Mindfulness

A Tool For Finding Comfort in Chaos

by Kelsi Davis, LICSWA

What is a Snapshot practice?

A snapshot is a journaling activity that aims to create or recreate a memory to ground yourself in the present moment. This activity can be utilized when you feel stressed, anxious, or frustrated. It is easy to get wrapped up in these strong emotions and feel stuck with them. The snapshot helps bring your focus to the present and allows time for reflection. This activity is not only grounding but can create a space for self-care.

This journaling activity is named after a quick informal photograph taken to capture a moment in time. Much like its name, this activity is done informally. You can take as little as five minutes or spend a whole hour writing out your snapshot. You can write one every day or write one when emotions are heightened. This is a personal and individualized practice.

How to Make Time?

There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done, and there is often a never-ending list of things to finish, so self-care needs to be intentionally set aside. Let’s set the scene for this journaling activity. Create a workspace that allows you to get into the mindset of self- compassion and emotional flexibility. This may look like deep breaths, going for a walk, yoga, etc.

The goal is to be comfortable in your environment. Be intentional with your time and create a space for yourself to feel. Then you can sit down and start to write or type (I like to put pen to paper). You may listen to music while you reflect or write in silence.

Why do this?

This practice may sound challenging to do when you are in a heightened place of emotion. If this is something that can’t be done in the moment of these heightened emotions, then you can set the intention to write a snapshot when you are in a good headspace. Then you can reflect on a finished journal entry when you are stressed or anxious. I suggest reading it out loud to yourself and using it as a tool to ground. It is like going to a happy place. This “happy place” can be hard to visualize, so writing can help ground your thoughts in a safe space of self-care and understanding. I often struggle to find time to fit this practice into my day. I set an intention to use this practice to remind myself to come back to it when I need it.

This is my guidance: celebrate the small moments. Self-care starts by creating space for yourself. Small things can bring joy, and we can relish in these moments.

What to Write About?

There are three paths (use one or all three!):

  1. Create a new memory. Take a walk, get outside, sit with your feelings, eat your favorite food, and then write about your experience. Again, this practice is personal.

  2. Think back to a memory and write about it in detail to help visualize the memory. An example of this: The first day you got a pet, your wedding day, a childhood memory that sticks out to you.

  3. Reflection: ground yourself in your environment and take time to notice and reflect on something soothing in your current space.

Example One (creating a new memory)

It was cool outside, about forty degrees. It was a quiet evening. There is always something running through my mind as I tend to overthink. Life is always happening around me. My mind, as I write this, is full of day-to-day stressors. As I stand outside, I think about money, bills, and my obligations as a professional, friend, and dysfunctional family member. I think about the never-ending appointments and meetings and responsibility. As I am standing outside, I dig my bare feet into the ground and feel the dirt between my toes. I stare into the sky illuminated by streetlights and breathe in crisp cool air. I often feel like my life is nothing but things that need to be done. I am nothing but a machine. Well, the societal expectation is always to be productive.

It can be hard to enjoy the moments I do have. To stand outside in the cool evening and I ground. I hear cars in the faint background and the pattering of tiny feet from what I can only assume to be a family of raccoons. After some time in the quiet, I sat on the cool, damp grass. I was not thrilled to have gotten my pajama bottoms wet. However, it did not seem to bother me. I just ended up laughing at myself. The goal at this moment was to fully indulge in my natural setting, even when surrounded by the city. Sitting on the damp grass, I felt raindrops hit my face as I gazed into the sky. The cold drips of rain continued to hit my skin, making me feel present in my moment. I created a space where I had no obligations except to care for myself for a few minutes. To be present, to feel one with the world around me, and live in that moment.

Example Two (memory)

It was snowing hard outside. I was visiting my parents for the holidays. A time of year that is honestly hard. I was trying to enjoy the time with my parents, but I needed some time alone and fresh air. I stepped outside. My skin was warm, so it melted quickly when the snowflakes fell on me. I felt calm amidst the chaos of holiday bickering. I walked down the large stairway in front of my parent’s home and looked at the large pine trees in their front yard. The snow glistened. It glowed in the starlight. All I could hear was the snow falling until I heard what sounded like a baby crying. I looked everywhere to find what was making these sounds. I circle the property and return to the front yard, where I had been looking at the trees. I looked down, and I saw a small black and white kitten. His eyes were not open, and he was ice cold but very much alive. I took him in. This moment led to many sleepless nights of caring for this kitten. That was six years ago. One day can change your life, and the day I found Cecil changed mine.

Example Three (reflection)

I have a small plant cohabitating in my small urban apartment. I enjoy watering it and ensuring it gets everything it needs to thrive. It made me think how all people need different things to thrive, just like plants have different needs. Learning what we need and making time to care for ourselves are discussed often in popular media. However, it is often passed over about how to incorporate the practice of self-nourishment into our day-to-day.

Putting this into Practice

As you can see in the three examples, the journaling activity can be long or short. It is a practice to make your own. It can be utilized in the heat of the moment, after a stressful event, in the middle of feeling anxious, on good days or bad days. It is a practice that can be implemented at any time. I have written them on my phone to use while waiting for a doctor’s appointment or for when I’m stressed at work. The key is to return to these snapshots and embrace the emotions presented in the exercise. This activity allows us to remember the small moments and find joy in the mundane or simple. This activity may be best utilized by those who enjoy journaling. However, this may also provide a structure to try a new way to cope with heightened emotions, so I challenge anyone to give it a shot. You might find a new strategy that you love to use!

“To experience peace does not mean that your life is always blissful. It means that you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of a hectic life.” -Jill Bolte Taylor

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What Is Mindfulness?

At a virtual comedy event I attended this week, one of the comedians joked about being stressed out. Someone in her life suggested meditation. Meditation? Her? No way! She didn’t want to sit quietly in a dark room with her racing mind, meditation was not for her. 

The joke got a lot of laughs and the comment box scrolling on the side was full of agreements- the comedian was right, meditation was a ridiculous suggestion!

Sound familiar? Yep, it feels like almost everywhere these days the concepts of mindfulness and meditation are pushed on us, with little or not help to understanding what they mean, leading to the frustration and helplessness this comic expressed. 

Hello! I am glad you’re here! You probably clicked on this blog post because you too have felt muddled by all the “mindful” words and messages that get thrown at us on social media, the news, magazines, from our friends, and in an increasing amount of just casual conversation. 

Over the course of the last decade, mainstream society has gotten saturated with buzzwords like mindfulness, self love, self care and meditation.  I use the word saturated, because I see it everywhere! Waiting in line at the grocery store check out I see glossy magazine covers depicting an unfurling flower, or someone perched serenely on a mountaintop, with the size 48 font reminding me that I, too could be a blossoming flower or serene mountaintop sitter, if I would embrace mindfulness. Recently I walked by the dance studio on my block where they added a big, colorful sign in their window that says “LOVE YOURSELF”. 

Huh. Without any direction or guidance, messages like “love yourself” and “be mindful” aren’t helpful. In addition to that, they can be harmful. With the increasing ubiquity of those “mindful buzzwords”, they can also elicit shame, self- judgement and questioning ourselves. “Everyone else seems like they’re on the mindfulness train, whats wrong with me that I’m not?”

Well, I am here to say, really loudly, kindly and in caps lock and in bold: NOTHING.

Nothing is wrong with you for not knowing how to bring all those buzzwords into your life, and perhaps not knowing if you want to at all! I invite you as you’re reading this. Yes, this very moment, to notice that you are a human, and you live on Earth. For me, that sentence allows me to exhale deeply, I invite you to do the same. 

If it feels right to keep reading, then I offer you my outstretched hand, and all the kindness I feel as I write these words and you read them. 

What is mindfulness, anyways?

Mindfulness is patient, kind attention to whatever is happening in any given moment. 

Yep. That’s it.

But… how?

I invite you to try it right now as you are reading these words. 

Can you hear any sounds, like a car driving past, music you have playing, birds chirping, the sound of yourself exhaling? 

What color shirt are you wearing?

What device are you reading this on, laptop, phone, tablet?

Do any memories or feelings come up as you begin to take notice of this moment? If so, recognize them as well. 

Noticing the pieces that build upon one another to form a moment- that is mindfulness. 

This feels weird!

I acknowledge that patient and kind attention to ourselves and our surroundings can be a very new experience for many of us. Something as tiny as mindfully noticing the sound of the heater clanking brings us out of the past or the future and places us squarely in the present moment. I am here, the heater is clanking. 

We have been taught and socialized to be anywhere other than here. From the public school system in the US, asking us to study for standardized tests, to the current usage and proliferation of social media, with people showing us all day how happy and adventurous their lives are. 

That is why mindfulness is radical. It is the radical choice to say, I am right here, right now.

What happens if I get pulled out of the here and now? Am I doing mindfulness wrong? 

Noticing you were pulled out ….. drumroll… is mindfulness!  When we return to mindful awareness, that’s doing it too! 

The good news is, mindfulness is always there, waiting for us to come back. This quote from Julia Child expresses mindfulness perfectly: “Always remember: if you are alone in the kitchen and you drop the lamb, you can always just pick it back up. Who’s going to know?”

Mindfulness is a private relationship with ourselves, so if we drop our awareness, we can pick it back up, over and over again. Kindness as we return is also a key factor. If we get lost in a thought, bringing ourselves back with such big kindness, like how you might speak to a child, “Hi, I see you got lost, I’m right here, welcome back”. I get feedback from clients that this feels corny/difficult to do at first, and that is A-OK! Acknowledging the corniness (if that is true for you) is also mindfulness. 

I think I’m on board… but am not sure about sitting still in a quiet room, what are my options?

The great news is that mindful awareness can be done sitting, standing, lying down or walking. It can be done anytime of day, no matter where you are. Mindfulness is fluid, and malleable. It can be wherever you are.  

This is a great rundown of what those positions might look like for you!

But If I am right here, right now, how will I ever plan for the future or move towards my goals?

Great question! The answer is that, by being with yourself, you ARE moving towards your goals. 

Let’s say a goal of yours is to have a more open and honest relationship with your mother, and right here, in this moment, you are ruminating on the difficult conversation you had with her last night. Being in the moment does not mean running away from the hard convo you had with your mom- it means acknowledging it.  You might put a hand on your heart and say, “I am really upset about that conversation I had with mom last night”. Just like noticing a car driving past or the heater clanking, the noticing and naming of a feeling as it arises is mindfulness. 

Take a moment right now to notice what might be going on in your heart and feelings. 

Some noticing phrases:

  • What that friend said really hurt me

  • I feel really joyful and happy when I take my dog for a walk

  • I feel lonely today 

  • I’m worried about making enough money

  • I feel seen and understood because of that conversation with a friend

You may notice in these “example” phrases that some are more commonly thought of as “positive” and some as “negative”. That is intentional on my part when writing this list, because mindfulness is noticing ALL of our parts, the joys and the sorrows. When we begin to spend time with our true selves, motivation for change and growth has the space to be cultivated. 

OK, I tried it, but I felt unsafe!

I acknowledge that it doesn’t always feel safe or OK to be mindful of what is happening in our bodies. Sometimes there is deep pain/ hurt/ trauma held in our bodies, and it can become very tender and raw when it begins to get looked at through the practice of mindfulness. Please know, this is a cue for you to stop or take it slowly. I invite you to acknowledge with kindness that this practice doesn’t feel right or safe, and contact a professional so that you can process with the support of a trained mental health provider. 

My hope for this article is that it has helped to shine a more honest light on what mindfulness is in our daily lives. The voice of the comedian in the opening, the magazine covers, what we see on social media are all distortions of the core of mindfulness. The core of returning to ourselves and our awareness. 

Please also know, this is a beginning for me, too! Although I have been practicing mindfulness for quite a while, I have never written a piece on mindfulness before! I would be happy to answer any lingering questions you may have or point you towards additional resources for your specific needs. Reach out here

If you want more on this topic:

Another blog post on mindfulness meditation here

Toni Talks Therapy podcast episode on an experiment: 366 days of meditation

3 Benefits of Acceptance

Acceptance is hard work. Especially during trying times like these.

But, the truth is, we suffer when we don't accept reality as it is. And to be clear, acceptance doesn't mean approving of reality--it just means seeing reality clearly. When you're suffering, you are saying it must be otherwise immediately, or ruminating on how awful it is, or beating yourself up for feeling a certain way about it. I'd put money on this making you feel worse. More angry, more anxious, more shame, more defeated.

It's because you are fighting reality. It's because you're trying to tell yourself that you shouldn't feel this way and to feel other than you feel. This is invalidation at it's most painful. It takes the pain you are already feeling--depression, anxiety, fear, dissatisfaction with your life--and multiplies it by 100. Because now you're feeling the pain of the initial emotion or event, and ALSO the pain of telling yourself how bad it is, how you should feel differently, and how wrong you are for feeling it.

Suffering, right now, might look like “I hate this. I’m sick of being stuck at home. I should feel grateful because others are suffering more than I am. I should be super productive right now. I shouldn’t feel so anxious and afraid. This is never going to end.”

Acceptance, on the other hand, is acknowledging what IS. Years ago, when I was first grappling with acceptance, I wrote the definition in my journal. "To believe or come to recognize as valid or correct." Now, correct does not mean "right" or "good". To me, it just means "true". Acceptance is just seeing the truth of reality.

Acceptance might sound like “this is a collective trauma and it hurts.”

Acceptance helps you:

1) Validate your emotional experience. As it relates to the virus, it makes hella sense why you're afraid, angry, depressed and worried. These are appropriate emotional responses to a global pandemic. You're allowed to feel how you feel. Let's not judge ourselves for having feelings. Acceptance does not mean you are *approving* of the feeling, it just means you're naming it for what it is without all the other junk attached.

2) Give yourself compassion. This is hard. You are not in this alone. What is happening is not okay, but it’s okay that it's hard. Like Brene Brown shared on her podcast recently, this is all of our fucking first time (FFT) in a pandemic. We’re doing our best. It's okay that you're not finishing every project that's been laying around your house. It's okay that you're not creating that masterpiece you've been considering. It's okay if you're eating emotionally, or irritable with your family. Again, all of this makes sense. None of us have been through this before, and it's okay to do what you need to manage and feel safe *enough* right now.

3) Take effective action. When we demand that reality be different than it is or refuse to accept it, we struggle to respond to reality as it is. Take our government, for example. Insisting that the virus "isn't that bad" slowed down the response and kept us from containing it as well as we could have. This is a story that got told: "it shouldn't be that bad, because that would be an awful thing for the economy, etc etc...", which drove an ineffective response. In comparison, if we could have recognized the reality as it is sooner, we would have had a more effective response. When we get the story and the judgement out of the way, we can be far more effective in our responses.

Again, acceptance is not condoning what you're feeling or resigning to the way things are. It is removing judgement so that you can chart a compassionate path forward. 

HOW? I hear you asking.

1) Notice when you're fighting reality. Begin to call attention to the signs that you’re not accepting reality. You'll probably notice physical tension, painful emotions arising, negative self-talk, and lots of stories about what should be happening.

2) Name what you're feeling, and the reality you are fighting. Name this objectively, as though you’re a completely impartial observer. This can help you recognize what is reality, and what is the story you’ve attached to it.

3) Turn your mind towards acceptance (this comes straight from DBT, my friends). Choose acceptance over and over and over again. I found mantras really helpful here. Write down daily the things you are trying to accept.

4) More self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others. My mantra here is “it makes sense that…”. It makes sense that I’m feeling afraid in the midst of a pandemic. It makes sense that I’m feeling more on edge. It makes sense that I’m feeling angry about the suffering in the world.

I’m working on this with you right now, fam, because I find myself doing a lot of what-if-ing and ruminating on how I should feel better about things by now. I’m practicing validation, meditation, connection and creating new routines to help me accept the reality of the moment.

How are you, can you, or will you practice acceptance today?