Shame does not lead to productive conflict. Period!

It typically leads to either: withdrawal, people pleasing, or defensiveness/aggression (see my recent post on shame shields for more on this). None of those responses typically lead to productive conversation.

Here a few steps to try when you're feeling shame-based withdrawal or aggression in a conflict:

1) Take a few deep, slow breaths to calm your nervous system. Take a few minutes away from the other person to collect yourself. It's hard to be clear-headed when we're diving into shame, so take a lil break.

2) Practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself like you would a friend; be cool to yourself. Talk to yourself about why your response makes sense even if it's not productive. Remind yourself that we all get this way in conflict sometimes.

3) Get curious. Ask yourself, how could the other person's position make sense? If you were an impartial observer, what is the person actually saying or asking of you?

4) Practice empathy for both yourself and the other person. What needs are you trying to have met? What needs are they trying to meet? What are you both thinking and feeling? What do you both want for the relationship at the end of this conversation?

5) Consider, what move or request is fair, sticks to your boundaries, and comes with empathy for both the other person and yourself?

This is a practice, and takes time and repetition!

**of course, this does not apply to situations of abuse.