Couples therapy can be helpful for couples to navigate their communication challenges, sex and intimacy issues, financial hardships, unhelpful relationship habits, and emotional disconnection. How to approach your partner about starting couples therapy may feel stressful and daunting. In this post, we'll share 5 tips on how to navigate this conversation with your partner.
#1 Ask Your Partner About Their Thoughts On Couples Therapy
This conversation takes lots of courage! The idea of individual therapy, couples, or family therapy may feel scary or overwhelming to many people, especially if they've never been to therapy before. There is a lot of stigma about therapy out in the world. There are also a lot of judgments about couples therapy itself.
Ask your partner, what is their view on therapy? Share with them what you think about couples therapy and how you think it could be helpful. Having an open and honest conversation together allows you both to share your thoughts and beliefs on therapy. Try to listen and identify any assumptions before challenging them and gently remind your partner about the reason behind your desire to attend couples therapy together, which is ultimately to better your relationship.
You may be avoiding the conversation with your partner because you're assuming they think couples therapy is stupid, or just for couples who want to split up (both are myths about couples therapy). Rather than making assumptions about what they think, ask them directly what their thoughts are on therapy and you can go from there. They might surprise you!
Approach the conversation with a statement like, "I feel nervous to bring this up to you because I care about our relationship and I worry you might take this the wrong way. I would like to discuss what you and I both think about the idea of couples therapy. I think writing down a pro's and con's list together could help us work better as a team and hear each other’s opinions better." Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. These are the tough conversations that will help you grow as a partner.
#2 Don’t Point Fingers (Avoid the Blame Game)
This tip helps set up the conversation for success. Avoiding blame can increase the likelihood that your partner is more open to couples therapy. Avoid going tit-for-tat, which is not helpful in general, and will not encourage your partner to go to couples therapy with you. Take a few deep breaths and be gentle to yourself, and your partner. Using soft, gentle, and kind language while talking to your partner about your desire to attend couples therapy will create a safe place where defensiveness and criticism are decreased. For example, if you are so upset with your partner and you don't think you can be gentle with them, I would ask to revisit the conversation when you both feel calmer and more able to be kind to each other, instead of using couples therapy as a threat or an ultimatum.
It is helpful to frame the conversation around what you want out of therapy as a team, and not what your partner "needs to fix." Approach the conversation by saying "I would really like to learn more about myself in this relationship through therapy and find better ways to support myself and you."
Try using "I" statements, such as "I am worried about how much we have been arguing and I feel like it would be helpful to seek professional help." This statement is specific, takes ownership, and avoids the blame and shame.
For example, how to bring up therapy when money is an issue, try using this statement with your partner, "I would really like to discuss our financial goals together, such as retirement plans, payoff debt, and home ownership. How do you feel about talking through this together with a therapist so we have someone objective to keep our conversations on track?"
Starting off with "I" statements shows that you are speaking about how you feel and not for your partner; ending with an open-ended question helps your partner have the space to share their perspective.
Try using this statement when infidelity has occurred: "I would really like to discuss going to couples therapy as an opportunity to rebuild us as a team and repair our relationship." Prepare yourself and your partner that you care about this relationship and are seeking to rebuild honesty and trust together. "I believe couples therapy can be a space to facilitate the hard conversations that I am struggling to have with you. I think therapy can provide us both with ways to better support each other."
Make sure to check in with yourself during these tough, emotional conversations. Your personal healing is a priority too.
#3 Listen Openly and Actively
As we all have been told at a young age, “put on your listening ears!” This conversation matters to you, and your partner may feel differently about the topic. Your partner may have a completely different perspective on couples therapy than you AND that is okay! It's important to try to be curious about their experience and their thoughts.
Try to listen non-defensively, by asking yourself, what does it feel like in your body to when you feel defensive? What might my partner be feeling right now?
Noticing that and what is coming up for you and building empathy for your partner’s experience (even if you disagree with them) can help prevent and reduce the likelihood of defensiveness coming up. Take a few long deep breaths and check in with yourself about how you want to best show up in this conversation. Practicing this will help calm your brain and body down from reactions toward defensiveness.
#4 Consider Individual Therapy, too
Seeking individual therapy in addition to couples therapy can help you gain a different perspective, take accountability, and learn better skills and tools to help support yourself and your partner better. Even if you don’t go to couples therapy, individual therapy can be a useful space for you to process your feelings on your own, which can help you show up better in your relationship or the couples therapy process.
This space can help you break barriers, unhealthy patterns, and attachment wounds that are preventing you from progressing and growing with your partner. Individual therapy can be used to help you learn more about yourself and how to be a better partner. Working on yourself and putting in the time and effort towards your own healing journey, may help you feel more prepared for couples therapy.
#5 Discuss Next Steps
If you and your partner have come to an agreement about going to couples therapy, there may be other things preventing you both from attending. For example, you may have childcare needs to figure out or conflicting work schedules; in these cases, Telehealth may work better than in-person sessions. Taking the extra time to sort those areas out together, before seeking therapy can better prepare you both to prioritize couples therapy together.
Having a conversation together about specific qualities you're wanting within a therapist helps you both know what you are looking for in a therapist. Riverbank Therapy offers free 20-minute consultations that allow you to see if you would be a good fit with the couple therapist before committing to a session with them. This time can be used to ask any questions or concerns you and your partner may have towards couples therapy and clarify what you are looking for.
Dr. Sue Johnson, couples therapist, developer of Emotion-Focused Therapy, stated “Being the ‘best you can be’ is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.”
Check out Sue Johnsons books that help navigate relationships:
Hold me Tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love
Love Sense: the revolutionary new science of romantic relationships
You might also read other books to read together as a couple. Check out our blog post here on books recommended by another one of our couples therapists in Seattle:
Human connection is important and essential. We all crave and desire it. Strong relationships are valuable. Take your time while navigating what therapy means to you, having this conversation with your partner, and finding a couples therapist that works for you. I wish you the best in your healing journey with your partner!