3 Books I'm Reading as a Marriage and Family Therapist

by Abby Birk, LMFT

1. Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

What it's about:

Written by the Relationship & Boundaries Expert herself, Nedra Glover Tawwab puts together a comprehensive primer on how to navigate various kinds of dysfunctional familial relationships. She takes the time to break down what boundaries, neglect, abuse, and resentment are and how they show up in relationships with people who are difficult to keep in our lives.

Who it's for:

This book is for you, the client! This is a great crash course in family therapy ideas as a way to get you started or help you move forward in your healing journey around difficult family dynamics. The language is straight-forward, well-laid out, and not too clinical.

How to use the information:

The illustrations and vignettes throughout the book demonstrate how dysfunctional patterns show up in many families, regardless of other factors. This helps normalize that those who have difficulty staying in relationship with their family members (parents, caregivers, siblings, extended family, etc.) are not alone or broken.

My favorite part of the book is the call to own your agency and let go of what you do not have control over. We all need the reminder that we cannot control other people or their reactions or their capacity for change. What we can control is if we choose to have them in our lives or not and how we go about doing so on our terms. Nedra often will just flat out say that some relationships are not worth the pain and suffering of crossed boundaries, failed expectations, and emotional chaos.

She also shows you how to move forward with those you do choose to keep in your life even if it costs you something. By teaching several important skills like acceptance, boundary setting AND enforcing, direct communication skills and how to use them in specific situations with certain family members, Nedra can build your confidence in how to continue navigating important but less than ideal relationships in your life.

2. Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life

by: Vanessa Marin, LMFT & Xander Marin

What it's about:

This book is about demystifying how to talk about sex in your romantic, intimate, and sexual relationships. Vanessa, a sex therapist, and her husband, Xander, break down "the talk" into 5 conversations that build well on each other, covering the basics of how to start talking about sex with a partner, how to offer feedback, how to initiate sex, and how to make specific asks of your partner. There's also a lot of normalizing and educational information about couples, sexuality, orgasm, arousal, and communication that is included throughout.

Who it's for:

You! And your partner or partners! The book is written in a very approachable, informative, and accessible voice so that you can read it solo or with a partner or read separately and then talk about it together with someone.

Therapists, too! As an LMFT myself, I knew a lot of this information, but having it all in one place with some amazing, hands-on, concrete exercises that I can introduce to couples in session or for homework makes this book super useful to therapists!

How to use the information:

In her many, many years working with couples as a sex therapist and their many, many polls of their massive Instagram audience, Vanessa and Xander realized that people were pretty bad about talking about sex within their relationships. They wanted to create a guidebook for how to get the most out of your sexual relationship by learning how to communicate about needs, wants, desires, and feedback so that people could receive the connection and pleasure so many are desperately seeking in their relationships.

I recommend reading this book with your partner(s) or reading it separately and then deciding on a time to discuss, if you or your partner(s) prefer to take time to process internally before discussing ideas externally. The book serves as a great catalyst for important conversations all while it serves to improve the skill, quality, and effectiveness of said conversations!

Therapists can use this as a resource for couples who are struggling with conversations around sex and need some brushing up on their communication or initiation skills. I also recommend using the exercises in session with couples or assigning them for homework to encourage couples to prioritize time to discuss sex, connection, and pleasure in their relationships.

3. Mating in Captivity

by:  Esther Perel

What it's about:

Perel, one of the world's leading couples therapists, puts together information about the changing landscape of romantic love and committed relationships. Modern love comes with new challenges and expectations than ever before, like getting most of your needs met by one person for the rest of your life whereas in a significant chunk of history, relationships served as business or economic transactions and romance/love were largely kept out of the marital union (which wasn't even expected to last too long considering the age expectancy was significantly low for much of human history). Taking all these shifts and changes into account, Perel provides anecdotes and case studies from her collective experience with a variety of diverse couples to highlight the needs of modern couples and how to make secure commitment last along with sexual desire and eroticism.

Who it's for:

This is for the modern couple, people in a committed relationship, people dating, people who are wondering if monogamy is for them, people who are monogamous who have not intentionally explored or addressed relationship expectations and how that shapes our satisfaction in our relationships. It's for those who want to learn more about relationships and the science and art of long-term erotic and committed love. It's for those who are asking how do I see my long-term partner with fresh eyes again? How do we get that spark back and why is it gone? How do we feel secure in our relationship and also sexy? Perel answers questions like these and more while teaching how we got here, considerations for relationships in the here and now, and how to tend eroticism in your relationship while enjoying the benefits of secure commitment.

How to use the information:

I use a lot of the information from this book in session with my couples. I draw from this book when I validate their frustrations, fears, and unfulfilled expectations. You can use this book to dispel common myths and set appropriate and healthy expectations of each other that lead to success instead of disappointment. Many couples face similar problems you are experiencing in your relationship(s) and are represented in this book to give you a new perspective on old issues, providing new paths forward. Perel suggests creating healthy space in the relationship that honors each person as an autonomous individual, that does not threaten the "WE" of the relationship but creates more sexual tension between the "YOU" and "ME". The idea is that eroticism thrives in the space between partners; and so, learning how to create and tend this space over time in our relationships is vital to our satisfaction within the relationship. This is why I consider Mating in Captivity required reading for today's couples and encourage you to pick it up.

There's always more to learn about relationships and how we relate to one another. Consider opening up these books with a curious to mind to see what information might support you and where you're at with your relationships. You may also use these books as a catalyst for conversations with your own individual or couples therapist. Enjoy!

We have therapists with openings here at Riverbank Therapy. Click here to connect with our intake coordinator and schedule your free 20 minute consultation!

Want to read more on this topic? Check our this blog on 7 Tips for Better Emotional Connection, or this one on pre-marital counseling!

What is "Family of Origin" Work in Therapy?

by Abby Lombardo, LMFT

You're searching through therapist bios and you keep coming across the term "Family of Origin work" or "FOO Work". But what does it actually mean? In this post, we try to de-mystify what Family of Origin Work means and how it might be relevant in your therapeutic journey.

To start, Family of Origin (FOO) is a term used by therapists to refer to the primary caregivers an individual had when growing up, whether they be related, adoptive, foster, or any other type of guardianship or caregiver relationship. As you might have guessed, Family of Origin work shows up in therapy sessions quite often. You are probably doing some FOO work in your own therapy or even on your own, without even realizing it!

Some clients seek a therapist to help them through these specific kinds of issues, but most clients end up realizing their family of origin work is a more central issue to their lives than they might have thought at the outset of their therapy journey. Either way, there's a reason for the centrality of this kind of work in therapy. There are few things in our lives our families of origin don't impact, for the simple reason that they are our first relationships and first experiences of the world.

As an illustration, I like to use Dr. Emily Nagoski's metaphor of a garden. Each person is born with a garden; some plants are already planted in this garden at birth--without your say so--things like a sensitive nervous system, a predisposition for anxiety, depression, addiction or even a good memory, natural resilience, and other strengths. There are some seeds that have been planted generations before you and there will be some species of weeds that everyone inherits in the garden they are born with. As you mature, you begin to choose how to tend and manage this garden, what weeds you pull, and what plants you want to start growing instead. In therapy, FOO work involves being aware of what's in your garden--what was there before you had a say--and creating intention around how you want to address, manage, or change what your garden looks like as an adult. As the metaphor implies, it can be hard, messy work. That's a major reason it can be helpful to have a therapist with you while you're doing family of origin (FOO) work.

Here are a few topics that are involved when we use the term "family of origin issues". Some of these (or all of these) may or may not be relevant to you and you might find you resonate more with some than others.

Attachment & Self Worth

Developmentally, we are dependent on our caregivers for a significant portion of the early stages of our lives. We need caregivers to survive. And depending on the caregiver, we learn we can trust our needs to be met most of the time or we learn that we cannot trust others to meet our needs most of the time (or something unpredictable in between). This sets the stage for the type of attachment styles we develop and further impacts the way we relate to others and the world around us. We derive meaning from the way our early caregivers interact with us. Our families or contexts in which we are raised give us our earliest experiences in which we learn if we are valuable, special, and matter to someone...or not. We learn how to gauge our worth or seek connection: if it is inherent or earned with achievements and accolades, athletic prowess, and academic success. We might earn it through being a "good girl/boy/child" or an accommodating and pleasing child. We might learn what is "good" and what is "bad" in our family, and so begins our relationships with shame/guilt and ultimately, our relationship with ourselves.

In therapy, identity and self-work can look as different as the clients who walk through the office doors (or open up their laptop screens) for session. Topics such as inner child work, self-differentiation, setting boundaries, re-storying old narratives, redefining and reframing values and qualities, and attachment work all address how you are relating to yourself and the world around you via the lens of your FOO and learned attachment styles.

Family Roles

Some of the most relevant FOO work I do with clients involves understanding how the roles they played in their family growing up (and now) impact their life in other areas outside of their family of origin. For example, a client might come in wanting to work on people pleasing and how detrimental that has been in her career and friendships because she's finding it very difficult to speak up for herself and ask for what she wants and needs. After a few sessions discussing her family of origin, she might realize that it all started in childhood trying to please her parents, playing peacemaker during their divorce, or caretaking their emotions. Because we are so dependent as children on our caretakers, we often will do anything to keep them around and keep our attachment to them -- even if it costs us significantly. This is how family dynamics and environments shape us. This client learned as a child that to keep her caregivers close and happy, she needed to emotionally caretake and please them to get connection. After learning this and having it reinforced over and over again in her own family, this client continues playing this role in her other relationships, but with different outcomes. Where it served her in her FOO, it does not serve her in her friendships or professional relationships. Bringing awareness, through therapy, about how these old family roles play out in current day-to-day life can help change these patterns.

Conflict & Communication

In my work with couples, conflict and communication challenges almost always trace back to differences in family of origin: my family avoids conflict and brushes things under the rug; your family likes to hash things out right here and now until someone is right and someone is wrong. My family is soft-spoken and everyone gets a turn to speak; your family is loud and boisterous and people must fight to be the loudest in order to be heard. My family does not talk about emotions; your family can't stop talking about their feelings and opinions. It goes on and on. Our families teach us certain implicit and explicit rules, especially rules around communication and conflict. Family rules are often informed by culture, religion, class, beliefs, or value systems. We learn somethings are off-limit, while others are dinner-table conversation appropriate. Often times, we are punished--usually with shame or guilt--when we break these spoken and unspoken rules, which leads to internalization of these rules and other shame-based narratives.

FOO work around conflict and communication patterns starts with acknowledging the rules you have learned and continue to abide by--usually without awareness! This new awareness then leads to decisions about what type of communication patterns and approaches to conflict you want to plant in your garden in the stead of the ones you inherited/learned.

Generational Legacies & Intergenerational Trauma

We now know that intergenerational trauma, trauma that happened to your ancestors and predecessors, can make its way into your own DNA and body (even your dreams). Some people inherit gardens loaded with intergenerational trauma caused by various stressors or challenges such as poverty, racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.--trauma and stressors they might never have experienced for themselves, but are nonetheless taught in subtle and powerful ways to the next generation. For example, hyper-arousal is a common symptom that arises after a traumatic event, where you are on alert for threats, scanning your environment constantly, or anticipating worst case scenarios at all times in order to prepare for or prevent bad things from happening. This symptom, while a typical response to trauma in someone who has experienced trauma, can be taught and passed down by vigilant parents, teaching their kids not to trust others or themselves, making the world feel like a constantly dangerous place where there is no room for rest or relaxation because one must always be on guard for the worst to happen. While this may serve an important purpose or reflect a true reality of danger, depending on the environment in which one finds themselves, the chronic stress of being in a state of hyper-arousal and threat does significant damage to the mind and body. It can be difficult for those taught this state of being to challenge it in favor of taking time to rest, relax, be taken care of by others, and to appropriately depend on others when called for. Working through intergenerational trauma with a therapist looks a lot like naming legacies you've inherited, understanding the impact of systems larger than you and your family, externalizing the blame in order to foster compassion, understanding, and validation, as well as working to challenge and heal some of the perpetuated suffering.

Gender, Power, Money, Sex, & Relationships

Our families teach us our earliest values and beliefs, before we even have a chance to form our own opinions and worldviews. In our families of origin we learn about gender, power, money, relationships, and sex. We learn that gender can mean who cooks and who works. We learn that gender can mean equality and fluidity. We learn that it can mean who is powerful and who is powerless. We learn about money and what financial security or insecurity feels like. We learn to see the world as a place of abundance or scarcity. We also learn how to share affection, what love looks like, how to act in relationship, and how to treat others. We learn what is "normal" in terms of displays of affection and physical touch. We learn what is not okay in terms of sexuality, bodies, and acting on our desires. FOO work in therapy can involve unpacking our biases and beliefs around concepts like these in order to have more agency and choice in how we relate to others. With awareness we can have more say in how we move through the world.

Our earliest experiences with our families of origin shape our biases, tendencies, and what we consider "normal." These experiences make up our gardens. As adults, through the therapy process, we learn what does or doesn't serve us anymore: what might need to be uprooted and unlearned like racism and sexism or what needs to be planted and learned like how to communicate vulnerable emotions to a romantic partner or how to accept one's sexuality. In therapy, FOO work can help unpack our earliest messages around influential constructs and breakdown old narratives we continue to perpetuate, but that don't actually serve us or fit us anymore, so that we can learn to live in ways that support our wellbeing individually and relationally.

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Marriage Therapist's Take On "Love Is Blind" Season 2

by: Abby Birk, LMFT

*Disclaimer: We have not met with these individuals or couples. We are not their therapists. We are not pathologizing or diagnosing. The purpose of this post is to explore common dynamics that show up in intimate relationships, in the hopes of providing helpful tools and strategies to build strong, happy, healthy relationships.

Couple: Shayne & Natalie

S2E5: "Leaving Paradise"  (32:29 - 36:09) - Expressing & Meeting Needs

At 33:55, Shayne covertly compliments Natalie by saying her dress looks sexy, though the context around the compliment is awkward (asking if she would wear that to meet his mom). Natalie then replies with humor to match a question that sounded ridiculous to her. You can see Shayne's demeanor totally changes, his face falls, his gaze lowers, and his body caves in on itself. Physical reactions like this can be a way to let our partners know when something is impacting us, if we're paying attention. This is a common defense mechanism: putting a piece of ourselves out there but with the protection of a funny comment or other distracting element. Natalie, of course, misses the subtext because of the awkwardly sandwiched compliment. We see this often happen in relationships- putting a feeler out there without being assertive or direct with your partner as a way to protect yourself from rejection or being missed by your partner.

It's a symptom of feeling insecure or vulnerable in saying how you really feel about someone. This is something that they struggled with throughout their relationship on the show. Then he asks "That's the person you love, right?" he is continuing to test her on if he is enough as he is, is he acceptable to her. She responds with a meek "Yeah." To which he responds in mock outrage, "Could you give me a little more love than that or no?" What he's really asking for is verbal assurance so that he can feel safe enough to go there emotionally with her and not get rejected and left heartbroken.

Natalie responds in a way where it seems she is expecting Shayne to be more confident in their relationship and not need verbal assurance or for her to "brag" about it to others. Unpacking this, we usually find narratives shaped by societal expectations and our families (i.e "men don't need reassurance" or specifically for certain POC communities, vulnerable reassurance communicated as verbal expression is not the most comfortable or typical way to communicate love, care, and respect.)

Shayne comments, "You gotta give our relationship a little more credit." I believe this is his way of asking for more softness from Natalie, more vulnerable statements about her true feelings about him and their relationship. In the conversation where Shayne reflects with Natalie on the lack of "good" things or affectionate language they share about their relationship: "How often do you say how good it is..? " Natalie responds, "Why do I have to?" He's not asking for what he needs, he's asking for her to change or be more like him...when there might be some cultural differences at play that make that less comfortable or less natural for her.

This would have been a good opportunity for Natalie to soften and really clarify what Shayne was noticing about their relationship and why it's important. DEFENSIVENESS IS A GREMLIN!! It's the vulnerable humanness in us trying to protect itself.

Usually, defensiveness shows up where we feel most vulnerable or insecure. And in light of the rest of the season, you can really come to understand Shayne's deep-seated fear of not being enough or not being accepted as he is. And this is why he's asking for reassurance, but he's not doing it in a direct and inviting way that allows Natalie to feel safe and open enough to listen and respond in a way that would increase emotional intimacy.

The conversation gets derailed quickly as they both get triggered into their defensive and protective postures.

Natalie's self-aware statement of "I'm just like shutting down during it right now." would have been a good time to stop the conversation, take a break, a few deep breaths, and to soften towards each other and lead with curiosity about their partner's needs, desires, and expectations.

If this feels right, adding in words of affirmation like: "This conversation is really hard, but I want to figure this out with you." "I love you and want you to feel heard."

And: "It's important to me that you can let me know what you need and we can find a way to support each other's needs without asking each other to change who we are."

In my work with heterosexual couples, asking a cisgender male-identified partner to compromise or change behavior can feel like a threat to their autonomy, sense of self, ego, and individuality. I'm often asking: Where's the line between healthy compromise, flexing to meet your partner's needs and losing sense of your own needs?

This is a difficult area for most couples I see in therapy, too. I think it's about normalizing that every couple has their differences that they need to manage, not solve. Like for this couple, maybe Natalie will never feel comfortable bragging openly about her private relationship, but she could assure Shayne with other types of affection, verbally or physically, to reassure him and make him aware of how she feels about him. They can create their own secret, shared language that communicates care and affection.

This could be a moment for Shayne to reassess his own needs and ask himself if he will feel fulfilled with a partner who has limitations in the area of verbal affection. Or, in the long run, he could acknowledge that what he's asking is challenging to Natalie and meet her efforts with appreciation. Compromise can be hard!

Both partners are still relatively new to each other and insecure and sussing each other out. That's where you can see a lot of these types of issues arise because you don't know how to ask for the reassurance and the vulnerability you're really seeking because you feel too vulnerable in even asking for it, for fear of not getting it. The "I'm done" comment from Shayne totally shatters the sense of we're in this together and really leaves each partner isolated and activated, which I'm sure, is not how this couple wanted the evening to end. Hopefully with our breakdown, you can see at which points the conversation derailed and what can be done differently to keep this type of important conversation on track.

Couple: Danielle & Nick

S2E6: "Back to Reality"  (32:08 - 36:00 ) - Anxiety & Insecurity

Danielle leads with a trap. Due to what appears to be negative past relationship experience and resulting anxious insecure attachment, Danielle is scared that Nick will leave her when he truly gets to know who he's going to marry. In an attempt to be open with Nick, she brings up her intrusive thoughts and how they makes her second guess Nick's commitment, basically overanalyzing his reaction to meeting her family. She then creates a trap for Nick because her assumptions are not based on how he says he feels, but are based on a fearful projection of how she interpreted the situation; therefore, there's no real opportunity for him to soothe her or convince her otherwise. In essence, she creates the very scenario she feared: Nick pulling away from her due to her flaws (i.e., anxiety).

Yikes! It seems like she was feeling extremely anxious about this interaction with her family and placed a lot of importance on the outcome of the day. But because he didn't express his emotion in the way that her self-constructed narrative told her he should have, it led her to believe that the day with her family wasn't as important to him as it was to her. Even when Nick responds that there were things that were troubling him, Danielle overlooks his own emotional needs or his even space to show up with differing emotions.

She jumped to conclusions that went from: you aren't expressing excitement in the way I want you to, and you are expressing negative emotions about something else, to: you aren't excited about how things went with my family, to: you don't love me "for the right reasons." This is an example of our assumptions getting in the way of truly emotionally connecting with our partners and creating space for all emotions, even contradictory ones that show up in the same day.

A helpful strategy for this moment: step back and listening in for when our own assumptions and storylines are not matching what our partners are attempting to explain. Helpful phrases look like "The story I made up in my head was this..." and leaving space for your partner to share their experience of the event as well. A response could be "Oh, I didn't know that's what you were going through or feeling in that moment, how can I better support you next time?" Ideally, both partners would engage with these helpful phrases at this point in the conversation.

I would start with validation. Nick did try to validate why this is so important to Danielle and reassure her. Danielle could have chosen to validate that Nick had other events and emotions outside of meeting her family. This would be a good time to say to each other: "This is important to you that I enjoy spending time with your family and I truly did enjoy them and I'm excited for what that means in the future." And Danielle could easily say, "I want to be there to support you when you're experiencing difficult feelings outside of the relationship." Conflict avoided. Instead the conversation devolves as both become triggered and activated into attack-and-defend mode. Leading to Danielle's "I can't do this anymore." The conversation did not need to end up in a place that felt threatening to their relationship, because the threat was due to anxiety, anxious thoughts, assumed expectations, and insecurity stemming from Danielle feeling extremely vulnerable and insecure about Nick choosing to marry her with her flaws and all. She created a self-fulfilling prophecy by letting her anxiety lead the conversation, pushing her partner away instead of pulling him closer and attuning to each other's emotional needs in the moment.

Interactions between couples are complicated. We miss cues for connection all the time because of past relationship experiences, our current emotional experience, or fears of the future. It's even worse when we unintentionally create conflict or derail productive conversations because of these reasons. Couples therapy can be a useful and supportive place to work through these stuck patterns, to catch each other's cues, and to build better communication strategies -- ultimately cultivating more safety and connection in the relationship.

5 Ways to Cultivate Self-Love

Self-love is a game-changer.⁠ Your life radically changes when you start to care for yourself the way you care for those around you. And love is a verb, it comes through actions. You cultivate self-love when you show up for yourself, consistently and with compassion. It takes practice.

What I’ve noticed over time, is that the belief “I am unloveable” begins to shift to a belief that “I am loveable” when people consistently treat themselves as if the latter is true, even when it doesn’t feel that way.

I don't buy the bullshit that says "no one will love you until you love yourself"...because it's just not true. You will still be loved even if you don't love yourself, but that love will be harder to accept and savor. You might find yourself pushing love away, fearing that people will leave you or “find you out”. When you practice loving yourself, you’re more able to be present with the love other people are showing you.

Self-love can come in a lot of forms, but these are five tried and true ways that I know help develop self-love:⁠

1) 🖤Stop judging others.

What you're judging in them is something you reject about yourself, or it's just plain mean and feeding into focusing on the negative about yourself. Stop judging others and notice how much easier it is to be kind to yourself and feel connected in any situation.⁠ This is a practice I adopted several years ago, and it made massive shifts in how I looked at other people and myself.

2) 🕵️‍♀️Observe your inner critic.

Notice the mean shit she's saying to you daily! Would you say that to your best friend? Are those shame-y thoughts helping you get anywhere? NO.⁠

3) 💥Challenge those statements with something that is true, kind AND useful.

Yes, all three. True (because maybe you did fuck that thing up), but how can you say it in a way that is KIND and USEFUL at the same time? Not "you're such a failure, you really messed that up", but instead "that didn't go well, you made a few mistakes, here's how you can do better next time/learn from this". Way kinder.⁠

4) ❓Ask, "what do I feel right now?"

Isn't this how we so often show people we care? We want to know how they're feeling and what's going on in their lives. Get curious about your own experience, without so much judgement. It's amazing what can change just through asking yourself "what do I feel right now?⁠

5) 🌮Ask "what do I really need?"...and give that to yourself!

This is another way we show that we care. We support our loved ones, we try to meet their (reasonable) needs, we do what we can to SHOW UP for them.⁠

How can you show up and show love for yourself today??

Want to show yourself love by giving yourself the gift of therapy? Click here to schedule your complimentary consultation.

Attachment, Resilience and Trauma

Therapists asking about your childhood is a cliché. But…it’s cliché for a reason.

Your childhood has a massive impact on who you are as an adult. In my work as a trauma therapist, I know that your childhood experiences have a huge impact on stress resilience. People who had childhoods that fostered secure attachments (or adult relationship that facilitate an “earned secure” attachment style) are better able to recover from stress, and less likely to develop PTSD after a traumatic event.

Let’s back up. What do I mean by “attachment”? It basically means the way that you receive soothing and connection with your primary caregiver(s) as a child. The quality of these early attachment relationships to a large extent influence everything about you.

“Attachment is part of a 3-part motivational system of fear–attachment-exploration. Fear triggers attachment behaviors. The safe haven of secure attachment soothes the fear of the amygdala, and opens exploration….Exploration eventually bumps us into something that triggers fear again which shuts down exploration and triggers attachment behaviors again which soothe the fear again and open exploration cycle of safety-exploration again.” -Linda Graham

Because we have a need for regulation, and as a baby haven’t yet developed the structures to do this ourselves, we rely on our primary caregivers to help us regulate. This is what our attachment system does for us. Attuned attachment typically leads to a wider window of tolerance, while misattuned attachment typically leads to a narrower one.

If our early attachment relationships are safe and attuned, we develop the ability to trust, accurately assess fear and regulate emotions. We can move more easily between fear, attachment and exploration. When something stressful happens to a person with secure attachment, their fear/anxiety peaks, and then over time returns to baseline in the window of tolerance. This happens more quickly and easily for those with secure attachments.

However, if our early attachment relationships are injurious or traumatic, then we might get stuck in any part of the fear-attachment-exploration cycle. This depends on how our caregiver(s) responded to us when we sought soothing after fear, or when we craved exploration. We may become more likely to seek attachment in response to fear (anxious attachment style), or seek exploration in response to either fear or attachment (avoidant attachment style), or oscillate between both (disorganized attachment).

This has a huge impact on how we respond to stress.

With an insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant or disorganized), the peak of anxiety/fear may be higher, last longer, and take more to return to baseline. In addition, that baseline may be higher than those with secure attachment as well—meaning anxiety without stressful events idles closer to the edge of the window of tolerance.

Because our early attachment relationships influence our ordinary stress resilience, they also influence resilience to traumatic stress.

Those with insecure attachment styles are more likely to develop PTSD after a trauma than those with a secure attachment.

[This DOES NOT MEAN that everything is predetermined. Our attachment systems are quite amenable to growth and change, as is our stress tolerance. This is simply more information about how our early childhood experiences shape our adult selves.]

About 20% of people who experience trauma go on to develop PTSD. There is not a ton of research on how to prevent the development of PTSD after trauma, but this information is an interesting piece of that puzzle. If we can help kids have more secure attachments, then it follows that less kids and adults will experience PTSD after a trauma.

(I know, it would be great if trauma just didn't happen...but we don’t have control over that. However…I'd also argue that less interpersonally caused trauma would happen if more of us had secure attachment...but that’s a post for another time.)

Attachment security being a resilience factor supports the theory that relational experiences are necessary for healing trauma: developing more secure attachments in and through therapy will help widen your window of tolerance, support your nervous system in becoming more adaptive and flexible, and provide new healing experiences.

Want to explore this with one of our therapists? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute consultation today!