5 Tips for Sharing Big Feelings

by Bobbi Smith, LICSWA

“Big Feelings” is my term for the feelings that aren’t fun to feel- sadness, grief, pain, worry, etc.  It’s true that joy, love, contentment, and other positive feelings are just as big, but it tends to be easier to share those with others.  We may worry that if we share something negative we will be a burden, ruin someone’s day, or make the feelings bigger.  But it’s important to talk about them.  It actually builds community and connection.  Other people have Big Feelings too and sharing them helps make relationships more authentic.

 Often, we can share our big feelings, but end up intellectualizing them instead of really feeling them.

“Intellectualizing” means turning feelings into thoughts, either to explain why they’re happening or to try to find a way out of them by turning them into a fully mental experience.  Intellectualizing can be helpful because it can help us think through conflict without blaming anyone or can help us understand ourselves and our experience more.  It becomes a problem when someone uses reason and logic to avoid uncomfortable emotions.

Here are 5 tools you can use to share your Big Feelings with those around you more effectively:

1)  Choose who to share with

This step will require discernment about who might be someone you can trust.  Here are some tips for how to identify a trustworthy person to talk to:

• They show interest in you by asking how you are doing or how your day was

• When you respond, they show they are listening by acknowledging what you shared or offer their own experience in kind

• They don't often share stories about other people

• They don't tell other people's big secrets without permission

• They talk about their role in a situation, not just other peoples

• They acknowledge their Big Feelings:  sadness, anger, grief, worry

• They don't say bad things about groups of people as a whole

• You have all ready talked about some other things, so you have an established relationship

For more information about how to tell who is trustworthy, please look into the BRAVING framework by Brene Brown.  It is really helpful!  

2) Take a sip of your Big Feeling

This is a concept called titration.  Titration means to slowly acknowledge little doses of the feeling instead of being overtaken by it.  Think of it like this:  Your feeling is inside a big pot.  The big pot represents everything there is to feel.  You are simply taking a spoon and slurping the taste (unless slurping is too rude).  That’s it.  You don’t have to jump in the pot, you don’t even have to eat a full bowl.  Start with one spoon and slowly sip.  We are wading into this pool- not jumping in.  

3) Lead with the feeling

This is the part where you confide in someone else.  This might have a quality of breaking the ice.  It might even have a quality of bringing up something taboo.  You might be going against the grain.  There’s some risk involved, but ultimately the prize is worth it.  Leading with the feeling means focusing on the feeling itself instead of the story you have about it or the meaning you’ve made of it.  This is the hard part.  Here are some tips for breaking the ice:  

• When someone asks you how you are, take a sigh before you reply- this will signal to the other person that you’re not doing well even before you use words.

• Use a familiar greeting: “I don’t know dude, I’m just feeling a lot of…”

• Be direct:  “To tell you the truth, I’m…”.  

Of course, you can give one or two sentences to provide context to the other person, but don’t get too lost in that.  Remember your spoon.  

If you’re unsure how to describe what you’re feeling, check out this blog on steps to feeling your feelings.

4) It’s okay to say “I don’t know what to do”

Intellectualizing can become so normative that it might be expected that you have a strategy to address the feeling you’re having even as you experience it.  How will you make it go away?  You don’t have to know yet.  You don’t have to have a sophisticated plan.  Just stay close to the feeling.  Experiment with different language to float the fact that you’re not trying to come up with a solution right now- you are titrating, not fixing.

5) Observe the conversation while it’s happening

Perhaps someone will respond with mutual recognition:  “Me too… I’ve been feeling the same thing.”  Perhaps not.  If they do, here’s a few things to pay attention to during the conversation:

• While you are sharing, keep returning to the pot with your spoon.

• Notice the words being used.  If you end up talking about theories or high level strategizing, or planning how if someone would act differently the feeling would go away, you are likely intellectualizing.

• Feel for deep and simple truths:  conversations that center on universal human experiences are often an indication that the conversation is anchored in the right place.  

• Notice the spoons they hand to you, and the contents of their pot, and respond in kind.  If you don’t know what to say, take a pause.  You can say:  “I’m so glad we’re talking about this.  It feels hard to talk about.”  “I really care about you, even if I can’t understand your experience.  I want to help.”

Conversations about feelings like this are vulnerable.  When you have shared your Big Feelings mutually and receptively with someone, there will be a natural shift in tone.  You might feel a bit tired from doing emotional work.  Also, the conversation might naturally change to humorous topics and become more spontaneous.  These are signs you have accessed your common humanity and might feel safer around each other.  

Lastly, if it doesn’t work, try again.

Any new strategy contains inherent risk.  There is a reason patterns become engrained.  It makes sense to avoid pain or rejection and risk.  If for whatever reason the person or people you open up to don’t respond or attempt to reform the ice, it’s okay to extend your spoon again.  They simply might not have noticed the first time.  

Try with another friend, a different group, or in a different situation.  Take a risk.  Without risk, there is no reward, and no growth.

Happy Ice Breaking!

If you’re interested in sharing and processing some Big Feelings in therapy, we have therapists with both in person (in Seattle) and virtual (across Washington state) openings here at Riverbank Therapy. Fill out our contact form here to get your free 20 minute consultation scheduled.

Embracing Your Villain Era

by Abby Birk, LMFT

My favorite trend gaining some notable notoriety amongst social media users is the call to embrace your "Villain Era". The "Villain Era" represents unleashing and embracing less acceptable parts of yourself that go against typical social messaging other or people pleasing. Full-heartedly supporting any movement to reclaim "socially unacceptable" parts of ourselves, I wrote this post so that you can make a plan for how to embrace your own parts that others have deemed villainous to their own oppressive agendas.

The movement calls into question exactly what we are villainizing. Selfishness? Clear expectations? Boundaries? These are all important ingredients for healthy relationships and wellbeing. Unfortunately, patriarchy, traditional gender norms, white supremacy, and racism have dictated what are favorable ways to act and be in society -- ways that perpetuate disempowerment of certain groups while perpetuating the power structures of other groups. This post serves to join the call to unleash your inner villain, all while questioning: is it really that villainous to take care of myself by setting boundaries??

This post is for those of you who find themselves falling into the trap of people pleasing and over-accommodating others at the expense of themselves. Allow yourself to explore what your villainous alter ego can offer and how you can use it to better your life with increased wellbeing.

People Pleasing & The Fawn Response

It's worth diving a bit into why we often revert to people pleasing as a way to navigate relationships and workplaces. People pleasing is a learned response to stress or activation that we often learn as children with our families of origin. We may learn to please as a survival mechanism to receive love, affection, connection -- striving to be "good children" and receive that all-coveted adult praise and attention.

As adults, we've learned that in stressful situations, we can "neutralize" the threat by befriending it or being pleasing to the threat (aka our boss, demanding co-worker, judgy friend, angry stranger, etc.). Many call this the "Fawn" response, an add-on to other well-known stress responses: Flight, Fight, & Freeze. At its core, it's not such a terrible strategy in the sense that it usually works to neutralize the threat and get us what we want in the end -- praise & attention vs. punishment & shame, and even survival vs. death or violence.

The catch with the Fawn response, is that if used chronically, it can cost us more than it's worth. Instead of addressing the stressor -- the toxic  boss, workplace, or friend, or relationship we need to leave--we learn to manage the stress by losing ourselves to please the stressor. This may work in the short-term, but in the long-term there can be increased levels of chronic stress, deteriorated mental health, increased anxiety, fatigue/exhaustion, or low sense of self-esteem and self-worth. When we consistently sacrifice our selves, our integrity, our internal knowing in order to simply survive, there are often negative consequences we must deal with, however unintended they might be.

How to Embrace Your Villain Era

If you are someone who struggles with people pleasing and "fawning" in the presence of others when stressed or activated, then the Villain Era is for you. While it might feel like an extreme departure from the way you're used to behaving in certain contexts, embracing attitudes and actions that larger society villainizes gives you a chance to play with some alternative behaviors that could open up possibilities for how to navigate some common situations.

Here are some signs that you are embracing your Villain Era:

• Setting AND enforcing boundaries

• Choosing yourself

• Honoring your limitations

• Prioritizing pleasure

• Taking instead of giving

• Walking away from what no longer serves you

• Speaking up for yourself

• Saying no

• Not taking on more just to be a "team player"

You might find all or most of these daunting in the sense of ... okay, well how do I do that? Or you might know these things are important and are already working on how to show up differently in your relationships. Wherever you find yourself on the spectrum, it's important to know that no one is perfectly good at all these things all of the time.

And--you don't have to do all of these things all of the time. For example, there are situations where it does make sense to say yes and be accommodating! In order to discern what action or choice is going to best serve you in each moment, we need to practice what doesn't come naturally so that we have options. 

Remember, there's always room to grow and learn and unlearn. There are many ways to incorporate these actions in your life. Here are a few suggestions for the most common contexts we find ourselves in: workplace, intimate relationships, and family relationships. Most of these suggestions come from my work with clients and the most common challenging situations they face.

Embracing Your "Villain Era" at Work

For you "fawners" out there, the villainous trait to lean into at work is saying "no." There are a variety of reasons saying no to your boss or co-worker or client/customer feels wrong (or may not even be possible). It is important to examine the reasons why "no" may not feel appropriate (or be appropriate) for any given situation.

Is it that your boss has been un-supportive of you in the past, is it that your workplace culture favors productivity and results over wellness of their employees and sustainable workload? Does it feel impossible because maybe you haven't really tried it before? The answer may impact how you respond and navigate the situation.

Often, at work in America, if you aren't taking care of you, no one else is going to. So you need to be the one to take stock of your own limitations, your mental and emotional energy and place boundaries around what you can and simply cannot do, taking a realistic approach. Taking on more work from a coworker in order to be seen as a "team player" might sound like a good idea at the moment, or you might even notice that people treat you differently when you say yes all the time, you might be more likely to be chosen for a promotion -- these are all reasons why we say yes and keep saying yes. But there are important reasons to say no, too. Protecting your humanness by protecting your mental health sometimes trumps wanting your desk-mate to like you.

I don't mean to simplify this challenge. Saying no at work is HARD because the workplace system is built so that saying no is not easy and so that we DO NOT prioritize our own wellbeing. By saying no sometimes to more work that isn't yours, a late work night, weekend work calls, mobile phone notifications, you are saying yes to something else : YOU, your needs, your time, your relationships, your hobbies, your activities, your peace, your rest, your humanness.

If this is something you would like to practice, I suggest finding a space where you're alone, thinking of a situation where you would like to say no and practicing the word "NO" out loud followed by some type of gesture (pushing away from your body, palms facing out, shaking your head from side to side, stomping your foot, or balling up your hands into fists). Giving ourselves permission to say no sometimes just takes practice.

Embracing Your "Villain Era" in your Partnerships:

Embracing the villain in your intimate partnerships can look like being selfish and taking/receiving. Something to practice if you are often the caregiver or over-functioner in the relationship is to assert your own needs and receive care from your partner(s) instead of resorting to your usual giving tendency. Now most relationships are flexible on which partner is giving or receiving over a variety of situations. I am talking about people who have the tendency to give first, who have difficulty letting go and receiving care for themselves, their body, their needs...whether those be emotional, physical, romantic, sexual or otherwise.

Play around with being the needy one, the selfish one. Be the one to ask for something you want or need. Try taking what your partner is offering you, instead of politely declining. Try asking directly for what you need, and letting your partner provide it. Hopefully, these suggestions inspire some of your own ideas on how you would like to show up embracing your villain for the purpose of challenging the limits and stories you put on yourself to not need or enjoy other people taking care of you.

Embracing Your "Villain Era" in Family Relationships:

Embracing boundary setting AND enforcing can be a powerful way to embrace your inner villain in family relationships. Here's what I mean by setting AND enforcing boundaries.

First, you must identify where you would like a boundary with a family member and why. This helps your conviction when communicating the boundary and commitment to enforcing the boundary whenever you face push-back. For example, several of my clients struggle with questions, topics, or comments made by various family members over the phone or during time spent together. Many of my clients start to notice feeling anger, resentment, discomfort, hurt, or irritation in response to their family members. These are important emotional responses to listen to, for they might be telling you exactly where a boundary needs to be placed. Boundaries feel villainous sometimes because of how we've been raised, typically our family of origin dynamics and the roles we play or have played in our family. But just because it feels wrong or bad, doesn't mean it is wrong or bad. Boundaries are a necessary ingredient for healthy, happy, secure, and safe relationships.

As Prentis Hemphill's definition of boundaries remind us: "boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." A lot of family members would verbally agree that that's exactly what they want with you, even if they're unhappy or uncomfortable with what that means or takes on their part.

Depending on the relational, structural, cultural, racial, or ethnic context of your family relationships, the factors influencing if, how, and where you enact boundaries may be extremely complex and take more time and consideration before setting or enforcing any type of boundary. If this is the case, it may be helpful to explore options relating to your specific situation with a therapist who shares identities with you or is culturally-competent enough to facilitate an exploration of ways for you to show up authentically and with care in your family system. Here is a lovely list of examples for verbal boundary setting related to changing topics or responding to questions you do not want to answer (credit: Amanda E. White: Therapy for Women @therapyforwomen):

• "I'm not comfortable talking about that. Let's switch to a different topic."

• "I understand why you're curious. It's just not something I want to discuss."

• "I would prefer not to answer that."

• "I'd prefer if you didn't bring that topic up again, unless I bring it up first."

• "I've told you that I'm not comfortable answering this/talking about this, please don't bring it up again."

• "It really negatively impacts me when you continue to ask me about this/talk about this after I've asked you not to."

• "Asking that question puts a lot of pressure on me. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but I would prefer not to answer that."

Now comes the enforcement. Boundaries are just talk, unless we are prepared to DO something when they are violated or crossed. Enforcing a boundary is about what YOU will do if the boundary is not honored. This is an important and sometimes tricky step.

• "I do not want to discuss this topic with you. So you can't bring it up or I'm going to yell at you..." is not usually the most constructive or helpful enforcement of a boundary.

• "I do not want to discuss this topic with you and if you continue to bring it up, I will need to take some space from our conversation...." can be a better way to enact self-agency and enforce boundaries.

Remember, enforcing boundaries is not meant as a punishment but a natural consequence for not honoring a boundary. It is about what YOU will do IF/WHEN this boundary is crossed. With time and maybe some help from others, you will learn to fine tune this skill across the various relationships in your life so that you can create safety and security with others while honoring yourself.

I hope this post just whets your appetite for all the myriad ways there are to lean into this alter ego of sorts, the parts of yourself that you've learned to exile, the parts you're afraid to let run the show. Practicing flexibility with yourself and how you show up at work or in relationships can promote beneficial outcomes for your physical health, mental health, and overall wellbeing.

The Riverbank therapists would love to support you and any work you would like to do around this or other related topics such as boundaries, family of origin, intimate relationships, sense of self, self-worth, asserting needs, self care, etc. We have therapists in-person in Seattle and who provide virtual therapy across the state of Washington. Click here to book a free consultation with one of our therapists today!

Good luck to all of you embracing your "Villain Era" out there!

Premarital and Pre-Commitment Counseling

By: Abby Lombardo, LMFT

What is Prepare/Enrich?

Prepare/Enrich is a program used with couples to improve the quality and satisfaction of their relationship via an evidence-supported assessment that allows for personalized feedback, discussion, and relationship skills training.  It serves well as Premarital & Pre-commitment Counseling, in addition to a relationship tune-up & check-in for couples at any stage in their relationship.

Who is it for?

The assessment customizes itself automatically based on the general demographic information provided by the couple at the time of taking the assessment. The assessment itself takes about 30-45 minutes, taken by each individual separately and costs $35. The assessment asks questions related to your attitudes and what you think your partner’s attitudes are towards roles, commitment, dynamics, conflict, family, spirituality, and personality in the context of your relationship. It is not a pass/fail type of test. Research-backed, the assessment gives a snapshot depiction of your relationship and its strengths and growth areas, which then become the content for our following sessions. We identify where you might require the help of some more tools or insight and practice right there in session the very skills you’ll use outside the therapy room.

Couples who can benefit from Prepare/Enrich include premarital couples, couples thinking about taking the next step in their relationship whether that is engagement, marriage, or neither. Couples in later stages of their relationship are also encouraged to try this program, as it can teach skills that are helpful for everyday fights and recurring struggles, and even stepfamily-specific issues.

It can be used as prevention and a tune-up for strong relationships or a honed-in detector for problematic areas in struggling relationships.

What will I get from it?

As a trained facilitator, I will walk you through your personalized feedback highlighting strengths and matching growth areas with skills and education. We meet for as many sessions as you would like to dive into the rich information provided by your answers to the assessment -- many couples choose to meet for 6-10 one-hour sessions.

We’ll have some fun as well as some honest, open dialogue that gets to the heart of your experience in your relationship--the good and the not so good.

You will leave our time together with a better understanding of yourselves not only as individuals but as a team, feeling more prepared to take on future challenges with the insight, knowledge, and skills acquired from our sessions.

Skills training addresses important skills such as assertiveness (how to effectively ask for what you need or want from your partner/relationship), conflict resolution (10 step formula to help you walk through disagreement), and stress management (how to address stressors as a couple). It makes sense then that taking the Prepare/Enrich assessment prior to marriage has been found to reduce your risk of divorce by 30%!

Every couple has patterns they must acknowledge, address, and work on together if they are to be successful in navigating this modern-day world with its many distractions and demands. The Prepare/Enrich program reminds us that relationships take work.

One more time, in case you missed that: Every relationship takes work.

The work can be hard, but also very rewarding. Not many people have had access to a “How To Have Successful Relationships” course that prepares them with the knowledge and skills they need to have satisfying, happy, healthy relationships throughout their lifespan. Consider the Prepare/Enrich program your personalized relationship course, specifically molded to your relationship’s unique needs.

It’s never too late to learn how to do relationship better or to learn the skills that can improve your connection and communication.

If you’re interested in benefitting from the Prepare/Enrich program, reach out to us on the contact page and request to work with Abby!

Source: Why Prepare-Enrich? Prepare-Enrich. Retrieved from: https://www.prepare-enrich.com/couples/why-prepare-enrich/

Marriage Therapist's Take On "Love Is Blind" Season 2

by: Abby Birk, LMFT

*Disclaimer: We have not met with these individuals or couples. We are not their therapists. We are not pathologizing or diagnosing. The purpose of this post is to explore common dynamics that show up in intimate relationships, in the hopes of providing helpful tools and strategies to build strong, happy, healthy relationships.

Couple: Shayne & Natalie

S2E5: "Leaving Paradise"  (32:29 - 36:09) - Expressing & Meeting Needs

At 33:55, Shayne covertly compliments Natalie by saying her dress looks sexy, though the context around the compliment is awkward (asking if she would wear that to meet his mom). Natalie then replies with humor to match a question that sounded ridiculous to her. You can see Shayne's demeanor totally changes, his face falls, his gaze lowers, and his body caves in on itself. Physical reactions like this can be a way to let our partners know when something is impacting us, if we're paying attention. This is a common defense mechanism: putting a piece of ourselves out there but with the protection of a funny comment or other distracting element. Natalie, of course, misses the subtext because of the awkwardly sandwiched compliment. We see this often happen in relationships- putting a feeler out there without being assertive or direct with your partner as a way to protect yourself from rejection or being missed by your partner.

It's a symptom of feeling insecure or vulnerable in saying how you really feel about someone. This is something that they struggled with throughout their relationship on the show. Then he asks "That's the person you love, right?" he is continuing to test her on if he is enough as he is, is he acceptable to her. She responds with a meek "Yeah." To which he responds in mock outrage, "Could you give me a little more love than that or no?" What he's really asking for is verbal assurance so that he can feel safe enough to go there emotionally with her and not get rejected and left heartbroken.

Natalie responds in a way where it seems she is expecting Shayne to be more confident in their relationship and not need verbal assurance or for her to "brag" about it to others. Unpacking this, we usually find narratives shaped by societal expectations and our families (i.e "men don't need reassurance" or specifically for certain POC communities, vulnerable reassurance communicated as verbal expression is not the most comfortable or typical way to communicate love, care, and respect.)

Shayne comments, "You gotta give our relationship a little more credit." I believe this is his way of asking for more softness from Natalie, more vulnerable statements about her true feelings about him and their relationship. In the conversation where Shayne reflects with Natalie on the lack of "good" things or affectionate language they share about their relationship: "How often do you say how good it is..? " Natalie responds, "Why do I have to?" He's not asking for what he needs, he's asking for her to change or be more like him...when there might be some cultural differences at play that make that less comfortable or less natural for her.

This would have been a good opportunity for Natalie to soften and really clarify what Shayne was noticing about their relationship and why it's important. DEFENSIVENESS IS A GREMLIN!! It's the vulnerable humanness in us trying to protect itself.

Usually, defensiveness shows up where we feel most vulnerable or insecure. And in light of the rest of the season, you can really come to understand Shayne's deep-seated fear of not being enough or not being accepted as he is. And this is why he's asking for reassurance, but he's not doing it in a direct and inviting way that allows Natalie to feel safe and open enough to listen and respond in a way that would increase emotional intimacy.

The conversation gets derailed quickly as they both get triggered into their defensive and protective postures.

Natalie's self-aware statement of "I'm just like shutting down during it right now." would have been a good time to stop the conversation, take a break, a few deep breaths, and to soften towards each other and lead with curiosity about their partner's needs, desires, and expectations.

If this feels right, adding in words of affirmation like: "This conversation is really hard, but I want to figure this out with you." "I love you and want you to feel heard."

And: "It's important to me that you can let me know what you need and we can find a way to support each other's needs without asking each other to change who we are."

In my work with heterosexual couples, asking a cisgender male-identified partner to compromise or change behavior can feel like a threat to their autonomy, sense of self, ego, and individuality. I'm often asking: Where's the line between healthy compromise, flexing to meet your partner's needs and losing sense of your own needs?

This is a difficult area for most couples I see in therapy, too. I think it's about normalizing that every couple has their differences that they need to manage, not solve. Like for this couple, maybe Natalie will never feel comfortable bragging openly about her private relationship, but she could assure Shayne with other types of affection, verbally or physically, to reassure him and make him aware of how she feels about him. They can create their own secret, shared language that communicates care and affection.

This could be a moment for Shayne to reassess his own needs and ask himself if he will feel fulfilled with a partner who has limitations in the area of verbal affection. Or, in the long run, he could acknowledge that what he's asking is challenging to Natalie and meet her efforts with appreciation. Compromise can be hard!

Both partners are still relatively new to each other and insecure and sussing each other out. That's where you can see a lot of these types of issues arise because you don't know how to ask for the reassurance and the vulnerability you're really seeking because you feel too vulnerable in even asking for it, for fear of not getting it. The "I'm done" comment from Shayne totally shatters the sense of we're in this together and really leaves each partner isolated and activated, which I'm sure, is not how this couple wanted the evening to end. Hopefully with our breakdown, you can see at which points the conversation derailed and what can be done differently to keep this type of important conversation on track.

Couple: Danielle & Nick

S2E6: "Back to Reality"  (32:08 - 36:00 ) - Anxiety & Insecurity

Danielle leads with a trap. Due to what appears to be negative past relationship experience and resulting anxious insecure attachment, Danielle is scared that Nick will leave her when he truly gets to know who he's going to marry. In an attempt to be open with Nick, she brings up her intrusive thoughts and how they makes her second guess Nick's commitment, basically overanalyzing his reaction to meeting her family. She then creates a trap for Nick because her assumptions are not based on how he says he feels, but are based on a fearful projection of how she interpreted the situation; therefore, there's no real opportunity for him to soothe her or convince her otherwise. In essence, she creates the very scenario she feared: Nick pulling away from her due to her flaws (i.e., anxiety).

Yikes! It seems like she was feeling extremely anxious about this interaction with her family and placed a lot of importance on the outcome of the day. But because he didn't express his emotion in the way that her self-constructed narrative told her he should have, it led her to believe that the day with her family wasn't as important to him as it was to her. Even when Nick responds that there were things that were troubling him, Danielle overlooks his own emotional needs or his even space to show up with differing emotions.

She jumped to conclusions that went from: you aren't expressing excitement in the way I want you to, and you are expressing negative emotions about something else, to: you aren't excited about how things went with my family, to: you don't love me "for the right reasons." This is an example of our assumptions getting in the way of truly emotionally connecting with our partners and creating space for all emotions, even contradictory ones that show up in the same day.

A helpful strategy for this moment: step back and listening in for when our own assumptions and storylines are not matching what our partners are attempting to explain. Helpful phrases look like "The story I made up in my head was this..." and leaving space for your partner to share their experience of the event as well. A response could be "Oh, I didn't know that's what you were going through or feeling in that moment, how can I better support you next time?" Ideally, both partners would engage with these helpful phrases at this point in the conversation.

I would start with validation. Nick did try to validate why this is so important to Danielle and reassure her. Danielle could have chosen to validate that Nick had other events and emotions outside of meeting her family. This would be a good time to say to each other: "This is important to you that I enjoy spending time with your family and I truly did enjoy them and I'm excited for what that means in the future." And Danielle could easily say, "I want to be there to support you when you're experiencing difficult feelings outside of the relationship." Conflict avoided. Instead the conversation devolves as both become triggered and activated into attack-and-defend mode. Leading to Danielle's "I can't do this anymore." The conversation did not need to end up in a place that felt threatening to their relationship, because the threat was due to anxiety, anxious thoughts, assumed expectations, and insecurity stemming from Danielle feeling extremely vulnerable and insecure about Nick choosing to marry her with her flaws and all. She created a self-fulfilling prophecy by letting her anxiety lead the conversation, pushing her partner away instead of pulling him closer and attuning to each other's emotional needs in the moment.

Interactions between couples are complicated. We miss cues for connection all the time because of past relationship experiences, our current emotional experience, or fears of the future. It's even worse when we unintentionally create conflict or derail productive conversations because of these reasons. Couples therapy can be a useful and supportive place to work through these stuck patterns, to catch each other's cues, and to build better communication strategies -- ultimately cultivating more safety and connection in the relationship.

10 Ways to Connect with Yourself

by Abby Lombardo, LMFT

1.     Write a “Where I’m From” poem.

What it is: The Where I’m From poems are part of the I Am From Project (for examples and more information: https://iamfromproject.com/poems-thru-8-2020/) connecting people to themselves and to each other through our personal stories and backgrounds. It is a type of prompted poem that incorporates aspect of your history, background, family, location, identities, memories, and feelings of your beginnings.

Why it works: Often times, we forget that stories are deeply connecting and help us make sense of our own existence. Humans are storytellers, brains respond well to stories. They give us a framework for our experiences and for things we do and do not quite understand. Working on a “Where I’m From” poem could help you connect to aspects of you that have gone unexamined, but that remain an integral part of who you are and how you see the world today.

2.     Create rituals and routines.

What it is: Just like stories, most brains and bodies respond well to rituals and routines. Maybe it is a morning routine, a way to make space for time that does not belong to anyone else or your job or your never-ending to-do list. Maybe it is an after-work routine, a way to unwind your body and mind. Maybe it is a bed time routine, a way to cue your mind when it is time to rest and get sleepy. Whatever and whenever it may be, a ritual or routine can be a great way to connect with yourself better.

Why it works: I once heard: wherever we spend time, we invest it. Wherever we give our time, one of our most valuable and limited resources, is where we are investing ourselves. Rituals and routines are powerful placeholders in our fast- and faster- paced lives because they cause us to invest time in what sustains us, give us moments of pause and intention, and create structure around what we truly value and need.

3.     Move.

What it is: When I use the term movement, I use it very intentionally. I’m purposefully not using the world “exercise”, though that does fall under the umbrella of “movement”. Movement is anything from neck and shoulder rolls, to yoga, to Pilates, to stretching, to shaking, to dancing and all and everything else that you can do with your body!

Why it works: Finding joyful movement, moves that feel good, create feel good feelings, etc. is one of the body’s natural ways to process emotional energy and boost mood! Some movement is challenging and sweat-inducing, some movement is calm and relaxing, whatever your body needs and wants go for it! Remember to have fun with it, stay within your body’s limitations, and that you do not have to move if you do not want to!

4.     Use your breath.

What it is: Your breath is most often the most accessible way to connect with yourself—it’s always there. Connecting to yourself through your breath can happen many different ways:

• simply noticing your breath as it is with no changes (the speed, depth, quality, sound, sensation, movement of body parts, temperature of the air, etc.)

• deepening your inhales and exhales (counting can help you slow down your breathing and keep your mind busy)

• adding a pause at the top or bottom of your breath (stopping when you’re full of air and stopping when your lungs are completely emptied. *not fully recommended for those who experience panic attacks or are triggered by holding their breaths.

Why it works: Your breath can tell you a lot about your current state of being. Is your system under stress? Are you scared…relaxed? Breathing is also a powerful tool in changing your current state of being. While breathing changes in response to your brain and body reacting to the environment or situation, it can also work in reverse – something called bidirectionality. Breathing signals your body and brain how to respond to the environment, too! By intentionally noticing and then deepening your breath, you are increasing awareness of your body’s response and are giving it a chance to change that response.

5.     Start a “Body Letters Series”.

What it is: When I was working in a higher-level of care eating disorder treatment center, we would have daily therapeutic groups for clients to learn (and unlearn) some things about their relationship to themselves along their recovery journey. One of the most powerful prompts we ever used around connecting people to their bodies is called “The Body Letters Series”. The prompt is this: write a letter to your Body. Then, have your Body write back. You can keep it going as long as you’d like, back and forth, back and forth.

Why it works: In dominant American culture, we are not taught to relate to our body as a being, instead it is a thing, object, project, toy, etc. When we change the way we relate to our body, we create so much more room for change within the relationship. And relationships include all types of feelings and thoughts: love, hate, ambivalence, grief… When we realize that our body has something to say, some wisdom to share with us, we are fundamentally changing how we relate to ourselves. The truth is our bodies have an ancient type of knowledge, one of instinct and intuition, of the intangible. This means that our bodies do not often speak in words, but in images, feelings, sensations, memories, pain, colors, temperature, movements, etc. Body Letters can be a start to allowing your Body the room to speak. Since words might be limited, then you might tweak the prompt and instead of writing a letter—you sit still and ask your body what it has to share with you. The more we do this, the better we can connect to this ancient somatic wisdom that is always with us, always a part of us.

6.     Validate yourself.

What it is: I’ve come across clients who were never given validation for their internal experience, who then never learned how to give themselves the validation they so desperately sought, that we all need. This is when I learned the importance of validation and the power of giving it to yourself.

How to validate: 1) acknowledge emotion/sensation/feeling/thought/whatever is part of your experience, 2) name or identify this experience (if you can, if not stay with it and go to next step) 3) say to yourself one or some of these phrases (or something like it):

• “It makes sense that I am experiencing this (because…)”

• “Wow, I’m having a hard time struggling with this.”

• “This is hard.”/ This is scary. / This is overwhelming./ This is ____.”

• “I’m experiencing a lot right now.”

Why it works: This 3-step validation process encourages us to acknowledge and accept our experience without trying to change it or berate ourselves for feeling it. This process allows space for self-compassion and self-kindness in the form of simple acceptance: This is what I’m feeling. This is ____. From here, we have more room to respond how we want to: with kindness, with comfort, with rest, with asking for help, etc. When we learn how to validate our own experience, we can become less desperate for others to meet that need for us and we get better at meeting it ourselves.

7.     Keep small promises to yourself & offer yourself what you need.

What it is: Connecting with yourself through keeping small promises or giving yourself what you need follows nicely after self-validation mentioned in #6. Keeping small promises to yourself builds self-trust. For example, maybe you know already that planning your meals helps you eat more consistently, then keeping the promise to meal plan is a way to take care of yourself and offer yourself what you need. Maybe you know that after you journal, you feel a release of emotion and you feel better, then keeping the promise to journal builds trust that you will do what you need when you need it. The possibilities are endless: going to bed at the time you set for yourself, giving yourself time to read or space out during your day, drinking enough water, it really doesn’t matter what it is as long as it is something you can reasonably offer yourself without getting caught up in the self-shame spiral of “I didn’t do it today”. Self-trust is also forgiving yourself and doing your best at the next opportunity.

Why it works: Your body, your psyche needs to know that you will listen and respond to its needs as they come to your attention. A lot of times we are not paying attention to our needs, physical or emotional or otherwise! Once we cultivate the awareness, we have the responsibility to ourselves to act in a way to meet these needs. If we don’t, bad things usually follow: somatic symptoms, pain, anxiety, depression, restlessness, illness, etc. etc. Needs can be small: drinking water, 3 meals a day, 20 minute naps or they can be abstract needs: purpose, direction, hope. The more practice we get at listening and following through with what we need, the more we connect to ourselves and the better we move through this world.

8.     Create a “Body Poem”.

What it is: Much like Body Letters, Body Poems are something I discovered in my own healing journey that allowed me to better connect to my body from a more body neutral capacity. Body Poems are poems, prose, or writings about each body part and what that body part has endured or how it functions to support you as a human being.

Why it works: Body Neutrality, the idea that we can relate to our bodies not for how they look or their shape or size but for what they can do, how they function, and how they support daily life. Body neutrality offers a different way to connect with ourselves, our bodies, that lies outside of the “you must love yourself and you are beautiful all the time and you should feel beautiful all the time because you are just the way you are” extreme body positivity culture. For some, that standard is just too far away and it creates shame and guilt in others. Body positivity is amazing! For some of us, body neutrality is also an amazing, hard-earned place to be at with ourselves. Body Poems allow us to really spend time with the separate parts of our bodies, diving into what they hold for us (memories, pain…) and what they do for us (breathe, lift, move, beat, embrace, rest, dance…).

9.     Try something new!

What it is: Could be anything! Try a new hobby, creative pursuit, a new outfit, a new game, a new skill, a new genre of book!

Why it works: Trying something new is a great way to discover parts of yourself you’ve not interacted with. When we face novel situations, we learn a lot about ourselves. We learn that we’re actually rather hard on ourselves and like to be too perfectionistic. We learn that we’re actually rather suited to embroidery or rock climbing. We learn how we fare through new challenges, hopefully earning a new sense of pride and confidence or learning to be okay with not being the best at everything.

10.  Go to therapy! :)

What it is: weekly, biweekly, monthly, etc. sessions with a mental health professional where you can work on challenges, practice new responses, create new insights, and acknowledge past dynamics. It’s a space to be heard, seen, understood, validated, and challenged.

Why it works: It’s the magic of therapy. It’s the deep healing that happens within a therapeutic relationship between two people willing to show up and see what happens. Therapy can be what you make it, and you only get out what you put in. Therapy is an excellent tool for connecting better with yourself and with others. If you’re thinking this might be the time for you to start therapy, click here to inquire about our team’s availability!

***Disclaimer: Some of these 10 ideas for connecting with yourself could connect you to some deep pain or trauma in working with your body or self in a new way. If this is the case, please stop or take it slow, know that you do not have to do this alone, and seek out help from a professional.