5 Tips for Talking To Your Partner about Couples Therapy

by Sophie Foster, LMFTA

Couples therapy can be helpful for couples to navigate their communication challenges, sex and intimacy issues, financial hardships, unhelpful relationship habits, and emotional disconnection. How to approach your partner about starting couples therapy may feel stressful and daunting. In this post, we'll share 5 tips on how to navigate this conversation with your partner.

#1 Ask Your Partner About Their Thoughts On Couples Therapy

This conversation takes lots of courage! The idea of individual therapy, couples, or family therapy may feel scary or overwhelming to many people, especially if they've never been to therapy before. There is a lot of stigma about therapy out in the world. There are also a lot of judgments about couples therapy itself.

Ask your partner, what is their view on therapy? Share with them what you think about couples therapy and how you think it could be helpful. Having an open and honest conversation together allows you both to share your thoughts and beliefs on therapy. Try to listen and identify any assumptions before challenging them and gently remind your partner about the reason behind your desire to attend couples therapy together, which is ultimately to better your relationship.

You may be avoiding the conversation with your partner because you're assuming they think couples therapy is stupid, or just for couples who want to split up (both are myths about couples therapy). Rather than making assumptions about what they think, ask them directly what their thoughts are on therapy and you can go from there. They might surprise you!

Approach the conversation with a statement like, "I feel nervous to bring this up to you because I care about our relationship and I worry you might take this the wrong way. I would like to discuss what you and I both think about the idea of couples therapy. I think writing down a pro's and con's list together could help us work better as a team and hear each other’s opinions better." Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. These are the tough conversations that will help you grow as a partner.

#2 Don’t Point Fingers (Avoid the Blame Game)

This tip helps set up the conversation for success. Avoiding blame can increase the likelihood that your partner is more open to couples therapy. Avoid going tit-for-tat, which is not helpful in general, and will not encourage your partner to go to couples therapy with you.  Take a few deep breaths and be gentle to yourself, and your partner. Using soft, gentle, and kind language while talking to your partner about your desire to attend couples therapy will create a safe place where defensiveness and criticism are decreased.  For example, if you are so upset with your partner and you don't think you can be gentle with them, I would ask to revisit the conversation when you both feel calmer and more able to be kind to each other, instead of using couples therapy as a threat or an ultimatum.

It is helpful to frame the conversation around what you want out of therapy as a team, and not what your partner "needs to fix." Approach the conversation by saying "I would really like to learn more about myself in this relationship through therapy and find better ways to support myself and you."

Try using "I" statements, such as "I am worried about how much we have been arguing and I feel like it would be helpful to seek professional help." This statement is specific, takes ownership, and avoids the blame and shame.

For example, how to bring up therapy when money is an issue, try using this statement with your partner, "I would really like to discuss our financial goals together, such as retirement plans, payoff debt, and home ownership. How do you feel about talking through this together with a therapist so we have someone objective to keep our conversations on track?"

Starting off with "I" statements shows that you are speaking about how you feel and not for your partner; ending with an open-ended question helps your partner have the space to share their perspective.

Try using this statement when infidelity has occurred: "I would really like to discuss going to couples therapy as an opportunity to rebuild us as a team and repair our relationship." Prepare yourself and your partner that you care about this relationship and are seeking to rebuild honesty and trust together. "I believe couples therapy can be a space to facilitate the hard conversations that I am struggling to have with you. I think therapy can provide us both with ways to better support each other."

Make sure to check in with yourself during these tough, emotional conversations. Your personal healing is a priority too.

#3 Listen Openly and Actively

As we all have been told at a young age, “put on your listening ears!” This conversation matters to you, and your partner may feel differently about the topic. Your partner may have a completely different perspective on couples therapy than you AND that is okay!  It's important to try to be curious about their experience and their thoughts.

Try to listen non-defensively, by asking yourself, what does it feel like in your body to when you feel defensive? What might my partner be feeling right now?

Noticing that and what is coming up for you and building empathy for your partner’s experience (even if you disagree with them) can help prevent and reduce the likelihood of defensiveness coming up. Take a few long deep breaths and check in with yourself about how you want to best show up in this conversation. Practicing this will help calm your brain and body down from reactions toward defensiveness.

#4 Consider Individual Therapy, too

Seeking individual therapy in addition to couples therapy can help you gain a different perspective, take accountability, and learn better skills and tools to help support yourself and your partner better. Even if you don’t go to couples therapy, individual therapy can be a useful space for you to process your feelings on your own, which can help you show up better in your relationship or the couples therapy process.

This space can help you break barriers, unhealthy patterns, and attachment wounds that are preventing you from progressing and growing with your partner. Individual therapy can be used to help you learn more about yourself and how to be a better partner. Working on yourself and putting in the time and effort towards your own healing journey, may help you feel more prepared for couples therapy.

#5 Discuss Next Steps

If you and your partner have come to an agreement about going to couples therapy, there may be other things preventing you both from attending. For example, you may have childcare needs to figure out or conflicting work schedules; in these cases, Telehealth may work better than in-person sessions. Taking the extra time to sort those areas out together, before seeking therapy can better prepare you both to prioritize couples therapy together.

Having a conversation together about specific qualities you're wanting within a therapist helps you both know what you are looking for in a therapist. Riverbank Therapy offers free 20-minute consultations that allow you to see if you would be a good fit with the couple therapist before committing to a session with them. This time can be used to ask any questions or concerns you and your partner may have towards couples therapy and clarify what you are looking for.

Dr. Sue Johnson, couples therapist, developer of Emotion-Focused Therapy, stated “Being the ‘best you can be’ is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.”

Check out Sue Johnsons books that help navigate relationships:

• Hold me Tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love  

• Love Sense: the revolutionary new science of romantic relationships 

You might also read other books to read together as a couple. Check out our blog post here on books recommended by another one of our couples therapists in Seattle:

Human connection is important and essential. We all crave and desire it. Strong relationships are valuable. Take your time while navigating what therapy means to you, having this conversation with your partner, and finding a couples therapist that works for you. I wish you the best in your healing journey with your partner!

If you’re in Washington state or the Seattle area, we have in person and virtual couples therapists with immediate openings. Click here to book a free 20 minute consultation now!

How Riverbank Therapy Got Its Name

by Founder, Toni Aswegan, LMHC, NCC

It is surprisingly difficult to name a therapy practice. When I started Riverbank Therapy, I knew I wanted to expand into a group practice and so I did not want to name it “Toni Aswegan Therapy”. That makes no sense if other therapists would also be working in the practice in the future (which, they are! This team is kickass). I wanted to find a name for the practice that would be encompassing of all sizes of the practice, and that reflected the type of work we do here.

I also didn’t want it to be cheesy AF.

My partner and I sat at dinner for a month throwing words back and forth:

“Rise”…

“Thrive”…

”Evolve”…

all the words you might associate with the therapy process.

Also, all words that felt meaningless and corny to me (no shade at practices with these names, they just don’t feel authentic to me or how I practice therapy).

So, in a last ditch effort to find a good name, I went to my trusty bookshelf. I read voraciously, especially books about therapy, human development, mindfulness, and emotions. I keep all of the books I’ve read related to my work on my office bookshelf, and often reference my notes and highlights in those books.

In the search for a name, I pulled down the books that had the biggest impact on my therapy style and my own personal growth.

Books like the Body Keeps the Score, Trauma Stewardship, and, Wherever You Go, There You Are.

I started flipping through pages, and reading the excerpts I had underlined.

In writing this blog post I went back through several of those books to find the exact quote that inspired me, but alas, I could not find it again! It must have truly been kismet that I found it once and not again.

 In any case, one of the underlined sections described mindfulness practice as sitting on the banks of a river, watching the current go by, carrying sticks and leaves with it, but staying grounded and steady on the riverbank.

It was perfect. Riverbank Therapy.

As a long time meditator, and a therapist who brings mindfulness practices into sessions with clients, this was it. A metaphor for being present, observing, and not being swept up by the currents. Not only is that what I do as a therapist, it’s what I support my clients in learning how to do with their own emotions, and is much of the magic of the therapy process.

Not to mention, “Riverbank” didn’t sound cheesy to me. A win all around.

So, there you have it! Riverbank Therapy. Mindfulness, grounded-ness, presence.

If you want to work with one of our therapists, head to our contact form and we’ll get your free 20 minute consultation scheduled. Like I said, we have a RAD team of therapists here, and our intake coordinator can help you find the best fit.

Your Guide to Starting Therapy

by Abby Lombardo, LMFT

It’s daunting.

I get it.

Yes, I, too, have had to search for a therapist (therapists seeing therapists who see therapists, it’s a thing) and have just stared blankly at my screen hoping the right someone would fall into my inbox.

In this way, searching for a therapist is like dating: you’re basically courting someone to see if they are trustworthy and make you feel comfortable enough to tell all of your vulnerabilities and still feel accepted by them.

 Actually, it’s a lot like dating.

 It’s also like searching for an apartment or a place to live, you might not know it’s a good fit until you try it out, step into the space, spend some time there…to know if it is a good fit or not for what you’re needing.

That’s the important part: try to focus on what YOUR needs are at THIS time in your life and the kind of person/professional you’re looking to help support your journey.

To aid in this purpose, I’ve devised a “Searching for a Therapist Cheat Sheet” that outlines common words, phrases, acronyms, and questions to help guide your search. It can help to feel informed and oriented to the search process, so that you can focus more on what the professional has to offer YOU.

Ideally, this information is best used in a consult with a provider. A consult is usually a free 15-30 minute meeting (over the phone or virtual) to assess whether you’d like to work together and schedule your first appointment. If the provider’s website or profile page doesn’t advertise that they do consults, don’t be afraid to ask!

Let’s get started with common therapy words used in the search for a therapist, that might not be so intuitive or self-explanatory.

7 Common Therapy Search Words:

1.      Specialty: this is something a professional has added training, experience, and interest in. Usually this includes some kind of certificate, training, and additional letters after their name. It is also probably the clients they have seen and want to see. Pay attention to these, they can be a helpful way to filter through who you might want to work with on a certain issue or topic.

2.      Modality: this is a bit different than specialty in that it refers to the way a therapist conducts treatment, or, how they do therapy. Modalities are therapeutic frameworks, lenses, theories that often guide the professional’s way of doing things in session. See more in the Acronyms section for the names of several common modalities to know about.

*The cool thing? Research shows that it’s not necessarily the modality that brings success in therapy, but the relationship you have with your therapist! So, modality does not make or break unless it leads to you not vibing with your therapist!

3.      Intake: the term for the 1st session. Intake sessions are usually billed at a higher rate than normal sessions as they are used traditionally for assessment, onboarding, orientation, and paperwork. Intake sessions vary from therapist to therapist. Some have you, the client, talk about why you’re coming to therapy and what the issues are you’re experiencing. Some will ask for your family information to get more context. Some will go through a timeline with you of different experiences you had while growing up. Mostly though, they’ll all discuss confidentiality and privacy with you, as well as the exceptions and you will probably be asked about why you’re coming to therapy, what your goals are, and how the therapist can support you.

4.      Scope of practice: this is a lot like specialty and modality in that it is WHAT a professional provider can OFFER you in terms of services. For example, a marriage and family therapist (LMFT) cannot prescribe medications, it is legally and ethically outside of their scope of practice. Make sure you are looking for a provider who can offer you the services you are actually looking for.

5.      Somatic-focused: this term refers to anything body-related. Somatic techniques and modalities often help you learn to work with and regulate the systems of the body: the “flight, fight, freeze” system and the calm/rest/soothe system (for example). A somatic-focused therapist might ask you: “Where do you feel that in your body; can you describe it?” If this feels daunting, they are there to help you every step of the way. They see the body as a source of wisdom and connection. They also see the body as the #1 place that we store all of our emotion, trauma, energy, and pain. There’s a lot you can work with somatically that you might not be able to through talking.

6.      Attachment-based: this refers to a general modality/theory of therapy that examines and explores the way you relate to people and things. Attachment begins when we are infants, depending on caregivers to provide us with what we need to sustain life and be nourished. How we attach/ed to our caregivers can have a lot of sway over how we relate to significant others and even friends. This modality is incredibly informational and slightly Freudian, and most therapists have training in this, though some zoom in and use only an attachment-based lens as their main modality or get extra training in it.

7.      Mindfulness-based: this refers to a therapist who uses present-focused, attention-centering techniques in the therapy session or for the client’s homework to engage the client more mindfully with the here and now, whether that be with your breath or with the uncomfortable, restless feeling you are having. Mindfulness has many, many amazing benefits and can really help with anxiety, mood, and attention issues.

9 Common Therapy Acronyms (in alphabetical order!):

1.      ACT: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy – teaches mindfulness-based coping tools for unwanted/negative thoughts and emotions, while focusing on identifying client’s values and moving towards goals based in the client’s values.

2.      CBT: Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy - probably the most common therapy acronym used these days; explores the connections of the 3 parts of the CBT Triangle: thoughts, emotions, behaviors and how they all interact with each other to build negative cycles and habits. Offers ways to interrupt negative/unwanted thought, emotion, or behavior sequences through practical changes and reframing. Most mental health professionals are trained in this type of therapy.

3.      CPT: Cognitive Processing Therapy – a common therapy for treating PTSD

4.      DBT: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy – a skills-based therapy that offers tools for many things including: self efficacy/assertion, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, receiving feedback, making a decision, etc. Great for someone who benefits from structured therapies.

5.      EFT: Emotionally-Focused Therapy – often for couples, this process-oriented therapy strives to find the vulnerable, intimate spots that we often try to protect out of fear or hurt and uses it to reconnect partners who are struggling.

6.      EMDR: Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing – this therapy is very cool. It is a somatic-based, trauma therapy that uses your body’s way of processing information to help you work through issues, sometimes without talking about them with the therapist. They teach a lot of coping strategies so that you feel ready for what comes up, too. Essentially, they use what you naturally do in REM sleep in session and utilize bilateral stimulation (sensation happening on 2 different sides of your body at different intervals). This is a therapy that I recommend for people who want to have tools and process their trauma without having to re-hash a timeline or go detail by detail with a therapist – or for someone who talk therapy just hasn’t helped much.

7.      IFS: Internal Family Systems – a family systems therapy that is also used with individuals in therapy to look at the different “parts” we all have within us that make us who we are and influence our behavior. For example, most clients have a “part of them” that wants change and a “part of them” that resists or is scared of change. IFS therapists work with these different parts in different ways to work towards client’s goals and self-integration.

8.      RO-DBT: Radically-Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy - this is a specialized therapy, that is derived from traditional DBT but geared more towards those that are over-controlled, think: perfectionist, Type-A people. This has been used successfully with those with eating disorders as well. RO-DBT is also a skills-based, structured therapy that teaches skills about emotional expression, social signaling, self-inquiry, personal effectiveness, boundaries, how to receive feedback, how to challenge rigidity in order to be more flexible, etc.

9.      SFBT: Solution-focused Brief Therapy – a strengths-based, post-modern approach that believes the client is the expert in the therapy room and the therapist is the guide to the client’s own wisdom about what has worked for them and what they want instead of the issues/problems they are experiencing now. Together, they build moments of “exceptions” to the problem and identify what success and solutions looks like for the client, sometimes without diving too deeply into the problem. “Brief” refers to length of treatment common for this type of therapy (~ less than 10 sessions, but not all SFBT providers limit their sessions to be this brief).

10.  TF-CBT: Trauma-focused Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy - this framework is therapy that guides the clinician and the client through trauma processing. Usually the therapy involves desensitizing oneself to one’s trauma story by sharing it with the clinician and reframing and reprocessing where necessary to work through an “old trauma story” and hopefully find a new story that helps the client integrate the events into their life while decreasing triggers and PTSD symptoms.

Questions to Ask Them (at first contact/consult):

1.      Do you take insurance/how much will this cost?

2.      What would a session with you look like?

3.      What experience do you have working with these issues/topics?

4.      How frequently will we meet/What determines the frequency of sessions?

5.      What are your specialties?

6.      What modalities do you use?

7.      What client do you work with best?

Questions to Ask Yourself (after first contact/consult):

1.      Did I feel comfortable talking to this person?

2.      Do I feel hopeful about working together?

3.      Did I feel heard and understood?

4.      Does it feel like a good fit for what I’m needing/wanting right now?

5.      Am I looking forward to my next session?

I hope you can use this cheat sheet to feel empowered in your search to find the a provider who is a good fit for what you are needing.

Trust yourself.

And if it turns out to not be such a good fit, you have the right to terminate treatment at any time! Remember, research shows it is the quality of the therapeutic relationship that determines overall therapeutic success.

Good luck out there! I’m cheering for you!

If you’re interested in scheduling a free consultation with one of Riverbank’s therapists, fill out the contact form here.

How To Start Therapy

Have you been wanting to start therapy, but aren’t sure how to get started? It can unfortunately be a daunting and anxiety-provoking process. I’m here with some tips to make the process a little bit more clear, so you can go into it empowered!

Step 1: Begin your search.

The easiest way to find a therapist is to do a search online. Go to psychologytoday.com and search for your area (ex: “Seattle, WA” or your zip code “98107”). You can filter by specialty area, therapy style and more.

You can also call your insurance and get their provider list for your area. This is great if you know you need to see someone who is in-network with your insurance. If you go this route, I would still recommend searching through those therapists’ profiles online to see who resonates with you. This way you don’t end up with a random person just because they take your insurance, but actually end up with a therapist who works for what you’re looking for!

Another great option to find a therapist is to ask your doctors, friends or coworkers if they have any recommendations. And, if you happen to be lucky enough to have a therapist as a friend ;) you could ask them for referrals as well. Trust me, I’m giving referrals to friends all the dang time! I love doing it.

You can check out Riverbank’s clinicians profiles as well! Dana and Emily are both accepting new clients.

Step 2: You’ve narrowed down your list to a few therapists that you feel drawn to…now it’s time to schedule consultations.

Most therapists offer a free 20-30 minute consultation either by phone or in office. This helps both you and the therapist decide if it will be a good fit. If it is, great! You’ll schedule an intake session and get going! If it's not a good fit, you can ask that therapist for referrals and they can help point you in a different direction.

When you’re reaching out to schedule consultations, know that a lot of therapists won’t have openings for new clients. This can be frustrating, but I want to acknowledge that it’s a part of the process. Usually when my schedule is full, I’ll still offer referrals to new clients who reach out. I’d encourage you to ask for this, especially if it’s a therapist you really wanted to work for. Likely, the people they know and like who they refer you to are clinicians that are pretty similar to them :)

Step 3: Okay, so you’ve got a consultation scheduled! What the heck do you say?!

Share a bit about why you’re seeking counseling. Keep in mind that you only have 20 minutes, so this is not the time for your entire life story (that comes later!). This is the Cliffsnotes version. Ex: “I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety since my teen years, and recently it’s gotten worse since I’ve accepted a new job in a new city. I’d like to work on some coping skills for anxiety, and especially around making new friends in Seattle.” Your therapist will likely ask a few more questions about your life and why you’re coming to therapy, but something brief is good for now!

The consultation meeting is a perfect time to ask questions of the therapist, which will help YOU determine if they’re a good fit for you. As a therapist, I don’t want this process to be hidden behind the curtain--I strive for transparency and clarity, because that will make the process that much easier for the both of us! I love these kinds of questions from potential new clients (and current clients for that matter!)

Questions to ask:

-What are your areas of specialty? (Depression, anxiety, trauma, body image, etc).

-What theories do you work from in therapy (CBT, DBT, ACT, somatic, etc.) Ask them to explain what these mean for therapy and how they implement them.

-How often will we meet, and what is your schedule?

-What will a typical session look like?

-What are your fees? Are you covered by my insurance? If not, will you submit out of network bills or provide me a superbill?

Step 4: Check in with yourself.

The most important questions you can ask after a consultation are to yourself. Do I like this person? Do I feel comfortable with them? Do I feel heard and understood? Most of all, get a feel for the therapist's personality and energy. If it resonates with you, they're probably a good fit. If you feel uncomfortable (more than expected when going to therapy for the first time), then it's probably a signal that it's not a great fit.

The therapist will not be offended if you choose not to work with them! Sometimes it takes several consultations to find the right fit. Know that it’s a process of shopping around, and be patient with it. You have the right to choose your provider, and therapy will work best when you work with someone who is a good fit.

After a consultation, you’ll schedule an intake appointment with the therapist you’ve chosen to work with. Prior to or at your intake session, you’ll sign some paperwork with your counselor and then you’ll get started!

Going to therapy is fantastic and will help you grow in big ways, so take the time up front to find a provider that works for you!

Want to schedule a consultation with one of our therapists? Email us to schedule a consultation here!