5 Tips for Times of Transition

by Abby Lombardo, LMFT

When I think about the last several months, weeks, days, one word comes to mind: flux. Everything is in flux: the season, the weather (hello heat wave!), my moods, the mandates, navigating spaces old and new. We are (and have been) in a time of transition. While change naturally happens as an ongoing process in our lives, there are some moments that significantly stand out as being marked by capital c Change. So is this time.

We are coming out of a pandemic, of lockdowns, of fear and death on a massive and personal scale. We are coming out of threat mode, unsafe mode. And depending on your expectations of what that means, it can look a lot different! And it will look a lot different for everyone. It’s important to remember there is no one way, no right way to come out of this season. We all must go through it in our own ways, guided by the decisions and values we each hold dear. With this said, I’ve put together a smattering of ideas to help you find your way through this time or any time of transition. This is part 1, with 5 tips for a time of transition. Part 2 coming soon. Take what you want, leave what you don’t.

1.      Grace

Sometimes the simplest yet most complicated act we can offer ourselves is some grace. We are experiencing a lot, something that only a few generations experience every so often throughout the course of recorded human history: a pandemic. This is new. Yes, it has been since last March… but you haven’t been here before, figuring out how to transition from pandemic to post-pandemic you, to a post-pandemic world. Ease up on yourself for having to get it right, do it the best, be the best version of yourself for everyone else, do all the (newly) socially acceptable things to do.

Grace can sound like:

Hey, I’m doing the best I can.

I don’t have answers right now, and that’s okay.

This is a lot.

These are tough decisions.

I am having a lot of feelings about this decision/etc.

I feel torn between what I want and what I need /or what I think I want or need.

This is hard.

This is new.

I don’t know how to navigate this.

Grace can look like:

Giving yourself a hug/asking for a hug.

Putting your hand on your chest/heart and saying one of the above statements.

A deep breath.

Letting go of what is not in your control.

Easing up on yourself regarding what is in your control.

Finding support in a friend/partner/person/therapist.

Letting your feelings just be.

Validating your feelings.

Doing a kind act towards yourself (i.e., self care).

2.      Moments of Stillness

The world keeps on turning, lives keep moving forward, everything is changing. Sometimes, a helpful thing to do is to purposefully stand still. Creating moments of stillness in times of change can be a way to re-ground, re-orient and find your center before plunging through the unknowns before you. In our fast-paced culture of productivity and “time as money”, moments of stillness are rare and counter-cultural. I encourage you to leave behind the all or nothing approach and seek just a few moments/minutes of stillness in this season of transition.

What moments of stillness could look like:

Drinking tea while looking out a window/being outside or by an open window/door.

Reading quietly.

Muting your phone/notifications for a limited amount of time per day to focus on 1 thing.

Mindfully cooking a meal.

Listening to a song with all of your attention.

Meditation

Sitting with or petting an animal.

Silence

Visualizations of a safe, quiet, enjoyable space/place.

Stillness of your body for only a few moments.

A deep breath or many deep breaths

A guided meditation/breathing practice

Gentle yoga

Doing a task you normally do, but slooooooowly.

Take a mindful walk around noticing things with your 5 senses.

Put your feet in sand/grass/dirt/on the earth.

The idea is that the moment of stillness can be figurative/symbolic or literal. Experiment with some ideas and see what resonates most for you. Finding a few rituals that allows you to re-ground, re-connect, and re-center can be so important in times when we are being pulled in all different and new directions.

3.      Basic Needs

In seasons of transition, it is easy to forget that we are humans: fragile, vulnerable humans in physical bodies that have very physical needs. Our minds and emotions can take us so far away from ourselves as we try to plan for the future, navigate unending challenges, or wade into the unknown. It is important to come back to the fact that we need sleep, food, water, and rest. (I purposefully separate sleep from rest because not all rest is sleep and sleep is not the only kind of rest we need.) Take a moment (or several) to see how you’ve been caring for yourself in terms of basic needs or even hygiene needs.

Sometimes these things feel very small and doable, we just forget to do them routinely throughout our day. Other times it feels like the most of gargantuan tasks, to care for ourselves. Wherever you’re at, you still have these needs. Drinking a glass of water can be a good start in a chain of other helpful behaviors that get you going in the direction you’d like to be headed towards during your day. Taking 5 seconds to stretch when you get up from your desk to go the bathroom can be a good start in the chain of helpful behaviors and rituals that reminds you to care for your body today.

The hardest part is often starting. Creating routines, rituals, and intentions is a great way to incorporate these needs into your day. Adding pleasure -- activities you enjoy or look forward to – in addition to these needs can be a good way to make it not feel like a burden or chore.

What caring for basic needs can look like:

Setting a sleep schedule with enough time to wind down and wake up.

Planning meals and chores for the week ahead of time.

Filling up a water bottle first thing in the morning.

Eating consistently throughout the day in a way that nourishes your body and gives you energy, focus, and enjoyment.

Checking in with yourself: What do I need right now?

Participating in a playful, relaxing, or pleasurable activity.

Stretching for 10 minutes at the beginning, middle, or end of day.

Taking a limited social media break to do something that is more actively caring for yourself.

Showering, brushing your teeth, washing your face, hydrating your skin/lips, etc.

Taking naps.

4.      Change your standard of success and expectations of yourself.

This is all new. You are changing. Everything is changing around you. When this is the case, we must choose to adapt. And that especially means we must choose to adapt our own expectations of ourselves. Change has a way of making us beginners again; it throws us right back into the awkward stage of figuring things out all over again. When things are shifting this much, you cannot hold yourself to a standard of when things were different. (I mean you can, but it will most often lead to a mismatch of reality, which usually adds on some more pain.) Because really, what’s happening when we hold ourselves to an old standard, we are not actually adapting to what the moment of change calls for, which is often lots and lots of flexibility and grace. Holding ourselves to rigid expectations is a surefire way to make enemies of ourselves in times of change. When we allow ourselves to lower the bar of our own expectations there is more room for celebrating the small accomplishments, giving ourselves a break, rest, etc. And these are the things that make transitions easier, not harder.

What changing your standards for yourself can look like:

Gentle, positive self talk: We did it, we made it through this day. / That was tiring, I’m going to allow myself to rest now. / Change is hard, I’m going to give myself some comfort now.

Letting go of some things on the to do list.

Focusing on 1-2 goal s or tasks per day vs. 20.

Taking breaks from hard things and then coming back to them.

Re-evaluating why you think/feel you “should” do something.

Ask yourself how you would respond if a friend were in the same situation as you with the same feelings.

Validate your feelings, just let them be. Let them be true and valid.

Stop comparing yourself to other people and what they are doing.

Celebrate the small things!

5.      Talk about it. Reach out!

We aren’t meant to do it alone all the time. Know when to ask for help. Know when to loop in a trusted person who can offer a listening ear, a sounding board, a comforting hug, or soothing words. Change is hard. When we go through change a large part of the process is re-orienting ourselves and making sense of what’s happening, sometimes again and again and again. This means, many of us need to hear ourselves out loud, talking about the same thing over and over and over again. Ever wonder why some people sound like a broken record after a breakup or a loss or a significant change happens in their life? It’s their brain’s way of trying to make sense of what just happened to them and their world. You might need this to! You might need a space to just hear yourself out. Friends, family, and therapy, along with safe online spaces can be great places to take up space and give yourself a chance to form your new narrative.

What reaching out can look like:

Asking a friend to listen without giving advice.

Asking someone if they are in a place where they can give you their full attention while you talk about something that is difficult for you to talk about.

Texting a friend.

Spending time with people who know you well.

Asking for hugs.

Letting others in on what you might be needing.

Being vulnerable and sharing how you’re truly feeling with others.

Asking for what you need directly.

Setting up regular get-togethers with different people in your social support network.

Reminding yourself you are not alone/don’t have to be alone.

Joining a therapy support groups with others experiencing similar struggles in transition: loss, grief, illness, COVID-19 support, depression, anxiety, etc.

Work with a therapist.

These lists of suggestions are not intended as more to-dos, more things to possibly fail at or not do for yourself. Instead, I encourage you to pick 1-2 items from the lists that speak to you that you are willing to experiment with and try out in your own life. Sometimes, less is more. Especially when we are already at full capacity in a shifting environment. Be intentional. Be kind. Be gentle. Be forgiving. And remember, this is new, you’ve never been here before, at this point in your life. We’re all trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got. You included.

Check out part 2 of this post here.

So You’ve Had An Existential Crisis…Now What?

by Abby Lombardo, LMFT

I’ve heard it jokingly (and sincerely) said…if you haven’t had an existential breakdown during this pandemic…are you even doing it right?

Existential crises usually involve life’s big questions: Who am I? What matters in life? What is a good life? What is worth living for? What is happiness? What makes me happy? What can I do to live a life well-lived? What do I believe in? What do I do with my time? Etc. Etc.

Basically, what I mean to convey is… if thoughts of your own mortality, the mortality of those you love, what in your life has purpose or meaning, what matters, or what to do with your life have crossed your mind in the last year – you’re in good company. It’s important to normalize a good existential crisis. They’re actually deeply important for what it means to be human and to find out how to live our best lives.

It was just this past weekend, I was feeling this ugly, unsettled feeling. Kept me restless during the day, feeling over- and under-stimulated at the same time. Bored, but not really… I was definitely uneasy. I couldn’t quite name how I was feeling. Everything in my life seemed great…nothing stood out as a “cause” for this niggling feeling. I wanted to cry and curl up in a ball for the rest of the evening. I didn’t know what to do about it or what would make it go away.

This is just one experience of an existential crisis. Yours might look completely different from this or you might resonate with this description. The point is, most of us (if not all) have ‘em. It’s a part of being human… of existing. In this post, I seek to normalize and utilize our existential crises to bring about more wellbeing and flourishing in our lives.

There’s power in naming an experience.

Once I named this experience, categorized it, gave it meaning, I was able to make a bit more sense of it. It takes awareness to name something: you first have to acknowledge it. This can be difficult when our instinct is to push away, avoid, deny, or drown these feelings. Familiarize yourself with what your own experience of existential unease looks like. It could be obvious, or not at all. Pay attention. Look for patterns. Listen to your body’s sensations. In reality, this can be a lot harder than it sounds. While this is the first step, it isn’t always so easy or simple. Really spend time with yourself and your body to familiarize yourself with how you experience existential issues popping up in your life.

Why it’s important…

Existential crises are our psyche and body’s way to tell us to pay attention! Often times, there’s an unmet need, a neglected part of ourselves that is screaming for attention. A lot of crises happen during points of transition, change, loss, or upon entering a new life stage. There’s a reason for this. As you go through life, you change. Your needs, wants, goals, dreams, abilities…etc. In order to adapt well through life’s sometimes predictable (sometimes not) changes, you need to be able to flex and grow. Having checkpoints where we engage with these bigger questions and answer them anew for ourselves (even if our answers don’t change) is a powerful way to approach the inevitable change that life demands of us. There’s a reason “midlife crisis” has become so ubiquitous in America… middle life is a time of reckoning with what life is left before you. It can be a time of drastic change, from family life (empty nesters, divorce, caretaking or death/loss of parents, etc.) to personal life (questions of retirement, reckoning with physical health, abilities, ailments, etc., questions of did I spend my time well…). The list goes on. Our ability to face ourselves and take the time to ask and answer life’s big questions can be the difference of aging well with grace or living in denial or despair. (A note here that existential crises can happen at any age, not just during mid-life.)

What you can do…

So let’s say you’ve spent some time with yourself, you’ve noticed the unique constellation of sensations, symptoms, and feelings that mean you, too, are experiencing some existential anxiety. What now?

The next step is to lean in.

Lean into the discomfort.

Be curious about it.

When do you feel it most? Is it before work? After work? When you’re all alone? When you aren’t being entertained by TV, social media, or others?

In the discomfort, lies the key to further understanding.

To lean in requires us to be brutally honest with ourselves and our own penchants to avoid, distract, numb, or deny. We need to call ourselves out and our many ways of coping. As a species, human beings generally avoid discomfort and seek comfort. We must go opposite this innate tendency to find any type of answer.

Once you lean in, be curious, and be honest you can finally start to listen and interpret what you’re hearing.

How to listen:

Well, so far you’ve been doing a great job increasing awareness, acknowledging feelings as they come, identifying/naming the pattern of sensation and emotion. You’ve been leaning in with curiosity and honesty, challenging your innate and learned response patterns to discomfort.

Now what?

This is the time to ask yourself: What is my psyche/body trying to tell me? What is it trying to communicate? What do I need or want? Is there something I’m neglecting (a need/ a part of myself)? Am I unhappy with some aspect of my life that I’m not addressing? Am I internalizing something I need to externalize (anger, pain, grief, shame, guilt “negative” feelings)? What could I do to address this need/want? What can I learn about myself from this experience?

These can be powerful questions to unlocking the answers you need to move forward and through your existential crises. While this list is helpful, it is far from exhaustive. You will need to reckon with questions of your own that aren’t included in this compilation, but this can be a good start.

Now that you’re asking, you can use what you’ve learned from the past steps of identifying, leaning in, being curious and honest to listen to your emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual responses to these questions. Our bodies don’t often respond to us with words. Our bodies talk with sensations, emotions, pain, ailments, tension, energy, color, memories, images, temperature, vibration, movement, etc. Try to listen from these different modalities. And if this is something that does not feel accessible to your or feels like a foreign language – that’s okay! Just like any other language, the language of our bodies is something we learn and practice. It is never perfectly understood, we just get a bit better at it. A therapist can help you learn your body’s language and connect you deeper with yourself by learning how to listen and respond to what your body is telling you.

Great! You’ve come so far already! Next are the last steps of interpreting and responding!

Let’s say you’ve realized that you feel tension in your shoulders every time you get off work. Your energy level sinks once you transition from work-time to non-work time. You feel rushed and like no amount of time is enough time to relax and attend to all the other things (or people) that need your attention. You’re spent. You get sick often. Your body doesn’t know how to relax. You get headaches or stomachaches, too. You feel irritable all of the time. Your sleep quality is miserable and not satisfying. You feel exhausted, depressed, and anxious most of the time.

This vignette presents the myriad ways your body tries to let you know something needs attending to. Now, there’s no one right way to attend to these sensations/feelings/signs. This same person can try getting massages 1x/month, going to therapy, quitting their job, balancing work and life with improved boundaries, learning how to care for their needs outside of work, learning relaxation and stress management skills, finding a better support system, etc. For every one need, there’s many, many ways to try and respond to trying to meet that need. Interpreting what the need is and what response fits the best can be tricky. It is often a case of trial and error. Remember, the language of our bodies is more of an art than a science. It will never be perfectly clear all of the time. We must guess. We must experiment. Try and try again. The great part is our bodies often respond well simply to us just responding at all! Even if we get it wrong. You acknowledging, naming, leaning in, asking, listening, interpreting, and trying to respond builds trust with yourself – which communicates: When something needs attention – you will attend to it. You will not be neglected or abandoned in your need.

It is this self-trust that we build out of this process that gives us the confidence and resilience to flexibly navigate life’s curve balls, it’s sufferings and joys. When we learn the language of our own psyche and body (yes, existential crises is our psyche and body speaking to us), we learn everything we need to make it through. You have a navigational system already internally-wired. Consider this a truncated, generic version of an owner’s manual.

When talking about existential questions, I must reserve some space for leaving room for the Unknown. The Unknown represents the things we cannot answer, the things we cannot control, the change that inevitably awaits us. Sometimes, you won’t have an answer to how you’re feeling, you won’t know what to call it, it won’t have a name or a sensation that makes sense, you won’t know what you need, you won’t know how to meet that need that you don’t know about, you won’t know the best way through this…that is utterly and deeply normal and okay! Part of the process is trusting the process and interfacing with discomfort--and for a large majority of humans, not knowing makes us wildly uncomfortable.

And so, the next time you have an existential crisis (‘cause there is most likely going to be another one)…I hope these words can be a guide for you to start learning the language of your own psyche and body, so that you can grow and find the flourishing and wellbeing that comes from attending to all parts of what it means to be human.

5 Beginner Friendly Plants for Your Mental Health

Plants are with us in every breath- from the weeds in the sidewalk cracks to the giant Redwoods.  They are integral to our life (and all life!) on this planet. When we breathe in, we are breathing in the product of our leafy friends!

Plants, specifically houseplants, are having a moment right now. They are everywhere on social media, many non-plant stores have begun selling lil’ succulents, and you might have seen them on the shelves and tables at your local coffee shop!

Ah yes, taking a moment to revel in the resurgence of plants as having value to us as humans!

Indoor plants have such amazing benefits as:

-lifting your mood

-keeping moisture in the air, which helps prevent colds and flus

-reducing stress levels

-increasing feelings of well being for those who are experiencing depression, anxiety and other mental health conditions (*)

That being said, taking care of plants, especially if you are a beginner, can be a daunting task. 

I have been paying closer attention lately to the care certain plant babies of mine require, and have been noticing that some are less finicky and more forgiving than others. This is my list of 5 starter plants for newbies, based on my personal experience as a burgeoning houseplant cultivator:

1. Pothos

Ah. pothos! These plants are sold almost everywhere plants are sold, including IKEA! That is where I got my first one years ago. Usually sold for $6-$8, they grow quickly and don’t require much knowledge to get started.

Pothos need to be watered about once every week - two weeks, depending on the season. They will need less water in the winter and more in the summer. You can test the soil by sticking your finger in up to the first knuckle and seeing if its dry or still moist. Also, if you forget to water them, or do the finger test- they will always tell you they are thirsty! Their leaves will start to wilt and face downwards. When this happens, give them a good drink of water and they will pop back up in a day or so!

Pothos do well in mild to indirect light, which is perfect for Seattle homes and apartments! I put one in a dark-ish corner, and was worried she wouldn’t survive…. To my surprise and delight, she loves that dark corner!

They can be rotated to grow evenly and more bushy, or they can be kept in one position and the vines will reach down to the floor. They are lovely for bookcases and shelves as their gentle sloping vines are quite pretty!

2. Aloe vera

Aloe vera is another plant that is easy to find most places, including the QFC! They usually cost $5-$10 and again, begin as smaller guys. Aloe vera is so lovely because they adore getting dried out, so for those of you who are worried about remembering to water, aloe vera is a good choice!

Aloe will grow strongly and consistently in direct sunlight, but also do well in bright indirect light, like a north facing window that gets good light but doesn’t get direct sunbeams. 

They also aren’t complainers. I had an aloe in the pot he came in from the grocery store for years...no complaint from him! He even gave me several new growths. I replanted him about 2 months ago and he’s happily growing even bigger. Aloe vera is hearty and resilient. They can take a little bit of neglect.

Bonus- they can easily be trimmed with scissors or a knife for some soothing relief for burns or cuts.

3. Wandering Dude

Wandering dude is an absolute favorite of mine, as he does really well with breaks between waterings and grows strongly and quickly. You may be familiar with him by his historically known name, wandering jew, and this lovely article explains the plant community’s shift away from using that name for this plant. This plant is also often call an inch plant.

I got my wandering dude from taking clippings from a friend’s house. Clip off a few stems from the larger plant, and put them in water for 3-5 days. Little tiny white roots will appear, which is the clue it is time to plant him in soil! The amazing thing is, he can survive in water for a while…… (ahem, yep, like 9 months because I was being forgetful!) and then will still take to soil. 

I have seen these guys at many plant stores for between $10-$15. The vibrant greens and purples on their leaves frequently leave me in awe. The natural sparkle the leaves have inspires me daily. 

4. Jade

Wow, ok, discovering my bias as I write this because I LOVE jade. I find them stunningly beautiful! They are also a succulent, like aloe vera, which means jade does well when she isn’t watered that frequently. Jade should be watered when her soil is dry (the finger test will do) but she can handle longer bouts of no water. So if you realize it’s been a while since you watered her, like 3 weeks or a month, go ahead and give her a drink! Much like aloe, she prefers a sunny spot (yes, I mean where direct sunbeams can touch her) but will do well in bright, indirect light. 

Jade plants begin small, and are frequently sold for as little as $3 for a tiny one to $10 for a more moderately sized one. When they are young/small they are completely green, including the stalk. As they begin to mature, their stalk turns into bark! Talk about swooning! I have several jades which all seemed to be the same when I got them as littles, but who have grown up with very different personalities. Jade is a friendly plant who really likes to be talked to! Perfect if you are looking for a plant companion. Personally, all my jades are on my kitchen table (gets the best light) and I enjoy filling them in on my day. 

5. Shamrock/ Oxalis 

I admit that I was a reluctant owner of two lil’ shamrock oxalis. A neighbor dumped them on me! Now, I have come to love and admire them. They are the only one on this list who opens and closes their leaves at night time. WOW! It is such a treat to watch the leaves open in the morning, and close in the evening. Plants are very much alive, and this daily ritual is a grounding reminder of that. 

These guys are unique on this list in more than one way-- they also prefer to be “bottom fed”. This means that watering them from above with a cup or a watering can is ok- they will survive. But what they really prefer is to soak up water from below- so making sure their pot has drainage holes in it, and placing it in a bowl full of water, or a sink or tub. I let them drink it up for a few hours and then return them to their spots. Their soil will become cracked and hard on top when they need to be watered, and they will also tell you with their leaves-- they’ll begin to droop. A good bottom feeding session and they are back to normal! 

I also love that they have varied colors, between purple and green, with some light reds. Their delicate triangle leaves are quite unique and you will again find these at most plant stores for about $8. They enjoy most types of light. They can get a little crispy and burned if they are kept in direct sunlight, so indirect or low light is a good bet for these guys!

That is my starter list for a plant newbie! I hope you enjoyed! Again, this list is not exhaustive, it is simply a list of the top five easiest to care for plants that I am personally familiar with. And the plants who have forgiven me when I have forgotten to water them!

A few other beginner’s notes:

-It is ok to water your plants with tap water! That is what I do! Adding a liquid plant food in the summer months can be a nice addition, but is definitely not a requirement. They will do fine without it.

-Start small- try getting one plant from this list (or a different list!) and see how they do for a few weeks. Do you like having it around? Do you remember to look at it and check in?  If not, that’s ok! Plant care is a new habit and habits take time.

-Plants are sold lots of places! If there isn’t a plant specific store near you, try Home Depot/ Lowes/ Fred Meyer/ QFC. They frequently have really great selection and low prices on small plants.

-You can do this! Plant care can be very simple, and if you want a plant, then now is the right time to get one!

Happy planting!

10 Ways to Connect with Yourself

by Abby Lombardo, LMFT

1.     Write a “Where I’m From” poem.

What it is: The Where I’m From poems are part of the I Am From Project (for examples and more information: https://iamfromproject.com/poems-thru-8-2020/) connecting people to themselves and to each other through our personal stories and backgrounds. It is a type of prompted poem that incorporates aspect of your history, background, family, location, identities, memories, and feelings of your beginnings.

Why it works: Often times, we forget that stories are deeply connecting and help us make sense of our own existence. Humans are storytellers, brains respond well to stories. They give us a framework for our experiences and for things we do and do not quite understand. Working on a “Where I’m From” poem could help you connect to aspects of you that have gone unexamined, but that remain an integral part of who you are and how you see the world today.

2.     Create rituals and routines.

What it is: Just like stories, most brains and bodies respond well to rituals and routines. Maybe it is a morning routine, a way to make space for time that does not belong to anyone else or your job or your never-ending to-do list. Maybe it is an after-work routine, a way to unwind your body and mind. Maybe it is a bed time routine, a way to cue your mind when it is time to rest and get sleepy. Whatever and whenever it may be, a ritual or routine can be a great way to connect with yourself better.

Why it works: I once heard: wherever we spend time, we invest it. Wherever we give our time, one of our most valuable and limited resources, is where we are investing ourselves. Rituals and routines are powerful placeholders in our fast- and faster- paced lives because they cause us to invest time in what sustains us, give us moments of pause and intention, and create structure around what we truly value and need.

3.     Move.

What it is: When I use the term movement, I use it very intentionally. I’m purposefully not using the world “exercise”, though that does fall under the umbrella of “movement”. Movement is anything from neck and shoulder rolls, to yoga, to Pilates, to stretching, to shaking, to dancing and all and everything else that you can do with your body!

Why it works: Finding joyful movement, moves that feel good, create feel good feelings, etc. is one of the body’s natural ways to process emotional energy and boost mood! Some movement is challenging and sweat-inducing, some movement is calm and relaxing, whatever your body needs and wants go for it! Remember to have fun with it, stay within your body’s limitations, and that you do not have to move if you do not want to!

4.     Use your breath.

What it is: Your breath is most often the most accessible way to connect with yourself—it’s always there. Connecting to yourself through your breath can happen many different ways:

• simply noticing your breath as it is with no changes (the speed, depth, quality, sound, sensation, movement of body parts, temperature of the air, etc.)

• deepening your inhales and exhales (counting can help you slow down your breathing and keep your mind busy)

• adding a pause at the top or bottom of your breath (stopping when you’re full of air and stopping when your lungs are completely emptied. *not fully recommended for those who experience panic attacks or are triggered by holding their breaths.

Why it works: Your breath can tell you a lot about your current state of being. Is your system under stress? Are you scared…relaxed? Breathing is also a powerful tool in changing your current state of being. While breathing changes in response to your brain and body reacting to the environment or situation, it can also work in reverse – something called bidirectionality. Breathing signals your body and brain how to respond to the environment, too! By intentionally noticing and then deepening your breath, you are increasing awareness of your body’s response and are giving it a chance to change that response.

5.     Start a “Body Letters Series”.

What it is: When I was working in a higher-level of care eating disorder treatment center, we would have daily therapeutic groups for clients to learn (and unlearn) some things about their relationship to themselves along their recovery journey. One of the most powerful prompts we ever used around connecting people to their bodies is called “The Body Letters Series”. The prompt is this: write a letter to your Body. Then, have your Body write back. You can keep it going as long as you’d like, back and forth, back and forth.

Why it works: In dominant American culture, we are not taught to relate to our body as a being, instead it is a thing, object, project, toy, etc. When we change the way we relate to our body, we create so much more room for change within the relationship. And relationships include all types of feelings and thoughts: love, hate, ambivalence, grief… When we realize that our body has something to say, some wisdom to share with us, we are fundamentally changing how we relate to ourselves. The truth is our bodies have an ancient type of knowledge, one of instinct and intuition, of the intangible. This means that our bodies do not often speak in words, but in images, feelings, sensations, memories, pain, colors, temperature, movements, etc. Body Letters can be a start to allowing your Body the room to speak. Since words might be limited, then you might tweak the prompt and instead of writing a letter—you sit still and ask your body what it has to share with you. The more we do this, the better we can connect to this ancient somatic wisdom that is always with us, always a part of us.

6.     Validate yourself.

What it is: I’ve come across clients who were never given validation for their internal experience, who then never learned how to give themselves the validation they so desperately sought, that we all need. This is when I learned the importance of validation and the power of giving it to yourself.

How to validate: 1) acknowledge emotion/sensation/feeling/thought/whatever is part of your experience, 2) name or identify this experience (if you can, if not stay with it and go to next step) 3) say to yourself one or some of these phrases (or something like it):

• “It makes sense that I am experiencing this (because…)”

• “Wow, I’m having a hard time struggling with this.”

• “This is hard.”/ This is scary. / This is overwhelming./ This is ____.”

• “I’m experiencing a lot right now.”

Why it works: This 3-step validation process encourages us to acknowledge and accept our experience without trying to change it or berate ourselves for feeling it. This process allows space for self-compassion and self-kindness in the form of simple acceptance: This is what I’m feeling. This is ____. From here, we have more room to respond how we want to: with kindness, with comfort, with rest, with asking for help, etc. When we learn how to validate our own experience, we can become less desperate for others to meet that need for us and we get better at meeting it ourselves.

7.     Keep small promises to yourself & offer yourself what you need.

What it is: Connecting with yourself through keeping small promises or giving yourself what you need follows nicely after self-validation mentioned in #6. Keeping small promises to yourself builds self-trust. For example, maybe you know already that planning your meals helps you eat more consistently, then keeping the promise to meal plan is a way to take care of yourself and offer yourself what you need. Maybe you know that after you journal, you feel a release of emotion and you feel better, then keeping the promise to journal builds trust that you will do what you need when you need it. The possibilities are endless: going to bed at the time you set for yourself, giving yourself time to read or space out during your day, drinking enough water, it really doesn’t matter what it is as long as it is something you can reasonably offer yourself without getting caught up in the self-shame spiral of “I didn’t do it today”. Self-trust is also forgiving yourself and doing your best at the next opportunity.

Why it works: Your body, your psyche needs to know that you will listen and respond to its needs as they come to your attention. A lot of times we are not paying attention to our needs, physical or emotional or otherwise! Once we cultivate the awareness, we have the responsibility to ourselves to act in a way to meet these needs. If we don’t, bad things usually follow: somatic symptoms, pain, anxiety, depression, restlessness, illness, etc. etc. Needs can be small: drinking water, 3 meals a day, 20 minute naps or they can be abstract needs: purpose, direction, hope. The more practice we get at listening and following through with what we need, the more we connect to ourselves and the better we move through this world.

8.     Create a “Body Poem”.

What it is: Much like Body Letters, Body Poems are something I discovered in my own healing journey that allowed me to better connect to my body from a more body neutral capacity. Body Poems are poems, prose, or writings about each body part and what that body part has endured or how it functions to support you as a human being.

Why it works: Body Neutrality, the idea that we can relate to our bodies not for how they look or their shape or size but for what they can do, how they function, and how they support daily life. Body neutrality offers a different way to connect with ourselves, our bodies, that lies outside of the “you must love yourself and you are beautiful all the time and you should feel beautiful all the time because you are just the way you are” extreme body positivity culture. For some, that standard is just too far away and it creates shame and guilt in others. Body positivity is amazing! For some of us, body neutrality is also an amazing, hard-earned place to be at with ourselves. Body Poems allow us to really spend time with the separate parts of our bodies, diving into what they hold for us (memories, pain…) and what they do for us (breathe, lift, move, beat, embrace, rest, dance…).

9.     Try something new!

What it is: Could be anything! Try a new hobby, creative pursuit, a new outfit, a new game, a new skill, a new genre of book!

Why it works: Trying something new is a great way to discover parts of yourself you’ve not interacted with. When we face novel situations, we learn a lot about ourselves. We learn that we’re actually rather hard on ourselves and like to be too perfectionistic. We learn that we’re actually rather suited to embroidery or rock climbing. We learn how we fare through new challenges, hopefully earning a new sense of pride and confidence or learning to be okay with not being the best at everything.

10.  Go to therapy! :)

What it is: weekly, biweekly, monthly, etc. sessions with a mental health professional where you can work on challenges, practice new responses, create new insights, and acknowledge past dynamics. It’s a space to be heard, seen, understood, validated, and challenged.

Why it works: It’s the magic of therapy. It’s the deep healing that happens within a therapeutic relationship between two people willing to show up and see what happens. Therapy can be what you make it, and you only get out what you put in. Therapy is an excellent tool for connecting better with yourself and with others. If you’re thinking this might be the time for you to start therapy, click here to inquire about our team’s availability!

***Disclaimer: Some of these 10 ideas for connecting with yourself could connect you to some deep pain or trauma in working with your body or self in a new way. If this is the case, please stop or take it slow, know that you do not have to do this alone, and seek out help from a professional.

Pre and Post Therapy Session Recommendations

Your time just before and right after therapy is just as important as the actual session.

Here's what we recommend before your therapy session:

-review your journal from last week to your refresh memory about what you talked about and orient back towards your therapy process

-ask yourself how you are feeling (you know your therapist is gonna ask!!)

-ask yourself what, if anything specific, you feel you need today in therapy (it's okay if you don't know, your therapist can help you explore this),

-reflect on how you want to spent the session, note anything specific you want to talk about today,

-take a sip of water and a few deep breaths.

Don't (or try not to): rush to therapy from another meeting/task/place...take transition time (even with virtual therapy). This will help you gather yourself and get more out of your sessions. Otherwise, you have to spend the first 5-10 or more minutes just getting oriented to the change of scene/emotional tone/relationship.

Here's what we recommend after therapy:

-take a few deep breaths, don't just rush to the next thing,

-get out your journal! Write about:

-what are your key takeaways from the session?

 -what do you want to remember this time next week?

-what do you want to practice during the week? when/how will you do that? 

-what was your homework, if your therapist gave you any? how do you feel about this homework? when will you do it? if you feel hesitation about the homework, what makes it feel difficult/scares you about it?

-reflect on how you can take care of yourself for the rest of the day?

-drink water. breathe, eat a snack, take a nap.

This post-therapy integration is where you can set intentions for the week. It's where you can take the hard work of therapy and start to explore how you can apply it to your actual day to day life. Remember, therapy is only one out of 168 hours in a week!