. You might find a new strategy that you love to use!

“To experience peace does not mean that your life is always blissful. It means that you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of a hectic life.” -Jill Bolte Taylor

We have several therapists with openings in their schedules right now. If you’d like to work with a Riverbank therapist, click here to fill out our contact form and our intake coordinator will help you get placed with the best fit!

Disenfranchised Grief and Ambiguous Loss

by Eve Evens, LICSW

I was recently reading Ashley C Ford’s memoir, “Somebody’s Daughter” and came across a quote that has continued to stay with me.

"In the stillness of the nights that kept on coming at the end of every day, no matter how pleasant or productive the day had been, I wondered if something was wrong with me for ever loving my father in the first place. It made sense why everyone who knew the truth couldn't look me in the eyes when I asked. They didn't want me to feel ashamed, but they already felt ashamed for me. I saw it on their faces, pointed in my direction."

One of the main themes of her memoir is her experience of both disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss surrounding her father’s 30-year incarceration. Besides the millions of people in the United States who have a loved one who is incarcerated, I started to think about all the other very common experiences that can cause both ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief that do not often receive cultural recognition. So, I thought I would take a moment to talk about them here. Even if it doesn’t relate to you specifically, it may make you a better friend or support to someone else in your life who may be experiencing disenfranchised grief and/or ambiguous loss.

Just like society dictates rules for how to act, dress, speak and operate in the world, society also dictates rules around grief and these rules can be subtle or explicit. Disenfranchised grief takes these “grief rules” to another level by assigning who is entitled to grieve and, in turn, who receives support, acknowledgment, and validation in their grief. These societal expectations can feel excruciating when your relationship with someone significant is not acknowledged or the impact of their death or other type of loss is minimized.

Grief becomes disenfranchised when we don’t receive societal validation of our loss and subsequent grieving process. Society says you shouldn’t be grieving, so you feel like you can’t talk about it. You can’t find support. You feel alone. You think your feelings are wrong. There are four umbrella scenarios that could lead to one experiencing this kind of grief:

1) Society says the relationship isn’t important, so grief is not acknowledged

This often happens when your relationship to the deceased is one that society interprets as distant and not worthy of grief. Societal rules often dictate that we grieve “blood” relatives and as we get beyond that circle, we find less acknowledgement of the impact of a death/loss. Some disenfranchised losses that fall into this category may be:

• Death of an ex-spouse

• Death of a co-worker

• Death of a pet

• Death of an online friend (cyber loss)

• Death of a same-sex partner

• Miscarriage or stillbirth

• Death of a step-child/step-parent

• Death of a foster child/foster parent

• Death of other non-blood relationships (friends, boyfriend/girlfriend in-laws, neighbors, etc)

2) The death is stigmatized by society.

Sometimes the cause of death may make it difficult for the griever to talk about the loss, due to stigma. These can involve guilt, shame, blame, and countless other feelings that can cause a griever to hide their grief, feeling the death is not worthy of the same grief based on societal rules. Again, just some examples are:

• Death by suicide

• Death by accidental drug overdose

• Death by child abuse

• Death to HIV/AIDS

• Abortion

• Death due to drunk driving

• Death of a family member in prison

3) The relationship is stigmatized by society.

Though this can overlap with the two categories above, there are times that the relationship during life was a stigmatized relationship. This can lead to similar feelings after a death, with the griever feeling society will not acknowledge the impact of the loss, or they must continue to hide the relationship. This can include:

• Death of partner from an extramarital affair

• Death of a same-sex partner

• Death of a gang member

• Death of high-risk/stigmatized peer group (“drinking buddy”, drug abuser)

4) The loss itself isn’t recognized as a grief-worthy because it is not a death

These are often cases of losses that are grieved but are not necessarily a death. Again, this is far from an exhaustive list, but may include:

• Dementia

• TBI (traumatic brain injury)

• Mental illness

• Infertility

• Substance Abuse

• Loss of function

• Adoption (e.g. an adoptee is told that they should just be “grateful” that they have a family or is cautioned not to be vocal about feelings of loss of their birth family because it may make their adoptive family “feel bad”)

• Religious conversion (to or away from a religion)

• Incarceration

• Disability/Loss of ability (Diagnosed later in life or from birth/childhood)

Similar to disenfranchised grief, “Ambiguous loss” is a term used to describe losses that are related to presence and absence.  There are two types of ambiguous loss; when someone is physically absent but remains psychologically present such as with a missing person, immigration, or adoption; or when a loved one is physically present but psychologically absent, for example with chronic mental illness, addiction, or brain injury. Ambiguous loss differs from traditional loss because you are unable to attain closure. It is uncertain by nature, making it incredibly difficult to understand and to move forward or live with the uncertainty.

While every experience of disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss is unique, there a few general coping strategies that I believe can be beneficial no matter where we are in our grief/loss. This list is again by no means exhaustive but should serve more as a place to begin or jumping off point to explore other ideas.

1. Acknowledge your love for that person was true and significant and your loss is no less valid. Love is love. Loss is loss. Your love was real and valid; your grief is real and valid.

2. Remind yourself that you are worthy of time and space to grieve, be it the death of a friend, co-worker, four-legged family members, or any other loss. You may even want to write it on a card in your wallet, put it in a note in your phone, or put that message wherever you can easily access it. When someone says something dumb (oh and they will!) that makes you feel you are not worthy of your grief experience, pull that message out, read it over.

3. Remind yourself that you are not alone. It is easy to fall in to isolation when you are finding no acknowledgement or support of your grief. What can be helpful is seeking the experience of others who have experienced similar losses. With the growth of the internet and support group for those experiencing grief/loss, you may be able to find others who have experienced a similar loss, and some of the same challenges of a loss that is not given cultural recognition.  More groups are popping up for survivors of suicide, overdose deaths, stillbirths, transracial adoptees etc.

4. Create your own ritual. There are many times that, due to the nature of these losses, that you are not able to take part in a funeral or closure ritual in the way you would have wanted. Maybe because of the nature of the relationship, you were not welcome at the funeral, or you felt awkward, so you didn’t attend at all. Maybe there was no funeral to go to or memorial to visit, such as with adoptees or the loved ones of incarcerated individuals.

Consider if it would be helpful to create your own ritual now. This doesn’t have to be elaborate; it could be as simple as writing a letter or visiting a meaningful place.

5. Assess your support system. Though you may be feeling that none of your family or friends are supportive, be sure to really think carefully about this before you write everyone off. If all your “usual suspects” are not supportive, think of people a little further outside your circle. Sometimes you find empathetic people in surprising places! This may be just the time to reach out to a distant friend who also lost a child to overdose, suffered a miscarriage, etc.

6. Seek personal ways to explore grief and express your emotions. Consider journaling, art, photography, and other personal expression. Though you may not have the external support you want, you can still find ways to explore your grief and emotions on your own.

7. Be a support to others experiencing disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss. This is something you may not be ready for right away, but down the road, it can be healing to be a support to others. Remember that, just because you have a similar loss, this does not mean your experience will be identical. But you can acknowledge and validate their right to grieve, no matter how similar or dissimilar their experience is to your own.

I know some of you may be thinking “That’s all well and good, but what’s the point when I have so little impact on changing society’s view of grief and loss”. It’s true. We cannot change society’s grief/loss rules overnight. But society’s rules, norms, and expectations DO evolve over time and we as those who have experienced disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss play a very real part in that.

We can speak up about these losses and how deeply they impact us. We can support others and give them the permission they need to grieve, no matter what. We can help others understand when their words are hurtful and minimize another’s grief. We can start sharing our experiences with our friends, family, and community, if and when we feel strong enough, because those are the things they will remember and cling to if they have the misfortune to suffer a similar loss. We can stand up for the fact that we are all worthy of having our grief and loss humanized, no matter what shape it comes in.

If you’re experiencing any type of grief right now, we have therapists who can provide you with support. Going to therapy is perfectly normal when you’re grieving. Click here to book a consultation now.

How Naming Your Feelings Improves Relationships (Including the one with yourself)

In sitting with clients and myself, I like to start off with the simple, yet, powerful question, “How are you feeling?”

It’s slightly different from, “How are you doing?” or “how’s it going?”

Asking yourself or others how they feel is very specific and lends opportunity for you to check in with yourself emotionally. Before rolling your eyes, hear me out.

I know talking about emotions and naming feelings can be challenging and uncomfortable. Sometimes this is because we may not have the words to name the feeling, or weren’t socialized to recognize them and talk about them, or we’re so out of touch with our feelings that it may seem like more of a headache to name them than to ignore. It’s easy to answer, “I’m fine,” or “I’m good,” to those other questions, but neither one of those answers actually name a feeling. 

A feeling is an actual sensation tied to your emotional state. By answering “fine” or “good,” we’re not exactly connecting to an actual emotion. Of course, at times, this type of response is appropriate. For instance, if you’re checking out at the counter in a store, you may not want your cashier to know you’re super frustrated with your partner for not listening to you that morning. However, checking in with yourself or those you are close with can be extremely important. Naming feelings such as “I’m frustrated,” or “joyful” gives yourself a pulse on your emotional state which ultimately creates connection to self, or as I like to call it, your spirit.

Naming your emotions affords you with the opportunity of acknowledging yourself. This can be the first step to creating a relationship with yourself. Growing to understand yourself is the foundation to your mental health and external relationships. If you’re not certain of your feelings, you may not be aware of your needs and how to meet them. This makes it hard to acknowledge and navigate your moods and behaviors in a supportive way. It’s ok, we’re all figuring it out.

It feels nice to be acknowledged by someone else, why not allow that to be something you do for yourself? As Beyoncé said in her song “Me, Myself, and I,” “I’m gon’ be my own best friend.”

(The queen herself is never wrong but…I digress.)

via GIPHY

It’s a social norm to greet or acknowledge others when we walk into a room. You can make it a similar norm with yourself acknowledge how you’re feeling from time to time. Your spirit will smile when you acknowledge it. More than likely, you wouldn’t ignore a child who is crying, a friend who seems unsettled during a social function, or a family member experiencing joy when celebrating an accomplishment. But how often do you ignore yourself? It is an act of kindness and self-compassion to not ignore your emotions.

Building a relationship with yourself is the first step to building any relationship, especially as an adult.

As adults we often navigate relationships on our own because we’ve left the guidance of our parents and caretakers. We left the nest without a proper manual for relationship building, as if a manual exists for anything in adulthood. Often times you can find that guidance in therapy along with trial and error through various relationships. Nothing beats the opportunity to build and explore the longest standing relationship that you will ever have, a relationship with yourself. 

Naming your emotions with yourself can also be helpful for your relationships with others. Being clear with yourself about how you’re feeling helps you communicate to other people more effectively, and makes it much more likely that your needs will be met by the other person, and definitely will help you feel more heard, understood and cared for, even though it’s really vulnerable. Despite discomfort, you are worthy of understanding and getting your needs met, and that’s on periodt!

By recognizing a feeling such as frustration, you allow yourself to recognize this emotional state within. This invites you to potentially explore why you’re feeling that way or where it’s coming from so that you can address it. Feeling frustrated may not feel good in the moment, but processing and exploring why you feel this way can help change the feeling or care for yourself as you feel it. 

Frustration signals that maybe your needs aren’t being met in the moment or you feel misunderstood by someone. Instead of potentially channeling your frustrations toward someone else in a way that isn’t helpful or intentional, you’ve acknowledged your emotion and invited yourself to process the situation. This way your emotion can be seen and validated by yourself, and then communicated to the other person. 

Becoming self-aware after processing your emotions can lead to understanding yourself, connection to the physical implications of your emotional state, along with a path to finding useful coping skills when needed. Once you’ve processed what made you frustrated, you can also name your bodily responses to recognize the impact of this emotion on you physically; furthermore, this deepens your connection with yourself. For instance, when I’m frustrated I tend to get hot, my shoulders become tense, my jaw tightens, and I’m not breathing as deeply. By recognizing my physical state in moments of frustration, I’ve realized my go-to coping mechanism is to take deeper breaths and focus on my breathing pattern.

This allows for me to slow my thoughts and responses to others; as a result, I can be more tactful in my responses so the way I’m communicating will potentially be more receptive. Although breathing may not be your go-to coping skill, or how you would cope with “frustration,” in particular, naming your emotion will allow to recognize if and what coping skill you may need.  After exploring your emotion, it’s beneficial to explore coping skills that work for you with various grounding techniques such as naming sensations, meditating, engaging in movement whether it be dance or taking a walk, hanging out with people who love and support you, or engaging if your favorite hobby.

You may also externalize the issue so that there’s no reason to channel frustration toward someone else or yourself ineffectively. Externalizing means to name the problem not the person. 

Externalizing the issue creates room for you to detach the issue from a person to looking at it more objectively. Ask yourself, “what is the issue in this moment outside of the individuals involved?”. This helps you invite a little grace by shifting your perspective from blaming someone to instead, seeing the problem removed from the person. For instance, your frustration may not actually be with the person in the moment, but in the fact that it’s misunderstanding in communication; as a result, communication is the issue and not the person. This process can alleviate that frustration and maybe even transition that emotion to hope, or feeling as sense of clarity, after processing your emotion. 

It can also help you more effectively communicate to someone what you’re frustrated about. Rather than fighting words such as, “You’re an asshole”, you can say something like “I’m frustrated because I feel unheard right now”. You’re shifting the frustration in the situation from the person to the dynamic, which can help you and the other person face it together, rather than facing against each other.

Naming your emotion may seem simple, yet, a powerful exercise that will open doors for processing your feelings and deepening relationships. This process lends itself to you becoming connected to yourself, understanding yourself, and becoming aware of your needs in the moment. Identifying what’s happening for you internally can be the first step to building a solid relationship with your spirit, with your soul, with you.

Think of how many music artists have made millions off of naming and acknowledging their feelings: Drake, Whitney Houston, Adele, Otis Redding, the list goes on. If you’re not certain of how to put your feelings into words, feel free to Google “feelings wheel,” or “wheel of emotions” or check out this blog post about it.

You can check in with your feelings anywhere, anytime. So, now I have to ask, how are you feeling?

Read about more ways to cultivate a relationship with yourself here.

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