How Riverbank Therapy Got Its Name

by Founder, Toni Aswegan, LMHC, NCC

It is surprisingly difficult to name a therapy practice. When I started Riverbank Therapy, I knew I wanted to expand into a group practice and so I did not want to name it “Toni Aswegan Therapy”. That makes no sense if other therapists would also be working in the practice in the future (which, they are! This team is kickass). I wanted to find a name for the practice that would be encompassing of all sizes of the practice, and that reflected the type of work we do here.

I also didn’t want it to be cheesy AF.

My partner and I sat at dinner for a month throwing words back and forth:

“Rise”…

“Thrive”…

”Evolve”…

all the words you might associate with the therapy process.

Also, all words that felt meaningless and corny to me (no shade at practices with these names, they just don’t feel authentic to me or how I practice therapy).

So, in a last ditch effort to find a good name, I went to my trusty bookshelf. I read voraciously, especially books about therapy, human development, mindfulness, and emotions. I keep all of the books I’ve read related to my work on my office bookshelf, and often reference my notes and highlights in those books.

In the search for a name, I pulled down the books that had the biggest impact on my therapy style and my own personal growth.

Books like the Body Keeps the Score, Trauma Stewardship, and, Wherever You Go, There You Are.

I started flipping through pages, and reading the excerpts I had underlined.

In writing this blog post I went back through several of those books to find the exact quote that inspired me, but alas, I could not find it again! It must have truly been kismet that I found it once and not again.

 In any case, one of the underlined sections described mindfulness practice as sitting on the banks of a river, watching the current go by, carrying sticks and leaves with it, but staying grounded and steady on the riverbank.

It was perfect. Riverbank Therapy.

As a long time meditator, and a therapist who brings mindfulness practices into sessions with clients, this was it. A metaphor for being present, observing, and not being swept up by the currents. Not only is that what I do as a therapist, it’s what I support my clients in learning how to do with their own emotions, and is much of the magic of the therapy process.

Not to mention, “Riverbank” didn’t sound cheesy to me. A win all around.

So, there you have it! Riverbank Therapy. Mindfulness, grounded-ness, presence.

If you want to work with one of our therapists, head to our contact form and we’ll get your free 20 minute consultation scheduled. Like I said, we have a RAD team of therapists here, and our intake coordinator can help you find the best fit.

Disenfranchised Grief and Ambiguous Loss

by Eve Evens, LICSW

I was recently reading Ashley C Ford’s memoir, “Somebody’s Daughter” and came across a quote that has continued to stay with me.

"In the stillness of the nights that kept on coming at the end of every day, no matter how pleasant or productive the day had been, I wondered if something was wrong with me for ever loving my father in the first place. It made sense why everyone who knew the truth couldn't look me in the eyes when I asked. They didn't want me to feel ashamed, but they already felt ashamed for me. I saw it on their faces, pointed in my direction."

One of the main themes of her memoir is her experience of both disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss surrounding her father’s 30-year incarceration. Besides the millions of people in the United States who have a loved one who is incarcerated, I started to think about all the other very common experiences that can cause both ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief that do not often receive cultural recognition. So, I thought I would take a moment to talk about them here. Even if it doesn’t relate to you specifically, it may make you a better friend or support to someone else in your life who may be experiencing disenfranchised grief and/or ambiguous loss.

Just like society dictates rules for how to act, dress, speak and operate in the world, society also dictates rules around grief and these rules can be subtle or explicit. Disenfranchised grief takes these “grief rules” to another level by assigning who is entitled to grieve and, in turn, who receives support, acknowledgment, and validation in their grief. These societal expectations can feel excruciating when your relationship with someone significant is not acknowledged or the impact of their death or other type of loss is minimized.

Grief becomes disenfranchised when we don’t receive societal validation of our loss and subsequent grieving process. Society says you shouldn’t be grieving, so you feel like you can’t talk about it. You can’t find support. You feel alone. You think your feelings are wrong. There are four umbrella scenarios that could lead to one experiencing this kind of grief:

1) Society says the relationship isn’t important, so grief is not acknowledged

This often happens when your relationship to the deceased is one that society interprets as distant and not worthy of grief. Societal rules often dictate that we grieve “blood” relatives and as we get beyond that circle, we find less acknowledgement of the impact of a death/loss. Some disenfranchised losses that fall into this category may be:

• Death of an ex-spouse

• Death of a co-worker

• Death of a pet

• Death of an online friend (cyber loss)

• Death of a same-sex partner

• Miscarriage or stillbirth

• Death of a step-child/step-parent

• Death of a foster child/foster parent

• Death of other non-blood relationships (friends, boyfriend/girlfriend in-laws, neighbors, etc)

2) The death is stigmatized by society.

Sometimes the cause of death may make it difficult for the griever to talk about the loss, due to stigma. These can involve guilt, shame, blame, and countless other feelings that can cause a griever to hide their grief, feeling the death is not worthy of the same grief based on societal rules. Again, just some examples are:

• Death by suicide

• Death by accidental drug overdose

• Death by child abuse

• Death to HIV/AIDS

• Abortion

• Death due to drunk driving

• Death of a family member in prison

3) The relationship is stigmatized by society.

Though this can overlap with the two categories above, there are times that the relationship during life was a stigmatized relationship. This can lead to similar feelings after a death, with the griever feeling society will not acknowledge the impact of the loss, or they must continue to hide the relationship. This can include:

• Death of partner from an extramarital affair

• Death of a same-sex partner

• Death of a gang member

• Death of high-risk/stigmatized peer group (“drinking buddy”, drug abuser)

4) The loss itself isn’t recognized as a grief-worthy because it is not a death

These are often cases of losses that are grieved but are not necessarily a death. Again, this is far from an exhaustive list, but may include:

• Dementia

• TBI (traumatic brain injury)

• Mental illness

• Infertility

• Substance Abuse

• Loss of function

• Adoption (e.g. an adoptee is told that they should just be “grateful” that they have a family or is cautioned not to be vocal about feelings of loss of their birth family because it may make their adoptive family “feel bad”)

• Religious conversion (to or away from a religion)

• Incarceration

• Disability/Loss of ability (Diagnosed later in life or from birth/childhood)

Similar to disenfranchised grief, “Ambiguous loss” is a term used to describe losses that are related to presence and absence.  There are two types of ambiguous loss; when someone is physically absent but remains psychologically present such as with a missing person, immigration, or adoption; or when a loved one is physically present but psychologically absent, for example with chronic mental illness, addiction, or brain injury. Ambiguous loss differs from traditional loss because you are unable to attain closure. It is uncertain by nature, making it incredibly difficult to understand and to move forward or live with the uncertainty.

While every experience of disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss is unique, there a few general coping strategies that I believe can be beneficial no matter where we are in our grief/loss. This list is again by no means exhaustive but should serve more as a place to begin or jumping off point to explore other ideas.

1. Acknowledge your love for that person was true and significant and your loss is no less valid. Love is love. Loss is loss. Your love was real and valid; your grief is real and valid.

2. Remind yourself that you are worthy of time and space to grieve, be it the death of a friend, co-worker, four-legged family members, or any other loss. You may even want to write it on a card in your wallet, put it in a note in your phone, or put that message wherever you can easily access it. When someone says something dumb (oh and they will!) that makes you feel you are not worthy of your grief experience, pull that message out, read it over.

3. Remind yourself that you are not alone. It is easy to fall in to isolation when you are finding no acknowledgement or support of your grief. What can be helpful is seeking the experience of others who have experienced similar losses. With the growth of the internet and support group for those experiencing grief/loss, you may be able to find others who have experienced a similar loss, and some of the same challenges of a loss that is not given cultural recognition.  More groups are popping up for survivors of suicide, overdose deaths, stillbirths, transracial adoptees etc.

4. Create your own ritual. There are many times that, due to the nature of these losses, that you are not able to take part in a funeral or closure ritual in the way you would have wanted. Maybe because of the nature of the relationship, you were not welcome at the funeral, or you felt awkward, so you didn’t attend at all. Maybe there was no funeral to go to or memorial to visit, such as with adoptees or the loved ones of incarcerated individuals.

Consider if it would be helpful to create your own ritual now. This doesn’t have to be elaborate; it could be as simple as writing a letter or visiting a meaningful place.

5. Assess your support system. Though you may be feeling that none of your family or friends are supportive, be sure to really think carefully about this before you write everyone off. If all your “usual suspects” are not supportive, think of people a little further outside your circle. Sometimes you find empathetic people in surprising places! This may be just the time to reach out to a distant friend who also lost a child to overdose, suffered a miscarriage, etc.

6. Seek personal ways to explore grief and express your emotions. Consider journaling, art, photography, and other personal expression. Though you may not have the external support you want, you can still find ways to explore your grief and emotions on your own.

7. Be a support to others experiencing disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss. This is something you may not be ready for right away, but down the road, it can be healing to be a support to others. Remember that, just because you have a similar loss, this does not mean your experience will be identical. But you can acknowledge and validate their right to grieve, no matter how similar or dissimilar their experience is to your own.

I know some of you may be thinking “That’s all well and good, but what’s the point when I have so little impact on changing society’s view of grief and loss”. It’s true. We cannot change society’s grief/loss rules overnight. But society’s rules, norms, and expectations DO evolve over time and we as those who have experienced disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss play a very real part in that.

We can speak up about these losses and how deeply they impact us. We can support others and give them the permission they need to grieve, no matter what. We can help others understand when their words are hurtful and minimize another’s grief. We can start sharing our experiences with our friends, family, and community, if and when we feel strong enough, because those are the things they will remember and cling to if they have the misfortune to suffer a similar loss. We can stand up for the fact that we are all worthy of having our grief and loss humanized, no matter what shape it comes in.

If you’re experiencing any type of grief right now, we have therapists who can provide you with support. Going to therapy is perfectly normal when you’re grieving. Click here to book a consultation now.

How Naming Your Feelings Improves Relationships (Including the one with yourself)

In sitting with clients and myself, I like to start off with the simple, yet, powerful question, “How are you feeling?”

It’s slightly different from, “How are you doing?” or “how’s it going?”

Asking yourself or others how they feel is very specific and lends opportunity for you to check in with yourself emotionally. Before rolling your eyes, hear me out.

I know talking about emotions and naming feelings can be challenging and uncomfortable. Sometimes this is because we may not have the words to name the feeling, or weren’t socialized to recognize them and talk about them, or we’re so out of touch with our feelings that it may seem like more of a headache to name them than to ignore. It’s easy to answer, “I’m fine,” or “I’m good,” to those other questions, but neither one of those answers actually name a feeling. 

A feeling is an actual sensation tied to your emotional state. By answering “fine” or “good,” we’re not exactly connecting to an actual emotion. Of course, at times, this type of response is appropriate. For instance, if you’re checking out at the counter in a store, you may not want your cashier to know you’re super frustrated with your partner for not listening to you that morning. However, checking in with yourself or those you are close with can be extremely important. Naming feelings such as “I’m frustrated,” or “joyful” gives yourself a pulse on your emotional state which ultimately creates connection to self, or as I like to call it, your spirit.

Naming your emotions affords you with the opportunity of acknowledging yourself. This can be the first step to creating a relationship with yourself. Growing to understand yourself is the foundation to your mental health and external relationships. If you’re not certain of your feelings, you may not be aware of your needs and how to meet them. This makes it hard to acknowledge and navigate your moods and behaviors in a supportive way. It’s ok, we’re all figuring it out.

It feels nice to be acknowledged by someone else, why not allow that to be something you do for yourself? As Beyoncé said in her song “Me, Myself, and I,” “I’m gon’ be my own best friend.”

(The queen herself is never wrong but…I digress.)

via GIPHY

It’s a social norm to greet or acknowledge others when we walk into a room. You can make it a similar norm with yourself acknowledge how you’re feeling from time to time. Your spirit will smile when you acknowledge it. More than likely, you wouldn’t ignore a child who is crying, a friend who seems unsettled during a social function, or a family member experiencing joy when celebrating an accomplishment. But how often do you ignore yourself? It is an act of kindness and self-compassion to not ignore your emotions.

Building a relationship with yourself is the first step to building any relationship, especially as an adult.

As adults we often navigate relationships on our own because we’ve left the guidance of our parents and caretakers. We left the nest without a proper manual for relationship building, as if a manual exists for anything in adulthood. Often times you can find that guidance in therapy along with trial and error through various relationships. Nothing beats the opportunity to build and explore the longest standing relationship that you will ever have, a relationship with yourself. 

Naming your emotions with yourself can also be helpful for your relationships with others. Being clear with yourself about how you’re feeling helps you communicate to other people more effectively, and makes it much more likely that your needs will be met by the other person, and definitely will help you feel more heard, understood and cared for, even though it’s really vulnerable. Despite discomfort, you are worthy of understanding and getting your needs met, and that’s on periodt!

By recognizing a feeling such as frustration, you allow yourself to recognize this emotional state within. This invites you to potentially explore why you’re feeling that way or where it’s coming from so that you can address it. Feeling frustrated may not feel good in the moment, but processing and exploring why you feel this way can help change the feeling or care for yourself as you feel it. 

Frustration signals that maybe your needs aren’t being met in the moment or you feel misunderstood by someone. Instead of potentially channeling your frustrations toward someone else in a way that isn’t helpful or intentional, you’ve acknowledged your emotion and invited yourself to process the situation. This way your emotion can be seen and validated by yourself, and then communicated to the other person. 

Becoming self-aware after processing your emotions can lead to understanding yourself, connection to the physical implications of your emotional state, along with a path to finding useful coping skills when needed. Once you’ve processed what made you frustrated, you can also name your bodily responses to recognize the impact of this emotion on you physically; furthermore, this deepens your connection with yourself. For instance, when I’m frustrated I tend to get hot, my shoulders become tense, my jaw tightens, and I’m not breathing as deeply. By recognizing my physical state in moments of frustration, I’ve realized my go-to coping mechanism is to take deeper breaths and focus on my breathing pattern.

This allows for me to slow my thoughts and responses to others; as a result, I can be more tactful in my responses so the way I’m communicating will potentially be more receptive. Although breathing may not be your go-to coping skill, or how you would cope with “frustration,” in particular, naming your emotion will allow to recognize if and what coping skill you may need.  After exploring your emotion, it’s beneficial to explore coping skills that work for you with various grounding techniques such as naming sensations, meditating, engaging in movement whether it be dance or taking a walk, hanging out with people who love and support you, or engaging if your favorite hobby.

You may also externalize the issue so that there’s no reason to channel frustration toward someone else or yourself ineffectively. Externalizing means to name the problem not the person. 

Externalizing the issue creates room for you to detach the issue from a person to looking at it more objectively. Ask yourself, “what is the issue in this moment outside of the individuals involved?”. This helps you invite a little grace by shifting your perspective from blaming someone to instead, seeing the problem removed from the person. For instance, your frustration may not actually be with the person in the moment, but in the fact that it’s misunderstanding in communication; as a result, communication is the issue and not the person. This process can alleviate that frustration and maybe even transition that emotion to hope, or feeling as sense of clarity, after processing your emotion. 

It can also help you more effectively communicate to someone what you’re frustrated about. Rather than fighting words such as, “You’re an asshole”, you can say something like “I’m frustrated because I feel unheard right now”. You’re shifting the frustration in the situation from the person to the dynamic, which can help you and the other person face it together, rather than facing against each other.

Naming your emotion may seem simple, yet, a powerful exercise that will open doors for processing your feelings and deepening relationships. This process lends itself to you becoming connected to yourself, understanding yourself, and becoming aware of your needs in the moment. Identifying what’s happening for you internally can be the first step to building a solid relationship with your spirit, with your soul, with you.

Think of how many music artists have made millions off of naming and acknowledging their feelings: Drake, Whitney Houston, Adele, Otis Redding, the list goes on. If you’re not certain of how to put your feelings into words, feel free to Google “feelings wheel,” or “wheel of emotions” or check out this blog post about it.

You can check in with your feelings anywhere, anytime. So, now I have to ask, how are you feeling?

Read about more ways to cultivate a relationship with yourself here.

If you’d like to work with a therapist at Riverbank Therapy, fill out our contact form!

Empathy 101

by Toni Aswegan, LMHC, NCC

Let’s dig into this massive concept!

What is the difference between sympathy and empathy and compassion?

Sympathy is identifying with someone else’s situation, while empathy involves identifying with what they’re feeling and thinking during that situation. Empathy is harder and more vulnerable because it requires you to identify and experience within yourself the same emotion they are experiencing right now. That’s also what makes it more powerful than sympathy. Compassion is similar to empathy, but the main difference is that compassion is empathy PLUS the desire to help.

A note on terminology: “empathic” and “empathetic” are synonyms.

Is being an empath a real thing?

Maybe! Social scientists seem to have mixed opinions on this topic. For my purposes, I don’t feel the need to know whether it is a “real” thing (by which I’m assuming people mean “an inborn characteristically high level of empathy”). When I’m talking about an “empath” I mean someone who is highly attuned to other’s emotional states. If the label of “empath” is useful for you, great! If it’s not, you don’t have to pick that label up. You can call yourself what you want.

Does everyone have a baseline amount of empathy? Does early attachment wire you for more empathy?

Everyone (arguably, other than psychopaths) are born with the capacity for empathy. It is a trait humans naturally possess. Our experiences can increase our ability to experience and express empathy, or they can stunt our ability to experience and express empathy.

Attuned interactions with early caregivers (interactions in which a caregivers helps us name and care for what we feel) helps us develop both a theory of self and other. When we don’t experience attunement regularly as children, we develop a less stable sense of self and less skills to regulate emotions, and thus may have a harder time with empathy later on in life.

On attachment styles:

Those with avoidant attachment tend to experience a lack of attunement in childhood. Their emotional states are often ignored or criticized, so those with avoidant attachment might have a harder time experiencing and expressing empathy. Those with anxious attachment tend to experience enmeshment as children, meaning their emotional states are merged with their caregivers rather than differentiated. Those with anxious attachment might have a harder time stopping empathy and setting boundaries around empathy.

Why do some people struggle with empathy?

There are a ton of possibilities here. It’s possible they didn’t have a lot of attunement in early childhood. It’s possible they are not very in touch with their own emotions and so have a hard time connecting with those of others. Maybe they are easily dysregulated by emotion. Maybe they are stressed or otherwise burned out, which makes it harder to perspective take. Maybe they are judging another person, which blocks empathy.

Humans are generally born with the capacity to experience and express empathy.

Your childhood and attachment experiences can help you become more empathic, but even if you didn't build this skill from a young age, it is a skill you can learn and improve. And it's worthwhile to do so. Empathy will help you feel more connected, happier, and makes the world a better place.

What skills will help me build and practice empathy?

-reading fiction books;

-watching movies;

-going to therapy;

-practicing self-compassion;

-asking yourself questions about other people's inner worlds and behavior (swipe).

All of these actions help you build the muscle of curiosity and imagination about what is going on for another person.

Question to ask yourself to practice empathy for others:

-how might this person be feeling right now?

-how might I feel if I were in their position?

-what might this person have experienced in their past to lead them to this action/feeling/belief?

-even if you disagree with it, how might their behavior make sense?

What are some practical ways to express empathy?

There’s no script here. Use your body language and facial expression. Reflect what you think the other person is feeling “I imagine that was really scary” or “You’re feeling really lonely, huh?” with the option for them to correct you (we’re going for accurate empathy here, y’all). Get curious and ask questions, then reflect more.

How to move cognitive empathy to emotional/visceral empathy?

Being able to think through or understand empathy is great, but letting yourself feel it is really what other’s resonate with. Practice feeling your own emotions, this will help you get more comfortable with others. Therapy is a great place to practice this skill.

How do have empathy when I don’t agree with the other person?

This is totally possible! Empathy is not agreement. I can disagree with someone staying with an abusive partner, and empathize with their fear and helplessness about the decision to leave or not. I disagree with their decision, but I know moments where I’ve felt scared and helpless, and I can connect with them on that. Remember, empathy is connecting with the feelings, not the situation.

How to ask for empathy?

“I don’t need solutions right now, I just need you to know and understand how I feel.”

Remember, not everyone who is empathic has the skills to communicate it, so be patient.

At what point does experiencing empathy for others become unhealthy?

You’ll notice empathy becoming unhealthy when:

-you have little to no space to feel your own feelings

-You can’t stop thinking about other people

-You can’t sleep, are experiencing depression or anxiety related to other people’s feeling

-You overly adjust your behavior to influence others’ emotions or to take care of them

-You’re feeling burned out, disconnected, and losing your ability to have compassion and empathy (this is a SURE sign for me as a therapist).

How to set boundaries when you’re overly empathic?

-take some time to focus on your own feelings.

-Remind yourself that you’re not in the other person’s situation.

-Remind yourself what IS and IS NOT yours to be responsible for.

-Practice symbolically setting other peoples stuff down (write it down, pick an object to represent it and leave it outside the room).

-Get empathy from other people yourself. Seek support of your own, especially if you are consistently in the position of supporting others.

Wow, there’s a lot to say about empathy! It’s almost like its MY JOB! I really believe that empathy and compassion can make the world a better place. That’s why I do what I do.

Want to book with one of our wonderfully empathic therapists? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute consultation!

5 Tips for Times of Transition

by Abby Lombardo, LMFT

When I think about the last several months, weeks, days, one word comes to mind: flux. Everything is in flux: the season, the weather (hello heat wave!), my moods, the mandates, navigating spaces old and new. We are (and have been) in a time of transition. While change naturally happens as an ongoing process in our lives, there are some moments that significantly stand out as being marked by capital c Change. So is this time.

We are coming out of a pandemic, of lockdowns, of fear and death on a massive and personal scale. We are coming out of threat mode, unsafe mode. And depending on your expectations of what that means, it can look a lot different! And it will look a lot different for everyone. It’s important to remember there is no one way, no right way to come out of this season. We all must go through it in our own ways, guided by the decisions and values we each hold dear. With this said, I’ve put together a smattering of ideas to help you find your way through this time or any time of transition. This is part 1, with 5 tips for a time of transition. Part 2 coming soon. Take what you want, leave what you don’t.

1.      Grace

Sometimes the simplest yet most complicated act we can offer ourselves is some grace. We are experiencing a lot, something that only a few generations experience every so often throughout the course of recorded human history: a pandemic. This is new. Yes, it has been since last March… but you haven’t been here before, figuring out how to transition from pandemic to post-pandemic you, to a post-pandemic world. Ease up on yourself for having to get it right, do it the best, be the best version of yourself for everyone else, do all the (newly) socially acceptable things to do.

Grace can sound like:

Hey, I’m doing the best I can.

I don’t have answers right now, and that’s okay.

This is a lot.

These are tough decisions.

I am having a lot of feelings about this decision/etc.

I feel torn between what I want and what I need /or what I think I want or need.

This is hard.

This is new.

I don’t know how to navigate this.

Grace can look like:

Giving yourself a hug/asking for a hug.

Putting your hand on your chest/heart and saying one of the above statements.

A deep breath.

Letting go of what is not in your control.

Easing up on yourself regarding what is in your control.

Finding support in a friend/partner/person/therapist.

Letting your feelings just be.

Validating your feelings.

Doing a kind act towards yourself (i.e., self care).

2.      Moments of Stillness

The world keeps on turning, lives keep moving forward, everything is changing. Sometimes, a helpful thing to do is to purposefully stand still. Creating moments of stillness in times of change can be a way to re-ground, re-orient and find your center before plunging through the unknowns before you. In our fast-paced culture of productivity and “time as money”, moments of stillness are rare and counter-cultural. I encourage you to leave behind the all or nothing approach and seek just a few moments/minutes of stillness in this season of transition.

What moments of stillness could look like:

Drinking tea while looking out a window/being outside or by an open window/door.

Reading quietly.

Muting your phone/notifications for a limited amount of time per day to focus on 1 thing.

Mindfully cooking a meal.

Listening to a song with all of your attention.

Meditation

Sitting with or petting an animal.

Silence

Visualizations of a safe, quiet, enjoyable space/place.

Stillness of your body for only a few moments.

A deep breath or many deep breaths

A guided meditation/breathing practice

Gentle yoga

Doing a task you normally do, but slooooooowly.

Take a mindful walk around noticing things with your 5 senses.

Put your feet in sand/grass/dirt/on the earth.

The idea is that the moment of stillness can be figurative/symbolic or literal. Experiment with some ideas and see what resonates most for you. Finding a few rituals that allows you to re-ground, re-connect, and re-center can be so important in times when we are being pulled in all different and new directions.

3.      Basic Needs

In seasons of transition, it is easy to forget that we are humans: fragile, vulnerable humans in physical bodies that have very physical needs. Our minds and emotions can take us so far away from ourselves as we try to plan for the future, navigate unending challenges, or wade into the unknown. It is important to come back to the fact that we need sleep, food, water, and rest. (I purposefully separate sleep from rest because not all rest is sleep and sleep is not the only kind of rest we need.) Take a moment (or several) to see how you’ve been caring for yourself in terms of basic needs or even hygiene needs.

Sometimes these things feel very small and doable, we just forget to do them routinely throughout our day. Other times it feels like the most of gargantuan tasks, to care for ourselves. Wherever you’re at, you still have these needs. Drinking a glass of water can be a good start in a chain of other helpful behaviors that get you going in the direction you’d like to be headed towards during your day. Taking 5 seconds to stretch when you get up from your desk to go the bathroom can be a good start in the chain of helpful behaviors and rituals that reminds you to care for your body today.

The hardest part is often starting. Creating routines, rituals, and intentions is a great way to incorporate these needs into your day. Adding pleasure -- activities you enjoy or look forward to – in addition to these needs can be a good way to make it not feel like a burden or chore.

What caring for basic needs can look like:

Setting a sleep schedule with enough time to wind down and wake up.

Planning meals and chores for the week ahead of time.

Filling up a water bottle first thing in the morning.

Eating consistently throughout the day in a way that nourishes your body and gives you energy, focus, and enjoyment.

Checking in with yourself: What do I need right now?

Participating in a playful, relaxing, or pleasurable activity.

Stretching for 10 minutes at the beginning, middle, or end of day.

Taking a limited social media break to do something that is more actively caring for yourself.

Showering, brushing your teeth, washing your face, hydrating your skin/lips, etc.

Taking naps.

4.      Change your standard of success and expectations of yourself.

This is all new. You are changing. Everything is changing around you. When this is the case, we must choose to adapt. And that especially means we must choose to adapt our own expectations of ourselves. Change has a way of making us beginners again; it throws us right back into the awkward stage of figuring things out all over again. When things are shifting this much, you cannot hold yourself to a standard of when things were different. (I mean you can, but it will most often lead to a mismatch of reality, which usually adds on some more pain.) Because really, what’s happening when we hold ourselves to an old standard, we are not actually adapting to what the moment of change calls for, which is often lots and lots of flexibility and grace. Holding ourselves to rigid expectations is a surefire way to make enemies of ourselves in times of change. When we allow ourselves to lower the bar of our own expectations there is more room for celebrating the small accomplishments, giving ourselves a break, rest, etc. And these are the things that make transitions easier, not harder.

What changing your standards for yourself can look like:

Gentle, positive self talk: We did it, we made it through this day. / That was tiring, I’m going to allow myself to rest now. / Change is hard, I’m going to give myself some comfort now.

Letting go of some things on the to do list.

Focusing on 1-2 goal s or tasks per day vs. 20.

Taking breaks from hard things and then coming back to them.

Re-evaluating why you think/feel you “should” do something.

Ask yourself how you would respond if a friend were in the same situation as you with the same feelings.

Validate your feelings, just let them be. Let them be true and valid.

Stop comparing yourself to other people and what they are doing.

Celebrate the small things!

5.      Talk about it. Reach out!

We aren’t meant to do it alone all the time. Know when to ask for help. Know when to loop in a trusted person who can offer a listening ear, a sounding board, a comforting hug, or soothing words. Change is hard. When we go through change a large part of the process is re-orienting ourselves and making sense of what’s happening, sometimes again and again and again. This means, many of us need to hear ourselves out loud, talking about the same thing over and over and over again. Ever wonder why some people sound like a broken record after a breakup or a loss or a significant change happens in their life? It’s their brain’s way of trying to make sense of what just happened to them and their world. You might need this to! You might need a space to just hear yourself out. Friends, family, and therapy, along with safe online spaces can be great places to take up space and give yourself a chance to form your new narrative.

What reaching out can look like:

Asking a friend to listen without giving advice.

Asking someone if they are in a place where they can give you their full attention while you talk about something that is difficult for you to talk about.

Texting a friend.

Spending time with people who know you well.

Asking for hugs.

Letting others in on what you might be needing.

Being vulnerable and sharing how you’re truly feeling with others.

Asking for what you need directly.

Setting up regular get-togethers with different people in your social support network.

Reminding yourself you are not alone/don’t have to be alone.

Joining a therapy support groups with others experiencing similar struggles in transition: loss, grief, illness, COVID-19 support, depression, anxiety, etc.

Work with a therapist.

These lists of suggestions are not intended as more to-dos, more things to possibly fail at or not do for yourself. Instead, I encourage you to pick 1-2 items from the lists that speak to you that you are willing to experiment with and try out in your own life. Sometimes, less is more. Especially when we are already at full capacity in a shifting environment. Be intentional. Be kind. Be gentle. Be forgiving. And remember, this is new, you’ve never been here before, at this point in your life. We’re all trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got. You included.

Check out part 2 of this post here.