How Riverbank Therapy Got Its Name

by Founder, Toni Aswegan, LMHC, NCC

It is surprisingly difficult to name a therapy practice. When I started Riverbank Therapy, I knew I wanted to expand into a group practice and so I did not want to name it “Toni Aswegan Therapy”. That makes no sense if other therapists would also be working in the practice in the future (which, they are! This team is kickass). I wanted to find a name for the practice that would be encompassing of all sizes of the practice, and that reflected the type of work we do here.

I also didn’t want it to be cheesy AF.

My partner and I sat at dinner for a month throwing words back and forth:

“Rise”…

“Thrive”…

”Evolve”…

all the words you might associate with the therapy process.

Also, all words that felt meaningless and corny to me (no shade at practices with these names, they just don’t feel authentic to me or how I practice therapy).

So, in a last ditch effort to find a good name, I went to my trusty bookshelf. I read voraciously, especially books about therapy, human development, mindfulness, and emotions. I keep all of the books I’ve read related to my work on my office bookshelf, and often reference my notes and highlights in those books.

In the search for a name, I pulled down the books that had the biggest impact on my therapy style and my own personal growth.

Books like the Body Keeps the Score, Trauma Stewardship, and, Wherever You Go, There You Are.

I started flipping through pages, and reading the excerpts I had underlined.

In writing this blog post I went back through several of those books to find the exact quote that inspired me, but alas, I could not find it again! It must have truly been kismet that I found it once and not again.

 In any case, one of the underlined sections described mindfulness practice as sitting on the banks of a river, watching the current go by, carrying sticks and leaves with it, but staying grounded and steady on the riverbank.

It was perfect. Riverbank Therapy.

As a long time meditator, and a therapist who brings mindfulness practices into sessions with clients, this was it. A metaphor for being present, observing, and not being swept up by the currents. Not only is that what I do as a therapist, it’s what I support my clients in learning how to do with their own emotions, and is much of the magic of the therapy process.

Not to mention, “Riverbank” didn’t sound cheesy to me. A win all around.

So, there you have it! Riverbank Therapy. Mindfulness, grounded-ness, presence.

If you want to work with one of our therapists, head to our contact form and we’ll get your free 20 minute consultation scheduled. Like I said, we have a RAD team of therapists here, and our intake coordinator can help you find the best fit.

Premarital and Pre-Commitment Counseling

By: Abby Lombardo, LMFT

What is Prepare/Enrich?

Prepare/Enrich is a program used with couples to improve the quality and satisfaction of their relationship via an evidence-supported assessment that allows for personalized feedback, discussion, and relationship skills training.  It serves well as Premarital & Pre-commitment Counseling, in addition to a relationship tune-up & check-in for couples at any stage in their relationship.

Who is it for?

The assessment customizes itself automatically based on the general demographic information provided by the couple at the time of taking the assessment. The assessment itself takes about 30-45 minutes, taken by each individual separately and costs $35. The assessment asks questions related to your attitudes and what you think your partner’s attitudes are towards roles, commitment, dynamics, conflict, family, spirituality, and personality in the context of your relationship. It is not a pass/fail type of test. Research-backed, the assessment gives a snapshot depiction of your relationship and its strengths and growth areas, which then become the content for our following sessions. We identify where you might require the help of some more tools or insight and practice right there in session the very skills you’ll use outside the therapy room.

Couples who can benefit from Prepare/Enrich include premarital couples, couples thinking about taking the next step in their relationship whether that is engagement, marriage, or neither. Couples in later stages of their relationship are also encouraged to try this program, as it can teach skills that are helpful for everyday fights and recurring struggles, and even stepfamily-specific issues.

It can be used as prevention and a tune-up for strong relationships or a honed-in detector for problematic areas in struggling relationships.

What will I get from it?

As a trained facilitator, I will walk you through your personalized feedback highlighting strengths and matching growth areas with skills and education. We meet for as many sessions as you would like to dive into the rich information provided by your answers to the assessment -- many couples choose to meet for 6-10 one-hour sessions.

We’ll have some fun as well as some honest, open dialogue that gets to the heart of your experience in your relationship--the good and the not so good.

You will leave our time together with a better understanding of yourselves not only as individuals but as a team, feeling more prepared to take on future challenges with the insight, knowledge, and skills acquired from our sessions.

Skills training addresses important skills such as assertiveness (how to effectively ask for what you need or want from your partner/relationship), conflict resolution (10 step formula to help you walk through disagreement), and stress management (how to address stressors as a couple). It makes sense then that taking the Prepare/Enrich assessment prior to marriage has been found to reduce your risk of divorce by 30%!

Every couple has patterns they must acknowledge, address, and work on together if they are to be successful in navigating this modern-day world with its many distractions and demands. The Prepare/Enrich program reminds us that relationships take work.

One more time, in case you missed that: Every relationship takes work.

The work can be hard, but also very rewarding. Not many people have had access to a “How To Have Successful Relationships” course that prepares them with the knowledge and skills they need to have satisfying, happy, healthy relationships throughout their lifespan. Consider the Prepare/Enrich program your personalized relationship course, specifically molded to your relationship’s unique needs.

It’s never too late to learn how to do relationship better or to learn the skills that can improve your connection and communication.

If you’re interested in benefitting from the Prepare/Enrich program, reach out to us on the contact page and request to work with Abby!

Source: Why Prepare-Enrich? Prepare-Enrich. Retrieved from: https://www.prepare-enrich.com/couples/why-prepare-enrich/

Marriage Therapist's Take On "Love Is Blind" Season 2

by: Abby Birk, LMFT

*Disclaimer: We have not met with these individuals or couples. We are not their therapists. We are not pathologizing or diagnosing. The purpose of this post is to explore common dynamics that show up in intimate relationships, in the hopes of providing helpful tools and strategies to build strong, happy, healthy relationships.

Couple: Shayne & Natalie

S2E5: "Leaving Paradise"  (32:29 - 36:09) - Expressing & Meeting Needs

At 33:55, Shayne covertly compliments Natalie by saying her dress looks sexy, though the context around the compliment is awkward (asking if she would wear that to meet his mom). Natalie then replies with humor to match a question that sounded ridiculous to her. You can see Shayne's demeanor totally changes, his face falls, his gaze lowers, and his body caves in on itself. Physical reactions like this can be a way to let our partners know when something is impacting us, if we're paying attention. This is a common defense mechanism: putting a piece of ourselves out there but with the protection of a funny comment or other distracting element. Natalie, of course, misses the subtext because of the awkwardly sandwiched compliment. We see this often happen in relationships- putting a feeler out there without being assertive or direct with your partner as a way to protect yourself from rejection or being missed by your partner.

It's a symptom of feeling insecure or vulnerable in saying how you really feel about someone. This is something that they struggled with throughout their relationship on the show. Then he asks "That's the person you love, right?" he is continuing to test her on if he is enough as he is, is he acceptable to her. She responds with a meek "Yeah." To which he responds in mock outrage, "Could you give me a little more love than that or no?" What he's really asking for is verbal assurance so that he can feel safe enough to go there emotionally with her and not get rejected and left heartbroken.

Natalie responds in a way where it seems she is expecting Shayne to be more confident in their relationship and not need verbal assurance or for her to "brag" about it to others. Unpacking this, we usually find narratives shaped by societal expectations and our families (i.e "men don't need reassurance" or specifically for certain POC communities, vulnerable reassurance communicated as verbal expression is not the most comfortable or typical way to communicate love, care, and respect.)

Shayne comments, "You gotta give our relationship a little more credit." I believe this is his way of asking for more softness from Natalie, more vulnerable statements about her true feelings about him and their relationship. In the conversation where Shayne reflects with Natalie on the lack of "good" things or affectionate language they share about their relationship: "How often do you say how good it is..? " Natalie responds, "Why do I have to?" He's not asking for what he needs, he's asking for her to change or be more like him...when there might be some cultural differences at play that make that less comfortable or less natural for her.

This would have been a good opportunity for Natalie to soften and really clarify what Shayne was noticing about their relationship and why it's important. DEFENSIVENESS IS A GREMLIN!! It's the vulnerable humanness in us trying to protect itself.

Usually, defensiveness shows up where we feel most vulnerable or insecure. And in light of the rest of the season, you can really come to understand Shayne's deep-seated fear of not being enough or not being accepted as he is. And this is why he's asking for reassurance, but he's not doing it in a direct and inviting way that allows Natalie to feel safe and open enough to listen and respond in a way that would increase emotional intimacy.

The conversation gets derailed quickly as they both get triggered into their defensive and protective postures.

Natalie's self-aware statement of "I'm just like shutting down during it right now." would have been a good time to stop the conversation, take a break, a few deep breaths, and to soften towards each other and lead with curiosity about their partner's needs, desires, and expectations.

If this feels right, adding in words of affirmation like: "This conversation is really hard, but I want to figure this out with you." "I love you and want you to feel heard."

And: "It's important to me that you can let me know what you need and we can find a way to support each other's needs without asking each other to change who we are."

In my work with heterosexual couples, asking a cisgender male-identified partner to compromise or change behavior can feel like a threat to their autonomy, sense of self, ego, and individuality. I'm often asking: Where's the line between healthy compromise, flexing to meet your partner's needs and losing sense of your own needs?

This is a difficult area for most couples I see in therapy, too. I think it's about normalizing that every couple has their differences that they need to manage, not solve. Like for this couple, maybe Natalie will never feel comfortable bragging openly about her private relationship, but she could assure Shayne with other types of affection, verbally or physically, to reassure him and make him aware of how she feels about him. They can create their own secret, shared language that communicates care and affection.

This could be a moment for Shayne to reassess his own needs and ask himself if he will feel fulfilled with a partner who has limitations in the area of verbal affection. Or, in the long run, he could acknowledge that what he's asking is challenging to Natalie and meet her efforts with appreciation. Compromise can be hard!

Both partners are still relatively new to each other and insecure and sussing each other out. That's where you can see a lot of these types of issues arise because you don't know how to ask for the reassurance and the vulnerability you're really seeking because you feel too vulnerable in even asking for it, for fear of not getting it. The "I'm done" comment from Shayne totally shatters the sense of we're in this together and really leaves each partner isolated and activated, which I'm sure, is not how this couple wanted the evening to end. Hopefully with our breakdown, you can see at which points the conversation derailed and what can be done differently to keep this type of important conversation on track.

Couple: Danielle & Nick

S2E6: "Back to Reality"  (32:08 - 36:00 ) - Anxiety & Insecurity

Danielle leads with a trap. Due to what appears to be negative past relationship experience and resulting anxious insecure attachment, Danielle is scared that Nick will leave her when he truly gets to know who he's going to marry. In an attempt to be open with Nick, she brings up her intrusive thoughts and how they makes her second guess Nick's commitment, basically overanalyzing his reaction to meeting her family. She then creates a trap for Nick because her assumptions are not based on how he says he feels, but are based on a fearful projection of how she interpreted the situation; therefore, there's no real opportunity for him to soothe her or convince her otherwise. In essence, she creates the very scenario she feared: Nick pulling away from her due to her flaws (i.e., anxiety).

Yikes! It seems like she was feeling extremely anxious about this interaction with her family and placed a lot of importance on the outcome of the day. But because he didn't express his emotion in the way that her self-constructed narrative told her he should have, it led her to believe that the day with her family wasn't as important to him as it was to her. Even when Nick responds that there were things that were troubling him, Danielle overlooks his own emotional needs or his even space to show up with differing emotions.

She jumped to conclusions that went from: you aren't expressing excitement in the way I want you to, and you are expressing negative emotions about something else, to: you aren't excited about how things went with my family, to: you don't love me "for the right reasons." This is an example of our assumptions getting in the way of truly emotionally connecting with our partners and creating space for all emotions, even contradictory ones that show up in the same day.

A helpful strategy for this moment: step back and listening in for when our own assumptions and storylines are not matching what our partners are attempting to explain. Helpful phrases look like "The story I made up in my head was this..." and leaving space for your partner to share their experience of the event as well. A response could be "Oh, I didn't know that's what you were going through or feeling in that moment, how can I better support you next time?" Ideally, both partners would engage with these helpful phrases at this point in the conversation.

I would start with validation. Nick did try to validate why this is so important to Danielle and reassure her. Danielle could have chosen to validate that Nick had other events and emotions outside of meeting her family. This would be a good time to say to each other: "This is important to you that I enjoy spending time with your family and I truly did enjoy them and I'm excited for what that means in the future." And Danielle could easily say, "I want to be there to support you when you're experiencing difficult feelings outside of the relationship." Conflict avoided. Instead the conversation devolves as both become triggered and activated into attack-and-defend mode. Leading to Danielle's "I can't do this anymore." The conversation did not need to end up in a place that felt threatening to their relationship, because the threat was due to anxiety, anxious thoughts, assumed expectations, and insecurity stemming from Danielle feeling extremely vulnerable and insecure about Nick choosing to marry her with her flaws and all. She created a self-fulfilling prophecy by letting her anxiety lead the conversation, pushing her partner away instead of pulling him closer and attuning to each other's emotional needs in the moment.

Interactions between couples are complicated. We miss cues for connection all the time because of past relationship experiences, our current emotional experience, or fears of the future. It's even worse when we unintentionally create conflict or derail productive conversations because of these reasons. Couples therapy can be a useful and supportive place to work through these stuck patterns, to catch each other's cues, and to build better communication strategies -- ultimately cultivating more safety and connection in the relationship.

5 More Tips for Times of Transition

By: Abby Lombardo, LMFT

If you missed part one of this post, head here to read it now! 

6. It’s OK to not be OK.

       The phrase “It’s OK to not be OK” is meant to normalize your experience, whatever the not okayness may be or may stem from. It is sad to me that we need these reminders, because the society we live in, in most of America, subscribes to this toxic positivity, good vibes only, put your best foot forward at all times, filtered social media persona… The messiness of our humanity is often experienced behind closed doors. And when that is the case, we often isolate ourselves further because of the lack of representation or the belief that no one else has moments like these, struggles like these. What I mean when I say it’s okay, is that it is NORMAL. It is part of the range of human experiences. Shit happens. Life happens. It is not a personal failing. You are not failing at life. When things become significantly distressing and cause bigger issues in our life, that’s a sign to address and work on some things, maybe with a therapist. Still, most of my sessions, despite the issue or diagnosis of the client, is about reminding people that what they are experiencing is valid, it makes sense, and it is a normal experience within the realm of human experiences. We often have to start there before we can get anywhere else.

What it’s OK to not be OK looks like:

Being sad.

Grieving.

Crying.

Hugging yourself.

Telling a friend how you’re truly doing.

Being vulnerable with your partner about your needs in the relationship.

Being messy.

Having a bad day.

Not feeling generous towards people.

Not wanting to say yes to things, people, events, invites…

Not wanting to smile.

Not forcing yourself to smile.

Taking a mental health/sick/self care day off from work.

Not liking yourself or how you look.

Feeling anxious

Feeling depressed.

7. Know when to take control and when to let go.

This is a common struggle I can highlight in my own life and the life of most of my clients: the struggle to know when to take control and when to just let a thing go. They are two very important skills. One, feeling empowered in your sense of agency and sense of self control in the world. Two, feeling the peace of knowing you’ve done all you can and it is now time to switch course, pivot, regroup, and proceed differently. The third skill is knowing how to discern when the situation calls for one or the other. So, how do you know when it’s time to take control and empower yourself to push through or to relinquish control and graciously surrender?

What taking control and letting go can look like:

Asking yourself:

What is my goal here?

Am I afraid of something happening if I let go of control?

       What do I have the ability to impact in this situation?

       What would accepting the situation do for me?

Realizing the limits of your own control.

Surrendering to the unknown mystery of life that cannot be controlled.

Practicing meditation.

Move your body, which can help regulate your nervous system and the intensity of the situation.

8. Connect with yourself.

The world is raging around you. Sometimes, you have nowhere else to go but inward. I encourage you to make a home within yourself. A retreat. A place where you can rest, gain insight, sit with what is, explore a new place through visualization, imagination, reading, curiosity. Cultivate connection with yourself in a way that becomes your best resource when everything around you feels too much or too out of control. In order to do this, we often have to shine a light on all the shadowy corners of our selves we’d really rather not have to face. These are the most important places we can go in order to befriend ourselves. When we can engage the parts of ourselves we deem unworthy, shameful, or unacceptable with curiosity, compassion, and gentleness then we can learn to inhabit ourselves more fully. Embodied people learn to be grateful for their shadows, because they have much to teach us about ourselves.

What connecting with our selves can look like:

Journaling.

Being vulnerable.

Identifying areas where you carry shame.

Identifying parts of yourself you often reject or find intolerable in others.

Sitting with yourself in silence.

Bringing curiosity to your experiences and behaviors.

Validating your own feelings.

Offer yourself compassion, care, and kindness.

Imagine interacting with a younger version of yourself, what would you say or do for the is younger you, that maybe you needed then?

9. Remember your values.

When I feel adrift in session with a client, it’s usually because I don’t know what guides them, what matters to them, what they value most. Sometimes they aren’t even aware themselves! Values ground us and transcend us, they give our actions purpose and meaning. They make this existence matter. When we live into our values, we feel aligned and purposeful. We feel satisfied and fulfilled. When we walk away from our values, we often feel dissonance between the person we want to be and the person we are behaving like. The easiest way to close that gap is to 1) be aware of what your values are 2) Find small actionable steps that lead in the direction of your value. We can never “accomplish” a value. Living into a value is never done, it is something we continually must choose to step towards. No one lives into their values 100% of the time. Yet the more mindful we are about our choices lining up with our values, the more direction, purpose, and meaning we derive from life.

What remembering your values can look like:

Complete a “Values Sort Exercise” by reading through a list online and organizing the words that stand out to you most.

Investigate past positive experiences where you felt you had a strong sense of self, direction, satisfaction, fulfillment, purpose, or meaning and mine those experiences for clues as to what you might have been valuing or living into at those times.

Break down small, actionable, realistic steps for living into one of your identified values.

Offer yourself compassion for making mistakes or not living up to your goals/values.

Surround yourself with people who share similar values or inspire you to move towards your goals and values.

Be curious about your values, where they originate, how they feel to you, is there a socio-cultural narrative that impacts these values (positively or negatively)?

Make conscious choices about the things you choose to value and how you show you value them.

10.  Prioritize what’s most important.

In times of transition, and in general, we only have so much energy. While it is a renewable resource, our energy is also limited per day. Our world is so full of distractions and non-stop media grabbing for our time and attention – also precious resources. We seek entertainment and distraction to soothe our overwhelmed and overstimulated nervous systems, thereby re-starting the whole cycle. Prioritizing what’s important is a skill that helps us cut through the static, narrow our focus, and direct our energy where it matters most. It takes conscious effort and mindful awareness to choose where our energy, time, and attention is invested. But that’s exactly what is happening, no matter what we are doing we are investing it somewhere. We invest it in entertainment and media, we invest it in work for money to live off of, we invest it in our relationships to maintain and enjoy them, we invest it in ourselves to learn and grow. Or you could say: Wherever you spend your time and energy, there your heart and treasure lie also. So be wise with where you allocate your most precious of resources. Ensure that you are investing in the things that truly matter to you, that truly are important.

What prioritizing what’s most important can look like:

Taking stock of your daily routine/agenda

Clarifying your needs and goals for a day/week.

Identifying what is important in your life and ways you show that to yourself and others

Being honest about areas in your life that are important yet have been neglected in terms of “investment” of your time, energy, and attention

Look for small, actionable steps for re-investing in neglected areas

Make a schedule/create a routine/set a reminder in order to continually and intentionally prioritize what’s important

Remember that these are only suggestions of things to possibly try, things that might help. Please trust yourself to navigate your needs in this time of transition. And when you feel like it’s too hard or you can’t do it much more on your own, please know that we at Riverbank Therapy would love to partner with you in your journey and come alongside to support you.

How to Practice Self-Compassion

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is very similar to compassion for others, but directed towards yourself. It is noticing that you are suffering, and meeting yourself with kindness and warmth in the midst of that pain. It is caring for yourself in moments where you’re hurting. My favorite way to think about self-compassion is to treat yourself in that moment like you would a close friend.

Kristin Neff (self-compassion.org) breaks down self-compassion into three components:

Self-kindness (instead of self-judgement). This means that you meet yourself with warmth and kindness, rather than criticism and judgement.

Common humanity (instead of isolation). This means recognizing that pain is part of the human experience and that you are not alone in suffering (knowing that your specific pain is unique to you).

Mindfulness (instead of overidentification). This means feeling and observing our emotions without getting overly sucked in by them, or overly identifying with them. Nervous system regulation skills really help here.

“With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation.” -Kristin Neff

How do I practice self-compassion?

There are a few ways. They all start with noticing when and how you are judging, criticizing or being mean to yourself. Just bringing awareness to this pattern will likely start to create a desire to be kinder to yourself (kind of like the light in the fridge; it changes just by virtue of being observed).

Once you’ve noticed self-criticism, my personal favorite way to practice self-compassion is to ask myself what I would say to a friend. I wouldn’t say “you piece of shit, get over it.” Instead, I might say, “this really hurts right now, what do you need?” and then try to meet that need. Giving this to yourself is, to me, the essence of self-compassion.

Other ways you can practice:

-name what you’re feeling, ask what you need, and meet that need;

-make a mantra like “pain is human, I am allowed to feel this”

-place your hand on your heart and take a few breaths;

-head to self-compassion.org to download Neff’s “self-compassion break” meditation and other guided practices;

-practice lovingkindness meditation.

Why is self-compassion so difficult?

Most of us are critical of ourselves. We have a front row seat to all of our flaws and weaknesses. It’s far easier to be critical of yourself than others, partially because you know your soft spots better than others. It’s also easier because being mean to yourself often happens internally, so others don’t see it and call you out on it. When you’re mean to others, it gets noticed. With self-criticism, you can fly under the radar.

Self-compassion is possible to cultivate, even if you hate yourself. It takes practice. You don’t have to believe it at first; keep practicing. Right now, you’ve got a superhighway of self-criticism, and an overgrown neglected path of self-compassion. It takes time and consistency to cut a new path, and turn the self-compassion path into the highway default.

I feel guilty when I’m kind to myself. How do I deal with that?

This is a common reaction to self-compassion. Remind yourself that you deserve kindness and compassion. Always.

Questions to reflect on:

Where did you learn that you don’t deserve kindness?

Where did you learn that criticism is the best path to motivation and success?

Do you believe that criticism is working for you?

Self-compassion feels like an excuse. How can I do this and still be accountable?

Accountability is part of self-compassion. Accountability and shame are different. Calling yourself bad or shaming yourself for doing something wrong is very different than actually holding yourself accountable. Shame does not promote behavior change. Compassionate accountability does. Self-compassion can be softness and gentleness, and it can also be calling yourself on your shit.

I like to think about self-compassion as talking to yourself the way you'd talk to a friend. And sometimes, a good friend will kindly (or with tough love) tell you when you're wrong and need to do better.

Accountability with self-compassion means holding yourself to your values and how you want to show up in the world, while not calling yourself bad or awful for making a mistake. Accountability and self-compassion are similar to self-care.

Self-care is not always a spa day. Sometimes self-care is hard stuff, like setting that boundary, buckling down and doing the task you've been putting off, etc.

Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook. It's being kind to yourself, and, at times, that kindness means telling yourself that you did something outside of your value system and committing to doing better.

Self-compassion is a key skill for mental and emotional well-being. I highly recommend diving into this work, with a therapist if you’re able!

If you’d like to schedule with one of our therapists, click here to book your free consultation now!