The holidays are often full of strained communication. We’re spending more time with family and friends, and things can get…awkward and uncomfortable and tense.
Is your goal a specific objective? Do you want your uncle to change his mind about impeachment? Do you want your mom to change how many questions she asks you about when you’re getting married? Do you want your friend to show up on time for Friendsgiving? These are examples of objectives as the primary goal of the interaction. Get clear on what those objectives are and stay connected to those goals throughout the conversation so you don’t get sidetracked by other things.
Is your goal to maintain your own self-respect? How do you want to think and feel about yourself after this conversation? Do you want to make sure you spoke your truth honestly, clearly and kindly? Do you want to be an advocate for what you believe in? Do you want to feel grounded and proud of how you composed yourself? These are examples of self-respect objectives. If this is your first priority, get clear on how you want to look back on yourself in this interaction.
Is your goal to maintain the health of the relationship? Do you want the other person to perceive you as well-informed and calm? Do you want the conversation to remain peaceful because you know fights lead to months of silence? Do you want to be seen as kind and thoughtful, even in disagreement? These might show that the relationship is your first priority. Spend some time getting clear on how you want the relationship to be after this interaction. Yes, you only have control over half of this, but it can help you make sure you are showing up in the way you want to.
These are all skills from DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) focusing on interpersonal effectiveness. They’re super helpful to revisit this time of year for some reason…
So, your goal might be to achieve an objective, to maintain your own self-respect, or to maintain the relationship. (It might also be, and often is, all three). DBT has some great acronyms (Dialectical Behavior Therapy; they love their acronyms!) to help you have more effective conversation.
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For objectives effectiveness, DEAR MAN
Describe the situation objectively and clearly, using only the facts. Imagine you're a fly on the wall or an impartial observer, and use *that* to describe. Not "you're being an asshole", but rather, "you haven't been home for a week and when you get here you work instead of spending time with me."
Express how you feel with an “I statement”. Be honest about how you are feeling, and make sure to speak from yourself using actual feeling words. Not "I feel like you're ignoring me", rather, "I feel lonely and angry."
Assert your need/request clearly and unequivocally, don’t sugarcoat or beat around the bush. Clarity will really help you here, to be sure the other person understands exactly what you're asking for. "I would like you not to work when you're home and spend time with me."
Reinforce the person meeting your request by explaining why they should. Give them a reason to meet your need, rather than pushing them away. "I really think we would both enjoy spending more time together, and you would probably be less stressed."
Mindful of what you’re going for, don’t get distracted by other things. If they bring up a different topic, or if you feel drawn to bring up another issue, stick to this single topic. "I don't want to get off track, let's talk about that other thing tomorrow."
Appear confident, even if you’re not, make eye contact, don’t mumble, stand up straight, speak clearly and calmly. Breathe.
Negotiate if needed. You may not get exactly what you are asking for, remember to compromise if appropriate to find something that works for both of you.
For relationship effectiveness, GIVE:
Gentle in your approach
Interested in what the other person has to say and what they feel, practice listening to them as much as you are talking.
Validate the other person, let them know you understand how they feel (even if you don’t agree).
Easy Manner--don’t approach with too much intensity, let the conversation be light, possibly bring in some humor.
For self-respect effectiveness, FAST:
Fair--be fair to both yourself and the person you’re talking to. Consider the other person and incorporate that into the conversation.
(no) Apologies--you are allowed to ask for this or to set this boundary. Don’t apologize for how you feel or what you’re requesting. It’s okay to have needs and express them, and it’s okay to disagree.
Stick to your values. Don’t compromise what you value to please the other person or avoid conflict. Stand by what you believe in and what is important to you, while keeping these other practices in mind.
Truthfulness. Don’t lie, exaggerate, or judge harshly. Stick to the facts and be honest about what you need and how you feel.
What are your thoughts? Let us know in the comments!