What is "Family of Origin" Work in Therapy?

by Abby Lombardo, LMFT

You're searching through therapist bios and you keep coming across the term "Family of Origin work" or "FOO Work". But what does it actually mean? In this post, we try to de-mystify what Family of Origin Work means and how it might be relevant in your therapeutic journey.

To start, Family of Origin (FOO) is a term used by therapists to refer to the primary caregivers an individual had when growing up, whether they be related, adoptive, foster, or any other type of guardianship or caregiver relationship. As you might have guessed, Family of Origin work shows up in therapy sessions quite often. You are probably doing some FOO work in your own therapy or even on your own, without even realizing it!

Some clients seek a therapist to help them through these specific kinds of issues, but most clients end up realizing their family of origin work is a more central issue to their lives than they might have thought at the outset of their therapy journey. Either way, there's a reason for the centrality of this kind of work in therapy. There are few things in our lives our families of origin don't impact, for the simple reason that they are our first relationships and first experiences of the world.

As an illustration, I like to use Dr. Emily Nagoski's metaphor of a garden. Each person is born with a garden; some plants are already planted in this garden at birth--without your say so--things like a sensitive nervous system, a predisposition for anxiety, depression, addiction or even a good memory, natural resilience, and other strengths. There are some seeds that have been planted generations before you and there will be some species of weeds that everyone inherits in the garden they are born with. As you mature, you begin to choose how to tend and manage this garden, what weeds you pull, and what plants you want to start growing instead. In therapy, FOO work involves being aware of what's in your garden--what was there before you had a say--and creating intention around how you want to address, manage, or change what your garden looks like as an adult. As the metaphor implies, it can be hard, messy work. That's a major reason it can be helpful to have a therapist with you while you're doing family of origin (FOO) work.

Here are a few topics that are involved when we use the term "family of origin issues". Some of these (or all of these) may or may not be relevant to you and you might find you resonate more with some than others.

Attachment & Self Worth

Developmentally, we are dependent on our caregivers for a significant portion of the early stages of our lives. We need caregivers to survive. And depending on the caregiver, we learn we can trust our needs to be met most of the time or we learn that we cannot trust others to meet our needs most of the time (or something unpredictable in between). This sets the stage for the type of attachment styles we develop and further impacts the way we relate to others and the world around us. We derive meaning from the way our early caregivers interact with us. Our families or contexts in which we are raised give us our earliest experiences in which we learn if we are valuable, special, and matter to someone...or not. We learn how to gauge our worth or seek connection: if it is inherent or earned with achievements and accolades, athletic prowess, and academic success. We might earn it through being a "good girl/boy/child" or an accommodating and pleasing child. We might learn what is "good" and what is "bad" in our family, and so begins our relationships with shame/guilt and ultimately, our relationship with ourselves.

In therapy, identity and self-work can look as different as the clients who walk through the office doors (or open up their laptop screens) for session. Topics such as inner child work, self-differentiation, setting boundaries, re-storying old narratives, redefining and reframing values and qualities, and attachment work all address how you are relating to yourself and the world around you via the lens of your FOO and learned attachment styles.

Family Roles

Some of the most relevant FOO work I do with clients involves understanding how the roles they played in their family growing up (and now) impact their life in other areas outside of their family of origin. For example, a client might come in wanting to work on people pleasing and how detrimental that has been in her career and friendships because she's finding it very difficult to speak up for herself and ask for what she wants and needs. After a few sessions discussing her family of origin, she might realize that it all started in childhood trying to please her parents, playing peacemaker during their divorce, or caretaking their emotions. Because we are so dependent as children on our caretakers, we often will do anything to keep them around and keep our attachment to them -- even if it costs us significantly. This is how family dynamics and environments shape us. This client learned as a child that to keep her caregivers close and happy, she needed to emotionally caretake and please them to get connection. After learning this and having it reinforced over and over again in her own family, this client continues playing this role in her other relationships, but with different outcomes. Where it served her in her FOO, it does not serve her in her friendships or professional relationships. Bringing awareness, through therapy, about how these old family roles play out in current day-to-day life can help change these patterns.

Conflict & Communication

In my work with couples, conflict and communication challenges almost always trace back to differences in family of origin: my family avoids conflict and brushes things under the rug; your family likes to hash things out right here and now until someone is right and someone is wrong. My family is soft-spoken and everyone gets a turn to speak; your family is loud and boisterous and people must fight to be the loudest in order to be heard. My family does not talk about emotions; your family can't stop talking about their feelings and opinions. It goes on and on. Our families teach us certain implicit and explicit rules, especially rules around communication and conflict. Family rules are often informed by culture, religion, class, beliefs, or value systems. We learn somethings are off-limit, while others are dinner-table conversation appropriate. Often times, we are punished--usually with shame or guilt--when we break these spoken and unspoken rules, which leads to internalization of these rules and other shame-based narratives.

FOO work around conflict and communication patterns starts with acknowledging the rules you have learned and continue to abide by--usually without awareness! This new awareness then leads to decisions about what type of communication patterns and approaches to conflict you want to plant in your garden in the stead of the ones you inherited/learned.

Generational Legacies & Intergenerational Trauma

We now know that intergenerational trauma, trauma that happened to your ancestors and predecessors, can make its way into your own DNA and body (even your dreams). Some people inherit gardens loaded with intergenerational trauma caused by various stressors or challenges such as poverty, racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.--trauma and stressors they might never have experienced for themselves, but are nonetheless taught in subtle and powerful ways to the next generation. For example, hyper-arousal is a common symptom that arises after a traumatic event, where you are on alert for threats, scanning your environment constantly, or anticipating worst case scenarios at all times in order to prepare for or prevent bad things from happening. This symptom, while a typical response to trauma in someone who has experienced trauma, can be taught and passed down by vigilant parents, teaching their kids not to trust others or themselves, making the world feel like a constantly dangerous place where there is no room for rest or relaxation because one must always be on guard for the worst to happen. While this may serve an important purpose or reflect a true reality of danger, depending on the environment in which one finds themselves, the chronic stress of being in a state of hyper-arousal and threat does significant damage to the mind and body. It can be difficult for those taught this state of being to challenge it in favor of taking time to rest, relax, be taken care of by others, and to appropriately depend on others when called for. Working through intergenerational trauma with a therapist looks a lot like naming legacies you've inherited, understanding the impact of systems larger than you and your family, externalizing the blame in order to foster compassion, understanding, and validation, as well as working to challenge and heal some of the perpetuated suffering.

Gender, Power, Money, Sex, & Relationships

Our families teach us our earliest values and beliefs, before we even have a chance to form our own opinions and worldviews. In our families of origin we learn about gender, power, money, relationships, and sex. We learn that gender can mean who cooks and who works. We learn that gender can mean equality and fluidity. We learn that it can mean who is powerful and who is powerless. We learn about money and what financial security or insecurity feels like. We learn to see the world as a place of abundance or scarcity. We also learn how to share affection, what love looks like, how to act in relationship, and how to treat others. We learn what is "normal" in terms of displays of affection and physical touch. We learn what is not okay in terms of sexuality, bodies, and acting on our desires. FOO work in therapy can involve unpacking our biases and beliefs around concepts like these in order to have more agency and choice in how we relate to others. With awareness we can have more say in how we move through the world.

Our earliest experiences with our families of origin shape our biases, tendencies, and what we consider "normal." These experiences make up our gardens. As adults, through the therapy process, we learn what does or doesn't serve us anymore: what might need to be uprooted and unlearned like racism and sexism or what needs to be planted and learned like how to communicate vulnerable emotions to a romantic partner or how to accept one's sexuality. In therapy, FOO work can help unpack our earliest messages around influential constructs and breakdown old narratives we continue to perpetuate, but that don't actually serve us or fit us anymore, so that we can learn to live in ways that support our wellbeing individually and relationally.

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Disenfranchised Grief and Ambiguous Loss

by Eve Evens, LICSW

I was recently reading Ashley C Ford’s memoir, “Somebody’s Daughter” and came across a quote that has continued to stay with me.

"In the stillness of the nights that kept on coming at the end of every day, no matter how pleasant or productive the day had been, I wondered if something was wrong with me for ever loving my father in the first place. It made sense why everyone who knew the truth couldn't look me in the eyes when I asked. They didn't want me to feel ashamed, but they already felt ashamed for me. I saw it on their faces, pointed in my direction."

One of the main themes of her memoir is her experience of both disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss surrounding her father’s 30-year incarceration. Besides the millions of people in the United States who have a loved one who is incarcerated, I started to think about all the other very common experiences that can cause both ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief that do not often receive cultural recognition. So, I thought I would take a moment to talk about them here. Even if it doesn’t relate to you specifically, it may make you a better friend or support to someone else in your life who may be experiencing disenfranchised grief and/or ambiguous loss.

Just like society dictates rules for how to act, dress, speak and operate in the world, society also dictates rules around grief and these rules can be subtle or explicit. Disenfranchised grief takes these “grief rules” to another level by assigning who is entitled to grieve and, in turn, who receives support, acknowledgment, and validation in their grief. These societal expectations can feel excruciating when your relationship with someone significant is not acknowledged or the impact of their death or other type of loss is minimized.

Grief becomes disenfranchised when we don’t receive societal validation of our loss and subsequent grieving process. Society says you shouldn’t be grieving, so you feel like you can’t talk about it. You can’t find support. You feel alone. You think your feelings are wrong. There are four umbrella scenarios that could lead to one experiencing this kind of grief:

1) Society says the relationship isn’t important, so grief is not acknowledged

This often happens when your relationship to the deceased is one that society interprets as distant and not worthy of grief. Societal rules often dictate that we grieve “blood” relatives and as we get beyond that circle, we find less acknowledgement of the impact of a death/loss. Some disenfranchised losses that fall into this category may be:

• Death of an ex-spouse

• Death of a co-worker

• Death of a pet

• Death of an online friend (cyber loss)

• Death of a same-sex partner

• Miscarriage or stillbirth

• Death of a step-child/step-parent

• Death of a foster child/foster parent

• Death of other non-blood relationships (friends, boyfriend/girlfriend in-laws, neighbors, etc)

2) The death is stigmatized by society.

Sometimes the cause of death may make it difficult for the griever to talk about the loss, due to stigma. These can involve guilt, shame, blame, and countless other feelings that can cause a griever to hide their grief, feeling the death is not worthy of the same grief based on societal rules. Again, just some examples are:

• Death by suicide

• Death by accidental drug overdose

• Death by child abuse

• Death to HIV/AIDS

• Abortion

• Death due to drunk driving

• Death of a family member in prison

3) The relationship is stigmatized by society.

Though this can overlap with the two categories above, there are times that the relationship during life was a stigmatized relationship. This can lead to similar feelings after a death, with the griever feeling society will not acknowledge the impact of the loss, or they must continue to hide the relationship. This can include:

• Death of partner from an extramarital affair

• Death of a same-sex partner

• Death of a gang member

• Death of high-risk/stigmatized peer group (“drinking buddy”, drug abuser)

4) The loss itself isn’t recognized as a grief-worthy because it is not a death

These are often cases of losses that are grieved but are not necessarily a death. Again, this is far from an exhaustive list, but may include:

• Dementia

• TBI (traumatic brain injury)

• Mental illness

• Infertility

• Substance Abuse

• Loss of function

• Adoption (e.g. an adoptee is told that they should just be “grateful” that they have a family or is cautioned not to be vocal about feelings of loss of their birth family because it may make their adoptive family “feel bad”)

• Religious conversion (to or away from a religion)

• Incarceration

• Disability/Loss of ability (Diagnosed later in life or from birth/childhood)

Similar to disenfranchised grief, “Ambiguous loss” is a term used to describe losses that are related to presence and absence.  There are two types of ambiguous loss; when someone is physically absent but remains psychologically present such as with a missing person, immigration, or adoption; or when a loved one is physically present but psychologically absent, for example with chronic mental illness, addiction, or brain injury. Ambiguous loss differs from traditional loss because you are unable to attain closure. It is uncertain by nature, making it incredibly difficult to understand and to move forward or live with the uncertainty.

While every experience of disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss is unique, there a few general coping strategies that I believe can be beneficial no matter where we are in our grief/loss. This list is again by no means exhaustive but should serve more as a place to begin or jumping off point to explore other ideas.

1. Acknowledge your love for that person was true and significant and your loss is no less valid. Love is love. Loss is loss. Your love was real and valid; your grief is real and valid.

2. Remind yourself that you are worthy of time and space to grieve, be it the death of a friend, co-worker, four-legged family members, or any other loss. You may even want to write it on a card in your wallet, put it in a note in your phone, or put that message wherever you can easily access it. When someone says something dumb (oh and they will!) that makes you feel you are not worthy of your grief experience, pull that message out, read it over.

3. Remind yourself that you are not alone. It is easy to fall in to isolation when you are finding no acknowledgement or support of your grief. What can be helpful is seeking the experience of others who have experienced similar losses. With the growth of the internet and support group for those experiencing grief/loss, you may be able to find others who have experienced a similar loss, and some of the same challenges of a loss that is not given cultural recognition.  More groups are popping up for survivors of suicide, overdose deaths, stillbirths, transracial adoptees etc.

4. Create your own ritual. There are many times that, due to the nature of these losses, that you are not able to take part in a funeral or closure ritual in the way you would have wanted. Maybe because of the nature of the relationship, you were not welcome at the funeral, or you felt awkward, so you didn’t attend at all. Maybe there was no funeral to go to or memorial to visit, such as with adoptees or the loved ones of incarcerated individuals.

Consider if it would be helpful to create your own ritual now. This doesn’t have to be elaborate; it could be as simple as writing a letter or visiting a meaningful place.

5. Assess your support system. Though you may be feeling that none of your family or friends are supportive, be sure to really think carefully about this before you write everyone off. If all your “usual suspects” are not supportive, think of people a little further outside your circle. Sometimes you find empathetic people in surprising places! This may be just the time to reach out to a distant friend who also lost a child to overdose, suffered a miscarriage, etc.

6. Seek personal ways to explore grief and express your emotions. Consider journaling, art, photography, and other personal expression. Though you may not have the external support you want, you can still find ways to explore your grief and emotions on your own.

7. Be a support to others experiencing disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss. This is something you may not be ready for right away, but down the road, it can be healing to be a support to others. Remember that, just because you have a similar loss, this does not mean your experience will be identical. But you can acknowledge and validate their right to grieve, no matter how similar or dissimilar their experience is to your own.

I know some of you may be thinking “That’s all well and good, but what’s the point when I have so little impact on changing society’s view of grief and loss”. It’s true. We cannot change society’s grief/loss rules overnight. But society’s rules, norms, and expectations DO evolve over time and we as those who have experienced disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss play a very real part in that.

We can speak up about these losses and how deeply they impact us. We can support others and give them the permission they need to grieve, no matter what. We can help others understand when their words are hurtful and minimize another’s grief. We can start sharing our experiences with our friends, family, and community, if and when we feel strong enough, because those are the things they will remember and cling to if they have the misfortune to suffer a similar loss. We can stand up for the fact that we are all worthy of having our grief and loss humanized, no matter what shape it comes in.

If you’re experiencing any type of grief right now, we have therapists who can provide you with support. Going to therapy is perfectly normal when you’re grieving. Click here to book a consultation now.

How Naming Your Feelings Improves Relationships (Including the one with yourself)

In sitting with clients and myself, I like to start off with the simple, yet, powerful question, “How are you feeling?”

It’s slightly different from, “How are you doing?” or “how’s it going?”

Asking yourself or others how they feel is very specific and lends opportunity for you to check in with yourself emotionally. Before rolling your eyes, hear me out.

I know talking about emotions and naming feelings can be challenging and uncomfortable. Sometimes this is because we may not have the words to name the feeling, or weren’t socialized to recognize them and talk about them, or we’re so out of touch with our feelings that it may seem like more of a headache to name them than to ignore. It’s easy to answer, “I’m fine,” or “I’m good,” to those other questions, but neither one of those answers actually name a feeling. 

A feeling is an actual sensation tied to your emotional state. By answering “fine” or “good,” we’re not exactly connecting to an actual emotion. Of course, at times, this type of response is appropriate. For instance, if you’re checking out at the counter in a store, you may not want your cashier to know you’re super frustrated with your partner for not listening to you that morning. However, checking in with yourself or those you are close with can be extremely important. Naming feelings such as “I’m frustrated,” or “joyful” gives yourself a pulse on your emotional state which ultimately creates connection to self, or as I like to call it, your spirit.

Naming your emotions affords you with the opportunity of acknowledging yourself. This can be the first step to creating a relationship with yourself. Growing to understand yourself is the foundation to your mental health and external relationships. If you’re not certain of your feelings, you may not be aware of your needs and how to meet them. This makes it hard to acknowledge and navigate your moods and behaviors in a supportive way. It’s ok, we’re all figuring it out.

It feels nice to be acknowledged by someone else, why not allow that to be something you do for yourself? As Beyoncé said in her song “Me, Myself, and I,” “I’m gon’ be my own best friend.”

(The queen herself is never wrong but…I digress.)

via GIPHY

It’s a social norm to greet or acknowledge others when we walk into a room. You can make it a similar norm with yourself acknowledge how you’re feeling from time to time. Your spirit will smile when you acknowledge it. More than likely, you wouldn’t ignore a child who is crying, a friend who seems unsettled during a social function, or a family member experiencing joy when celebrating an accomplishment. But how often do you ignore yourself? It is an act of kindness and self-compassion to not ignore your emotions.

Building a relationship with yourself is the first step to building any relationship, especially as an adult.

As adults we often navigate relationships on our own because we’ve left the guidance of our parents and caretakers. We left the nest without a proper manual for relationship building, as if a manual exists for anything in adulthood. Often times you can find that guidance in therapy along with trial and error through various relationships. Nothing beats the opportunity to build and explore the longest standing relationship that you will ever have, a relationship with yourself. 

Naming your emotions with yourself can also be helpful for your relationships with others. Being clear with yourself about how you’re feeling helps you communicate to other people more effectively, and makes it much more likely that your needs will be met by the other person, and definitely will help you feel more heard, understood and cared for, even though it’s really vulnerable. Despite discomfort, you are worthy of understanding and getting your needs met, and that’s on periodt!

By recognizing a feeling such as frustration, you allow yourself to recognize this emotional state within. This invites you to potentially explore why you’re feeling that way or where it’s coming from so that you can address it. Feeling frustrated may not feel good in the moment, but processing and exploring why you feel this way can help change the feeling or care for yourself as you feel it. 

Frustration signals that maybe your needs aren’t being met in the moment or you feel misunderstood by someone. Instead of potentially channeling your frustrations toward someone else in a way that isn’t helpful or intentional, you’ve acknowledged your emotion and invited yourself to process the situation. This way your emotion can be seen and validated by yourself, and then communicated to the other person. 

Becoming self-aware after processing your emotions can lead to understanding yourself, connection to the physical implications of your emotional state, along with a path to finding useful coping skills when needed. Once you’ve processed what made you frustrated, you can also name your bodily responses to recognize the impact of this emotion on you physically; furthermore, this deepens your connection with yourself. For instance, when I’m frustrated I tend to get hot, my shoulders become tense, my jaw tightens, and I’m not breathing as deeply. By recognizing my physical state in moments of frustration, I’ve realized my go-to coping mechanism is to take deeper breaths and focus on my breathing pattern.

This allows for me to slow my thoughts and responses to others; as a result, I can be more tactful in my responses so the way I’m communicating will potentially be more receptive. Although breathing may not be your go-to coping skill, or how you would cope with “frustration,” in particular, naming your emotion will allow to recognize if and what coping skill you may need.  After exploring your emotion, it’s beneficial to explore coping skills that work for you with various grounding techniques such as naming sensations, meditating, engaging in movement whether it be dance or taking a walk, hanging out with people who love and support you, or engaging if your favorite hobby.

You may also externalize the issue so that there’s no reason to channel frustration toward someone else or yourself ineffectively. Externalizing means to name the problem not the person. 

Externalizing the issue creates room for you to detach the issue from a person to looking at it more objectively. Ask yourself, “what is the issue in this moment outside of the individuals involved?”. This helps you invite a little grace by shifting your perspective from blaming someone to instead, seeing the problem removed from the person. For instance, your frustration may not actually be with the person in the moment, but in the fact that it’s misunderstanding in communication; as a result, communication is the issue and not the person. This process can alleviate that frustration and maybe even transition that emotion to hope, or feeling as sense of clarity, after processing your emotion. 

It can also help you more effectively communicate to someone what you’re frustrated about. Rather than fighting words such as, “You’re an asshole”, you can say something like “I’m frustrated because I feel unheard right now”. You’re shifting the frustration in the situation from the person to the dynamic, which can help you and the other person face it together, rather than facing against each other.

Naming your emotion may seem simple, yet, a powerful exercise that will open doors for processing your feelings and deepening relationships. This process lends itself to you becoming connected to yourself, understanding yourself, and becoming aware of your needs in the moment. Identifying what’s happening for you internally can be the first step to building a solid relationship with your spirit, with your soul, with you.

Think of how many music artists have made millions off of naming and acknowledging their feelings: Drake, Whitney Houston, Adele, Otis Redding, the list goes on. If you’re not certain of how to put your feelings into words, feel free to Google “feelings wheel,” or “wheel of emotions” or check out this blog post about it.

You can check in with your feelings anywhere, anytime. So, now I have to ask, how are you feeling?

Read about more ways to cultivate a relationship with yourself here.

If you’d like to work with a therapist at Riverbank Therapy, fill out our contact form!

How to Practice Self-Compassion

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is very similar to compassion for others, but directed towards yourself. It is noticing that you are suffering, and meeting yourself with kindness and warmth in the midst of that pain. It is caring for yourself in moments where you’re hurting. My favorite way to think about self-compassion is to treat yourself in that moment like you would a close friend.

Kristin Neff (self-compassion.org) breaks down self-compassion into three components:

Self-kindness (instead of self-judgement). This means that you meet yourself with warmth and kindness, rather than criticism and judgement.

Common humanity (instead of isolation). This means recognizing that pain is part of the human experience and that you are not alone in suffering (knowing that your specific pain is unique to you).

Mindfulness (instead of overidentification). This means feeling and observing our emotions without getting overly sucked in by them, or overly identifying with them. Nervous system regulation skills really help here.

“With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation.” -Kristin Neff

How do I practice self-compassion?

There are a few ways. They all start with noticing when and how you are judging, criticizing or being mean to yourself. Just bringing awareness to this pattern will likely start to create a desire to be kinder to yourself (kind of like the light in the fridge; it changes just by virtue of being observed).

Once you’ve noticed self-criticism, my personal favorite way to practice self-compassion is to ask myself what I would say to a friend. I wouldn’t say “you piece of shit, get over it.” Instead, I might say, “this really hurts right now, what do you need?” and then try to meet that need. Giving this to yourself is, to me, the essence of self-compassion.

Other ways you can practice:

-name what you’re feeling, ask what you need, and meet that need;

-make a mantra like “pain is human, I am allowed to feel this”

-place your hand on your heart and take a few breaths;

-head to self-compassion.org to download Neff’s “self-compassion break” meditation and other guided practices;

-practice lovingkindness meditation.

Why is self-compassion so difficult?

Most of us are critical of ourselves. We have a front row seat to all of our flaws and weaknesses. It’s far easier to be critical of yourself than others, partially because you know your soft spots better than others. It’s also easier because being mean to yourself often happens internally, so others don’t see it and call you out on it. When you’re mean to others, it gets noticed. With self-criticism, you can fly under the radar.

Self-compassion is possible to cultivate, even if you hate yourself. It takes practice. You don’t have to believe it at first; keep practicing. Right now, you’ve got a superhighway of self-criticism, and an overgrown neglected path of self-compassion. It takes time and consistency to cut a new path, and turn the self-compassion path into the highway default.

I feel guilty when I’m kind to myself. How do I deal with that?

This is a common reaction to self-compassion. Remind yourself that you deserve kindness and compassion. Always.

Questions to reflect on:

Where did you learn that you don’t deserve kindness?

Where did you learn that criticism is the best path to motivation and success?

Do you believe that criticism is working for you?

Self-compassion feels like an excuse. How can I do this and still be accountable?

Accountability is part of self-compassion. Accountability and shame are different. Calling yourself bad or shaming yourself for doing something wrong is very different than actually holding yourself accountable. Shame does not promote behavior change. Compassionate accountability does. Self-compassion can be softness and gentleness, and it can also be calling yourself on your shit.

I like to think about self-compassion as talking to yourself the way you'd talk to a friend. And sometimes, a good friend will kindly (or with tough love) tell you when you're wrong and need to do better.

Accountability with self-compassion means holding yourself to your values and how you want to show up in the world, while not calling yourself bad or awful for making a mistake. Accountability and self-compassion are similar to self-care.

Self-care is not always a spa day. Sometimes self-care is hard stuff, like setting that boundary, buckling down and doing the task you've been putting off, etc.

Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook. It's being kind to yourself, and, at times, that kindness means telling yourself that you did something outside of your value system and committing to doing better.

Self-compassion is a key skill for mental and emotional well-being. I highly recommend diving into this work, with a therapist if you’re able!

If you’d like to schedule with one of our therapists, click here to book your free consultation now!

5 Tips for Times of Transition

by Abby Lombardo, LMFT

When I think about the last several months, weeks, days, one word comes to mind: flux. Everything is in flux: the season, the weather (hello heat wave!), my moods, the mandates, navigating spaces old and new. We are (and have been) in a time of transition. While change naturally happens as an ongoing process in our lives, there are some moments that significantly stand out as being marked by capital c Change. So is this time.

We are coming out of a pandemic, of lockdowns, of fear and death on a massive and personal scale. We are coming out of threat mode, unsafe mode. And depending on your expectations of what that means, it can look a lot different! And it will look a lot different for everyone. It’s important to remember there is no one way, no right way to come out of this season. We all must go through it in our own ways, guided by the decisions and values we each hold dear. With this said, I’ve put together a smattering of ideas to help you find your way through this time or any time of transition. This is part 1, with 5 tips for a time of transition. Part 2 coming soon. Take what you want, leave what you don’t.

1.      Grace

Sometimes the simplest yet most complicated act we can offer ourselves is some grace. We are experiencing a lot, something that only a few generations experience every so often throughout the course of recorded human history: a pandemic. This is new. Yes, it has been since last March… but you haven’t been here before, figuring out how to transition from pandemic to post-pandemic you, to a post-pandemic world. Ease up on yourself for having to get it right, do it the best, be the best version of yourself for everyone else, do all the (newly) socially acceptable things to do.

Grace can sound like:

Hey, I’m doing the best I can.

I don’t have answers right now, and that’s okay.

This is a lot.

These are tough decisions.

I am having a lot of feelings about this decision/etc.

I feel torn between what I want and what I need /or what I think I want or need.

This is hard.

This is new.

I don’t know how to navigate this.

Grace can look like:

Giving yourself a hug/asking for a hug.

Putting your hand on your chest/heart and saying one of the above statements.

A deep breath.

Letting go of what is not in your control.

Easing up on yourself regarding what is in your control.

Finding support in a friend/partner/person/therapist.

Letting your feelings just be.

Validating your feelings.

Doing a kind act towards yourself (i.e., self care).

2.      Moments of Stillness

The world keeps on turning, lives keep moving forward, everything is changing. Sometimes, a helpful thing to do is to purposefully stand still. Creating moments of stillness in times of change can be a way to re-ground, re-orient and find your center before plunging through the unknowns before you. In our fast-paced culture of productivity and “time as money”, moments of stillness are rare and counter-cultural. I encourage you to leave behind the all or nothing approach and seek just a few moments/minutes of stillness in this season of transition.

What moments of stillness could look like:

Drinking tea while looking out a window/being outside or by an open window/door.

Reading quietly.

Muting your phone/notifications for a limited amount of time per day to focus on 1 thing.

Mindfully cooking a meal.

Listening to a song with all of your attention.

Meditation

Sitting with or petting an animal.

Silence

Visualizations of a safe, quiet, enjoyable space/place.

Stillness of your body for only a few moments.

A deep breath or many deep breaths

A guided meditation/breathing practice

Gentle yoga

Doing a task you normally do, but slooooooowly.

Take a mindful walk around noticing things with your 5 senses.

Put your feet in sand/grass/dirt/on the earth.

The idea is that the moment of stillness can be figurative/symbolic or literal. Experiment with some ideas and see what resonates most for you. Finding a few rituals that allows you to re-ground, re-connect, and re-center can be so important in times when we are being pulled in all different and new directions.

3.      Basic Needs

In seasons of transition, it is easy to forget that we are humans: fragile, vulnerable humans in physical bodies that have very physical needs. Our minds and emotions can take us so far away from ourselves as we try to plan for the future, navigate unending challenges, or wade into the unknown. It is important to come back to the fact that we need sleep, food, water, and rest. (I purposefully separate sleep from rest because not all rest is sleep and sleep is not the only kind of rest we need.) Take a moment (or several) to see how you’ve been caring for yourself in terms of basic needs or even hygiene needs.

Sometimes these things feel very small and doable, we just forget to do them routinely throughout our day. Other times it feels like the most of gargantuan tasks, to care for ourselves. Wherever you’re at, you still have these needs. Drinking a glass of water can be a good start in a chain of other helpful behaviors that get you going in the direction you’d like to be headed towards during your day. Taking 5 seconds to stretch when you get up from your desk to go the bathroom can be a good start in the chain of helpful behaviors and rituals that reminds you to care for your body today.

The hardest part is often starting. Creating routines, rituals, and intentions is a great way to incorporate these needs into your day. Adding pleasure -- activities you enjoy or look forward to – in addition to these needs can be a good way to make it not feel like a burden or chore.

What caring for basic needs can look like:

Setting a sleep schedule with enough time to wind down and wake up.

Planning meals and chores for the week ahead of time.

Filling up a water bottle first thing in the morning.

Eating consistently throughout the day in a way that nourishes your body and gives you energy, focus, and enjoyment.

Checking in with yourself: What do I need right now?

Participating in a playful, relaxing, or pleasurable activity.

Stretching for 10 minutes at the beginning, middle, or end of day.

Taking a limited social media break to do something that is more actively caring for yourself.

Showering, brushing your teeth, washing your face, hydrating your skin/lips, etc.

Taking naps.

4.      Change your standard of success and expectations of yourself.

This is all new. You are changing. Everything is changing around you. When this is the case, we must choose to adapt. And that especially means we must choose to adapt our own expectations of ourselves. Change has a way of making us beginners again; it throws us right back into the awkward stage of figuring things out all over again. When things are shifting this much, you cannot hold yourself to a standard of when things were different. (I mean you can, but it will most often lead to a mismatch of reality, which usually adds on some more pain.) Because really, what’s happening when we hold ourselves to an old standard, we are not actually adapting to what the moment of change calls for, which is often lots and lots of flexibility and grace. Holding ourselves to rigid expectations is a surefire way to make enemies of ourselves in times of change. When we allow ourselves to lower the bar of our own expectations there is more room for celebrating the small accomplishments, giving ourselves a break, rest, etc. And these are the things that make transitions easier, not harder.

What changing your standards for yourself can look like:

Gentle, positive self talk: We did it, we made it through this day. / That was tiring, I’m going to allow myself to rest now. / Change is hard, I’m going to give myself some comfort now.

Letting go of some things on the to do list.

Focusing on 1-2 goal s or tasks per day vs. 20.

Taking breaks from hard things and then coming back to them.

Re-evaluating why you think/feel you “should” do something.

Ask yourself how you would respond if a friend were in the same situation as you with the same feelings.

Validate your feelings, just let them be. Let them be true and valid.

Stop comparing yourself to other people and what they are doing.

Celebrate the small things!

5.      Talk about it. Reach out!

We aren’t meant to do it alone all the time. Know when to ask for help. Know when to loop in a trusted person who can offer a listening ear, a sounding board, a comforting hug, or soothing words. Change is hard. When we go through change a large part of the process is re-orienting ourselves and making sense of what’s happening, sometimes again and again and again. This means, many of us need to hear ourselves out loud, talking about the same thing over and over and over again. Ever wonder why some people sound like a broken record after a breakup or a loss or a significant change happens in their life? It’s their brain’s way of trying to make sense of what just happened to them and their world. You might need this to! You might need a space to just hear yourself out. Friends, family, and therapy, along with safe online spaces can be great places to take up space and give yourself a chance to form your new narrative.

What reaching out can look like:

Asking a friend to listen without giving advice.

Asking someone if they are in a place where they can give you their full attention while you talk about something that is difficult for you to talk about.

Texting a friend.

Spending time with people who know you well.

Asking for hugs.

Letting others in on what you might be needing.

Being vulnerable and sharing how you’re truly feeling with others.

Asking for what you need directly.

Setting up regular get-togethers with different people in your social support network.

Reminding yourself you are not alone/don’t have to be alone.

Joining a therapy support groups with others experiencing similar struggles in transition: loss, grief, illness, COVID-19 support, depression, anxiety, etc.

Work with a therapist.

These lists of suggestions are not intended as more to-dos, more things to possibly fail at or not do for yourself. Instead, I encourage you to pick 1-2 items from the lists that speak to you that you are willing to experiment with and try out in your own life. Sometimes, less is more. Especially when we are already at full capacity in a shifting environment. Be intentional. Be kind. Be gentle. Be forgiving. And remember, this is new, you’ve never been here before, at this point in your life. We’re all trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got. You included.

Check out part 2 of this post here.