Guided Visualization Meditation to Build a Sense of Safety

by Abby Birk, LMFT

Recently, many of my clients (and I) have desperately needed to revisit our regulation skills. Skills that bring us back to a sense of calm, ease, relaxation or restoration in our bodies. In today's world, this state of being can be elusive between the go-go-go pace of life and the incessant call to be more and more productive. The need for intentional mindfulness and somatic regulation keeps increasing as we fall more and more into the trap of "I just don't have the time" day after day.

Below, I've written out the script I use to walk my clients through a visual meditation called Safe Place, to cultivate safety and security in the here and now. Many have their own version of this skill; here is the one I utilize in my sessions. My hope is to demystify these types of skills and make them accessible for practical, everyday use. As you continue, I recommend reading through (or listening to) the entire script at least once before trying it on your own with your eyes closed or gaze lowered.

Listen to the audio below:

Or read the script here (and maybe record it for yourself, or have a loved one record it for you!):

Find a comfortable seated, reclined, or supine position. Whatever position you choose, make sure you are not holding any tension to support this position, rather lean into and feel the support of your chair, floor, or object you are resting on, in, or against. It's best for grounding purposes (if you are in a position that allows it) to rest the soles of your feet on the floor. Let yourself get weighty and heavy as you allow your body to rest fully supported. You may place your hands wherever you'd like, on your thighs, in your lap, or on your heart and chest.

Now draw your attention to your breath. Do not seek to change anything yet, first observe with gentle curiosity the quality of your breath, the parts of the body that move or don't move as you breathe, the speed or sound of your current breath cycle...

As you observe, you might notice your breath starting to change anyways, that's okay. You can soon begin to intentionally lengthen your inhales and exhales. For this visualization meditation, we want to focus on elongated our exhales more than our inhales to better turn on our vagus nerve and calming parasympathetic nervous system.

Take a few rounds of deep breaths with longer exhales.

Minds wander, that's what they do. Label your thoughts as "thoughts" or "thinking" and return back to an aspect of your breath that can provide a bit more focus: the quality, speed, depth, length, feel, temperature, movement, etc.

Now you will select a safe place that you can imagine or think about for the rest of this exercise. It can be real or imagined. A place you've been to or never visited. It can obey the laws of physics or not. Whatever place you choose, you are in control here, you decide what is in the scene and what is not: if there's anyone with you, the weather, the way you feel here. You are completely safe and at ease in this landscape of your choosing. Take a minute to select a place or try a few different images to see which serves you today.

You will then explore your safe place through your 5 senses, starting with sight.

As you imagine looking around in your safe place, what can you see? How far can you see into the distance? What living things are around? What colors? What's the weather like? What buildings or people or nature fill up your space, if any? What surrounds you, what do you sit or stand or lay on? Once you've taken time observing, take some deep breaths simply enjoying the sensations that arise just by being in this place and looking around you.

When you're ready to move along, we'll continue our exploration through our sense of touch. What textures make up your safe place? Is there sand running through your fingers? Water? Are you surrounded by cozy blankets or laying on a fuzzy rug? Petting an animal? There are no wrong answers. Take stock of what you can feel on your skin, temperature, breeze, weather, etc. Take a few deep breaths once you're done observing with your sense of touch to enjoy the sensations that arise from the textures of your safe place.

Next, imagine closing your eyes in this place, identifying all that you can smell. If there are no naturally derived smells in your safe space landscape, you can invent some: maybe pulling in some of your favorite smells from different parts of your life like perfume/cologne, essential oils, warm drinks, nature, candles, etc. Take a few more deep breaths enjoying how the sense of smell in this place interacts with your body to create more safety and relaxation.

Now, you can continue imagining your eyes closed as you pay attention to the sounds that exist in this safe place. Further ground yourself into this landscape by singling out various sounds around you. Maybe you prefer your safe place to be silent, that is okay too! Whatever you find, just give yourself time to experience it fully and pay attention to how your body reactions to what it can hear in this space.

Lastly, we will engage with your sense of taste in this space. Like smell, you may have to manufacture a taste in your safe space if one is not naturally derived. You may pull from favorite foods, flavors, crisp, clean autumn air or the taste of the air after rainfall. Let yourself enjoy, with a few deep breaths, whatever flavors show up in your safe place.

Integrating all 5 senses in this imagined location allows for further grounding and experiencing of this beautiful internal resource. It allows your brain to fully simulate what it is like to exist in that safe, secure, relaxed state.

Take a few more breath cycles allowing yourself to simply exist in this safe place, remembering to see how your body feels. You will end the meditation with a body scan -- checking in slowly from head to toe (as if you were going through a scanner) for any sensations, feelings, emotions, etc. that arise. Then, you can wiggle your toes, eyelashes, and fingers: opening your eyes to fully come out of the meditation.

Remember, you are the author and originator of your own safe place, which means you have access to this space whenever you need it. Come to ground, regulate, relax, or restore yourself anytime you'd like! Visit when you need and just because you can, even allowing yourself a visit once daily or weekly. The more often we practice skills like these, the better utilized they will be when we actually NEED them in a difficult moment. Your safe place can change however you'd like or remain the same, time after time; don't forget, there are no rules, no "right" or "wrong" way to do this exercise. The important part to keep in mind is that YOU have full agency and autonomy over your safe place. View this guide as an invitation of cues to further ground you in your own experience -- which is all you, baby! Allow this guide to remind you of your own internal resources that you can avail yourself of anytime you'd like. Enjoy!

If you’d like to meet with a therapist to build a safe place together, or to further process stress in your life, Riverbank Therapy has therapists with openings, in person and virtual! Click here to schedule your free 20 minute consultation.

5 Tips for Sharing Big Feelings

by Bobbi Smith, LICSWA

“Big Feelings” is my term for the feelings that aren’t fun to feel- sadness, grief, pain, worry, etc.  It’s true that joy, love, contentment, and other positive feelings are just as big, but it tends to be easier to share those with others.  We may worry that if we share something negative we will be a burden, ruin someone’s day, or make the feelings bigger.  But it’s important to talk about them.  It actually builds community and connection.  Other people have Big Feelings too and sharing them helps make relationships more authentic.

 Often, we can share our big feelings, but end up intellectualizing them instead of really feeling them.

“Intellectualizing” means turning feelings into thoughts, either to explain why they’re happening or to try to find a way out of them by turning them into a fully mental experience.  Intellectualizing can be helpful because it can help us think through conflict without blaming anyone or can help us understand ourselves and our experience more.  It becomes a problem when someone uses reason and logic to avoid uncomfortable emotions.

Here are 5 tools you can use to share your Big Feelings with those around you more effectively:

1)  Choose who to share with

This step will require discernment about who might be someone you can trust.  Here are some tips for how to identify a trustworthy person to talk to:

• They show interest in you by asking how you are doing or how your day was

• When you respond, they show they are listening by acknowledging what you shared or offer their own experience in kind

• They don't often share stories about other people

• They don't tell other people's big secrets without permission

• They talk about their role in a situation, not just other peoples

• They acknowledge their Big Feelings:  sadness, anger, grief, worry

• They don't say bad things about groups of people as a whole

• You have all ready talked about some other things, so you have an established relationship

For more information about how to tell who is trustworthy, please look into the BRAVING framework by Brene Brown.  It is really helpful!  

2) Take a sip of your Big Feeling

This is a concept called titration.  Titration means to slowly acknowledge little doses of the feeling instead of being overtaken by it.  Think of it like this:  Your feeling is inside a big pot.  The big pot represents everything there is to feel.  You are simply taking a spoon and slurping the taste (unless slurping is too rude).  That’s it.  You don’t have to jump in the pot, you don’t even have to eat a full bowl.  Start with one spoon and slowly sip.  We are wading into this pool- not jumping in.  

3) Lead with the feeling

This is the part where you confide in someone else.  This might have a quality of breaking the ice.  It might even have a quality of bringing up something taboo.  You might be going against the grain.  There’s some risk involved, but ultimately the prize is worth it.  Leading with the feeling means focusing on the feeling itself instead of the story you have about it or the meaning you’ve made of it.  This is the hard part.  Here are some tips for breaking the ice:  

• When someone asks you how you are, take a sigh before you reply- this will signal to the other person that you’re not doing well even before you use words.

• Use a familiar greeting: “I don’t know dude, I’m just feeling a lot of…”

• Be direct:  “To tell you the truth, I’m…”.  

Of course, you can give one or two sentences to provide context to the other person, but don’t get too lost in that.  Remember your spoon.  

If you’re unsure how to describe what you’re feeling, check out this blog on steps to feeling your feelings.

4) It’s okay to say “I don’t know what to do”

Intellectualizing can become so normative that it might be expected that you have a strategy to address the feeling you’re having even as you experience it.  How will you make it go away?  You don’t have to know yet.  You don’t have to have a sophisticated plan.  Just stay close to the feeling.  Experiment with different language to float the fact that you’re not trying to come up with a solution right now- you are titrating, not fixing.

5) Observe the conversation while it’s happening

Perhaps someone will respond with mutual recognition:  “Me too… I’ve been feeling the same thing.”  Perhaps not.  If they do, here’s a few things to pay attention to during the conversation:

• While you are sharing, keep returning to the pot with your spoon.

• Notice the words being used.  If you end up talking about theories or high level strategizing, or planning how if someone would act differently the feeling would go away, you are likely intellectualizing.

• Feel for deep and simple truths:  conversations that center on universal human experiences are often an indication that the conversation is anchored in the right place.  

• Notice the spoons they hand to you, and the contents of their pot, and respond in kind.  If you don’t know what to say, take a pause.  You can say:  “I’m so glad we’re talking about this.  It feels hard to talk about.”  “I really care about you, even if I can’t understand your experience.  I want to help.”

Conversations about feelings like this are vulnerable.  When you have shared your Big Feelings mutually and receptively with someone, there will be a natural shift in tone.  You might feel a bit tired from doing emotional work.  Also, the conversation might naturally change to humorous topics and become more spontaneous.  These are signs you have accessed your common humanity and might feel safer around each other.  

Lastly, if it doesn’t work, try again.

Any new strategy contains inherent risk.  There is a reason patterns become engrained.  It makes sense to avoid pain or rejection and risk.  If for whatever reason the person or people you open up to don’t respond or attempt to reform the ice, it’s okay to extend your spoon again.  They simply might not have noticed the first time.  

Try with another friend, a different group, or in a different situation.  Take a risk.  Without risk, there is no reward, and no growth.

Happy Ice Breaking!

If you’re interested in sharing and processing some Big Feelings in therapy, we have therapists with both in person (in Seattle) and virtual (across Washington state) openings here at Riverbank Therapy. Fill out our contact form here to get your free 20 minute consultation scheduled.

A Tool For Finding Comfort in Chaos

by Kelsi Davis, LICSWA

What is a Snapshot practice?

A snapshot is a journaling activity that aims to create or recreate a memory to ground yourself in the present moment. This activity can be utilized when you feel stressed, anxious, or frustrated. It is easy to get wrapped up in these strong emotions and feel stuck with them. The snapshot helps bring your focus to the present and allows time for reflection. This activity is not only grounding but can create a space for self-care.

This journaling activity is named after a quick informal photograph taken to capture a moment in time. Much like its name, this activity is done informally. You can take as little as five minutes or spend a whole hour writing out your snapshot. You can write one every day or write one when emotions are heightened. This is a personal and individualized practice.

How to Make Time?

There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done, and there is often a never-ending list of things to finish, so self-care needs to be intentionally set aside. Let’s set the scene for this journaling activity. Create a workspace that allows you to get into the mindset of self- compassion and emotional flexibility. This may look like deep breaths, going for a walk, yoga, etc.

The goal is to be comfortable in your environment. Be intentional with your time and create a space for yourself to feel. Then you can sit down and start to write or type (I like to put pen to paper). You may listen to music while you reflect or write in silence.

Why do this?

This practice may sound challenging to do when you are in a heightened place of emotion. If this is something that can’t be done in the moment of these heightened emotions, then you can set the intention to write a snapshot when you are in a good headspace. Then you can reflect on a finished journal entry when you are stressed or anxious. I suggest reading it out loud to yourself and using it as a tool to ground. It is like going to a happy place. This “happy place” can be hard to visualize, so writing can help ground your thoughts in a safe space of self-care and understanding. I often struggle to find time to fit this practice into my day. I set an intention to use this practice to remind myself to come back to it when I need it.

This is my guidance: celebrate the small moments. Self-care starts by creating space for yourself. Small things can bring joy, and we can relish in these moments.

What to Write About?

There are three paths (use one or all three!):

1. Create a new memory. Take a walk, get outside, sit with your feelings, eat your favorite food, and then write about your experience. Again, this practice is personal.

2. Think back to a memory and write about it in detail to help visualize the memory. An example of this: The first day you got a pet, your wedding day, a childhood memory that sticks out to you.

3. Reflection: ground yourself in your environment and take time to notice and reflect on something soothing in your current space.

Example One (creating a new memory)

It was cool outside, about forty degrees. It was a quiet evening. There is always something running through my mind as I tend to overthink. Life is always happening around me. My mind, as I write this, is full of day-to-day stressors. As I stand outside, I think about money, bills, and my obligations as a professional, friend, and dysfunctional family member. I think about the never-ending appointments and meetings and responsibility. As I am standing outside, I dig my bare feet into the ground and feel the dirt between my toes. I stare into the sky illuminated by streetlights and breathe in crisp cool air. I often feel like my life is nothing but things that need to be done. I am nothing but a machine. Well, the societal expectation is always to be productive.

It can be hard to enjoy the moments I do have. To stand outside in the cool evening and I ground. I hear cars in the faint background and the pattering of tiny feet from what I can only assume to be a family of raccoons. After some time in the quiet, I sat on the cool, damp grass. I was not thrilled to have gotten my pajama bottoms wet. However, it did not seem to bother me. I just ended up laughing at myself. The goal at this moment was to fully indulge in my natural setting, even when surrounded by the city. Sitting on the damp grass, I felt raindrops hit my face as I gazed into the sky. The cold drips of rain continued to hit my skin, making me feel present in my moment. I created a space where I had no obligations except to care for myself for a few minutes. To be present, to feel one with the world around me, and live in that moment.

Example Two (memory)

It was snowing hard outside. I was visiting my parents for the holidays. A time of year that is honestly hard. I was trying to enjoy the time with my parents, but I needed some time alone and fresh air. I stepped outside. My skin was warm, so it melted quickly when the snowflakes fell on me. I felt calm amidst the chaos of holiday bickering. I walked down the large stairway in front of my parent’s home and looked at the large pine trees in their front yard. The snow glistened. It glowed in the starlight. All I could hear was the snow falling until I heard what sounded like a baby crying. I looked everywhere to find what was making these sounds. I circle the property and return to the front yard, where I had been looking at the trees. I looked down, and I saw a small black and white kitten. His eyes were not open, and he was ice cold but very much alive. I took him in. This moment led to many sleepless nights of caring for this kitten. That was six years ago. One day can change your life, and the day I found Cecil changed mine.

Example Three (reflection)

I have a small plant cohabitating in my small urban apartment. I enjoy watering it and ensuring it gets everything it needs to thrive. It made me think how all people need different things to thrive, just like plants have different needs. Learning what we need and making time to care for ourselves are discussed often in popular media. However, it is often passed over about how to incorporate the practice of self-nourishment into our day-to-day.

Putting this into Practice

As you can see in the three examples, the journaling activity can be long or short. It is a practice to make your own. It can be utilized in the heat of the moment, after a stressful event, in the middle of feeling anxious, on good days or bad days. It is a practice that can be implemented at any time. I have written them on my phone to use while waiting for a doctor’s appointment or for when I’m stressed at work. The key is to return to these snapshots and embrace the emotions presented in the exercise. This activity allows us to remember the small moments and find joy in the mundane or simple. This activity may be best utilized by those who enjoy journaling. However, this may also provide a structure to try a new way to cope with heightened emotions, so I challenge anyone to give it a shot. You might find a new strategy that you love to use!

“To experience peace does not mean that your life is always blissful. It means that you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of a hectic life.” -Jill Bolte Taylor

We have several therapists with openings in their schedules right now. If you’d like to work with a Riverbank therapist, click here to fill out our contact form and our intake coordinator will help you get placed with the best fit!

How Riverbank Therapy Got Its Name

by Founder, Toni Aswegan, LMHC, NCC

It is surprisingly difficult to name a therapy practice. When I started Riverbank Therapy, I knew I wanted to expand into a group practice and so I did not want to name it “Toni Aswegan Therapy”. That makes no sense if other therapists would also be working in the practice in the future (which, they are! This team is kickass). I wanted to find a name for the practice that would be encompassing of all sizes of the practice, and that reflected the type of work we do here.

I also didn’t want it to be cheesy AF.

My partner and I sat at dinner for a month throwing words back and forth:

“Rise”…

“Thrive”…

”Evolve”…

all the words you might associate with the therapy process.

Also, all words that felt meaningless and corny to me (no shade at practices with these names, they just don’t feel authentic to me or how I practice therapy).

So, in a last ditch effort to find a good name, I went to my trusty bookshelf. I read voraciously, especially books about therapy, human development, mindfulness, and emotions. I keep all of the books I’ve read related to my work on my office bookshelf, and often reference my notes and highlights in those books.

In the search for a name, I pulled down the books that had the biggest impact on my therapy style and my own personal growth.

Books like the Body Keeps the Score, Trauma Stewardship, and, Wherever You Go, There You Are.

I started flipping through pages, and reading the excerpts I had underlined.

In writing this blog post I went back through several of those books to find the exact quote that inspired me, but alas, I could not find it again! It must have truly been kismet that I found it once and not again.

 In any case, one of the underlined sections described mindfulness practice as sitting on the banks of a river, watching the current go by, carrying sticks and leaves with it, but staying grounded and steady on the riverbank.

It was perfect. Riverbank Therapy.

As a long time meditator, and a therapist who brings mindfulness practices into sessions with clients, this was it. A metaphor for being present, observing, and not being swept up by the currents. Not only is that what I do as a therapist, it’s what I support my clients in learning how to do with their own emotions, and is much of the magic of the therapy process.

Not to mention, “Riverbank” didn’t sound cheesy to me. A win all around.

So, there you have it! Riverbank Therapy. Mindfulness, grounded-ness, presence.

If you want to work with one of our therapists, head to our contact form and we’ll get your free 20 minute consultation scheduled. Like I said, we have a RAD team of therapists here, and our intake coordinator can help you find the best fit.

How Naming Your Feelings Improves Relationships (Including the one with yourself)

In sitting with clients and myself, I like to start off with the simple, yet, powerful question, “How are you feeling?”

It’s slightly different from, “How are you doing?” or “how’s it going?”

Asking yourself or others how they feel is very specific and lends opportunity for you to check in with yourself emotionally. Before rolling your eyes, hear me out.

I know talking about emotions and naming feelings can be challenging and uncomfortable. Sometimes this is because we may not have the words to name the feeling, or weren’t socialized to recognize them and talk about them, or we’re so out of touch with our feelings that it may seem like more of a headache to name them than to ignore. It’s easy to answer, “I’m fine,” or “I’m good,” to those other questions, but neither one of those answers actually name a feeling. 

A feeling is an actual sensation tied to your emotional state. By answering “fine” or “good,” we’re not exactly connecting to an actual emotion. Of course, at times, this type of response is appropriate. For instance, if you’re checking out at the counter in a store, you may not want your cashier to know you’re super frustrated with your partner for not listening to you that morning. However, checking in with yourself or those you are close with can be extremely important. Naming feelings such as “I’m frustrated,” or “joyful” gives yourself a pulse on your emotional state which ultimately creates connection to self, or as I like to call it, your spirit.

Naming your emotions affords you with the opportunity of acknowledging yourself. This can be the first step to creating a relationship with yourself. Growing to understand yourself is the foundation to your mental health and external relationships. If you’re not certain of your feelings, you may not be aware of your needs and how to meet them. This makes it hard to acknowledge and navigate your moods and behaviors in a supportive way. It’s ok, we’re all figuring it out.

It feels nice to be acknowledged by someone else, why not allow that to be something you do for yourself? As Beyoncé said in her song “Me, Myself, and I,” “I’m gon’ be my own best friend.”

(The queen herself is never wrong but…I digress.)

via GIPHY

It’s a social norm to greet or acknowledge others when we walk into a room. You can make it a similar norm with yourself acknowledge how you’re feeling from time to time. Your spirit will smile when you acknowledge it. More than likely, you wouldn’t ignore a child who is crying, a friend who seems unsettled during a social function, or a family member experiencing joy when celebrating an accomplishment. But how often do you ignore yourself? It is an act of kindness and self-compassion to not ignore your emotions.

Building a relationship with yourself is the first step to building any relationship, especially as an adult.

As adults we often navigate relationships on our own because we’ve left the guidance of our parents and caretakers. We left the nest without a proper manual for relationship building, as if a manual exists for anything in adulthood. Often times you can find that guidance in therapy along with trial and error through various relationships. Nothing beats the opportunity to build and explore the longest standing relationship that you will ever have, a relationship with yourself. 

Naming your emotions with yourself can also be helpful for your relationships with others. Being clear with yourself about how you’re feeling helps you communicate to other people more effectively, and makes it much more likely that your needs will be met by the other person, and definitely will help you feel more heard, understood and cared for, even though it’s really vulnerable. Despite discomfort, you are worthy of understanding and getting your needs met, and that’s on periodt!

By recognizing a feeling such as frustration, you allow yourself to recognize this emotional state within. This invites you to potentially explore why you’re feeling that way or where it’s coming from so that you can address it. Feeling frustrated may not feel good in the moment, but processing and exploring why you feel this way can help change the feeling or care for yourself as you feel it. 

Frustration signals that maybe your needs aren’t being met in the moment or you feel misunderstood by someone. Instead of potentially channeling your frustrations toward someone else in a way that isn’t helpful or intentional, you’ve acknowledged your emotion and invited yourself to process the situation. This way your emotion can be seen and validated by yourself, and then communicated to the other person. 

Becoming self-aware after processing your emotions can lead to understanding yourself, connection to the physical implications of your emotional state, along with a path to finding useful coping skills when needed. Once you’ve processed what made you frustrated, you can also name your bodily responses to recognize the impact of this emotion on you physically; furthermore, this deepens your connection with yourself. For instance, when I’m frustrated I tend to get hot, my shoulders become tense, my jaw tightens, and I’m not breathing as deeply. By recognizing my physical state in moments of frustration, I’ve realized my go-to coping mechanism is to take deeper breaths and focus on my breathing pattern.

This allows for me to slow my thoughts and responses to others; as a result, I can be more tactful in my responses so the way I’m communicating will potentially be more receptive. Although breathing may not be your go-to coping skill, or how you would cope with “frustration,” in particular, naming your emotion will allow to recognize if and what coping skill you may need.  After exploring your emotion, it’s beneficial to explore coping skills that work for you with various grounding techniques such as naming sensations, meditating, engaging in movement whether it be dance or taking a walk, hanging out with people who love and support you, or engaging if your favorite hobby.

You may also externalize the issue so that there’s no reason to channel frustration toward someone else or yourself ineffectively. Externalizing means to name the problem not the person. 

Externalizing the issue creates room for you to detach the issue from a person to looking at it more objectively. Ask yourself, “what is the issue in this moment outside of the individuals involved?”. This helps you invite a little grace by shifting your perspective from blaming someone to instead, seeing the problem removed from the person. For instance, your frustration may not actually be with the person in the moment, but in the fact that it’s misunderstanding in communication; as a result, communication is the issue and not the person. This process can alleviate that frustration and maybe even transition that emotion to hope, or feeling as sense of clarity, after processing your emotion. 

It can also help you more effectively communicate to someone what you’re frustrated about. Rather than fighting words such as, “You’re an asshole”, you can say something like “I’m frustrated because I feel unheard right now”. You’re shifting the frustration in the situation from the person to the dynamic, which can help you and the other person face it together, rather than facing against each other.

Naming your emotion may seem simple, yet, a powerful exercise that will open doors for processing your feelings and deepening relationships. This process lends itself to you becoming connected to yourself, understanding yourself, and becoming aware of your needs in the moment. Identifying what’s happening for you internally can be the first step to building a solid relationship with your spirit, with your soul, with you.

Think of how many music artists have made millions off of naming and acknowledging their feelings: Drake, Whitney Houston, Adele, Otis Redding, the list goes on. If you’re not certain of how to put your feelings into words, feel free to Google “feelings wheel,” or “wheel of emotions” or check out this blog post about it.

You can check in with your feelings anywhere, anytime. So, now I have to ask, how are you feeling?

Read about more ways to cultivate a relationship with yourself here.

If you’d like to work with a therapist at Riverbank Therapy, fill out our contact form!