by Abby Lombardo, LMFT
When I think about the last several months, weeks, days, one word comes to mind: flux. Everything is in flux: the season, the weather (hello heat wave!), my moods, the mandates, navigating spaces old and new. We are (and have been) in a time of transition. While change naturally happens as an ongoing process in our lives, there are some moments that significantly stand out as being marked by capital c Change. So is this time.
We are coming out of a pandemic, of lockdowns, of fear and death on a massive and personal scale. We are coming out of threat mode, unsafe mode. And depending on your expectations of what that means, it can look a lot different! And it will look a lot different for everyone. It’s important to remember there is no one way, no right way to come out of this season. We all must go through it in our own ways, guided by the decisions and values we each hold dear. With this said, I’ve put together a smattering of ideas to help you find your way through this time or any time of transition. This is part 1, with 5 tips for a time of transition. Part 2 coming soon. Take what you want, leave what you don’t.
1. Grace
Sometimes the simplest yet most complicated act we can offer ourselves is some grace. We are experiencing a lot, something that only a few generations experience every so often throughout the course of recorded human history: a pandemic. This is new. Yes, it has been since last March… but you haven’t been here before, figuring out how to transition from pandemic to post-pandemic you, to a post-pandemic world. Ease up on yourself for having to get it right, do it the best, be the best version of yourself for everyone else, do all the (newly) socially acceptable things to do.
Grace can sound like:
Hey, I’m doing the best I can.
I don’t have answers right now, and that’s okay.
This is a lot.
These are tough decisions.
I am having a lot of feelings about this decision/etc.
I feel torn between what I want and what I need /or what I think I want or need.
This is hard.
This is new.
I don’t know how to navigate this.
Grace can look like:
Giving yourself a hug/asking for a hug.
Putting your hand on your chest/heart and saying one of the above statements.
A deep breath.
Letting go of what is not in your control.
Easing up on yourself regarding what is in your control.
Finding support in a friend/partner/person/therapist.
Letting your feelings just be.
Validating your feelings.
Doing a kind act towards yourself (i.e., self care).
2. Moments of Stillness
The world keeps on turning, lives keep moving forward, everything is changing. Sometimes, a helpful thing to do is to purposefully stand still. Creating moments of stillness in times of change can be a way to re-ground, re-orient and find your center before plunging through the unknowns before you. In our fast-paced culture of productivity and “time as money”, moments of stillness are rare and counter-cultural. I encourage you to leave behind the all or nothing approach and seek just a few moments/minutes of stillness in this season of transition.
What moments of stillness could look like:
Drinking tea while looking out a window/being outside or by an open window/door.
Reading quietly.
Muting your phone/notifications for a limited amount of time per day to focus on 1 thing.
Mindfully cooking a meal.
Listening to a song with all of your attention.
Meditation
Sitting with or petting an animal.
Silence
Visualizations of a safe, quiet, enjoyable space/place.
Stillness of your body for only a few moments.
A deep breath or many deep breaths
A guided meditation/breathing practice
Gentle yoga
Doing a task you normally do, but slooooooowly.
Take a mindful walk around noticing things with your 5 senses.
Put your feet in sand/grass/dirt/on the earth.
The idea is that the moment of stillness can be figurative/symbolic or literal. Experiment with some ideas and see what resonates most for you. Finding a few rituals that allows you to re-ground, re-connect, and re-center can be so important in times when we are being pulled in all different and new directions.
3. Basic Needs
In seasons of transition, it is easy to forget that we are humans: fragile, vulnerable humans in physical bodies that have very physical needs. Our minds and emotions can take us so far away from ourselves as we try to plan for the future, navigate unending challenges, or wade into the unknown. It is important to come back to the fact that we need sleep, food, water, and rest. (I purposefully separate sleep from rest because not all rest is sleep and sleep is not the only kind of rest we need.) Take a moment (or several) to see how you’ve been caring for yourself in terms of basic needs or even hygiene needs.
Sometimes these things feel very small and doable, we just forget to do them routinely throughout our day. Other times it feels like the most of gargantuan tasks, to care for ourselves. Wherever you’re at, you still have these needs. Drinking a glass of water can be a good start in a chain of other helpful behaviors that get you going in the direction you’d like to be headed towards during your day. Taking 5 seconds to stretch when you get up from your desk to go the bathroom can be a good start in the chain of helpful behaviors and rituals that reminds you to care for your body today.
The hardest part is often starting. Creating routines, rituals, and intentions is a great way to incorporate these needs into your day. Adding pleasure -- activities you enjoy or look forward to – in addition to these needs can be a good way to make it not feel like a burden or chore.
What caring for basic needs can look like:
Setting a sleep schedule with enough time to wind down and wake up.
Planning meals and chores for the week ahead of time.
Filling up a water bottle first thing in the morning.
Eating consistently throughout the day in a way that nourishes your body and gives you energy, focus, and enjoyment.
Checking in with yourself: What do I need right now?
Participating in a playful, relaxing, or pleasurable activity.
Stretching for 10 minutes at the beginning, middle, or end of day.
Taking a limited social media break to do something that is more actively caring for yourself.
Showering, brushing your teeth, washing your face, hydrating your skin/lips, etc.
Taking naps.
4. Change your standard of success and expectations of yourself.
This is all new. You are changing. Everything is changing around you. When this is the case, we must choose to adapt. And that especially means we must choose to adapt our own expectations of ourselves. Change has a way of making us beginners again; it throws us right back into the awkward stage of figuring things out all over again. When things are shifting this much, you cannot hold yourself to a standard of when things were different. (I mean you can, but it will most often lead to a mismatch of reality, which usually adds on some more pain.) Because really, what’s happening when we hold ourselves to an old standard, we are not actually adapting to what the moment of change calls for, which is often lots and lots of flexibility and grace. Holding ourselves to rigid expectations is a surefire way to make enemies of ourselves in times of change. When we allow ourselves to lower the bar of our own expectations there is more room for celebrating the small accomplishments, giving ourselves a break, rest, etc. And these are the things that make transitions easier, not harder.
What changing your standards for yourself can look like:
Gentle, positive self talk: We did it, we made it through this day. / That was tiring, I’m going to allow myself to rest now. / Change is hard, I’m going to give myself some comfort now.
Letting go of some things on the to do list.
Focusing on 1-2 goal s or tasks per day vs. 20.
Taking breaks from hard things and then coming back to them.
Re-evaluating why you think/feel you “should” do something.
Ask yourself how you would respond if a friend were in the same situation as you with the same feelings.
Validate your feelings, just let them be. Let them be true and valid.
Stop comparing yourself to other people and what they are doing.
Celebrate the small things!
5. Talk about it. Reach out!
We aren’t meant to do it alone all the time. Know when to ask for help. Know when to loop in a trusted person who can offer a listening ear, a sounding board, a comforting hug, or soothing words. Change is hard. When we go through change a large part of the process is re-orienting ourselves and making sense of what’s happening, sometimes again and again and again. This means, many of us need to hear ourselves out loud, talking about the same thing over and over and over again. Ever wonder why some people sound like a broken record after a breakup or a loss or a significant change happens in their life? It’s their brain’s way of trying to make sense of what just happened to them and their world. You might need this to! You might need a space to just hear yourself out. Friends, family, and therapy, along with safe online spaces can be great places to take up space and give yourself a chance to form your new narrative.
What reaching out can look like:
Asking a friend to listen without giving advice.
Asking someone if they are in a place where they can give you their full attention while you talk about something that is difficult for you to talk about.
Texting a friend.
Spending time with people who know you well.
Asking for hugs.
Letting others in on what you might be needing.
Being vulnerable and sharing how you’re truly feeling with others.
Asking for what you need directly.
Setting up regular get-togethers with different people in your social support network.
Reminding yourself you are not alone/don’t have to be alone.
Joining a therapy support groups with others experiencing similar struggles in transition: loss, grief, illness, COVID-19 support, depression, anxiety, etc.
Work with a therapist.
These lists of suggestions are not intended as more to-dos, more things to possibly fail at or not do for yourself. Instead, I encourage you to pick 1-2 items from the lists that speak to you that you are willing to experiment with and try out in your own life. Sometimes, less is more. Especially when we are already at full capacity in a shifting environment. Be intentional. Be kind. Be gentle. Be forgiving. And remember, this is new, you’ve never been here before, at this point in your life. We’re all trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got. You included.
Check out part 2 of this post here.
