Connecting to Your Body

"How do you know what your body needs?? Sorry if that is a silly question."

I got asked this question recently, and needed to share that…This is not a silly question AT ALL. We are brought up to disconnect from our bodies. We are trained to ignore, silence or control our body's needs. Of course it's difficult to know what your body needs and how to give her that.

You're told to clear your plate, even though you're full.

You're told to dress a certain way, because your shoulders are "distracting" to the boys at school.

You're told to raise your hand in order to go oee.

You're told to stop crying.

You're told to sit still and be quiet, when you want to talk and move.

That's almost all of us. On top of that, you may have experienced trauma as a child and/or as an adult, and trauma-related survival reactions often lead to dissociation and disconnection from the body, furthering the disconnect.

I say all of this to remind you that connecting to your body can be extraordinarily difficult, and at times painful. We live in a society and many of us grew up in a family that does not value the information coming from your body, and sees her as another object to control and overcome. It's hard to listen for the needs of your body when you've been taught to ignore, silence or control them.

The process of reconnection is unlearning this training, and relearning how to be in connection with your whole self.

Questions to reconnect with your body's needs:

1) consistently (like, several times a day) ask yourself: "what am I feeling right now?" Look for emotions and body sensations.

—name what emotion(s) you're feeling. Check in with each part of your body (or start with one part if that feels more doable and safer): what sensations are in your feet? Legs? Low back? Chest? Upper back? Face? Check out this body sensations list. Name those sensations, which will help you connect emotional states to how they show up as sensation in your body, and will help lead to you what your body might need in that moment.

2) consistently (like, several times a day), as yourself: "what do I need right now?" Base your answers off of things like comfort, relieving pain, exploring stillness vs movement.

—Are you cold? grab a blanket and see what happens.

—Do you notice dryness in your mouth, or a grumbling in your belly? drink some water and/or eat a snack and notice how that changes things.

—Do you have some tension in your upper back? Get up and stretch or move a bit, and notice how that shifts the tension.

Take an experimental, curious attitude. Rather than "this sensation is horrible and uncomfortable", just notice "hmm, there's some tension in my shoulders, I wonder what happens if I move my arms around or change my posture."

Just noting the emotion, body sensations, and various actions that might shift your experience is part of how you begin to hone in on what your body needs and respond to those needs more consistently.

This takes time and practice. Please be patient and kind with yourself.

Why and How To Reconnect With Your Body

Why get in touch with your body?

What is the point of becoming embodied?

For those of us who tend to live in our heads and feel more comfortable in thinking, connecting with your body might feel pointless. For those of us who have a history of trauma and feel safer disconnected, connecting with your body might feel scary. For those of us who have been doing this disconnection for a long time, it might feel impossible (more on this tomorrow).

So why is it so important? Why are somatic therapies and connection to the body something you see on every other post these days?

It's because it helps (in short).

In long:

Becoming embodied allows deeper communication with yourself. It helps you align with your values, live with intention, and cultivate empathy for others. 

Your body is wise AF. It has data and information that you need to take care of yourself and be taken care of.

When you're disconnected from your body, it has to start screaming for you to pay attention and take care. But when you are more connected, more embodied, you can begin to hear the whispers.

You can hear the quiet conversation inside and respond so it doesn't escalate to screaming. You can get your needs met needs more effectively, because you hear them before they become desperate to get met. You can drink water when you're a little thirsty rather than chug when you're parched. You can soothe anxiety when it's just a trickle, before it becomes a flood of panic.

Meeting your needs builds trust in yourself. You show up for yourself, because you're listening to your whole self.

Not saying this is easy, or comes automatically. Just that it's important, and takes practice.

How do you practice this?

Are you struggling to reconnect with your body?

Do you ask "what am I feeling in my body" and come up with nothing?

You're not alone. This disconnection makes sense. Often, living in our heads and outside of our bodies helps create safety, especially if you have been through a trauma. It makes sense that you don't feel much when you try to sense what is there. You've been protecting yourself from what you might find. Two reminders: 1) You don't have to try this. 2) If you feel ready to, or feel safe enough to create more connection with your body but are struggling, you might try this:

-ask yourself, when/how did/does it serve you to live in your mind? Explore your relationship with your body and what protection the disconnection has given you. Rather than directly trying to feel what's happening in your body, maybe start with thinking about your relationship to your body to build a little more safety with the process.  

-break it down into smaller parts. Notice a specific part of your body rather than asking the question as a whole. "What do I feel in my right shoulder?" rather than "What sensation is in my body?" This can feel less overwhelming.

-create sensation to feel. Squeeze gently up and down your arm, and notice the change after you stop. Do a few jumping jacks, and notice what happens. Pet your dog, drink some water, put on a heating pad, hold an ice cube, and notice what sensations show up there.

Be kind to yourself as you do this. Know that it is a practice, and that connection will ebb and flow. If you begin to feel unsafe, move to something else.

What else helps you connect?

4 Tips to Help You Stay Sane in a Scary World

Setting boundaries with the news is crucial. I can't tell you how many sessions I have a week about how stressful the world is, whether it's politics, climate change, COVID-19 or something else. Boundaries with information are necessary.

Two questions I lean on:

1) Do I already have this information? 

If no, then sure, keep reading. Gather information to get yourself informed. Track your level of anxious activation. The news will likely get you anxious, but notice the point at which you're not getting anything new out of it other than worry and fear. That's often the point you need to step away.

If yes, then do you need to gather more information? How is it serving me or those I care about to dig deeper? Maybe it does serve--you have a partner who is immunosuppressed and so you need more information about COVID-19, or you have an LGBT friend who will be directly impacted by policy decisions in the government. Yes, gather more information. Dig deeper, and again, track when your level of anxiety surpasses the point of the usefulness of the information.

2) Is this information I'm going to take action on? 

If no, then why are you gathering more? You might just be curious: cool. You might feel slightly soothed by having more data: great.

But, if you're reading the news and spinning yourself into worry: stop. Taking action on the information you take in is a great way to challenge worry. Donate to the cause. Vote. Talk to your friends about voting. Go wash your hands and figure out your workplace's policy about sick days. But after that...stop. Set some limits.

I understand that you feel you need to be informed. I know that you want to be a good citizen and neighbor. But sometimes, we become too fearful, too anxious and too worried to be able to take effective action. It's like worrying: it gives you a false sense of control. The more you read the more you feel in control. But constantly checking doesn't help. It actually can exacerbate worry. It gives you an instant dopamine hit...and then a flood of cortisol.

Two limits I and my clients have found helpful:

-set a certain number of times a day that you get to check the news (I only check twice--during breakfast and when I get home from work).

-set time limits (I only read for the amount of time I'm eating, and then for about 15 minutes at the end of the work day).

What have you found helpful to stay informed while also staying sane?

5 Ways to Cultivate Self-Love

Self-love is a game-changer.⁠ Your life radically changes when you start to care for yourself the way you care for those around you. And love is a verb, it comes through actions. You cultivate self-love when you show up for yourself, consistently and with compassion. It takes practice.

What I’ve noticed over time, is that the belief “I am unloveable” begins to shift to a belief that “I am loveable” when people consistently treat themselves as if the latter is true, even when it doesn’t feel that way.

I don't buy the bullshit that says "no one will love you until you love yourself"...because it's just not true. You will still be loved even if you don't love yourself, but that love will be harder to accept and savor. You might find yourself pushing love away, fearing that people will leave you or “find you out”. When you practice loving yourself, you’re more able to be present with the love other people are showing you.

Self-love can come in a lot of forms, but these are five tried and true ways that I know help develop self-love:⁠

1) 🖤Stop judging others.

What you're judging in them is something you reject about yourself, or it's just plain mean and feeding into focusing on the negative about yourself. Stop judging others and notice how much easier it is to be kind to yourself and feel connected in any situation.⁠ This is a practice I adopted several years ago, and it made massive shifts in how I looked at other people and myself.

2) 🕵️‍♀️Observe your inner critic.

Notice the mean shit she's saying to you daily! Would you say that to your best friend? Are those shame-y thoughts helping you get anywhere? NO.⁠

3) 💥Challenge those statements with something that is true, kind AND useful.

Yes, all three. True (because maybe you did fuck that thing up), but how can you say it in a way that is KIND and USEFUL at the same time? Not "you're such a failure, you really messed that up", but instead "that didn't go well, you made a few mistakes, here's how you can do better next time/learn from this". Way kinder.⁠

4) ❓Ask, "what do I feel right now?"

Isn't this how we so often show people we care? We want to know how they're feeling and what's going on in their lives. Get curious about your own experience, without so much judgement. It's amazing what can change just through asking yourself "what do I feel right now?⁠

5) 🌮Ask "what do I really need?"...and give that to yourself!

This is another way we show that we care. We support our loved ones, we try to meet their (reasonable) needs, we do what we can to SHOW UP for them.⁠

How can you show up and show love for yourself today??

Want to show yourself love by giving yourself the gift of therapy? Click here to schedule your complimentary consultation.

The 10 Principles of Intuitive Eating

There is so much to say about Intuitive Eating, where do I even start?!  To me, Intuitive Eating is based on two ideas:

1.      Diets don’t work. (Voluntary starvation, aka dieting by restricting calories, and famine feel the same to our biology.)

2.      Our bodies have an innate wisdom and can regulate themselves, if only we will start to listen.

We live in a world over run by “diet culture”. That is: we are taught certain foods are “good” and should be eaten often (i.e. kale, celery juice) and other foods are “bad” and should never be eaten (i.e. donuts, fries). We are taught that our health outcomes rely MAINLY on our diets and exercise habits. We are taught that being fat is “bad” and we must diet to lose the weight. Oh, and if the diet doesn’t work and you don’t lose the weight? We are taught that there is something wrong with US, that we somehow failed.

Well, what if I told you all of this is just a pile of garbage?

What if it’s all a 60-billion-dollar industry created to make you feel crappy about yourself so you’ll give more money to them even though dieting fails 95% of the time but people are still being prescribed it by their well-meaning doctors who are also teaching that being fat will lead to inevitable death and you must avoid it at all costs and don’t eat the candy from the front desk on your way out because that will kill you also.

A HOT. STEAMING. PILE OF GARBAGE, MY FRIENDS.

Insert Intuitive Eating: A set of principles that have been researched and peer reviewed and created to help you heal your relationship with food. The days of banishing fast food, candy, and other “junk foods” are GONE, and the days of food freedom are HERE.

Intuitive Eating functions via 10 principles (read the book, Intuitive Eating (3rd edition or bust!) or check out their website for a more complete breakdown of each):

1.      Reject the Diet Mentality:

Break up with dieting and get angry at the lies you were fed. Accept that dieting doesn’t work and sets you up to fail. Remember that voluntary starvation (aka dieting) and famine feel the same to your cells.

2.      Honor Your Hunger:

If you are hungry, EAT. Doesn’t matter if it’s after 6:00pm or if all you have available to you is half of your kid’s lunchbox. Give your body the fuel it needs to keep going. Bonus points: Learn to identify what hunger feels like for you. Maybe the first sign is becoming tired, or a headache, or being grouchy.

3.      Make Peace with Food:

All food is good food. Give yourself permission to eat ANY food. Yes, even that deliciously, greasy thing that you’re scared will kill you. The more you tell yourself you can’t have something… the more you are going to want it! It’s typical scarcity mentality. Also, pay attention to what foods you “binge” on (or treat like you are eating the Last Supper) and consider that maybe these binges are caused by banning them in the first place.

4.      Challenge the Food Police:

Get rid of the belief that you are “good” for eating “healthy” foods and “bad” for eating cake. You are not what you eat. Our mental Food Police exist courtesy of diet culture, so don’t shame yourself for having these thoughts. Challenge them!

5.      Respect Your Fullness:

Listen to your body when it says it is not hungry anymore. Know what it feels like when you are full. Check in with yourself throughout a meal and ask yourself how you are feeling. And if you are full but the food is really good? Remember that you (most likely) have UNLIMITED access to this food! You can get more ice cream later! It is not the Last Supper, although if you’ve been on many diets, it may feel this way.

6.      Discover the Satisfaction Factor:

No food is going to taste as good as when it was off limits. That doesn’t mean food has to be boring from here on out! Eating can be a fun and satisfying experience.

7.      Honor Your Feelings Without Using Food:

It is ok if food is a coping skill, it just shouldn’t be the only one. Learn how to resolve your feelings without using food. Food will not fix your anxiety, boredom, loneliness, or anger. Only you can do that.

8.      Respect Your Body:

Accept your genes, whatever size they leave you at. We don’t shame people for their foot size, so why for their body size? Celebrate the diversity in body shape and don’t put expectations on yourself that are unrealistic. Get rid of anything that doesn’t fit your body for how it is NOW, even if it means restocking your entire wardrobe.

9.      Exercise – Feel the Difference:

Stop exercising with the goal of losing weight or compensating for calories. Focus on what it feels like to move your body, and choose movement that makes you happy. If you hate running, stop running! Start playing basketball, going for a swim, or something else you find fun. If you’re trying to make yourself do something you hate by shaming yourself with weight loss… psychologically speaking it probably won’t work.

10.  Honor Your Health:

You can use Gentle Nutrition and make food choices that honor your health and taste good! Some foods have more nutritious content than others, it’s true! However, I believe this is last for a reason: If you try to do this while still subscribing to “good” and “bad” foods and shaming yourself, you probably aren’t going to want any healthful foods. Or you will feel like you are forcing yourself. And if you’ve been dieting, chance are it will be a while before you’re craving a salad (if ever!). AND THAT’S OK. Remember, your body is smart and can regulate itself. After having so many burgers you will just feel… done. And move on to something else!

It’s a lot of info. In therapy we break it down little by little. We talk about your past with food, where your food rules came from, what foods are “good” and “bad” and fears of allowing all food into your diet. We talk a lot about identity and self-compassion. And most importantly: What your life would be like if food weren’t the biggest focus of your day. That’s a lottttt of time and mental energy that could be redirected into other things!

Still not convinced? That’s ok! You don’t need to come to therapy 100% convinced that Intuitive Eating is the answer. It’s completely normal to be hesitant. What I ask is this: You’ve already tried dieting and it hasn’t worked, so what’s stopping you from trying this?

Come see me and let’s talk.

Best,

Emily

(Intuitive Eating principles adapted from https://www.intuitiveeating.org/10-principles-of-intuitive-eating/)

(Studies on intuitive eating https://www.intuitiveeating.org/resources/studies/)

Curious and want to learn more? schedule your free consultation now!