What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is very similar to compassion for others, but directed towards yourself. It is noticing that you are suffering, and meeting yourself with kindness and warmth in the midst of that pain. It is caring for yourself in moments where you’re hurting. My favorite way to think about self-compassion is to treat yourself in that moment like you would a close friend.
Kristin Neff (self-compassion.org) breaks down self-compassion into three components:
Self-kindness (instead of self-judgement). This means that you meet yourself with warmth and kindness, rather than criticism and judgement.
Common humanity (instead of isolation). This means recognizing that pain is part of the human experience and that you are not alone in suffering (knowing that your specific pain is unique to you).
Mindfulness (instead of overidentification). This means feeling and observing our emotions without getting overly sucked in by them, or overly identifying with them. Nervous system regulation skills really help here.
“With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation.” -Kristin Neff
How do I practice self-compassion?
There are a few ways. They all start with noticing when and how you are judging, criticizing or being mean to yourself. Just bringing awareness to this pattern will likely start to create a desire to be kinder to yourself (kind of like the light in the fridge; it changes just by virtue of being observed).
Once you’ve noticed self-criticism, my personal favorite way to practice self-compassion is to ask myself what I would say to a friend. I wouldn’t say “you piece of shit, get over it.” Instead, I might say, “this really hurts right now, what do you need?” and then try to meet that need. Giving this to yourself is, to me, the essence of self-compassion.
Other ways you can practice:
-name what you’re feeling, ask what you need, and meet that need;
-make a mantra like “pain is human, I am allowed to feel this”
-place your hand on your heart and take a few breaths;
-head to self-compassion.org to download Neff’s “self-compassion break” meditation and other guided practices;
-practice lovingkindness meditation.
Why is self-compassion so difficult?
Most of us are critical of ourselves. We have a front row seat to all of our flaws and weaknesses. It’s far easier to be critical of yourself than others, partially because you know your soft spots better than others. It’s also easier because being mean to yourself often happens internally, so others don’t see it and call you out on it. When you’re mean to others, it gets noticed. With self-criticism, you can fly under the radar.
Self-compassion is possible to cultivate, even if you hate yourself. It takes practice. You don’t have to believe it at first; keep practicing. Right now, you’ve got a superhighway of self-criticism, and an overgrown neglected path of self-compassion. It takes time and consistency to cut a new path, and turn the self-compassion path into the highway default.
I feel guilty when I’m kind to myself. How do I deal with that?
This is a common reaction to self-compassion. Remind yourself that you deserve kindness and compassion. Always.
Questions to reflect on:
Where did you learn that you don’t deserve kindness?
Where did you learn that criticism is the best path to motivation and success?
Do you believe that criticism is working for you?
Self-compassion feels like an excuse. How can I do this and still be accountable?
Accountability is part of self-compassion. Accountability and shame are different. Calling yourself bad or shaming yourself for doing something wrong is very different than actually holding yourself accountable. Shame does not promote behavior change. Compassionate accountability does. Self-compassion can be softness and gentleness, and it can also be calling yourself on your shit.
I like to think about self-compassion as talking to yourself the way you'd talk to a friend. And sometimes, a good friend will kindly (or with tough love) tell you when you're wrong and need to do better.
Accountability with self-compassion means holding yourself to your values and how you want to show up in the world, while not calling yourself bad or awful for making a mistake. Accountability and self-compassion are similar to self-care.
Self-care is not always a spa day. Sometimes self-care is hard stuff, like setting that boundary, buckling down and doing the task you've been putting off, etc.
Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook. It's being kind to yourself, and, at times, that kindness means telling yourself that you did something outside of your value system and committing to doing better.
Self-compassion is a key skill for mental and emotional well-being. I highly recommend diving into this work, with a therapist if you’re able!
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