depression therapy

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Tips for Working with Guilt

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by: Abby Birk, LMFT

Guilt is an extremely common emotion that gets brought up in therapy sessions by almost everyone. When we feel guilty it can feel all-consuming. The thought spirals that accompany guilt can pin us down for quite a long time. We feel incapacitated by it. We feel beholden to it. We burden ourselves with it. I've decided to write this blog post about guilt, hoping to offer some alternative ways to work with guilt when it shows up for you.

What is guilt?

Guilt is a core emotion for most humans, meaning, we all have felt it at one time or another, across most cultures and nations. You might be wondering why we even have to have an emotion like guilt, what is it's purpose?! Why did it survive the millenia/million years of evolution?!

The theory is that guilt serves as an alarm for when we step away from our values or what is important to us. Meaning, that when we do something that violates our values, belief, or meaning system, guilt results. Guilt's alarm system can be helpful in many cases. Guilt moves us towards remorse which can lead to repair, reconciliation, connection (which evolutionarily meant a greater chance of surviving in a group with other humans). When we do something "bad" according to our beliefs, guilt tells us that we violated our own code and need to course correct and take a different path or action next time. And so the feedback loop continues, moving us closer and closer to a meaningful, aligned life where our actions line up with our values resulting in more satisfaction, purpose, fulfillment, and happiness. And who doesn't want more of that?!

Guilt is not shame. Guilt tells us when we've done something "bad" or "wrong" according to our values. Shame tells us "we are bad". See the difference? Guilt is behavior/action based. Shame is personal and character based. Guilt can be useful, at times. Shame sucks. Shame is an important emotion to learn how to manage so it does not rule your life and run the whole show, cause it will try to. But same with guilt, if we have a strong moral code filled with many "goods" and "bads" and "rights" and "wrongs" we are going to experience a lot of alarms (aka a lot of guilt). Sometimes guilt is helpful, sometimes it is not. While shame can be useful for the same reason guilt is: to help us recognize when we act out of alignment with ourselves and help us course correct and stay connected with others, it is most often not helpful due to it's tendency to attack our character and go for the most vulnerable parts of ourselves that easily believe we are no good, worthless, bad people. I won't be talking about shame today, but Brené Brown's work researching and healing shame is life-changing and worth a peek, if your interested in shame as a topic.

Helpful vs. Unhelpful Guilt

Just above, we identified there are two types of guilt: helpful vs. unhelpful. The first step to working with guilt is to discern which type you are feeling. How do you tell? Good question. Usually it requires checking in with yourself with these types of questions:

Did I intentionally choose to act in a way that violates a value that I hold?

Did I accidentally or mindlessly act in a way that somehow violates a value that I hold?

Did this action hurt someone (emotionally, physically, psychologically, etc.)?

Did this choice hurt me?

If someone else were to do this same action/behavior would I think it was hurtful or not okay?

Do I feel remorse, regret, or apologetic?

If you answered mostly yes to these questions, then you are most likely experiencing helpful guilt. If you answered mostly no to these questions, then you are most likely experiencing unhelpful guilt.

Do I feel this way because I am not living up to someone else's value or expectation of me?

Do I feel this way because someone else has an opinion about this that influences me and my view?

Do I feel like I am disappointing or upsetting others, but the choice/action/behavior itself is not inherently bad or wrong or hurtful?

If my friend or loved one were to make this choice/action/behavior, would I think they made a mistake?

Do I feel like this because I was taught this was bad/wrong but I don't truly believe this was bad/wrong?

If you answered mostly yes to these questions, then you are most likely experiencing unhelpful guilt. If you answered mostly no to these questions, then you are most likely experiencing helpful guilt.

After you have a better understanding of what type of guilt you are working with, you can then take steps to address it more effectively.

What To Do with Unhelpful Guilt

There are a few tricks to use when experiencing unhelpful guilt that I use with clients, who seem to get some relief from using them. First, challenge the reason for the guilt. Sometimes it is appropriate to challenge the belief, value, or assumption that your guilt is telling you that you violated or acted against - especially if it is unhelpful guilt, which means that you probably didn't do something that needs to be repaired or corrected or apologized for.

For example, if I decide to set a boundary with my mother-in-law when I visit their house, that I am going to stay in a hotel, to accommodate my need for alone time and more personal downtime and space while I'm with family over the holidays and my mother-in-law starts yelling at me that I am selfish and I am ruining the holidays for everyone, and my poor younger step-sibling is going to see less of me and I am bringing down the mood for the whole family by not agreeing to stay at their place -- then the guilt I might feel as a result of her reaction does not mean that setting the boundary or even the boundary I set was wrong or bad. It probably just means that my mother-in-law didn't like the boundary I set. Therefore, it is appropriate to challenge the assumptions leading to the guilt by reminding myself:

It is not bad or wrong to set appropriate boundaries that help me and others meet my needs better.

It is okay to feel upset after my mother-in-law responded like that, it does not mean I did something bad or caused her or others harm. Etc.

Not everyone is going to respond well to me when I set boundaries, doesn't mean I am responsible for their emotions.

Setting this boundary does not make me a bad daughter-in-law/step-sister/family member. Being a daughter-in-law/step-sister/family member is important to me and by setting this boundary I am able to show up more authentically and with more energy and care, which is how I want to show up in these roles and engage with others. This truly aligns more with my values than just doing what people expect of me.

Many value/belief systems and moral codes are taught to us by our caregivers, education institutions, religious institutions, and cultures. Some of these beliefs we grow to hold dear and integrate as our own as we become adults. A lot of these beliefs we grow out of and yet still carry with us and still live our lives by them. Sometimes this is a part of surviving our family or surroundings, sometimes it is not intentional. By challenging the value, teaching, or thought that is the reason underlying the guilt, we get more clarity on our own values and make more informed choices moving forward as to how to course correct in the future.

What To Do with Helpful Guilt

Helpful guilt is tough. Because it's there for a reason. It's a message meant to guide you in a better, different direction for the purpose of better alignment and fulfillment. When you experience guilt for a "good reason" or a reason that makes sense and is valid, then theses courses of action may be important: take accountability, repair if possible, seek connection, and then forgiveness (from yourself and/or others). This isn't a foolproof formula. Sometimes repair won't be possible, someone may not want to be in a relationship with you after you've behaved or acted in a way that has hurt them, sometimes forgiveness will not be forthcoming. What do you do then? Take care. Take care of yourself while you feel this difficult emotion. Just like sadness, regret, grief, or anger, guilt responds well to self-compassion.

When you are feeling a hard feeling, you can always be kind to yourself while you are feeling it. Feelings don't last forever (as sensations in your body). They come and go, ebb and flow, are stronger some days and don't come up in the same way for years, in some cases. Trust in the process of feeling your feelings through without plunging into the depths of shame, self-blame, or self-loathing. If that is your tendency, start with observational statements: I am feeling a lot of guilt because I believe I did something that hurt someone else or violated my value of not inciting harm to others. I am feeling a lot of shame and anger at myself. This is really hard.

And then, take care:

What do I need while I am feeling this emotion?

How can I punish myself less and take care of myself more through this difficult time?

What is a meaningful and appropriate way I can make amends/ seek out connection or support/forgive myself for being human?

What coping skills can I use in this moment to help manage the intensity of these feelings?

One Last Skill

In A Murder At The End of the World a murder-mystery multi-episode drama series streaming on Hulu at time of this writing, there's an incredible quote about guilt (I'll paraphrase here): "Guilt is a lot easier than the truth." I believe this quote means that most of the time it is easier to blame ourselves and lean into the guilt we are feeling rather than face reality as it is.

In the example used above, it could have been easy or familiar for me to give into my mother-in-law's guilt-inducing reaction to my boundary setting and blame myself for upsetting her and just agree to her demands, making myself uncomfortable for the rest of the visit and showing up less and less authentically. What is harder is stating reality: My mother-in-law reacts poorly when I set my own boundaries and try to care for my needs above other's needs. My mother-in-law's reaction is hurtful. My mother-in-law's response is more manipulative and controlling than it is concerned or caring.

I encourage my clients to face the hard truths of their situations and challenge the worn paths of self-blame, self-loathing, and self-denial. Hold space that it can be more than one thing happening at the same time. It's worth stating the truth and recognizing things are the way they are and that you feel some type of way about it (grief, anger, sadness, resentment) and guilt might just be "easier" or more familiar than feeling those other tough emotions and facing your reality head on.

In parting, I hope you take what you will and leave what you won't, so that you can have more clarity and feel empowered to respond to guilt in a more informed and useful way.  Good luck out there, don't forget to be kind to yourself!

If you want more individualized support for working with guilt, we have therapists with openings at Riverbank Therapy! Click here to schedule a free 20 minute consultation.

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What is somatic therapy?

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by Bobbi Smith, LICSWA

More and more, somatic therapy is being integrated into therapeutic techniques.  But what is somatic therapy?  And where does it come from?  In this blog entry I will attempt to give an overview of what somatic therapy means, and how to approach a therapist about integrating somatics if you are interested.  

 

As always, we start with context:  all the way back in the 1600’s (yes really) there was a French philosopher named Rene Descartes who was quite taken with examining the relationship between the human mind and body.  Since his work as a philosopher was pondering things, he began to think about the process of thinking itself, which he believed took place in the mind.  He theorized that the mind and body were separate organisms, and that the mind had dominion over the body.  This theory was known as Cartesian dualism, or sometimes mind-body dualism.  

Though there were always people that opposed Cartesian dualism, when what we now know as Western medicine began to form and institutionalize, it carried the legacy of Cartesian dualism with it.  Treatment of bodily ailments and treatment of mind ailments developed as distinct disciplines.  We don’t know if this is what Descartes intended, and can’t say for sure how he would react if he were alive to comment on it, but it unfolded this way anyway.

For generations, psychology has had the task of treating what western medicine firmly categorized as ailments that are located within the container of the mind, and therefore should be treated in that location, using the vehicle of thoughts to transfer a cure from the psychologist to the patient.  The most famous of these is “the talking cure” developed by Sigmund Freud.  In this approach, the psychologist would aggressively analyze the patients every word, which is 1. Deeply unethical and 2. Super annoying.

I’m getting to the somatic stuff, I promise.  

Let’s jump forward.  For decades now, some doctors, therapists and clients have questioned the utility of Cartesian dualism to truly address the complexity of mental and physical health conditions, and have been developing treatments that integrate both mind and body.  Soma means body.  Somatic therapy means incorporating some dimension of work with the body into treatment for ailments that used to be considered to be solely of the mind:  depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, and more.  

There are many traditions of what is called collectively somatic therapy- Sensorimotor Therapy, Somatic Attachment Therapy, Somatic Internal Family Systems, and more. There is no singular type that is agreed upon as the best approach.  Therapists that integrate somatic therapy into their practices are trained in and draw inspiration from traditions designed by many different healers, and that is a good thing.  Just like every other type of therapy, there is no one size fits all.  In addition, there are many, many traditional healing methods practiced across the world that include some type of body work, to which western somatic therapy traditions owe great honor.

 

The tradition I myself am mainly trained in is called Somatic Experiencing- I am not certified but simply studying it.  Somatic Experiencing was developed to treat PTSD, or what is now mostly called simply trauma.  The thesis behind Somatic Experiencing is that trauma can cause wear and tear on the autonomic nervous system, and so, trauma treatment should include the autonomic nervous system.  The autonomic nervous system is a component of the peripheral nervous system that regulates involuntary physiologic processes including heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, digestion, and sexual arousal. It contains three anatomically distinct divisions: sympathetic, parasympathetic, and enteric.  The autonomic nervous system lets us be relaxed, spontaneous, and socially engaged in a safe environment, or prepares us to fight, flee, or freeze in response to a threatening one.

 

Our human brains have evolved with add-ons to other species' brains, but we didn’t lose anything from them.  Basically, we have new apps but not a very different operating system.  As such, we have instincts to respond to harm or perceived harm in ways similar to other species.  Somatic Experiencing considers humans, aka homo sapiens, part of an evolutionary lineage that shares bodily features (such as an autonomic nervous system) and bodily instincts (such as fight, flight, or freeze) in common with other animal species that are evolutionarily older than us, and honors the innate intelligence of those similarities. In a threatening situation, animals either run to get away, fight off the threat, or if those don’t work, play dead (freeze) to appear unappetizing to a predator until it wanders away.

 

As animals, if an instinctual survival response sets off an alarm in our autonomic nervous system telling us to fight, flee, or freeze, it is important that that protective response is allowed to fully play out in service of its goal:  to get to safety.  If that response is prevented or constricted, the unresolved instinct can remain trapped in the nervous system as a chronic trauma response, or PTSD.  That can mean someone can feel trapped by the instinct to constantly fight, flee, or freeze, even if they aren’t in an unsafe situation anymore.  That is because even though our mind can cognitively register when a threatening situation is no longer happening, at the level of the organism (or body) there is no real proof of that, because all the nervous system knows is that it couldn’t do what it needed to in order to protect itself.  The nervous system doesn’t know time.

 

If that response were allowed to play out to its natural conclusion, our nervous system settles back into its baseline state, which is a proper flow in real time and proportional to what’s currently happening around us- not stuck in a chronic response.  We'll start in therapy by creating a safe container, building skills to cope with overwhelming emotions, thoughts, or body sensations. Then, when you're feeling ready, we may slowly approach your traumatic narrative, attending to body sensations along the way and supporting the discharge of trapped fight/flight/freeze energy.

 

One thing I love about Somatic Experiencing, and all types of somatic therapy, is that they acknowledge that human beings have evolved capacity for abstract thought, but otherwise are not fundamentally different from other animals per se.  Somatic therapy acknowledges the intelligence and healing instincts of other parts of our bodies besides just our minds.  Our bodies have instinctive reactions to what’s going on around us- and that means involving the body in therapy can have profound positive impacts on our sense of not only ourselves, but the world.  And who wouldn’t benefit from more wholeness and integration?

 

Most of our therapists at Riverbank incorporate somatic traditions into their treatment approaches. If you’d like to schedule a free 20 minute consultation with one of our therapists in-person in Seattle, or online for residents of Washington state, click here to fill out our contact form!

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Embracing Your Villain Era

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by Abby Birk, LMFT

My favorite trend gaining some notable notoriety amongst social media users is the call to embrace your "Villain Era". The "Villain Era" represents unleashing and embracing less acceptable parts of yourself that go against typical social messaging other or people pleasing. Full-heartedly supporting any movement to reclaim "socially unacceptable" parts of ourselves, I wrote this post so that you can make a plan for how to embrace your own parts that others have deemed villainous to their own oppressive agendas.

 

The movement calls into question exactly what we are villainizing. Selfishness? Clear expectations? Boundaries? These are all important ingredients for healthy relationships and wellbeing. Unfortunately, patriarchy, traditional gender norms, white supremacy, and racism have dictated what are favorable ways to act and be in society -- ways that perpetuate disempowerment of certain groups while perpetuating the power structures of other groups. This post serves to join the call to unleash your inner villain, all while questioning: is it really that villainous to take care of myself by setting boundaries??

 

This post is for those of you who find themselves falling into the trap of people pleasing and over-accommodating others at the expense of themselves. Allow yourself to explore what your villainous alter ego can offer and how you can use it to better your life with increased wellbeing.

 

People Pleasing & The Fawn Response

It's worth diving a bit into why we often revert to people pleasing as a way to navigate relationships and workplaces. People pleasing is a learned response to stress or activation that we often learn as children with our families of origin. We may learn to please as a survival mechanism to receive love, affection, connection -- striving to be "good children" and receive that all-coveted adult praise and attention.

 

As adults, we've learned that in stressful situations, we can "neutralize" the threat by befriending it or being pleasing to the threat (aka our boss, demanding co-worker, judgy friend, angry stranger, etc.). Many call this the "Fawn" response, an add-on to other well-known stress responses: Flight, Fight, & Freeze. At its core, it's not such a terrible strategy in the sense that it usually works to neutralize the threat and get us what we want in the end -- praise & attention vs. punishment & shame, and even survival vs. death or violence.

 

The catch with the Fawn response, is that if used chronically, it can cost us more than it's worth. Instead of addressing the stressor -- the toxic  boss, workplace, or friend, or relationship we need to leave--we learn to manage the stress by losing ourselves to please the stressor. This may work in the short-term, but in the long-term there can be increased levels of chronic stress, deteriorated mental health, increased anxiety, fatigue/exhaustion, or low sense of self-esteem and self-worth. When we consistently sacrifice our selves, our integrity, our internal knowing in order to simply survive, there are often negative consequences we must deal with, however unintended they might be.

 

How to Embrace Your Villain Era

If you are someone who struggles with people pleasing and "fawning" in the presence of others when stressed or activated, then the Villain Era is for you. While it might feel like an extreme departure from the way you're used to behaving in certain contexts, embracing attitudes and actions that larger society villainizes gives you a chance to play with some alternative behaviors that could open up possibilities for how to navigate some common situations.

 

Here are some signs that you are embracing your Villain Era:

  • Setting AND enforcing boundaries

  • Choosing yourself

  • Honoring your limitations

  • Prioritizing pleasure

  • Taking instead of giving

  • Walking away from what no longer serves you

  • Speaking up for yourself

  • Saying no

  • Not taking on more just to be a "team player"

 

You might find all or most of these daunting in the sense of ... okay, well how do I do that? Or you might know these things are important and are already working on how to show up differently in your relationships. Wherever you find yourself on the spectrum, it's important to know that no one is perfectly good at all these things all of the time.

And--you don't have to do all of these things all of the time. For example, there are situations where it does make sense to say yes and be accommodating! In order to discern what action or choice is going to best serve you in each moment, we need to practice what doesn't come naturally so that we have options. 

 

Remember, there's always room to grow and learn and unlearn. There are many ways to incorporate these actions in your life. Here are a few suggestions for the most common contexts we find ourselves in: workplace, intimate relationships, and family relationships. Most of these suggestions come from my work with clients and the most common challenging situations they face.

 

Embracing Your "Villain Era" at Work

For you "fawners" out there, the villainous trait to lean into at work is saying "no." There are a variety of reasons saying no to your boss or co-worker or client/customer feels wrong (or may not even be possible). It is important to examine the reasons why "no" may not feel appropriate (or be appropriate) for any given situation.

 

Is it that your boss has been un-supportive of you in the past, is it that your workplace culture favors productivity and results over wellness of their employees and sustainable workload? Does it feel impossible because maybe you haven't really tried it before? The answer may impact how you respond and navigate the situation.

 

Often, at work in America, if you aren't taking care of you, no one else is going to. So you need to be the one to take stock of your own limitations, your mental and emotional energy and place boundaries around what you can and simply cannot do, taking a realistic approach. Taking on more work from a coworker in order to be seen as a "team player" might sound like a good idea at the moment, or you might even notice that people treat you differently when you say yes all the time, you might be more likely to be chosen for a promotion -- these are all reasons why we say yes and keep saying yes. But there are important reasons to say no, too. Protecting your humanness by protecting your mental health sometimes trumps wanting your desk-mate to like you.

 

I don't mean to simplify this challenge. Saying no at work is HARD because the workplace system is built so that saying no is not easy and so that we DO NOT prioritize our own wellbeing. By saying no sometimes to more work that isn't yours, a late work night, weekend work calls, mobile phone notifications, you are saying yes to something else : YOU, your needs, your time, your relationships, your hobbies, your activities, your peace, your rest, your humanness.

 

If this is something you would like to practice, I suggest finding a space where you're alone, thinking of a situation where you would like to say no and practicing the word "NO" out loud followed by some type of gesture (pushing away from your body, palms facing out, shaking your head from side to side, stomping your foot, or balling up your hands into fists). Giving ourselves permission to say no sometimes just takes practice.

 

Embracing Your "Villain Era" in your Partnerships:

Embracing the villain in your intimate partnerships can look like being selfish and taking/receiving. Something to practice if you are often the caregiver or over-functioner in the relationship is to assert your own needs and receive care from your partner(s) instead of resorting to your usual giving tendency. Now most relationships are flexible on which partner is giving or receiving over a variety of situations. I am talking about people who have the tendency to give first, who have difficulty letting go and receiving care for themselves, their body, their needs...whether those be emotional, physical, romantic, sexual or otherwise.

Play around with being the needy one, the selfish one. Be the one to ask for something you want or need. Try taking what your partner is offering you, instead of politely declining. Try asking directly for what you need, and letting your partner provide it. Hopefully, these suggestions inspire some of your own ideas on how you would like to show up embracing your villain for the purpose of challenging the limits and stories you put on yourself to not need or enjoy other people taking care of you.

 

 

Embracing Your "Villain Era" in Family Relationships:

Embracing boundary setting AND enforcing can be a powerful way to embrace your inner villain in family relationships. Here's what I mean by setting AND enforcing boundaries.

First, you must identify where you would like a boundary with a family member and why. This helps your conviction when communicating the boundary and commitment to enforcing the boundary whenever you face push-back. For example, several of my clients struggle with questions, topics, or comments made by various family members over the phone or during time spent together. Many of my clients start to notice feeling anger, resentment, discomfort, hurt, or irritation in response to their family members. These are important emotional responses to listen to, for they might be telling you exactly where a boundary needs to be placed. Boundaries feel villainous sometimes because of how we've been raised, typically our family of origin dynamics and the roles we play or have played in our family. But just because it feels wrong or bad, doesn't mean it is wrong or bad. Boundaries are a necessary ingredient for healthy, happy, secure, and safe relationships.

 

As Prentis Hemphill's definition of boundaries remind us: "boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." A lot of family members would verbally agree that that's exactly what they want with you, even if they're unhappy or uncomfortable with what that means or takes on their part.

 

Depending on the relational, structural, cultural, racial, or ethnic context of your family relationships, the factors influencing if, how, and where you enact boundaries may be extremely complex and take more time and consideration before setting or enforcing any type of boundary. If this is the case, it may be helpful to explore options relating to your specific situation with a therapist who shares identities with you or is culturally-competent enough to facilitate an exploration of ways for you to show up authentically and with care in your family system. Here is a lovely list of examples for verbal boundary setting related to changing topics or responding to questions you do not want to answer (credit: Amanda E. White: Therapy for Women @therapyforwomen):

  • "I'm not comfortable talking about that. Let's switch to a different topic."

  • "I understand why you're curious. It's just not something I want to discuss."

  • "I would prefer not to answer that."

  • "I'd prefer if you didn't bring that topic up again, unless I bring it up first."

  • "I've told you that I'm not comfortable answering this/talking about this, please don't bring it up again."

  • "It really negatively impacts me when you continue to ask me about this/talk about this after I've asked you not to."

  • "Asking that question puts a lot of pressure on me. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but I would prefer not to answer that."

 

Now comes the enforcement. Boundaries are just talk, unless we are prepared to DO something when they are violated or crossed. Enforcing a boundary is about what YOU will do if the boundary is not honored. This is an important and sometimes tricky step.

  • "I do not want to discuss this topic with you. So you can't bring it up or I'm going to yell at you..." is not usually the most constructive or helpful enforcement of a boundary.

  • "I do not want to discuss this topic with you and if you continue to bring it up, I will need to take some space from our conversation...." can be a better way to enact self-agency and enforce boundaries.

 

Remember, enforcing boundaries is not meant as a punishment but a natural consequence for not honoring a boundary. It is about what YOU will do IF/WHEN this boundary is crossed. With time and maybe some help from others, you will learn to fine tune this skill across the various relationships in your life so that you can create safety and security with others while honoring yourself.

 

I hope this post just whets your appetite for all the myriad ways there are to lean into this alter ego of sorts, the parts of yourself that you've learned to exile, the parts you're afraid to let run the show. Practicing flexibility with yourself and how you show up at work or in relationships can promote beneficial outcomes for your physical health, mental health, and overall wellbeing.

 

The Riverbank therapists would love to support you and any work you would like to do around this or other related topics such as boundaries, family of origin, intimate relationships, sense of self, self-worth, asserting needs, self care, etc. We have therapists in-person in Seattle and who provide virtual therapy across the state of Washington. Click here to book a free consultation with one of our therapists today!

 

Good luck to all of you embracing your "Villain Era" out there!

Your Nervous System and the Window of Tolerance

The nervous system is composed of the brain, spinal cord, and nerves that go throughout the body. The nervous system is the command center of the body, responsible for our thoughts, movements, and automatic processes such as breathing and digestion. Importantly, the nervous system is also responsible for our experience of emotion. Understanding your nervous system can help you become more aware of your emotions and how you can manage them without becoming overwhelmed.

Let’s start with a brief overview of the brain using this handy model created by Dr. Dan Siegel and based on the triune brain model by Paul McLean. It can be helpful to familiarize yourself with three major parts of the brain: (1) the brainstem (responsible for basic survival functions like breathing and heart rate); (2) the limbic system (the emotional center of the brain, responsible for our fight/flight/freeze response) and (3) the cortex (the “thinking and reasoning” part of our brain, responsible for managing big emotions, connecting with others, and helping us make thoughtful decisions).

hand model of the brain, triune brain

(Image from Kerra-Lee Wescombe, 2021)

When all three parts of the brain are working together, we feel safe and connected to others. This is the optimal zone of nervous system arousal, known as our window of tolerance, or our social engagement system.

 

 

                                                     



 

Window of Tolerance

Window of Tolerance, a term coined by Dr. Siegel, refers to the zone of nervous system arousal in which we are able to function and engage with other people most effectively. In this zone, our brain can process stimuli without becoming overwhelmed. This means the thinking part of our brain, the cortex, is online and helping us keep our nervous system (and emotions) regulated. This state is associated with our parasympathetic nervous system and is also known as the “rest and digest” state.

window of tolerance

(Image adapted from NICABM, 2019)

When we are within our window of tolerance and difficulties arise in our day, we are able to handle them without our nervous system becoming dysregulated. This means that we can manage our emotions without getting overwhelmed.

Within this zone, we feel safe and socially connected. We are grounded, open, curious, flexible, and able to take on challenges. We feel calm but not exhausted, energized but not anxious. When emotions like frustration or sadness take us closer to the edge of our window, our thinking brain is able to use strategies to keep our nervous system regulated so we can stay within our window. This diagram shows how our nervous system ebbs and flows when we are within our window and our brain is able to regulate our emotions:

window of tolerance

          (Image adapted from Levine, Ogden, Siegel)

 Sometimes, however, we can get thrown out of our window of tolerance when our limbic system sends our thinking brain offline. This happens when it senses danger and sends our nervous system into an automatic fight, flight, freeze, or collapse response. This state is associated with our sympathetic nervous system.

Fight/Flight/Freeze/Collapse

Our limbic system contains the part of our brain responsible for sensing threat and protecting us from danger. It can make split-second decisions to keep us safe, whereas our thinking brain wouldn’t be able to respond as efficiently to danger. Therefore, when our limbic system senses danger, it can turn our thinking brain offline and trigger our fight/flight/freeze/collapse response, moving us outside our window of tolerance in its attempt to keep us safe.

When we are in this state, our nervous system is over-activated, or hyperaroused. Our body is alert and ready to fight or flee danger—or it may freeze to avoid danger. Our breathing and heart rate quicken, our hearing becomes sharper, our skin sweats, our muscles tense, and our pupils dilate. Here we can feel anxious, panicked, angry, or out of control.

In the collapse response, on the other hand, our nervous system is under-activated, or hypoaroused. Our heart rate drops, our breathing slows (we may even hold our breath), and we feel immobilized. It can be easy to confuse the freeze and collapse responses, so it may be helpful to imagine you are playing a high stakes game of hide and seek. The seeker is right outside your hiding place. You are tense, alert, hyperaroused because you know they might find you: this is freeze. Suddenly, they lock eyes with you, and you’re defeated, hopelessness: this is collapse. In collapse, we can experience exhaustion, numbness, dissociation, depression, shame, and hopelessness.

window of tolerance, somatic therapy seattle

(Image from Mind My Peelings, 2019)

The fight/flight/freeze response evolved over ages to keep you safe and alive. It was very useful in our early hunting and gathering days when we encountered regular threats to our survival, like dangerous wild animals. And it is still useful when you are faced with real threats to your safety, like when you have to slam on your brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of you. In this case, you want to be dysregulated so you can respond effectively: You don't want to be in your window all the time.

However, our fight/flight/ freeze response is also frequently triggered by non-life-threatening occurrences, like a first date, a bad grade, a deadline, an argument, or a visit from your in-laws. While these are stressful events that can result in ebbs and flows in your nervous system and move you toward the edges of your window, sometimes our nervous system responds as if these events are life-threatening, sending us outside our window into fight/flight/freeze.

fight or flight response, trauma therapy seattle

Why do I react so strongly to stress?  Your window of tolerance can narrow and widen based on a number of factors, even throughout the day. If you have experienced trauma or you are going through a stressful time, your window can become very narrow. When your window is narrow, your nervous system is even more attuned to potential dangers, triggering your fight/flight/freeze response more often and for even smaller “threats.” This means your limbic system may sense danger when there is none. Unfortunately, by trying so hard to protect you, your limbic system is unintentionally sending your nervous system on a roller coaster ride that can keep you from experiencing safety and connection.

Expanding your window

How can you expand your window of tolerance? An important step in expanding your window is getting to know your nervous system a little better (you’re already doing this!) and starting to notice what it feels like both when you are within your window and when you are outside your window. You can start to notice what your body feels like when you are calm and connected—and what your body feels like when your emotions are dysregulated. You can start to take note of the types of triggers and situations that your limbic system labels as dangerous.

An equally important step is taking care of your body’s most basic needs like sleep, healthy food, and exercise. Even factors like feeling tired or hungry can narrow your window. Do you tend to snap at others more easily when you’re hungry for dinner? That’s because when your body is running low on something it needs for survival, your window can shrink. Anything that puts your body on high alert-–like physical or emotional pain, perfectionism, self-criticism, and disconnection-–can be a force that narrows your window.

Learning strategies for managing stress and finding ways to connect with other people are also ways to expand your window. Additionally, mindfulness and self-compassion are practices that can make your window bigger over time. Working with a mental health professional to process trauma and difficulties can also help you expand your window and get back to feeling safe and connected.

Coming back into your window

How can you come back into your window once you’ve gone outside? When your limbic system has sent your thinking brain offline and you are outside of your window of tolerance, there are many things you can do. As a general rule of thumb, if you are in fight/flight/freeze mode (hyperarousal), you may need to release energy and then sooth. If you are in collapse mode (hypoarousal), you may need to add energy to your system.

To release energy and then decrease arousal from fight/flight/freeze: First, you might try releasing the energy. Dance, go for a walk, run up and down the stairs, shake your body all around. Then, find something soothing. This might include: deep belly breathing (with exhales longer than inhales), laying on the ground, using a weighted blanket, drinking tea, listening to soothing music, making comforting food, stretching your body, giving yourself a hug, meditating, practicing yoga, or engaging in the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise (find 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste).

To increase arousal from collapse: Try out some physical activity like dancing, walking, or even just simply sitting up straight or standing and feeling your feet on the ground. You can also try listening to energizing music, rubbing your arms and legs, or stomping your feet on the ground.

Additional ways to regulate include taking a cold shower or dunking your face in ice water, journaling, doing something creative like drawing or playing an instrument, and increasing your emotional vocabulary (get out that emotion wheel and put a name to what you are feeling!).

Co-Regulation: All of the above tools are focused on what we call self-regulation (tools that you can use on your own). However, co-regulation (tools that are used with others) can be just as important for coming back into your window (as well as widening it). This might look like asking for a hug, petting your dog or your cat, or calling a friend. The people in our lives we feel safe with are one of our greatest resources when it comes to reducing stress, so reaching out for support is a great way to come back into your window of tolerance.

Therapy: If you’d like to explore these topics more specifically, and with a therapist trained to bring the nervous system into trauma therapy, we have therapists with openings for new clients in Seattle who are offering both in-person and virtual sessions. Click here to schedule a free 20-minute consultation now.

Sources:

https://kiddomag.com.au/education/a-handy-way-of-looking-at-childrens-behaviour/

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/window-of-tolerance

https://www.mindmypeelings.com/blog/window-of-tolerance

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