3 Crucial Communication Skills

The holidays are often full of strained communication. We’re spending more time with family and friends, and things can get…awkward and uncomfortable and tense.

Is your goal a specific objective? Do you want your uncle to change his mind about impeachment? Do you want your mom to change how many questions she asks you about when you’re getting married? Do you want your friend to show up on time for Friendsgiving? These are examples of objectives as the primary goal of the interaction. Get clear on what those objectives are and stay connected to those goals throughout the conversation so you don’t get sidetracked by other things.

Is your goal to maintain your own self-respect? How do you want to think and feel about yourself after this conversation? Do you want to make sure you spoke your truth honestly, clearly and kindly? Do you want to be an advocate for what you believe in? Do you want to feel grounded and proud of how you composed yourself? These are examples of self-respect objectives. If this is your first priority, get clear on how you want to look back on yourself in this interaction.

Is your goal to maintain the health of the relationship? Do you want the other person to perceive you as well-informed and calm? Do you want the conversation to remain peaceful because you know fights lead to months of silence? Do you want to be seen as kind and thoughtful, even in disagreement? These might show that the relationship is your first priority. Spend some time getting clear on how you want the relationship to be after this interaction. Yes, you only have control over half of this, but it can help you make sure you are showing up in the way you want to.

These are all skills from DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) focusing on interpersonal effectiveness. They’re super helpful to revisit this time of year for some reason…

So, your goal might be to achieve an objective, to maintain your own self-respect, or to maintain the relationship. (It might also be, and often is, all three). DBT has some great acronyms (Dialectical Behavior Therapy; they love their acronyms!) to help you have more effective conversation.

-

For objectives effectiveness, DEAR MAN

Describe the situation objectively and clearly, using only the facts. Imagine you're a fly on the wall or an impartial observer, and use *that* to describe. Not "you're being an asshole", but rather, "you haven't been home for a week and when you get here you work instead of spending time with me."

Express how you feel with an “I statement”. Be honest about how you are feeling, and make sure to speak from yourself using actual feeling words. Not "I feel like you're ignoring me", rather, "I feel lonely and angry."

Assert your need/request clearly and unequivocally, don’t sugarcoat or beat around the bush. Clarity will really help you here, to be sure the other person understands exactly what you're asking for. "I would like you not to work when you're home and spend time with me."

Reinforce the person meeting your request by explaining why they should. Give them a reason to meet your need, rather than pushing them away. "I really think we would both enjoy spending more time together, and you would probably be less stressed."

Mindful of what you’re going for, don’t get distracted by other things. If they bring up a different topic, or if you feel drawn to bring up another issue, stick to this single topic. "I don't want to get off track, let's talk about that other thing tomorrow."

Appear confident, even if you’re not, make eye contact, don’t mumble, stand up straight, speak clearly and calmly. Breathe.

Negotiate if needed. You may not get exactly what you are asking for, remember to compromise if appropriate to find something that works for both of you.

For relationship effectiveness, GIVE:

Gentle in your approach

Interested in what the other person has to say and what they feel, practice listening to them as much as you are talking.

Validate the other person, let them know you understand how they feel (even if you don’t agree).

Easy Manner--don’t approach with too much intensity, let the conversation be light, possibly bring in some humor.

For self-respect effectiveness, FAST:

Fair--be fair to both yourself and the person you’re talking to. Consider the other person and incorporate that into the conversation.

(no) Apologies--you are allowed to ask for this or to set this boundary. Don’t apologize for how you feel or what you’re requesting. It’s okay to have needs and express them, and it’s okay to disagree.

Stick to your values. Don’t compromise what you value to please the other person or avoid conflict. Stand by what you believe in and what is important to you, while keeping these other practices in mind.

Truthfulness. Don’t lie, exaggerate, or judge harshly. Stick to the facts and be honest about what you need and how you feel.

What are your thoughts? Let us know in the comments!

The 10 Principles of Intuitive Eating

There is so much to say about Intuitive Eating, where do I even start?!  To me, Intuitive Eating is based on two ideas:

1.      Diets don’t work. (Voluntary starvation, aka dieting by restricting calories, and famine feel the same to our biology.)

2.      Our bodies have an innate wisdom and can regulate themselves, if only we will start to listen.

We live in a world over run by “diet culture”. That is: we are taught certain foods are “good” and should be eaten often (i.e. kale, celery juice) and other foods are “bad” and should never be eaten (i.e. donuts, fries). We are taught that our health outcomes rely MAINLY on our diets and exercise habits. We are taught that being fat is “bad” and we must diet to lose the weight. Oh, and if the diet doesn’t work and you don’t lose the weight? We are taught that there is something wrong with US, that we somehow failed.

Well, what if I told you all of this is just a pile of garbage?

What if it’s all a 60-billion-dollar industry created to make you feel crappy about yourself so you’ll give more money to them even though dieting fails 95% of the time but people are still being prescribed it by their well-meaning doctors who are also teaching that being fat will lead to inevitable death and you must avoid it at all costs and don’t eat the candy from the front desk on your way out because that will kill you also.

A HOT. STEAMING. PILE OF GARBAGE, MY FRIENDS.

Insert Intuitive Eating: A set of principles that have been researched and peer reviewed and created to help you heal your relationship with food. The days of banishing fast food, candy, and other “junk foods” are GONE, and the days of food freedom are HERE.

Intuitive Eating functions via 10 principles (read the book, Intuitive Eating (3rd edition or bust!) or check out their website for a more complete breakdown of each):

1.      Reject the Diet Mentality:

Break up with dieting and get angry at the lies you were fed. Accept that dieting doesn’t work and sets you up to fail. Remember that voluntary starvation (aka dieting) and famine feel the same to your cells.

2.      Honor Your Hunger:

If you are hungry, EAT. Doesn’t matter if it’s after 6:00pm or if all you have available to you is half of your kid’s lunchbox. Give your body the fuel it needs to keep going. Bonus points: Learn to identify what hunger feels like for you. Maybe the first sign is becoming tired, or a headache, or being grouchy.

3.      Make Peace with Food:

All food is good food. Give yourself permission to eat ANY food. Yes, even that deliciously, greasy thing that you’re scared will kill you. The more you tell yourself you can’t have something… the more you are going to want it! It’s typical scarcity mentality. Also, pay attention to what foods you “binge” on (or treat like you are eating the Last Supper) and consider that maybe these binges are caused by banning them in the first place.

4.      Challenge the Food Police:

Get rid of the belief that you are “good” for eating “healthy” foods and “bad” for eating cake. You are not what you eat. Our mental Food Police exist courtesy of diet culture, so don’t shame yourself for having these thoughts. Challenge them!

5.      Respect Your Fullness:

Listen to your body when it says it is not hungry anymore. Know what it feels like when you are full. Check in with yourself throughout a meal and ask yourself how you are feeling. And if you are full but the food is really good? Remember that you (most likely) have UNLIMITED access to this food! You can get more ice cream later! It is not the Last Supper, although if you’ve been on many diets, it may feel this way.

6.      Discover the Satisfaction Factor:

No food is going to taste as good as when it was off limits. That doesn’t mean food has to be boring from here on out! Eating can be a fun and satisfying experience.

7.      Honor Your Feelings Without Using Food:

It is ok if food is a coping skill, it just shouldn’t be the only one. Learn how to resolve your feelings without using food. Food will not fix your anxiety, boredom, loneliness, or anger. Only you can do that.

8.      Respect Your Body:

Accept your genes, whatever size they leave you at. We don’t shame people for their foot size, so why for their body size? Celebrate the diversity in body shape and don’t put expectations on yourself that are unrealistic. Get rid of anything that doesn’t fit your body for how it is NOW, even if it means restocking your entire wardrobe.

9.      Exercise – Feel the Difference:

Stop exercising with the goal of losing weight or compensating for calories. Focus on what it feels like to move your body, and choose movement that makes you happy. If you hate running, stop running! Start playing basketball, going for a swim, or something else you find fun. If you’re trying to make yourself do something you hate by shaming yourself with weight loss… psychologically speaking it probably won’t work.

10.  Honor Your Health:

You can use Gentle Nutrition and make food choices that honor your health and taste good! Some foods have more nutritious content than others, it’s true! However, I believe this is last for a reason: If you try to do this while still subscribing to “good” and “bad” foods and shaming yourself, you probably aren’t going to want any healthful foods. Or you will feel like you are forcing yourself. And if you’ve been dieting, chance are it will be a while before you’re craving a salad (if ever!). AND THAT’S OK. Remember, your body is smart and can regulate itself. After having so many burgers you will just feel… done. And move on to something else!

It’s a lot of info. In therapy we break it down little by little. We talk about your past with food, where your food rules came from, what foods are “good” and “bad” and fears of allowing all food into your diet. We talk a lot about identity and self-compassion. And most importantly: What your life would be like if food weren’t the biggest focus of your day. That’s a lottttt of time and mental energy that could be redirected into other things!

Still not convinced? That’s ok! You don’t need to come to therapy 100% convinced that Intuitive Eating is the answer. It’s completely normal to be hesitant. What I ask is this: You’ve already tried dieting and it hasn’t worked, so what’s stopping you from trying this?

Come see me and let’s talk.

Best,

Emily

(Intuitive Eating principles adapted from https://www.intuitiveeating.org/10-principles-of-intuitive-eating/)

(Studies on intuitive eating https://www.intuitiveeating.org/resources/studies/)

Curious and want to learn more? schedule your free consultation now!

Tips for Self-Care: It's More Than Just Treating Yourself

“Self-care” is such a buzzword lately--I’d like to help you break down what it actually means, and what self-care might look like for you.

First things first: it isn't always “TREAT YO'SELF”. This is often the image we get when we think of self-care: relaxing, spa days, mani/pedis, glasses of wine in the bathtub. Yes, these can be self-care. But sometimes self-care is HARD--like setting a clear boundary with your partner or buckling down on your to-do list.

Self-care is about supporting your health and well-being, which means the intention behind your self-care matters.

If you’re drinking wine in the bathtub because you’re avoiding a hard but necessary conversation, that’s not self-care...it’s avoidance. But if you’re doing it because you know you have had a long day and need to relax, then it’s self-care.

If you’re going to the gym to “make up” for the cheeseburger you ate last night--that’s not self-care, it’s punishment and does not actually support your well-being. But if you’re taking an extra barre class because you love the community, encouragement, and bumpin’ playlists, *that’s* self-care.

Try to add nuance to what you consider self-care. If what you’re doing is with the intention of improving your well-being, coming from a place of kindness and self-compassion--*that’s* self-care.

Second things second: let’s talk about GUILT. The bugaboo of self-care.

You might be avoiding self-care because you don’t feel like you deserve it. Your energy is going into taking care of other people--your partner, your kids, your friends, your coworkers--and you worry that taking time away from them to care for yourself makes you look selfish.

You might push through your cold symptoms until you’re so sick that you HAVE to stay home from work. You might ignore signs of burnout and anxiety until you NEED a long vacation to recover. You might grit your teeth and keep taking care of other people until one day you just lose it. 

Sure, as humans, we are primed to react instead of prevent. We don’t feel we need to act on something until the consequences are right in our face. But…“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

And here’s the thing, friend: SELF-CARE IS NOT SELFISH. You don’t have to earn it or prove that you need it.

You deserve to be cared for, especially by yourself. You are a wonderful human being, and taking care of yourself actually helps you be *more wonderful* to the other people you care for. You won’t be as tired, disconnected or burned out. When you put yourself at the top of your list, you end up being more present, energized and compassionate to everyone. I call that a win-win.

Now that we’ve got those two misconceptions out of the way...we can talk about the different facets of self-care. I break it down into three main areas:

ONE: PHYSICAL HEALTH

Know that physical health is about how you move and nourish your body, as well as your relationship to your body. Try to do this arena of self-care with an attitude of respect, compassion and appreciation for your body, no matter what shape and size it is. We are healthier all around when we disconnect our appearance from our health.

Caring for your physical health should always include basics like sleep (I put this at number one for everyone), drink water, shower, brush your teeth, and eat healthy (whatever that means for you, knowing that eating healthy is not just about *what* you eat, but also about your *relationship* to food).

It should also include things like joyful movement and seeing your doctor and dentist regularly (yes, even though you’re not a kid anymore, you should still be getting yearly check-ups!). 

Attending to your physical health might also include extras like a manicure, long baths or a massage. TREAT YO SELF (but reasonably. Part of self-care is also attending to your financial situation).

Experiment with what makes your body feel good and helps you feel good in your body, and do those things regularly.

TWO: EMOTIONAL HEALTH

This section of self-care is MY JAM. Your emotional health is just as important as your physical health. In fact, your emotional health *directly impacts* your physical health. High levels of chronic stress, for example, can inhibit your immune system and make you more susceptible to short-term or even chronic illness. Your emotional and mental experiences are powerful forces. Take care of yourself here.

Emotional self-care can include daily emotional check ins, journaling, meditation and going to therapy.

Practice getting in touch with your emotional experience. Feel your feelings, rather than avoiding them or pushing them away. Even when you avoid them, they find a way to get felt later on, so you might as well do it now! Notice where you feel your emotions in your body; observe the sensations that are associated with each feeling state (for example: stress, for me, feels like nausea, loss of appetite, tightness in my chest, and tension in my shoulders). Name the emotion you feel: sadness, anxiety, happiness, contentment, love, grief, etc. Just naming an emotion has a huge amount of power. Then, observe the *thoughts* that are happening alongside that emotion. For example, my stress often comes with thoughts like “I’m never going to get this blog post done; When will I have time to do my laundry this week?” Observe these thoughts, and practice mindfully thanking them for their service, and grounding back into the present moment. Mindfulness meditation is the single best tool I know for emotional health. I could write an entire other post about that--for another day! 

Express your emotions, to yourself and to someone else. Finding support is amazing here.

Remember, emotions are information, and motivators for action. Acknowledge and listen to them without judging yourself.

Notice an emotion and tend to it right away. Go to therapy, journal and meditate and you will have fewer panic attacks, experience less depression, feel less stressed and more present. Attend to your emotions, and do your self-care plan EVEN WHEN YOU FEEL FINE.

THREE: SOCIAL/SPIRITUAL HEALTH

Connection is healing, y’all. Caring for yourself socially and spiritually can include things like time with friends, playing with your pet, prayer, and being in nature. Even if you’re an introvert, you still need connection. 

Find what makes you feel connected to people and the world/higher power/the universe (whatever spirituality is for you) and put those things on your self-care list. Healing doesn’t happen in isolation, and doesn’t work as well when we are disconnected from our place within the whole.

Create a self-care plan for yourself!

Take some time to reflect on what you already know works for you in each of these three areas. Come up with a long list of self-care actions, both the “treat yo’self” kind and the more difficult kind. Write these things down in your journal! This list can become your menu when you make time for yourself (every day), both when times are good and when times are rough. You don’t need to do all the things all the time, but aim for at least a few from each category consistently. 

And remember: self-care is not selfish. You deserve it. Take care of yourself.

With love,

Toni

P.S. Therapy is a great way to access self-care! Schedule a free 20 minute consultation here!