A Love Letter to Meditation (And Mythbusters)

Meditation is not about calming down.

It’s not about clearing your mind. It is not about disconnecting from the world. It is not about relaxing.

It is a practice of just BEING with whatever IS…right now.

Right now is a particularly difficult time to be with what is. Things are scary, overwhelming, downright traumatizing.

So meditation right now is about learning to be with the chaos, sit with the fear, breathe through the uncertainty. Not focusing on making it better or necessarily on feeling better but learning how to feel better. It’s a practice that supports you in learning to tolerate discomfort. It’s a practice of noticing distractions, stressful thoughts, tension in your body, and staying present despite it all.

THIS IS NOT EASY.

I have been meditating almost daily for about 5 years now, and daily for all of 2020. And let me tell you…it is still hard. I still get distracted. I still want to run away internally from discomfort. But you know what? When tension arises in a relationship, or when I get frustrated in traffic, or when a friend is feeling pain…I am way more able to stay present and respond in line with my values. I am less likely to pop off and yell at my husband. I’m less likely to flip the bird at the car tailgating me. I am wayyyy more able to remain calm and regulated when my friend is crying.

It also changes my relationship with myself. Because I meditation when I’m anxious, depressed, angry and fearful, I know what that feels like in my body. I am learning to recognize what those thoughts sound like, and the subtle precursors to emotional changes. This is helpful in preventing deep depressive episodes. It helps me recognize my anxiety earlier and take action to soothe myself. Meditation allows space to get curious about my internal experience, rather than judging, which lets me take more effective action when I need to take care of myself.

In short, meditation helps me get comfortably uncomfortable with pain and discomfort, so that I can sit with it without running away.

Meditation is legit one of the cornerstone skills of my well-being.

I’m not saying it’s the answer to everything, because it certainly isn’t. But it is in my top 5 list of skills to support mental health. (If you’re curious, the others are: exercise/movement, getting good sleep, getting enough nutrition, spending time with other humans.)

Because world events are so scary right now, I find myself valuing my meditation practice more. It’s supporting me in being able to stay present and within my window of tolerance (maybe just for a few more minutes a day) during this trauma.

Again, this isn’t about being calm. It’s about learning to sit with discomfort.

One of my favorite ways to practice this while meditation is with ITCHINESS.

My nose itches.

My back itches.

My head itches.

Don’t scratch. (I know.)

Watch the itch arise, intensify, and fall away. Sit with it and notice how you can actually tolerate how itchy it is. How it goes away. Or you get distracted by a thought and by the time you remember you were itchy, it’s gone, or somewhere else. Notice how things change.

This is how you operationalize “sitting with discomfort”. You find a way to practice. Meditation is a great field for this.

So I recorded a few meditations for you.

The first is a general mindfulness meditation. This can be done sitting, laying down, walking, moving. Eyes open or closed. Modify the practice as needed to suit you.

The second is a meditation to help you connect with your body. Again, modify as needed.

Click here to get these meditations!

I hope these can support you somehow during this time. Take care of yourself. I’m here with ya.

-Toni

Protecting Your Mental Health During Trauma

We are in the middle of a worldwide trauma.

COVID-19 is scary. It's a trauma we're all going through. (Not to mention all the other global traumas that are happening right now…)

I certainly don't want to amplify this fear...but I do want to acknowledge that reality is scary right now. It is downright traumatizing. Whether you name it as trauma for yourself or not. We are all impacted.

I see more "existential anxiety" showing up in my office. I'm spending more sessions talking about politics, climate change, & generalized FEAR. More of us are feeling unsafe & afraid.*

[*Much of this is not new to BIPOC, LGBTQ+ folx, & those in marginalized communities. That fear has been present for a long time, & it should have been named & changed a long-ass time ago. What I'm noticing, I think, is that those with privilege, myself included, are finally waking up to fear as well.]

Effects you may notice:
-overconsumption or avoidance of the news
-feeling unsafe in public
-trouble sleeping
-fear/dread about the future
-hopelessness
-suicidal thoughts
-rage
-distrust of other people
-helplessness

You are not alone.

Trauma leaves us feeling hopeless, powerless & overwhelmed.

Actions that might help:
-seeking safety & connection with those you love
-move your body, drink water, & try to get good sleep
-setting boundaries with the news
-having important conversations about the issues we're facing as a species
-BUILD COMMUNITY AND CONNECTION
-voting, donating, protesting, advocating, using your voice--whatever you can to do ACT about the issues you care about.

These actions help build hope and help you feel that you have some power (by focusing on what you can do to impact the future), as well as help regulate your nervous system. Not only are these ways that we can keep trauma from having massive lasting effects, they are also ways we can make the world a better, less scary place.

I don't have all (or really any) answers. I'm afraid, too, and trying to figure out how to navigate this. What I'm focusing on is staying connected to other people however I can; listening to fear &regulating my nervous system.

I am here with you. I don't know. How are you dealing with things?

4 Tips to Help You Stay Sane in a Scary World

Setting boundaries with the news is crucial. I can't tell you how many sessions I have a week about how stressful the world is, whether it's politics, climate change, COVID-19 or something else. Boundaries with information are necessary.

Two questions I lean on:

1) Do I already have this information? 

If no, then sure, keep reading. Gather information to get yourself informed. Track your level of anxious activation. The news will likely get you anxious, but notice the point at which you're not getting anything new out of it other than worry and fear. That's often the point you need to step away.

If yes, then do you need to gather more information? How is it serving me or those I care about to dig deeper? Maybe it does serve--you have a partner who is immunosuppressed and so you need more information about COVID-19, or you have an LGBT friend who will be directly impacted by policy decisions in the government. Yes, gather more information. Dig deeper, and again, track when your level of anxiety surpasses the point of the usefulness of the information.

2) Is this information I'm going to take action on? 

If no, then why are you gathering more? You might just be curious: cool. You might feel slightly soothed by having more data: great.

But, if you're reading the news and spinning yourself into worry: stop. Taking action on the information you take in is a great way to challenge worry. Donate to the cause. Vote. Talk to your friends about voting. Go wash your hands and figure out your workplace's policy about sick days. But after that...stop. Set some limits.

I understand that you feel you need to be informed. I know that you want to be a good citizen and neighbor. But sometimes, we become too fearful, too anxious and too worried to be able to take effective action. It's like worrying: it gives you a false sense of control. The more you read the more you feel in control. But constantly checking doesn't help. It actually can exacerbate worry. It gives you an instant dopamine hit...and then a flood of cortisol.

Two limits I and my clients have found helpful:

-set a certain number of times a day that you get to check the news (I only check twice--during breakfast and when I get home from work).

-set time limits (I only read for the amount of time I'm eating, and then for about 15 minutes at the end of the work day).

What have you found helpful to stay informed while also staying sane?