If you missed part one of this post, head here to read it now!
6. It’s OK to not be OK.
The phrase “It’s OK to not be OK” is meant to normalize your experience, whatever the not okayness may be or may stem from. It is sad to me that we need these reminders, because the society we live in, in most of America, subscribes to this toxic positivity, good vibes only, put your best foot forward at all times, filtered social media persona… The messiness of our humanity is often experienced behind closed doors. And when that is the case, we often isolate ourselves further because of the lack of representation or the belief that no one else has moments like these, struggles like these. What I mean when I say it’s okay, is that it is NORMAL. It is part of the range of human experiences. Shit happens. Life happens. It is not a personal failing. You are not failing at life. When things become significantly distressing and cause bigger issues in our life, that’s a sign to address and work on some things, maybe with a therapist. Still, most of my sessions, despite the issue or diagnosis of the client, is about reminding people that what they are experiencing is valid, it makes sense, and it is a normal experience within the realm of human experiences. We often have to start there before we can get anywhere else.
What it’s OK to not be OK looks like:
Being sad.
Grieving.
Crying.
Hugging yourself.
Telling a friend how you’re truly doing.
Being vulnerable with your partner about your needs in the relationship.
Being messy.
Having a bad day.
Not feeling generous towards people.
Not wanting to say yes to things, people, events, invites…
Not wanting to smile.
Not forcing yourself to smile.
Taking a mental health/sick/self care day off from work.
Not liking yourself or how you look.
Feeling anxious
Feeling depressed.
7. Know when to take control and when to let go.
This is a common struggle I can highlight in my own life and the life of most of my clients: the struggle to know when to take control and when to just let a thing go. They are two very important skills. One, feeling empowered in your sense of agency and sense of self control in the world. Two, feeling the peace of knowing you’ve done all you can and it is now time to switch course, pivot, regroup, and proceed differently. The third skill is knowing how to discern when the situation calls for one or the other. So, how do you know when it’s time to take control and empower yourself to push through or to relinquish control and graciously surrender?
What taking control and letting go can look like:
Asking yourself:
What is my goal here?
Am I afraid of something happening if I let go of control?
What do I have the ability to impact in this situation?
What would accepting the situation do for me?
Realizing the limits of your own control.
Surrendering to the unknown mystery of life that cannot be controlled.
Move your body, which can help regulate your nervous system and the intensity of the situation.
8. Connect with yourself.
The world is raging around you. Sometimes, you have nowhere else to go but inward. I encourage you to make a home within yourself. A retreat. A place where you can rest, gain insight, sit with what is, explore a new place through visualization, imagination, reading, curiosity. Cultivate connection with yourself in a way that becomes your best resource when everything around you feels too much or too out of control. In order to do this, we often have to shine a light on all the shadowy corners of our selves we’d really rather not have to face. These are the most important places we can go in order to befriend ourselves. When we can engage the parts of ourselves we deem unworthy, shameful, or unacceptable with curiosity, compassion, and gentleness then we can learn to inhabit ourselves more fully. Embodied people learn to be grateful for their shadows, because they have much to teach us about ourselves.
What connecting with our selves can look like:
Being vulnerable.
Identifying areas where you carry shame.
Identifying parts of yourself you often reject or find intolerable in others.
Sitting with yourself in silence.
Bringing curiosity to your experiences and behaviors.
Validating your own feelings.
Offer yourself compassion, care, and kindness.
Imagine interacting with a younger version of yourself, what would you say or do for the is younger you, that maybe you needed then?
9. Remember your values.
When I feel adrift in session with a client, it’s usually because I don’t know what guides them, what matters to them, what they value most. Sometimes they aren’t even aware themselves! Values ground us and transcend us, they give our actions purpose and meaning. They make this existence matter. When we live into our values, we feel aligned and purposeful. We feel satisfied and fulfilled. When we walk away from our values, we often feel dissonance between the person we want to be and the person we are behaving like. The easiest way to close that gap is to 1) be aware of what your values are 2) Find small actionable steps that lead in the direction of your value. We can never “accomplish” a value. Living into a value is never done, it is something we continually must choose to step towards. No one lives into their values 100% of the time. Yet the more mindful we are about our choices lining up with our values, the more direction, purpose, and meaning we derive from life.
What remembering your values can look like:
Complete a “Values Sort Exercise” by reading through a list online and organizing the words that stand out to you most.
Investigate past positive experiences where you felt you had a strong sense of self, direction, satisfaction, fulfillment, purpose, or meaning and mine those experiences for clues as to what you might have been valuing or living into at those times.
Break down small, actionable, realistic steps for living into one of your identified values.
Offer yourself compassion for making mistakes or not living up to your goals/values.
Surround yourself with people who share similar values or inspire you to move towards your goals and values.
Be curious about your values, where they originate, how they feel to you, is there a socio-cultural narrative that impacts these values (positively or negatively)?
Make conscious choices about the things you choose to value and how you show you value them.
10. Prioritize what’s most important.
In times of transition, and in general, we only have so much energy. While it is a renewable resource, our energy is also limited per day. Our world is so full of distractions and non-stop media grabbing for our time and attention – also precious resources. We seek entertainment and distraction to soothe our overwhelmed and overstimulated nervous systems, thereby re-starting the whole cycle. Prioritizing what’s important is a skill that helps us cut through the static, narrow our focus, and direct our energy where it matters most. It takes conscious effort and mindful awareness to choose where our energy, time, and attention is invested. But that’s exactly what is happening, no matter what we are doing we are investing it somewhere. We invest it in entertainment and media, we invest it in work for money to live off of, we invest it in our relationships to maintain and enjoy them, we invest it in ourselves to learn and grow. Or you could say: Wherever you spend your time and energy, there your heart and treasure lie also. So be wise with where you allocate your most precious of resources. Ensure that you are investing in the things that truly matter to you, that truly are important.
What prioritizing what’s most important can look like:
Taking stock of your daily routine/agenda
Clarifying your needs and goals for a day/week.
Identifying what is important in your life and ways you show that to yourself and others
Being honest about areas in your life that are important yet have been neglected in terms of “investment” of your time, energy, and attention
Look for small, actionable steps for re-investing in neglected areas
Make a schedule/create a routine/set a reminder in order to continually and intentionally prioritize what’s important
Remember that these are only suggestions of things to possibly try, things that might help. Please trust yourself to navigate your needs in this time of transition. And when you feel like it’s too hard or you can’t do it much more on your own, please know that we at Riverbank Therapy would love to partner with you in your journey and come alongside to support you.