Common questions I hear about therapy:
Where to start and how to know what you talk about?
In short, start anywhere! Talk about anything!
Most therapists will somewhat guide the first few sessions. They’ll likely ask what motivated you to start therapy, what your present concerns are, and go from there. I love to get a life timeline from new clients so I can get a sense of you in context of your whole life, while other therapists focus more on what’s happening in the present/near past.
One of my mottos in therapy is that “everything is everything” so anywhere you start will get you somewhere useful. Usually the most important thing will bubble up if you just start talking.
How do I open up if I’m not used to being vulnerable with people?
Therapy does require some vulnerability and openness. You’re going to have to talk about yourself. If this isn’t something you’re used to doing, that’s okay! There are some clients who come to therapy ready to talk and spend the whole session filled with words. Others are more reserved or more quiet in session. If this is you, your therapist will sense this and likely ask you more questions. You might also tell your therapist that you have a hard time opening up, and ask them to direct the process a little bit more until you become more comfortable. It can take time to build up the trust needed to be vulnerable and open with your therapist, and this is totally okay. Take your time, we have to earn your trust.
What if I have a challenge between sessions but feel fine on the day of my session?
This is so common! A few thoughts:
-bring up the challenge anyway. Often, it can be useful to explore an issue when it’s “cold” rather than “hot” because you have a different or clearer perspective.
-bring up something that you don’t usually get to talk about. Therapy isn’t always about day to day struggles, it can also be about processing the past, exploring an aspect of your identity, etc. So if you come into therapy on a good day, you and your therapist can brainstorm about things you’ve pinned in the past that might be useful to dig around. Sometimes these end up being the BEST sessions.
Other tips that will help you get the most out of the therapy process:
Do your homework! I almost always give something to my clients to do between sessions--whether it's reflect on something, journal about something, or try something new. The clients who get the most out of the process are the ones who actively do their homework. Remember--the therapy hour is only 1 of 168 hours in a week. If you want change to happen, you have to apply the therapy work in the other 167 hours!
Be honest and specific with your therapist. It can be difficult to work on an issue if we are constantly talking about it only a conceptual level. Bring in specific examples where this issue showed up, how you were feeling, what you were thinking about, what triggered that emotion, etc. As you build awareness in therapy, this will get easier. It can be helpful to make notes between sessions and come into your session with a few things you'd like to talk about.
Tell your therapist what is and isn't working. Give feedback! This process is FOR YOU, so if something isn't working, if you want to do more of something else, if you're upset at your therapist, say something! This feedback is hugely helpful for you and your therapist to make sure the process is tailored to you.
Take an experimental, curious attitude. Try something before you say "this won't work for me". See how it fits! If something doesn't work well for you, examine with your therapist what didn't work about it. Even when tools don't work, that's great information for the therapy process. Being specific about what you tried, when, and how it felt can help you and your therapist hone in on the tools that WILL work for you!
Be patient and kind with yourself. Shame gets in the way of each of the recommendations above. Give yourself credit for showing up for yourself, for taking care of yourself, and for doing what you can to make changes. Ask your therapist what changes they're seeing in you--often they might see things that you don't. Make time to give yourself kudos for doing the damn thing!
Want more? I answer these questions in more detail, and other questions on the podcast! Access the Toni Talks Therapy podcast anywhere you get your podcasts!