5 Tips for Talking To Your Partner about Couples Therapy

by Sophie Foster, LMFTA

Couples therapy can be helpful for couples to navigate their communication challenges, sex and intimacy issues, financial hardships, unhelpful relationship habits, and emotional disconnection. How to approach your partner about starting couples therapy may feel stressful and daunting. In this post, we'll share 5 tips on how to navigate this conversation with your partner.

#1 Ask Your Partner About Their Thoughts On Couples Therapy

This conversation takes lots of courage! The idea of individual therapy, couples, or family therapy may feel scary or overwhelming to many people, especially if they've never been to therapy before. There is a lot of stigma about therapy out in the world. There are also a lot of judgments about couples therapy itself.

Ask your partner, what is their view on therapy? Share with them what you think about couples therapy and how you think it could be helpful. Having an open and honest conversation together allows you both to share your thoughts and beliefs on therapy. Try to listen and identify any assumptions before challenging them and gently remind your partner about the reason behind your desire to attend couples therapy together, which is ultimately to better your relationship.

You may be avoiding the conversation with your partner because you're assuming they think couples therapy is stupid, or just for couples who want to split up (both are myths about couples therapy). Rather than making assumptions about what they think, ask them directly what their thoughts are on therapy and you can go from there. They might surprise you!

Approach the conversation with a statement like, "I feel nervous to bring this up to you because I care about our relationship and I worry you might take this the wrong way. I would like to discuss what you and I both think about the idea of couples therapy. I think writing down a pro's and con's list together could help us work better as a team and hear each other’s opinions better." Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. These are the tough conversations that will help you grow as a partner.

#2 Don’t Point Fingers (Avoid the Blame Game)

This tip helps set up the conversation for success. Avoiding blame can increase the likelihood that your partner is more open to couples therapy. Avoid going tit-for-tat, which is not helpful in general, and will not encourage your partner to go to couples therapy with you.  Take a few deep breaths and be gentle to yourself, and your partner. Using soft, gentle, and kind language while talking to your partner about your desire to attend couples therapy will create a safe place where defensiveness and criticism are decreased.  For example, if you are so upset with your partner and you don't think you can be gentle with them, I would ask to revisit the conversation when you both feel calmer and more able to be kind to each other, instead of using couples therapy as a threat or an ultimatum.

It is helpful to frame the conversation around what you want out of therapy as a team, and not what your partner "needs to fix." Approach the conversation by saying "I would really like to learn more about myself in this relationship through therapy and find better ways to support myself and you."

Try using "I" statements, such as "I am worried about how much we have been arguing and I feel like it would be helpful to seek professional help." This statement is specific, takes ownership, and avoids the blame and shame.

For example, how to bring up therapy when money is an issue, try using this statement with your partner, "I would really like to discuss our financial goals together, such as retirement plans, payoff debt, and home ownership. How do you feel about talking through this together with a therapist so we have someone objective to keep our conversations on track?"

Starting off with "I" statements shows that you are speaking about how you feel and not for your partner; ending with an open-ended question helps your partner have the space to share their perspective.

Try using this statement when infidelity has occurred: "I would really like to discuss going to couples therapy as an opportunity to rebuild us as a team and repair our relationship." Prepare yourself and your partner that you care about this relationship and are seeking to rebuild honesty and trust together. "I believe couples therapy can be a space to facilitate the hard conversations that I am struggling to have with you. I think therapy can provide us both with ways to better support each other."

Make sure to check in with yourself during these tough, emotional conversations. Your personal healing is a priority too.

#3 Listen Openly and Actively

As we all have been told at a young age, “put on your listening ears!” This conversation matters to you, and your partner may feel differently about the topic. Your partner may have a completely different perspective on couples therapy than you AND that is okay!  It's important to try to be curious about their experience and their thoughts.

Try to listen non-defensively, by asking yourself, what does it feel like in your body to when you feel defensive? What might my partner be feeling right now?

Noticing that and what is coming up for you and building empathy for your partner’s experience (even if you disagree with them) can help prevent and reduce the likelihood of defensiveness coming up. Take a few long deep breaths and check in with yourself about how you want to best show up in this conversation. Practicing this will help calm your brain and body down from reactions toward defensiveness.

#4 Consider Individual Therapy, too

Seeking individual therapy in addition to couples therapy can help you gain a different perspective, take accountability, and learn better skills and tools to help support yourself and your partner better. Even if you don’t go to couples therapy, individual therapy can be a useful space for you to process your feelings on your own, which can help you show up better in your relationship or the couples therapy process.

This space can help you break barriers, unhealthy patterns, and attachment wounds that are preventing you from progressing and growing with your partner. Individual therapy can be used to help you learn more about yourself and how to be a better partner. Working on yourself and putting in the time and effort towards your own healing journey, may help you feel more prepared for couples therapy.

#5 Discuss Next Steps

If you and your partner have come to an agreement about going to couples therapy, there may be other things preventing you both from attending. For example, you may have childcare needs to figure out or conflicting work schedules; in these cases, Telehealth may work better than in-person sessions. Taking the extra time to sort those areas out together, before seeking therapy can better prepare you both to prioritize couples therapy together.

Having a conversation together about specific qualities you're wanting within a therapist helps you both know what you are looking for in a therapist. Riverbank Therapy offers free 20-minute consultations that allow you to see if you would be a good fit with the couple therapist before committing to a session with them. This time can be used to ask any questions or concerns you and your partner may have towards couples therapy and clarify what you are looking for.

Dr. Sue Johnson, couples therapist, developer of Emotion-Focused Therapy, stated “Being the ‘best you can be’ is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.”

Check out Sue Johnsons books that help navigate relationships:

• Hold me Tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love  

• Love Sense: the revolutionary new science of romantic relationships 

You might also read other books to read together as a couple. Check out our blog post here on books recommended by another one of our couples therapists in Seattle:

Human connection is important and essential. We all crave and desire it. Strong relationships are valuable. Take your time while navigating what therapy means to you, having this conversation with your partner, and finding a couples therapist that works for you. I wish you the best in your healing journey with your partner!

If you’re in Washington state or the Seattle area, we have in person and virtual couples therapists with immediate openings. Click here to book a free 20 minute consultation now!

3 Books I'm Reading as a Marriage and Family Therapist

by Abby Birk, LMFT

1. Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

What it's about:

Written by the Relationship & Boundaries Expert herself, Nedra Glover Tawwab puts together a comprehensive primer on how to navigate various kinds of dysfunctional familial relationships. She takes the time to break down what boundaries, neglect, abuse, and resentment are and how they show up in relationships with people who are difficult to keep in our lives.

Who it's for:

This book is for you, the client! This is a great crash course in family therapy ideas as a way to get you started or help you move forward in your healing journey around difficult family dynamics. The language is straight-forward, well-laid out, and not too clinical.

How to use the information:

The illustrations and vignettes throughout the book demonstrate how dysfunctional patterns show up in many families, regardless of other factors. This helps normalize that those who have difficulty staying in relationship with their family members (parents, caregivers, siblings, extended family, etc.) are not alone or broken.

My favorite part of the book is the call to own your agency and let go of what you do not have control over. We all need the reminder that we cannot control other people or their reactions or their capacity for change. What we can control is if we choose to have them in our lives or not and how we go about doing so on our terms. Nedra often will just flat out say that some relationships are not worth the pain and suffering of crossed boundaries, failed expectations, and emotional chaos.

She also shows you how to move forward with those you do choose to keep in your life even if it costs you something. By teaching several important skills like acceptance, boundary setting AND enforcing, direct communication skills and how to use them in specific situations with certain family members, Nedra can build your confidence in how to continue navigating important but less than ideal relationships in your life.

2. Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life

by: Vanessa Marin, LMFT & Xander Marin

What it's about:

This book is about demystifying how to talk about sex in your romantic, intimate, and sexual relationships. Vanessa, a sex therapist, and her husband, Xander, break down "the talk" into 5 conversations that build well on each other, covering the basics of how to start talking about sex with a partner, how to offer feedback, how to initiate sex, and how to make specific asks of your partner. There's also a lot of normalizing and educational information about couples, sexuality, orgasm, arousal, and communication that is included throughout.

Who it's for:

You! And your partner or partners! The book is written in a very approachable, informative, and accessible voice so that you can read it solo or with a partner or read separately and then talk about it together with someone.

Therapists, too! As an LMFT myself, I knew a lot of this information, but having it all in one place with some amazing, hands-on, concrete exercises that I can introduce to couples in session or for homework makes this book super useful to therapists!

How to use the information:

In her many, many years working with couples as a sex therapist and their many, many polls of their massive Instagram audience, Vanessa and Xander realized that people were pretty bad about talking about sex within their relationships. They wanted to create a guidebook for how to get the most out of your sexual relationship by learning how to communicate about needs, wants, desires, and feedback so that people could receive the connection and pleasure so many are desperately seeking in their relationships.

I recommend reading this book with your partner(s) or reading it separately and then deciding on a time to discuss, if you or your partner(s) prefer to take time to process internally before discussing ideas externally. The book serves as a great catalyst for important conversations all while it serves to improve the skill, quality, and effectiveness of said conversations!

Therapists can use this as a resource for couples who are struggling with conversations around sex and need some brushing up on their communication or initiation skills. I also recommend using the exercises in session with couples or assigning them for homework to encourage couples to prioritize time to discuss sex, connection, and pleasure in their relationships.

3. Mating in Captivity

by:  Esther Perel

What it's about:

Perel, one of the world's leading couples therapists, puts together information about the changing landscape of romantic love and committed relationships. Modern love comes with new challenges and expectations than ever before, like getting most of your needs met by one person for the rest of your life whereas in a significant chunk of history, relationships served as business or economic transactions and romance/love were largely kept out of the marital union (which wasn't even expected to last too long considering the age expectancy was significantly low for much of human history). Taking all these shifts and changes into account, Perel provides anecdotes and case studies from her collective experience with a variety of diverse couples to highlight the needs of modern couples and how to make secure commitment last along with sexual desire and eroticism.

Who it's for:

This is for the modern couple, people in a committed relationship, people dating, people who are wondering if monogamy is for them, people who are monogamous who have not intentionally explored or addressed relationship expectations and how that shapes our satisfaction in our relationships. It's for those who want to learn more about relationships and the science and art of long-term erotic and committed love. It's for those who are asking how do I see my long-term partner with fresh eyes again? How do we get that spark back and why is it gone? How do we feel secure in our relationship and also sexy? Perel answers questions like these and more while teaching how we got here, considerations for relationships in the here and now, and how to tend eroticism in your relationship while enjoying the benefits of secure commitment.

How to use the information:

I use a lot of the information from this book in session with my couples. I draw from this book when I validate their frustrations, fears, and unfulfilled expectations. You can use this book to dispel common myths and set appropriate and healthy expectations of each other that lead to success instead of disappointment. Many couples face similar problems you are experiencing in your relationship(s) and are represented in this book to give you a new perspective on old issues, providing new paths forward. Perel suggests creating healthy space in the relationship that honors each person as an autonomous individual, that does not threaten the "WE" of the relationship but creates more sexual tension between the "YOU" and "ME". The idea is that eroticism thrives in the space between partners; and so, learning how to create and tend this space over time in our relationships is vital to our satisfaction within the relationship. This is why I consider Mating in Captivity required reading for today's couples and encourage you to pick it up.

There's always more to learn about relationships and how we relate to one another. Consider opening up these books with a curious to mind to see what information might support you and where you're at with your relationships. You may also use these books as a catalyst for conversations with your own individual or couples therapist. Enjoy!

We have therapists with openings here at Riverbank Therapy. Click here to connect with our intake coordinator and schedule your free 20 minute consultation!

Want to read more on this topic? Check our this blog on 7 Tips for Better Emotional Connection, or this one on pre-marital counseling!

7 Tips for Better Emotional Connection With Your Partner

by Abby Birk, LMFT

In a post-lockdown world, I can't think of anything more important than mindfully and intentionally connecting with those we love,. Not just maintaining our close connections, but nurturing them with intention and care. Whether you are in a new relationship or in a long-term partnership, married or dating, these tips can inspire new ways to improve emotional closeness and connection with your partner. I encourage you to personalize the tips to your relationship, allowing your own creativity to influence how you might apply these research-backed suggestions!

Tip #1: Daily Compliments

According to Prepare/Enrich, a major premarital counseling program, one of the simplest ways to increase emotional connection and feelings of positivity in your relationship is to intentionally and generously compliment your partner daily. Compliments convey gratitude, affection, respect, and admiration, which are crucial for building a solid foundation for emotional connection and intimacy. Sometimes we get so caught up in the habit of our daily routines that we can't remember the last time we gave our partner a flirty compliment of how attracted we are to them or an honest affirmation of the hard work we see them putting in to their big project or our household chores. Experiment with offering your partner more daily compliments to better set the stage for emotional intimacy and closeness.

Tip #2: Daily De-Stressing Conversation

I see the daily Stress-Reducing Conversation from the Gottman Couples Method as an essential building block for emotional intimacy. Cultivating the ability to support each other day to day with various stressors outside of your relationship from work or home, personal or relational, can make the difference between feeling like a connected couple or a disconnected duo. While the De-stressing Convo is pretty straightforward, it is encouraged to personalize and adapt it to your own relationship's needs. Typically the rules go like this:

• One Speaker and one Listener

• Speaker talks as in depth and in detail as they want about any stress or stressors they have outside of the relationship (and can also include things they feel positive or grateful for or are looking forward to).

• Listener shows interest, eye contact, affection, and solidarity with Speaker

• When Speaker is done talking, Listener summarizes what they heard Speaker say and asks, "Do you feel heard/understood?"

• Speaker corrects Listener if needed, who then edits their summary until Speaker feels satisfied with summary and feels heard.

• Speaker and Listener may only then switch roles.

It is important to be on your partner's side, like their cheerleader or best friend...sharing in their feelings, triumphs, and sorrows, without making these your own issues or your problems to solve. Listener's goal is to ACTIVELY LISTEN; showing the Speaker that you are paying attention and taking in the meaning of what they are saying, paying particular attention to the emotions they are expressing. This can look like nodding your head, maintaining eye contact, shifting your body to face your partner, holding their hand, following along with "Mhm"s and "Wow, that sounds tough!" Focus on the emotion words your partner is using, this makes for easier and more meaningful validation and summary statements: "You sound frustrated about that coworker!" "You are hurt and saddened by how your mom chose to talk to you today over the phone."

So many couples struggle with taking on their partner's stresses or trying to come up with solutions prematurely. It's important to remember, we all have the desire to be seen and heard, to have our experiences and emotions accepted. This is the goal of the Daily De-stressing Convo -- not solution-finding or fixing how our partner feels!

Tip #3: Increase the frequency and variety of your non-sexual touch

Disconnected couples can fall into the trap of not touching their partner unless they are attempting to initiate sex. Therefore, it is important to be giving and not goal-seeking when offering physical touch as a way to connect with our partner, otherwise we run the risk of associating physical touch with pressure or expectation for more. Non-sexual touch includes physical forms of affection such as cuddling, massaging, tickling, rubbing, holding hands, sitting together with limbs touching, hugging, even kissing. The idea is to get creative with the variety and frequency of touch that you are utilizing to convey affection to your partner so that you are not only using touch to initiate sex or intercourse. Remember, people have different preferences for amounts and types of physical touch they enjoy. Please always honor your partner's boundaries and preferences for the amount and type of touch they would like to experience when engaging in nonsexual and sexual touch.

Tip #4: Play Together

Disconnected couples don't often make time or space for play and fun in their relationship. It's easy to forget that relationships take effort, investment, and nurturing to thrive -- just like a plant or any other living thing. And just like other living things, relationships die when they are neglected. Play is defined differently from couple to couple: board games, date nights, concerts, trying a new activity, learning a new skill, cooking class, wrestling, traveling, laughing together...are all ways we can connect with our partners with play. Play is not only something children need, adults need play, too, we just don't make as much time for it as we should. Here is your reminder to be intentional and make room for play in your relationship so you can connect further over experiences of joy and pleasure. Who doesn't want more of that in their lives?

Tip #5: Check in about it

Sometimes the best approach is the direct approach. To increase emotional connection, it might be best to simply ask what would help your partner feel more connected to you. Take turns answering these questions from Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin, LMFT:

• "What are 3-5 specific things that help you feel connected to me?"

• "What are your 3-5 favorite ways to receive love?"

• "What are your 3-5 favorite ways to show me your love?"

As a bonus tip, make this a weekly ritual checking in about what each of you need to feel connected or supported this coming week, keeping in mind that our answers  can change hour to hour and day to day (so it's a good idea to keep checking in about it).

Tip #6: Share Your Dreams and Goals

Connected and healthy couples cheer on their partners in accomplishing the goals they set out for themselves. Couples who share a vision and dream of the future are stronger in the face of smaller conflicts and challenges. Even if your dreams differ from your partner or are more specific to you or your career, just sharing your dreams and goals with one another and offering each other support is a profound way to show respect, admiration, and love for your partner. When we feel supported by our partner, we are more likely to be successful in accomplishing our goals! Research shows feeling close and connected to our partners at home actually improves our performance and achievement out there in the world!

Tip #7: Couples Therapy

As a marriage and family therapist, my favorite part of working with couples is being allowed the honor of witnessing couples growing stronger and closer together by addressing challenging patterns and blocks in their relationships. Couples therapy is not only a place for struggling couples, it is also a place for couples who are wanting to learn new and better ways to connect to improve emotional or physical intimacy as a proactive or preventative measure. If you are wanting to invest more time and effort into your relationship, couples therapy can be a lovely option for creating space in your busy schedules to sit down and mindfully nurture your relationship.

And now....

The mission should you choose to accept it....

Select one tip to try out in the next week OR have both you and your partner select an idea from this blog post to try this week without telling the other person what option you chose. Once you've experimented with one of the options above, debrief and discuss how this action led you to feel in terms of emotional connectedness with your partner and vice versa. Eventually, with even more experimentation and exploration, you both will begin to identify a full menu of actions and ideas for drawing closer and improving your sense of closeness with your romantic partner! Most importantly, please remember to have fun with it!

We have couples therapists here at Riverbank Therapy who would be happy to support you as well! Click here to learn more about couples therapy, and fill out our contact form here to schedule your free 20 minute consultation.

5 Steps to Dealing with Shame in Conflict

Shame does not lead to productive conflict. Period!

It typically leads to either: withdrawal, people pleasing, or defensiveness/aggression (see my recent post on shame shields for more on this). None of those responses typically lead to productive conversation.

Here a few steps to try when you're feeling shame-based withdrawal or aggression in a conflict:

1) Take a few deep, slow breaths to calm your nervous system. Take a few minutes away from the other person to collect yourself. It's hard to be clear-headed when we're diving into shame, so take a lil break.

2) Practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself like you would a friend; be cool to yourself. Talk to yourself about why your response makes sense even if it's not productive. Remind yourself that we all get this way in conflict sometimes.

3) Get curious. Ask yourself, how could the other person's position make sense? If you were an impartial observer, what is the person actually saying or asking of you?

4) Practice empathy for both yourself and the other person. What needs are you trying to have met? What needs are they trying to meet? What are you both thinking and feeling? What do you both want for the relationship at the end of this conversation?

5) Consider, what move or request is fair, sticks to your boundaries, and comes with empathy for both the other person and yourself?

This is a practice, and takes time and repetition!

**of course, this does not apply to situations of abuse.

3 Crucial Communication Skills

The holidays are often full of strained communication. We’re spending more time with family and friends, and things can get…awkward and uncomfortable and tense.

Is your goal a specific objective? Do you want your uncle to change his mind about impeachment? Do you want your mom to change how many questions she asks you about when you’re getting married? Do you want your friend to show up on time for Friendsgiving? These are examples of objectives as the primary goal of the interaction. Get clear on what those objectives are and stay connected to those goals throughout the conversation so you don’t get sidetracked by other things.

Is your goal to maintain your own self-respect? How do you want to think and feel about yourself after this conversation? Do you want to make sure you spoke your truth honestly, clearly and kindly? Do you want to be an advocate for what you believe in? Do you want to feel grounded and proud of how you composed yourself? These are examples of self-respect objectives. If this is your first priority, get clear on how you want to look back on yourself in this interaction.

Is your goal to maintain the health of the relationship? Do you want the other person to perceive you as well-informed and calm? Do you want the conversation to remain peaceful because you know fights lead to months of silence? Do you want to be seen as kind and thoughtful, even in disagreement? These might show that the relationship is your first priority. Spend some time getting clear on how you want the relationship to be after this interaction. Yes, you only have control over half of this, but it can help you make sure you are showing up in the way you want to.

These are all skills from DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) focusing on interpersonal effectiveness. They’re super helpful to revisit this time of year for some reason…

So, your goal might be to achieve an objective, to maintain your own self-respect, or to maintain the relationship. (It might also be, and often is, all three). DBT has some great acronyms (Dialectical Behavior Therapy; they love their acronyms!) to help you have more effective conversation.

-

For objectives effectiveness, DEAR MAN

Describe the situation objectively and clearly, using only the facts. Imagine you're a fly on the wall or an impartial observer, and use *that* to describe. Not "you're being an asshole", but rather, "you haven't been home for a week and when you get here you work instead of spending time with me."

Express how you feel with an “I statement”. Be honest about how you are feeling, and make sure to speak from yourself using actual feeling words. Not "I feel like you're ignoring me", rather, "I feel lonely and angry."

Assert your need/request clearly and unequivocally, don’t sugarcoat or beat around the bush. Clarity will really help you here, to be sure the other person understands exactly what you're asking for. "I would like you not to work when you're home and spend time with me."

Reinforce the person meeting your request by explaining why they should. Give them a reason to meet your need, rather than pushing them away. "I really think we would both enjoy spending more time together, and you would probably be less stressed."

Mindful of what you’re going for, don’t get distracted by other things. If they bring up a different topic, or if you feel drawn to bring up another issue, stick to this single topic. "I don't want to get off track, let's talk about that other thing tomorrow."

Appear confident, even if you’re not, make eye contact, don’t mumble, stand up straight, speak clearly and calmly. Breathe.

Negotiate if needed. You may not get exactly what you are asking for, remember to compromise if appropriate to find something that works for both of you.

For relationship effectiveness, GIVE:

Gentle in your approach

Interested in what the other person has to say and what they feel, practice listening to them as much as you are talking.

Validate the other person, let them know you understand how they feel (even if you don’t agree).

Easy Manner--don’t approach with too much intensity, let the conversation be light, possibly bring in some humor.

For self-respect effectiveness, FAST:

Fair--be fair to both yourself and the person you’re talking to. Consider the other person and incorporate that into the conversation.

(no) Apologies--you are allowed to ask for this or to set this boundary. Don’t apologize for how you feel or what you’re requesting. It’s okay to have needs and express them, and it’s okay to disagree.

Stick to your values. Don’t compromise what you value to please the other person or avoid conflict. Stand by what you believe in and what is important to you, while keeping these other practices in mind.

Truthfulness. Don’t lie, exaggerate, or judge harshly. Stick to the facts and be honest about what you need and how you feel.

What are your thoughts? Let us know in the comments!