5 Myths About Couples Therapy

by Sophie Foster, LMFTA

As a couples therapist, I hear it often from people who have never tried couples therapy: "Couples therapy won't do anything for my relationship" or "Couples therapy is a waste of time and money" or "We can never heal the pain from the past."

These statements are filled with hopelessness about their relationship. But I see them as rooted in fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, pain, unrealistic expectations of partner, myths, the inability to forgive yourself or your partner, or rooted in not wanting to begin a new start with your partner.

Going to couples therapy can be a scary step to take with your partner. Leaning into this uncomfortable process together can make you both stronger.

Here’s another blog post that might be helpful, on how to talk to your partner about starting couples therapy.

Couples may be avoiding therapy due to their own stigma or judgments surrounding couples therapy. My goal in this post is to shine light on common myths about couples therapy and in doing so bring clarity and hope in knowing that couples therapy can help and heal couples in a very approachable way.

Myth #1 You only go to couples therapy if you're about to split up

Reality: False. If you two are willing to put in the hard work in therapy and improve your relationship, then couples therapy will work. Couples therapy can be the space to become more self-aware, romantic, build trust, deepen your friendship, and strengthen your commitment to each other. Couples can learn how to show up for their partner better and acknowledge their faults; we all have them. Going to couples therapy doesn't mean you're ready to split up. It means you're ready to take a look at your relationship and do what it takes to make it work for the both of you, whatever the outcome of that may be.

 Myth #2 Couples who go to therapy shouldn't be together

Reality: False. This is not true. Just because you and your partner are seeking help doesn't mean you are not meant to be together. Therapy will have you see things that you don't want to about yourself and your partner. Going to therapy will allow you to learn new things about your partner and yourself. Seeking help is creating more space for you as an individual and couple to better love and support one another within your relationship. Going to therapy doesn't always have to lead to the couple parting ways. The couple can press the restart button and gain a new perspective within a therapeutic space. Couples go to therapy for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it's because they are on the brink of divorce or separation, but sometimes it's for premartial counseling to prepare for the next step in their relationship. Sometimes it's just to address something that is hard to talk about alone, and sometimes it's to improve on something that is already working well.

Myth #3 If I chose the right partner, we shouldn’t need professional help navigating our issues

Reality: False. Not true. Seeking professional help doesn't always mean you're not with the right person. Seeing a couples therapist allows you and your partner to work on the hard things that you may be avoiding or suppressing. Healthy partners are open to bettering the relationship and seeking the support and resources to do just that. Therapy is a place where you can both gain tools and skills to better your connection, communication, closeness, and physical and emotional intimacy.

Myth #4 Couples therapy will only make things worse

Reality: False. Not true at all. Couples therapy may be hard and challenging for people, but it won't necessarily make things worse things worse. It can unlock feelings, emotions, and memories that may be hard to confront, but this will allow acceptance and acknowledgement in your relationship for things already present when you find a therapist you can trust who also highlights your strengths and wins--and maybe uses some humor to lighten things up every now and then.

Myth #5 Happy couples don’t fight

Reality: False. Absolutely not true. Even the "happiest" of couples have their disagreements and don't always get along. I would say a happy couple is subjective because happy looks different for every couple. It may see like the "happy" couple may not even have conflict, but behind closed doors, everyone is navigating something with their partner. Having conflict or disagreements is not a bad thing. If anything, it'll strengthen your relationship and bring you two closer together because you're seeking to be heard, seen, and loved by your partner under the surface of the conflict being had.

The journey of couples therapy can help build a strong foundation in your relationship. I cannot say it will be an easier journey, but I can admit it will shine light on areas that can help bring more clarity and perspective.

If you and your partner are curious and open to take the next step and seeking professional help, here at Riverbank Therapy we offer 20 minute consultations with a couples therapist to see if they're a good fit. Click here to schedule your free 20 minute consultation to work with an in-person couples therapist in Seattle, or a virtual couples therapist for clients in Washington state. I encourage you to take the leap and see what couples therapy can offer you and your partner.

And if you’re looking for other resources, here are a few other blog posts we have that are worth a read:

7 Tips for Better Emotional Connection With Your Partner

3 Books I'm Reading as a Marriage and Family Therapist

5 Tips for Talking To Your Partner about Couples Therapy

Premarital and Pre-Commitment Counseling

Guided Visualization Meditation to Build a Sense of Safety

by Abby Birk, LMFT

Recently, many of my clients (and I) have desperately needed to revisit our regulation skills. Skills that bring us back to a sense of calm, ease, relaxation or restoration in our bodies. In today's world, this state of being can be elusive between the go-go-go pace of life and the incessant call to be more and more productive. The need for intentional mindfulness and somatic regulation keeps increasing as we fall more and more into the trap of "I just don't have the time" day after day.

Below, I've written out the script I use to walk my clients through a visual meditation called Safe Place, to cultivate safety and security in the here and now. Many have their own version of this skill; here is the one I utilize in my sessions. My hope is to demystify these types of skills and make them accessible for practical, everyday use. As you continue, I recommend reading through (or listening to) the entire script at least once before trying it on your own with your eyes closed or gaze lowered.

Listen to the audio below:

Or read the script here (and maybe record it for yourself, or have a loved one record it for you!):

Find a comfortable seated, reclined, or supine position. Whatever position you choose, make sure you are not holding any tension to support this position, rather lean into and feel the support of your chair, floor, or object you are resting on, in, or against. It's best for grounding purposes (if you are in a position that allows it) to rest the soles of your feet on the floor. Let yourself get weighty and heavy as you allow your body to rest fully supported. You may place your hands wherever you'd like, on your thighs, in your lap, or on your heart and chest.

Now draw your attention to your breath. Do not seek to change anything yet, first observe with gentle curiosity the quality of your breath, the parts of the body that move or don't move as you breathe, the speed or sound of your current breath cycle...

As you observe, you might notice your breath starting to change anyways, that's okay. You can soon begin to intentionally lengthen your inhales and exhales. For this visualization meditation, we want to focus on elongated our exhales more than our inhales to better turn on our vagus nerve and calming parasympathetic nervous system.

Take a few rounds of deep breaths with longer exhales.

Minds wander, that's what they do. Label your thoughts as "thoughts" or "thinking" and return back to an aspect of your breath that can provide a bit more focus: the quality, speed, depth, length, feel, temperature, movement, etc.

Now you will select a safe place that you can imagine or think about for the rest of this exercise. It can be real or imagined. A place you've been to or never visited. It can obey the laws of physics or not. Whatever place you choose, you are in control here, you decide what is in the scene and what is not: if there's anyone with you, the weather, the way you feel here. You are completely safe and at ease in this landscape of your choosing. Take a minute to select a place or try a few different images to see which serves you today.

You will then explore your safe place through your 5 senses, starting with sight.

As you imagine looking around in your safe place, what can you see? How far can you see into the distance? What living things are around? What colors? What's the weather like? What buildings or people or nature fill up your space, if any? What surrounds you, what do you sit or stand or lay on? Once you've taken time observing, take some deep breaths simply enjoying the sensations that arise just by being in this place and looking around you.

When you're ready to move along, we'll continue our exploration through our sense of touch. What textures make up your safe place? Is there sand running through your fingers? Water? Are you surrounded by cozy blankets or laying on a fuzzy rug? Petting an animal? There are no wrong answers. Take stock of what you can feel on your skin, temperature, breeze, weather, etc. Take a few deep breaths once you're done observing with your sense of touch to enjoy the sensations that arise from the textures of your safe place.

Next, imagine closing your eyes in this place, identifying all that you can smell. If there are no naturally derived smells in your safe space landscape, you can invent some: maybe pulling in some of your favorite smells from different parts of your life like perfume/cologne, essential oils, warm drinks, nature, candles, etc. Take a few more deep breaths enjoying how the sense of smell in this place interacts with your body to create more safety and relaxation.

Now, you can continue imagining your eyes closed as you pay attention to the sounds that exist in this safe place. Further ground yourself into this landscape by singling out various sounds around you. Maybe you prefer your safe place to be silent, that is okay too! Whatever you find, just give yourself time to experience it fully and pay attention to how your body reactions to what it can hear in this space.

Lastly, we will engage with your sense of taste in this space. Like smell, you may have to manufacture a taste in your safe space if one is not naturally derived. You may pull from favorite foods, flavors, crisp, clean autumn air or the taste of the air after rainfall. Let yourself enjoy, with a few deep breaths, whatever flavors show up in your safe place.

Integrating all 5 senses in this imagined location allows for further grounding and experiencing of this beautiful internal resource. It allows your brain to fully simulate what it is like to exist in that safe, secure, relaxed state.

Take a few more breath cycles allowing yourself to simply exist in this safe place, remembering to see how your body feels. You will end the meditation with a body scan -- checking in slowly from head to toe (as if you were going through a scanner) for any sensations, feelings, emotions, etc. that arise. Then, you can wiggle your toes, eyelashes, and fingers: opening your eyes to fully come out of the meditation.

Remember, you are the author and originator of your own safe place, which means you have access to this space whenever you need it. Come to ground, regulate, relax, or restore yourself anytime you'd like! Visit when you need and just because you can, even allowing yourself a visit once daily or weekly. The more often we practice skills like these, the better utilized they will be when we actually NEED them in a difficult moment. Your safe place can change however you'd like or remain the same, time after time; don't forget, there are no rules, no "right" or "wrong" way to do this exercise. The important part to keep in mind is that YOU have full agency and autonomy over your safe place. View this guide as an invitation of cues to further ground you in your own experience -- which is all you, baby! Allow this guide to remind you of your own internal resources that you can avail yourself of anytime you'd like. Enjoy!

If you’d like to meet with a therapist to build a safe place together, or to further process stress in your life, Riverbank Therapy has therapists with openings, in person and virtual! Click here to schedule your free 20 minute consultation.

5 Tips for Sharing Big Feelings

by Bobbi Smith, LICSWA

“Big Feelings” is my term for the feelings that aren’t fun to feel- sadness, grief, pain, worry, etc.  It’s true that joy, love, contentment, and other positive feelings are just as big, but it tends to be easier to share those with others.  We may worry that if we share something negative we will be a burden, ruin someone’s day, or make the feelings bigger.  But it’s important to talk about them.  It actually builds community and connection.  Other people have Big Feelings too and sharing them helps make relationships more authentic.

 Often, we can share our big feelings, but end up intellectualizing them instead of really feeling them.

“Intellectualizing” means turning feelings into thoughts, either to explain why they’re happening or to try to find a way out of them by turning them into a fully mental experience.  Intellectualizing can be helpful because it can help us think through conflict without blaming anyone or can help us understand ourselves and our experience more.  It becomes a problem when someone uses reason and logic to avoid uncomfortable emotions.

Here are 5 tools you can use to share your Big Feelings with those around you more effectively:

1)  Choose who to share with

This step will require discernment about who might be someone you can trust.  Here are some tips for how to identify a trustworthy person to talk to:

• They show interest in you by asking how you are doing or how your day was

• When you respond, they show they are listening by acknowledging what you shared or offer their own experience in kind

• They don't often share stories about other people

• They don't tell other people's big secrets without permission

• They talk about their role in a situation, not just other peoples

• They acknowledge their Big Feelings:  sadness, anger, grief, worry

• They don't say bad things about groups of people as a whole

• You have all ready talked about some other things, so you have an established relationship

For more information about how to tell who is trustworthy, please look into the BRAVING framework by Brene Brown.  It is really helpful!  

2) Take a sip of your Big Feeling

This is a concept called titration.  Titration means to slowly acknowledge little doses of the feeling instead of being overtaken by it.  Think of it like this:  Your feeling is inside a big pot.  The big pot represents everything there is to feel.  You are simply taking a spoon and slurping the taste (unless slurping is too rude).  That’s it.  You don’t have to jump in the pot, you don’t even have to eat a full bowl.  Start with one spoon and slowly sip.  We are wading into this pool- not jumping in.  

3) Lead with the feeling

This is the part where you confide in someone else.  This might have a quality of breaking the ice.  It might even have a quality of bringing up something taboo.  You might be going against the grain.  There’s some risk involved, but ultimately the prize is worth it.  Leading with the feeling means focusing on the feeling itself instead of the story you have about it or the meaning you’ve made of it.  This is the hard part.  Here are some tips for breaking the ice:  

• When someone asks you how you are, take a sigh before you reply- this will signal to the other person that you’re not doing well even before you use words.

• Use a familiar greeting: “I don’t know dude, I’m just feeling a lot of…”

• Be direct:  “To tell you the truth, I’m…”.  

Of course, you can give one or two sentences to provide context to the other person, but don’t get too lost in that.  Remember your spoon.  

If you’re unsure how to describe what you’re feeling, check out this blog on steps to feeling your feelings.

4) It’s okay to say “I don’t know what to do”

Intellectualizing can become so normative that it might be expected that you have a strategy to address the feeling you’re having even as you experience it.  How will you make it go away?  You don’t have to know yet.  You don’t have to have a sophisticated plan.  Just stay close to the feeling.  Experiment with different language to float the fact that you’re not trying to come up with a solution right now- you are titrating, not fixing.

5) Observe the conversation while it’s happening

Perhaps someone will respond with mutual recognition:  “Me too… I’ve been feeling the same thing.”  Perhaps not.  If they do, here’s a few things to pay attention to during the conversation:

• While you are sharing, keep returning to the pot with your spoon.

• Notice the words being used.  If you end up talking about theories or high level strategizing, or planning how if someone would act differently the feeling would go away, you are likely intellectualizing.

• Feel for deep and simple truths:  conversations that center on universal human experiences are often an indication that the conversation is anchored in the right place.  

• Notice the spoons they hand to you, and the contents of their pot, and respond in kind.  If you don’t know what to say, take a pause.  You can say:  “I’m so glad we’re talking about this.  It feels hard to talk about.”  “I really care about you, even if I can’t understand your experience.  I want to help.”

Conversations about feelings like this are vulnerable.  When you have shared your Big Feelings mutually and receptively with someone, there will be a natural shift in tone.  You might feel a bit tired from doing emotional work.  Also, the conversation might naturally change to humorous topics and become more spontaneous.  These are signs you have accessed your common humanity and might feel safer around each other.  

Lastly, if it doesn’t work, try again.

Any new strategy contains inherent risk.  There is a reason patterns become engrained.  It makes sense to avoid pain or rejection and risk.  If for whatever reason the person or people you open up to don’t respond or attempt to reform the ice, it’s okay to extend your spoon again.  They simply might not have noticed the first time.  

Try with another friend, a different group, or in a different situation.  Take a risk.  Without risk, there is no reward, and no growth.

Happy Ice Breaking!

If you’re interested in sharing and processing some Big Feelings in therapy, we have therapists with both in person (in Seattle) and virtual (across Washington state) openings here at Riverbank Therapy. Fill out our contact form here to get your free 20 minute consultation scheduled.

5 Tips for Talking To Your Partner about Couples Therapy

by Sophie Foster, LMFTA

Couples therapy can be helpful for couples to navigate their communication challenges, sex and intimacy issues, financial hardships, unhelpful relationship habits, and emotional disconnection. How to approach your partner about starting couples therapy may feel stressful and daunting. In this post, we'll share 5 tips on how to navigate this conversation with your partner.

#1 Ask Your Partner About Their Thoughts On Couples Therapy

This conversation takes lots of courage! The idea of individual therapy, couples, or family therapy may feel scary or overwhelming to many people, especially if they've never been to therapy before. There is a lot of stigma about therapy out in the world. There are also a lot of judgments about couples therapy itself.

Ask your partner, what is their view on therapy? Share with them what you think about couples therapy and how you think it could be helpful. Having an open and honest conversation together allows you both to share your thoughts and beliefs on therapy. Try to listen and identify any assumptions before challenging them and gently remind your partner about the reason behind your desire to attend couples therapy together, which is ultimately to better your relationship.

You may be avoiding the conversation with your partner because you're assuming they think couples therapy is stupid, or just for couples who want to split up (both are myths about couples therapy). Rather than making assumptions about what they think, ask them directly what their thoughts are on therapy and you can go from there. They might surprise you!

Approach the conversation with a statement like, "I feel nervous to bring this up to you because I care about our relationship and I worry you might take this the wrong way. I would like to discuss what you and I both think about the idea of couples therapy. I think writing down a pro's and con's list together could help us work better as a team and hear each other’s opinions better." Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. These are the tough conversations that will help you grow as a partner.

#2 Don’t Point Fingers (Avoid the Blame Game)

This tip helps set up the conversation for success. Avoiding blame can increase the likelihood that your partner is more open to couples therapy. Avoid going tit-for-tat, which is not helpful in general, and will not encourage your partner to go to couples therapy with you.  Take a few deep breaths and be gentle to yourself, and your partner. Using soft, gentle, and kind language while talking to your partner about your desire to attend couples therapy will create a safe place where defensiveness and criticism are decreased.  For example, if you are so upset with your partner and you don't think you can be gentle with them, I would ask to revisit the conversation when you both feel calmer and more able to be kind to each other, instead of using couples therapy as a threat or an ultimatum.

It is helpful to frame the conversation around what you want out of therapy as a team, and not what your partner "needs to fix." Approach the conversation by saying "I would really like to learn more about myself in this relationship through therapy and find better ways to support myself and you."

Try using "I" statements, such as "I am worried about how much we have been arguing and I feel like it would be helpful to seek professional help." This statement is specific, takes ownership, and avoids the blame and shame.

For example, how to bring up therapy when money is an issue, try using this statement with your partner, "I would really like to discuss our financial goals together, such as retirement plans, payoff debt, and home ownership. How do you feel about talking through this together with a therapist so we have someone objective to keep our conversations on track?"

Starting off with "I" statements shows that you are speaking about how you feel and not for your partner; ending with an open-ended question helps your partner have the space to share their perspective.

Try using this statement when infidelity has occurred: "I would really like to discuss going to couples therapy as an opportunity to rebuild us as a team and repair our relationship." Prepare yourself and your partner that you care about this relationship and are seeking to rebuild honesty and trust together. "I believe couples therapy can be a space to facilitate the hard conversations that I am struggling to have with you. I think therapy can provide us both with ways to better support each other."

Make sure to check in with yourself during these tough, emotional conversations. Your personal healing is a priority too.

#3 Listen Openly and Actively

As we all have been told at a young age, “put on your listening ears!” This conversation matters to you, and your partner may feel differently about the topic. Your partner may have a completely different perspective on couples therapy than you AND that is okay!  It's important to try to be curious about their experience and their thoughts.

Try to listen non-defensively, by asking yourself, what does it feel like in your body to when you feel defensive? What might my partner be feeling right now?

Noticing that and what is coming up for you and building empathy for your partner’s experience (even if you disagree with them) can help prevent and reduce the likelihood of defensiveness coming up. Take a few long deep breaths and check in with yourself about how you want to best show up in this conversation. Practicing this will help calm your brain and body down from reactions toward defensiveness.

#4 Consider Individual Therapy, too

Seeking individual therapy in addition to couples therapy can help you gain a different perspective, take accountability, and learn better skills and tools to help support yourself and your partner better. Even if you don’t go to couples therapy, individual therapy can be a useful space for you to process your feelings on your own, which can help you show up better in your relationship or the couples therapy process.

This space can help you break barriers, unhealthy patterns, and attachment wounds that are preventing you from progressing and growing with your partner. Individual therapy can be used to help you learn more about yourself and how to be a better partner. Working on yourself and putting in the time and effort towards your own healing journey, may help you feel more prepared for couples therapy.

#5 Discuss Next Steps

If you and your partner have come to an agreement about going to couples therapy, there may be other things preventing you both from attending. For example, you may have childcare needs to figure out or conflicting work schedules; in these cases, Telehealth may work better than in-person sessions. Taking the extra time to sort those areas out together, before seeking therapy can better prepare you both to prioritize couples therapy together.

Having a conversation together about specific qualities you're wanting within a therapist helps you both know what you are looking for in a therapist. Riverbank Therapy offers free 20-minute consultations that allow you to see if you would be a good fit with the couple therapist before committing to a session with them. This time can be used to ask any questions or concerns you and your partner may have towards couples therapy and clarify what you are looking for.

Dr. Sue Johnson, couples therapist, developer of Emotion-Focused Therapy, stated “Being the ‘best you can be’ is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.”

Check out Sue Johnsons books that help navigate relationships:

• Hold me Tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love  

• Love Sense: the revolutionary new science of romantic relationships 

You might also read other books to read together as a couple. Check out our blog post here on books recommended by another one of our couples therapists in Seattle:

Human connection is important and essential. We all crave and desire it. Strong relationships are valuable. Take your time while navigating what therapy means to you, having this conversation with your partner, and finding a couples therapist that works for you. I wish you the best in your healing journey with your partner!

If you’re in Washington state or the Seattle area, we have in person and virtual couples therapists with immediate openings. Click here to book a free 20 minute consultation now!

3 Books I'm Reading as a Marriage and Family Therapist

by Abby Birk, LMFT

1. Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

What it's about:

Written by the Relationship & Boundaries Expert herself, Nedra Glover Tawwab puts together a comprehensive primer on how to navigate various kinds of dysfunctional familial relationships. She takes the time to break down what boundaries, neglect, abuse, and resentment are and how they show up in relationships with people who are difficult to keep in our lives.

Who it's for:

This book is for you, the client! This is a great crash course in family therapy ideas as a way to get you started or help you move forward in your healing journey around difficult family dynamics. The language is straight-forward, well-laid out, and not too clinical.

How to use the information:

The illustrations and vignettes throughout the book demonstrate how dysfunctional patterns show up in many families, regardless of other factors. This helps normalize that those who have difficulty staying in relationship with their family members (parents, caregivers, siblings, extended family, etc.) are not alone or broken.

My favorite part of the book is the call to own your agency and let go of what you do not have control over. We all need the reminder that we cannot control other people or their reactions or their capacity for change. What we can control is if we choose to have them in our lives or not and how we go about doing so on our terms. Nedra often will just flat out say that some relationships are not worth the pain and suffering of crossed boundaries, failed expectations, and emotional chaos.

She also shows you how to move forward with those you do choose to keep in your life even if it costs you something. By teaching several important skills like acceptance, boundary setting AND enforcing, direct communication skills and how to use them in specific situations with certain family members, Nedra can build your confidence in how to continue navigating important but less than ideal relationships in your life.

2. Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life

by: Vanessa Marin, LMFT & Xander Marin

What it's about:

This book is about demystifying how to talk about sex in your romantic, intimate, and sexual relationships. Vanessa, a sex therapist, and her husband, Xander, break down "the talk" into 5 conversations that build well on each other, covering the basics of how to start talking about sex with a partner, how to offer feedback, how to initiate sex, and how to make specific asks of your partner. There's also a lot of normalizing and educational information about couples, sexuality, orgasm, arousal, and communication that is included throughout.

Who it's for:

You! And your partner or partners! The book is written in a very approachable, informative, and accessible voice so that you can read it solo or with a partner or read separately and then talk about it together with someone.

Therapists, too! As an LMFT myself, I knew a lot of this information, but having it all in one place with some amazing, hands-on, concrete exercises that I can introduce to couples in session or for homework makes this book super useful to therapists!

How to use the information:

In her many, many years working with couples as a sex therapist and their many, many polls of their massive Instagram audience, Vanessa and Xander realized that people were pretty bad about talking about sex within their relationships. They wanted to create a guidebook for how to get the most out of your sexual relationship by learning how to communicate about needs, wants, desires, and feedback so that people could receive the connection and pleasure so many are desperately seeking in their relationships.

I recommend reading this book with your partner(s) or reading it separately and then deciding on a time to discuss, if you or your partner(s) prefer to take time to process internally before discussing ideas externally. The book serves as a great catalyst for important conversations all while it serves to improve the skill, quality, and effectiveness of said conversations!

Therapists can use this as a resource for couples who are struggling with conversations around sex and need some brushing up on their communication or initiation skills. I also recommend using the exercises in session with couples or assigning them for homework to encourage couples to prioritize time to discuss sex, connection, and pleasure in their relationships.

3. Mating in Captivity

by:  Esther Perel

What it's about:

Perel, one of the world's leading couples therapists, puts together information about the changing landscape of romantic love and committed relationships. Modern love comes with new challenges and expectations than ever before, like getting most of your needs met by one person for the rest of your life whereas in a significant chunk of history, relationships served as business or economic transactions and romance/love were largely kept out of the marital union (which wasn't even expected to last too long considering the age expectancy was significantly low for much of human history). Taking all these shifts and changes into account, Perel provides anecdotes and case studies from her collective experience with a variety of diverse couples to highlight the needs of modern couples and how to make secure commitment last along with sexual desire and eroticism.

Who it's for:

This is for the modern couple, people in a committed relationship, people dating, people who are wondering if monogamy is for them, people who are monogamous who have not intentionally explored or addressed relationship expectations and how that shapes our satisfaction in our relationships. It's for those who want to learn more about relationships and the science and art of long-term erotic and committed love. It's for those who are asking how do I see my long-term partner with fresh eyes again? How do we get that spark back and why is it gone? How do we feel secure in our relationship and also sexy? Perel answers questions like these and more while teaching how we got here, considerations for relationships in the here and now, and how to tend eroticism in your relationship while enjoying the benefits of secure commitment.

How to use the information:

I use a lot of the information from this book in session with my couples. I draw from this book when I validate their frustrations, fears, and unfulfilled expectations. You can use this book to dispel common myths and set appropriate and healthy expectations of each other that lead to success instead of disappointment. Many couples face similar problems you are experiencing in your relationship(s) and are represented in this book to give you a new perspective on old issues, providing new paths forward. Perel suggests creating healthy space in the relationship that honors each person as an autonomous individual, that does not threaten the "WE" of the relationship but creates more sexual tension between the "YOU" and "ME". The idea is that eroticism thrives in the space between partners; and so, learning how to create and tend this space over time in our relationships is vital to our satisfaction within the relationship. This is why I consider Mating in Captivity required reading for today's couples and encourage you to pick it up.

There's always more to learn about relationships and how we relate to one another. Consider opening up these books with a curious to mind to see what information might support you and where you're at with your relationships. You may also use these books as a catalyst for conversations with your own individual or couples therapist. Enjoy!

We have therapists with openings here at Riverbank Therapy. Click here to connect with our intake coordinator and schedule your free 20 minute consultation!

Want to read more on this topic? Check our this blog on 7 Tips for Better Emotional Connection, or this one on pre-marital counseling!