At a virtual comedy event I attended this week, one of the comedians joked about being stressed out. Someone in her life suggested meditation. Meditation? Her? No way! She didn’t want to sit quietly in a dark room with her racing mind, meditation was not for her.
The joke got a lot of laughs and the comment box scrolling on the side was full of agreements- the comedian was right, meditation was a ridiculous suggestion!
Sound familiar? Yep, it feels like almost everywhere these days the concepts of mindfulness and meditation are pushed on us, with little or not help to understanding what they mean, leading to the frustration and helplessness this comic expressed.
Hello! I am glad you’re here! You probably clicked on this blog post because you too have felt muddled by all the “mindful” words and messages that get thrown at us on social media, the news, magazines, from our friends, and in an increasing amount of just casual conversation.
Over the course of the last decade, mainstream society has gotten saturated with buzzwords like mindfulness, self love, self care and meditation. I use the word saturated, because I see it everywhere! Waiting in line at the grocery store check out I see glossy magazine covers depicting an unfurling flower, or someone perched serenely on a mountaintop, with the size 48 font reminding me that I, too could be a blossoming flower or serene mountaintop sitter, if I would embrace mindfulness. Recently I walked by the dance studio on my block where they added a big, colorful sign in their window that says “LOVE YOURSELF”.
Huh. Without any direction or guidance, messages like “love yourself” and “be mindful” aren’t helpful. In addition to that, they can be harmful. With the increasing ubiquity of those “mindful buzzwords”, they can also elicit shame, self- judgement and questioning ourselves. “Everyone else seems like they’re on the mindfulness train, whats wrong with me that I’m not?”
Well, I am here to say, really loudly, kindly and in caps lock and in bold: NOTHING.
Nothing is wrong with you for not knowing how to bring all those buzzwords into your life, and perhaps not knowing if you want to at all! I invite you as you’re reading this. Yes, this very moment, to notice that you are a human, and you live on Earth. For me, that sentence allows me to exhale deeply, I invite you to do the same.
If it feels right to keep reading, then I offer you my outstretched hand, and all the kindness I feel as I write these words and you read them.
What is mindfulness, anyways?
Mindfulness is patient, kind attention to whatever is happening in any given moment.
Yep. That’s it.
But… how?
I invite you to try it right now as you are reading these words.
Can you hear any sounds, like a car driving past, music you have playing, birds chirping, the sound of yourself exhaling?
What color shirt are you wearing?
What device are you reading this on, laptop, phone, tablet?
Do any memories or feelings come up as you begin to take notice of this moment? If so, recognize them as well.
Noticing the pieces that build upon one another to form a moment- that is mindfulness.
This feels weird!
I acknowledge that patient and kind attention to ourselves and our surroundings can be a very new experience for many of us. Something as tiny as mindfully noticing the sound of the heater clanking brings us out of the past or the future and places us squarely in the present moment. I am here, the heater is clanking.
We have been taught and socialized to be anywhere other than here. From the public school system in the US, asking us to study for standardized tests, to the current usage and proliferation of social media, with people showing us all day how happy and adventurous their lives are.
That is why mindfulness is radical. It is the radical choice to say, I am right here, right now.
What happens if I get pulled out of the here and now? Am I doing mindfulness wrong?
Noticing you were pulled out ….. drumroll… is mindfulness! When we return to mindful awareness, that’s doing it too!
The good news is, mindfulness is always there, waiting for us to come back. This quote from Julia Child expresses mindfulness perfectly: “Always remember: if you are alone in the kitchen and you drop the lamb, you can always just pick it back up. Who’s going to know?”
Mindfulness is a private relationship with ourselves, so if we drop our awareness, we can pick it back up, over and over again. Kindness as we return is also a key factor. If we get lost in a thought, bringing ourselves back with such big kindness, like how you might speak to a child, “Hi, I see you got lost, I’m right here, welcome back”. I get feedback from clients that this feels corny/difficult to do at first, and that is A-OK! Acknowledging the corniness (if that is true for you) is also mindfulness.
I think I’m on board… but am not sure about sitting still in a quiet room, what are my options?
The great news is that mindful awareness can be done sitting, standing, lying down or walking. It can be done anytime of day, no matter where you are. Mindfulness is fluid, and malleable. It can be wherever you are.
This is a great rundown of what those positions might look like for you!
But If I am right here, right now, how will I ever plan for the future or move towards my goals?
Great question! The answer is that, by being with yourself, you ARE moving towards your goals.
Let’s say a goal of yours is to have a more open and honest relationship with your mother, and right here, in this moment, you are ruminating on the difficult conversation you had with her last night. Being in the moment does not mean running away from the hard convo you had with your mom- it means acknowledging it. You might put a hand on your heart and say, “I am really upset about that conversation I had with mom last night”. Just like noticing a car driving past or the heater clanking, the noticing and naming of a feeling as it arises is mindfulness.
Take a moment right now to notice what might be going on in your heart and feelings.
Some noticing phrases:
What that friend said really hurt me
I feel really joyful and happy when I take my dog for a walk
I feel lonely today
I’m worried about making enough money
I feel seen and understood because of that conversation with a friend
You may notice in these “example” phrases that some are more commonly thought of as “positive” and some as “negative”. That is intentional on my part when writing this list, because mindfulness is noticing ALL of our parts, the joys and the sorrows. When we begin to spend time with our true selves, motivation for change and growth has the space to be cultivated.
OK, I tried it, but I felt unsafe!
I acknowledge that it doesn’t always feel safe or OK to be mindful of what is happening in our bodies. Sometimes there is deep pain/ hurt/ trauma held in our bodies, and it can become very tender and raw when it begins to get looked at through the practice of mindfulness. Please know, this is a cue for you to stop or take it slowly. I invite you to acknowledge with kindness that this practice doesn’t feel right or safe, and contact a professional so that you can process with the support of a trained mental health provider.
My hope for this article is that it has helped to shine a more honest light on what mindfulness is in our daily lives. The voice of the comedian in the opening, the magazine covers, what we see on social media are all distortions of the core of mindfulness. The core of returning to ourselves and our awareness.
Please also know, this is a beginning for me, too! Although I have been practicing mindfulness for quite a while, I have never written a piece on mindfulness before! I would be happy to answer any lingering questions you may have or point you towards additional resources for your specific needs. Reach out here
If you want more on this topic:
Another blog post on mindfulness meditation here
Toni Talks Therapy podcast episode on an experiment: 366 days of meditation