5 Tools to Deal with Avoidance

By: Abby Lombardo, LMFT

An issue cropping up a lot in my work with folks in this season of the pandemic is avoidance.

Not wanting to do something, procrastinating on this thing, stressing over that thing, completely forgetting the other thing, until we are back at the beginning or something bad happens…like…a consequence for not getting this something done on time or …at all.

I’m not only talking about avoidance that shows up in our work or because of our daunting, never-ending to-do lists, but also the avoidance that results from wanting to push away emotional discomfort. Sometimes the two are deeply linked, more than we often think. This post will give you some tools for when it’s time to look yourself in the mirror and face what you’ve been avoiding, whatever that may be.

Here are some ideas inspired by my work with clients on the topic of avoidance:

1)      Explore what contributes to your desire to avoid.

It might be ironic, that in order to help your avoidance, you must stop avoiding the reason you are avoiding in the first place. Avoidance is often a coping skill, a strategy we use in the face of overwhelm, threat, insecurity, perfectionism, pressure, fear, etc.

It might be helpful to break down your experience to the simplest feeling word you can find. For example, I am afraid of what my boss will think of me if I send this email with an error. Therefore, I am avoiding sending this email until it feels perfect. Once you whittle it down to a basic emotion, it’s a bit easier to deal with than the layers and layers your thoughts and feelings about your feelings have added or even distracted from your original experience.

Discomfort is a common reason I’ve found amongst by own clients for why they avoid certain situations or tasks or conversations. The icky feeling they get deep down that something is not okay can often be a trigger for our nervous system’s stress response: fight, flight, flee, even fawn (neutralizing a threat by befriending it). When we avoid, we are often fleeing to get away from a stressor or threat. Our ancient evolutionary biological systems cannot often distinguish a true threat to our survival from a stressful experience.

For the average person in 2022, our day-to-day modern-day stressors do not usually include life or death situations. They mostly include chronic stressors that have to do with our jobs, our relationships, or our sense of self. If we can pinpoint how our avoidance is trying to serve us, as in, get us as far away from our stressor as possible, then we can learn to relabel these threats and recalibrate our response system. We can learn to soothe our nervous systems with mindful movement or self-care, teaching our brains that this task will not hurt me, this person’s opinion of me may sting yet it does not change who I am, this conversation is challenging, yet it is survivable.

Try asking yourself:

What am I truly avoiding?

Why am I avoiding that thing?

How is avoidance trying to serve me? Am I fleeing because my nervous system is activated and stressed?

Am I avoiding something because it makes me feel uncomfortable? Or another emotion?

What can I do with that emotion instead of avoiding it?

How can I soothe, self-care, or move my body to remind it I am safe and okay even if I am uncomfortable or stressed?

2)      Create a simulation in your mind.

This idea comes from the practice of exposure therapy for anxieties and phobias, as well as trauma. The idea is that you practice simulating in your mind the very thing you have a strong avoidance towards. If you are avoiding household chores that have gone neglected too long, you might imagine yourself taking the first step to get up and collect all the dishes to place them in the kitchen or collecting all the laundry needing to be done. The idea is that step-by-step your brain is getting used to the very thing it has been blocking out via avoidance.

The simulations work two-fold, 1) your brain literally practices the task even in your imagination, which makes it a bit easier to do the task in real life and helps you anticipate some difficulties you might have along the way 2) you are breaking down tasks into accessible steps, which makes the whole thing a little less daunting by the time you actually decide to approach the task in real life.

3)      Break down tasks

When we are overwhelmed, it is usually because we are feeling many things about one or several other things at the same time. My clients who live with ADD/ADHD have to make common use of the skill of breaking down tasks in order to make tasks more accessible to their brains. A helpful question my clients and I have landed on: What is the most accessible thing I can do right now that could help? Then do that. Doesn’t matter how small or ridiculous. For some, it’s standing up, collecting necessary materials, opening the computer, starting the document/email, writing down next steps…

4)      Color code tasks

Along with this idea of breaking down tasks, it can be helpful to have a system to code tasks or steps of tasks into green, yellow, red. Green, accessible now. Yellow, it’s doable but maybe a bit challenging for one reason or another. Red, feels very challenging at the moment. The idea is to start with the green tasks to build momentum and confidence. Then, if you still don’t feel up to the yellow or red tasks at a later time, you can learn to further break those down into green-coded tasks until those tasks feel more accessible.

5)      Organize/prioritize tasks

Great! You’ve learned why you’re avoiding something; you’ve imagined in your mind how to do the thing; you have the accessible steps all listed out. But wait, you have about 10 other tasks you need to repeat this process for, where do you even start in tackling them all? In comes the skill for organizing and prioritizing tasks. For my folks with ADD/ADHD, this is an important skill to learn to externally structure what their pre-frontal cortex (the area of executive functioning) does not. It is important to find a system that works and is intuitive for you, if you don’t like the process or the system you’re using, you won’t use it. Ultimately, find a system that helps you lay out everything you’re expecting of yourself to be done so you can catch early if it is an unrealistic expectation and also so you can prioritize which tasks to do first or in order. Think big picture first, then move into the details of each task once you’ve identified it as a task worth working on at this moment in time. Too often, we get sucked into the minutiae of the tasks that we forget to gain perspective on is this really what I need to be working on right now?

For my visual and tactile clients, I often suggest the use of a dry-erase board or sticky notes. Writing out your items for the day and then placing the one you are currently working on in the center of your workspace/visual field as a practical way to manage focus and keep up with real time prioritization. The other sticky notes can be swapped out at any time to be your “main focus sticky note,” so it is flexible often like our attention and daily demands. Steps can be written on the front of the sticky note or on the back to help with traction towards a bigger item or goal.

Don’t forget a done pile! I encourage clients to have a moment of celebrating the doneness of a task, before skipping right to the next thing. This is an opportunity to “complete the stress cycle” by saying to yourself: you know that thing I was wildly stressed about before? I did what it took to complete this task. Yay me! I did it! It is an opportunity to build confidence and competence for future challenges, as well.

I hope this practical guide for how to work with your own avoidance feels accessible and applicable to what you find yourself avoiding, if not, stay tuned for Part 2 of this post. Remember that you’re in good company, which is why I felt inclined to write this post in the first place!

Take a moment to also remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got at this moment in time. If you feel that you might need more personalized help with your avoidance or notice your avoidance significantly impacting your functioning in different areas of your life: work, school, home, relationships, etc., then reach out to us and we will match you with a therapist available to help you address your avoidance more specifically.

5 More Tips for Times of Transition

By: Abby Lombardo, LMFT

If you missed part one of this post, head here to read it now! 

6. It’s OK to not be OK.

       The phrase “It’s OK to not be OK” is meant to normalize your experience, whatever the not okayness may be or may stem from. It is sad to me that we need these reminders, because the society we live in, in most of America, subscribes to this toxic positivity, good vibes only, put your best foot forward at all times, filtered social media persona… The messiness of our humanity is often experienced behind closed doors. And when that is the case, we often isolate ourselves further because of the lack of representation or the belief that no one else has moments like these, struggles like these. What I mean when I say it’s okay, is that it is NORMAL. It is part of the range of human experiences. Shit happens. Life happens. It is not a personal failing. You are not failing at life. When things become significantly distressing and cause bigger issues in our life, that’s a sign to address and work on some things, maybe with a therapist. Still, most of my sessions, despite the issue or diagnosis of the client, is about reminding people that what they are experiencing is valid, it makes sense, and it is a normal experience within the realm of human experiences. We often have to start there before we can get anywhere else.

What it’s OK to not be OK looks like:

Being sad.

Grieving.

Crying.

Hugging yourself.

Telling a friend how you’re truly doing.

Being vulnerable with your partner about your needs in the relationship.

Being messy.

Having a bad day.

Not feeling generous towards people.

Not wanting to say yes to things, people, events, invites…

Not wanting to smile.

Not forcing yourself to smile.

Taking a mental health/sick/self care day off from work.

Not liking yourself or how you look.

Feeling anxious

Feeling depressed.

7. Know when to take control and when to let go.

This is a common struggle I can highlight in my own life and the life of most of my clients: the struggle to know when to take control and when to just let a thing go. They are two very important skills. One, feeling empowered in your sense of agency and sense of self control in the world. Two, feeling the peace of knowing you’ve done all you can and it is now time to switch course, pivot, regroup, and proceed differently. The third skill is knowing how to discern when the situation calls for one or the other. So, how do you know when it’s time to take control and empower yourself to push through or to relinquish control and graciously surrender?

What taking control and letting go can look like:

Asking yourself:

What is my goal here?

Am I afraid of something happening if I let go of control?

       What do I have the ability to impact in this situation?

       What would accepting the situation do for me?

Realizing the limits of your own control.

Surrendering to the unknown mystery of life that cannot be controlled.

Practicing meditation.

Move your body, which can help regulate your nervous system and the intensity of the situation.

8. Connect with yourself.

The world is raging around you. Sometimes, you have nowhere else to go but inward. I encourage you to make a home within yourself. A retreat. A place where you can rest, gain insight, sit with what is, explore a new place through visualization, imagination, reading, curiosity. Cultivate connection with yourself in a way that becomes your best resource when everything around you feels too much or too out of control. In order to do this, we often have to shine a light on all the shadowy corners of our selves we’d really rather not have to face. These are the most important places we can go in order to befriend ourselves. When we can engage the parts of ourselves we deem unworthy, shameful, or unacceptable with curiosity, compassion, and gentleness then we can learn to inhabit ourselves more fully. Embodied people learn to be grateful for their shadows, because they have much to teach us about ourselves.

What connecting with our selves can look like:

Journaling.

Being vulnerable.

Identifying areas where you carry shame.

Identifying parts of yourself you often reject or find intolerable in others.

Sitting with yourself in silence.

Bringing curiosity to your experiences and behaviors.

Validating your own feelings.

Offer yourself compassion, care, and kindness.

Imagine interacting with a younger version of yourself, what would you say or do for the is younger you, that maybe you needed then?

9. Remember your values.

When I feel adrift in session with a client, it’s usually because I don’t know what guides them, what matters to them, what they value most. Sometimes they aren’t even aware themselves! Values ground us and transcend us, they give our actions purpose and meaning. They make this existence matter. When we live into our values, we feel aligned and purposeful. We feel satisfied and fulfilled. When we walk away from our values, we often feel dissonance between the person we want to be and the person we are behaving like. The easiest way to close that gap is to 1) be aware of what your values are 2) Find small actionable steps that lead in the direction of your value. We can never “accomplish” a value. Living into a value is never done, it is something we continually must choose to step towards. No one lives into their values 100% of the time. Yet the more mindful we are about our choices lining up with our values, the more direction, purpose, and meaning we derive from life.

What remembering your values can look like:

Complete a “Values Sort Exercise” by reading through a list online and organizing the words that stand out to you most.

Investigate past positive experiences where you felt you had a strong sense of self, direction, satisfaction, fulfillment, purpose, or meaning and mine those experiences for clues as to what you might have been valuing or living into at those times.

Break down small, actionable, realistic steps for living into one of your identified values.

Offer yourself compassion for making mistakes or not living up to your goals/values.

Surround yourself with people who share similar values or inspire you to move towards your goals and values.

Be curious about your values, where they originate, how they feel to you, is there a socio-cultural narrative that impacts these values (positively or negatively)?

Make conscious choices about the things you choose to value and how you show you value them.

10.  Prioritize what’s most important.

In times of transition, and in general, we only have so much energy. While it is a renewable resource, our energy is also limited per day. Our world is so full of distractions and non-stop media grabbing for our time and attention – also precious resources. We seek entertainment and distraction to soothe our overwhelmed and overstimulated nervous systems, thereby re-starting the whole cycle. Prioritizing what’s important is a skill that helps us cut through the static, narrow our focus, and direct our energy where it matters most. It takes conscious effort and mindful awareness to choose where our energy, time, and attention is invested. But that’s exactly what is happening, no matter what we are doing we are investing it somewhere. We invest it in entertainment and media, we invest it in work for money to live off of, we invest it in our relationships to maintain and enjoy them, we invest it in ourselves to learn and grow. Or you could say: Wherever you spend your time and energy, there your heart and treasure lie also. So be wise with where you allocate your most precious of resources. Ensure that you are investing in the things that truly matter to you, that truly are important.

What prioritizing what’s most important can look like:

Taking stock of your daily routine/agenda

Clarifying your needs and goals for a day/week.

Identifying what is important in your life and ways you show that to yourself and others

Being honest about areas in your life that are important yet have been neglected in terms of “investment” of your time, energy, and attention

Look for small, actionable steps for re-investing in neglected areas

Make a schedule/create a routine/set a reminder in order to continually and intentionally prioritize what’s important

Remember that these are only suggestions of things to possibly try, things that might help. Please trust yourself to navigate your needs in this time of transition. And when you feel like it’s too hard or you can’t do it much more on your own, please know that we at Riverbank Therapy would love to partner with you in your journey and come alongside to support you.

How to Practice Self-Compassion

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is very similar to compassion for others, but directed towards yourself. It is noticing that you are suffering, and meeting yourself with kindness and warmth in the midst of that pain. It is caring for yourself in moments where you’re hurting. My favorite way to think about self-compassion is to treat yourself in that moment like you would a close friend.

Kristin Neff (self-compassion.org) breaks down self-compassion into three components:

Self-kindness (instead of self-judgement). This means that you meet yourself with warmth and kindness, rather than criticism and judgement.

Common humanity (instead of isolation). This means recognizing that pain is part of the human experience and that you are not alone in suffering (knowing that your specific pain is unique to you).

Mindfulness (instead of overidentification). This means feeling and observing our emotions without getting overly sucked in by them, or overly identifying with them. Nervous system regulation skills really help here.

“With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation.” -Kristin Neff

How do I practice self-compassion?

There are a few ways. They all start with noticing when and how you are judging, criticizing or being mean to yourself. Just bringing awareness to this pattern will likely start to create a desire to be kinder to yourself (kind of like the light in the fridge; it changes just by virtue of being observed).

Once you’ve noticed self-criticism, my personal favorite way to practice self-compassion is to ask myself what I would say to a friend. I wouldn’t say “you piece of shit, get over it.” Instead, I might say, “this really hurts right now, what do you need?” and then try to meet that need. Giving this to yourself is, to me, the essence of self-compassion.

Other ways you can practice:

-name what you’re feeling, ask what you need, and meet that need;

-make a mantra like “pain is human, I am allowed to feel this”

-place your hand on your heart and take a few breaths;

-head to self-compassion.org to download Neff’s “self-compassion break” meditation and other guided practices;

-practice lovingkindness meditation.

Why is self-compassion so difficult?

Most of us are critical of ourselves. We have a front row seat to all of our flaws and weaknesses. It’s far easier to be critical of yourself than others, partially because you know your soft spots better than others. It’s also easier because being mean to yourself often happens internally, so others don’t see it and call you out on it. When you’re mean to others, it gets noticed. With self-criticism, you can fly under the radar.

Self-compassion is possible to cultivate, even if you hate yourself. It takes practice. You don’t have to believe it at first; keep practicing. Right now, you’ve got a superhighway of self-criticism, and an overgrown neglected path of self-compassion. It takes time and consistency to cut a new path, and turn the self-compassion path into the highway default.

I feel guilty when I’m kind to myself. How do I deal with that?

This is a common reaction to self-compassion. Remind yourself that you deserve kindness and compassion. Always.

Questions to reflect on:

Where did you learn that you don’t deserve kindness?

Where did you learn that criticism is the best path to motivation and success?

Do you believe that criticism is working for you?

Self-compassion feels like an excuse. How can I do this and still be accountable?

Accountability is part of self-compassion. Accountability and shame are different. Calling yourself bad or shaming yourself for doing something wrong is very different than actually holding yourself accountable. Shame does not promote behavior change. Compassionate accountability does. Self-compassion can be softness and gentleness, and it can also be calling yourself on your shit.

I like to think about self-compassion as talking to yourself the way you'd talk to a friend. And sometimes, a good friend will kindly (or with tough love) tell you when you're wrong and need to do better.

Accountability with self-compassion means holding yourself to your values and how you want to show up in the world, while not calling yourself bad or awful for making a mistake. Accountability and self-compassion are similar to self-care.

Self-care is not always a spa day. Sometimes self-care is hard stuff, like setting that boundary, buckling down and doing the task you've been putting off, etc.

Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook. It's being kind to yourself, and, at times, that kindness means telling yourself that you did something outside of your value system and committing to doing better.

Self-compassion is a key skill for mental and emotional well-being. I highly recommend diving into this work, with a therapist if you’re able!

If you’d like to schedule with one of our therapists, click here to book your free consultation now!

10 Things to Stop and Start Doing to Become the Main Character In Your Life

By: Abby Lombardo, LMFT

What is Main Character Energy?

It’s the Gen Z term for being the protagonist of your own life, the hero of your own story.

So many of my clients are learning how to channel their Main Character Energy right now, which inspired me to share what I’ve been working on with them:

10 Things to STOP & START doing to become the main character in your own life

Stop comparing.

To be the main character in your own life is going to require you to start seeing yourself this way. You aren’t the sidekick, the background character, the cameo appearance. This. Is. Your. Life. Start showing up to it without always trying to find someone who is wealthier, more attractive, more talented (all the things white supremacy, diet culture, patriarchy and capitalism tell us to value). There will always be someone who has more (and less) than you. They get to be the main characters of their stories, and guess what, you still get to be the main character of yours with all of your strengths and your flaws, too. Stop putting other people on a pedestal above you. We are all human, all equals. We all deal with shit, just different kinds of it.

Start listening to your own wants, needs, boundaries.

An excellent way to stop comparing is to start being curious about yourself instead: your preferences, likes, dislikes, things that make you smile, things that make you feel cozy and comforted, things that excite you, things that challenge you.

Focus on getting to know what needs you have that are unmet: Do you need more connection? More hobbies & interests? Comfort? A bed-time routine? More manageable goals?

When you spend the time to relate to yourself listening for what makes you happy, it’s much easier to cheer on others going after their joy, too. And here is where boundaries come in—for protecting your joy. When things and people threaten your safety, your emotional energy, your time, anything of yours really—it’s time to consider placing a boundary – saying: here’s where you stop & start and here’s where I stop & start. I’m only responsible for me.

The simplest form of a boundary: saying no. Try it with me. Out loud. I’m serious. No. No. No no no no. Nooo. NOOOOOO. NO. Where do you need to say no in your life? Where do you really want to say it, but aren’t? Why not? What’s stopping you? And is that a good enough reason?

Main characters are interesting because they have something unique to them that they own. They explore who they are through the arcs of their plotlines. They have wants, needs, dreams, goals, motivations. They aren’t everyone’s doormat. They aren’t formless blobs of people, they have spunk or wit or quirks. Get to know yourself as a main character does.

Stop people pleasing.

I once heard that people pleasing is a form of control (Dr. Nicole LePera). We want to control other people’s perceptions of us. We want to be what they expect, want, and need us to be so we can be liked and accepted. This is not Main Character Energy.

Start doing your inner work.

We need to take a step back and examine this need for control, this need to be liked, this need to be needed.

Where does it come from?

When did I learn this?

How did/does this serve me?

What am I truly afraid of happening if I am not in control, liked, or needed?         

These are usually the youngest parts of ourselves that we try to protect most because we feel the most vulnerable there, in our soft spots: the spot deep in my core that holds on to the fear that I’m unlovable, bad, unworthy, undesirable, etc. Main characters of all kinds have this vulnerable human quality, too. So what do we do with that part once we acknowledge it? See below on how to offer more kindness, compassion, and acceptance. Truthfully, this is hard work. Being honest enough with our selves, the parts we hide the most shame, the most fear, the most pain is not easy. Remember, you do not have to do this work alone. These are typical conversations that come up in therapy and can be supportive if you find value in working through things like this.

Stop criticizing and judging.

Criticizing and judging others often means you turn that on yourself 100-fold. Some of my clients believe that if they aren’t criticizing themselves or judging themselves then they can’t learn or grow. Some think that if they preempt others and point out their own flaws first, then no one can hurt them or embarrass them or shame them first. Sometimes, we learn from our role models what it’s like to pore over your every blemish and flaw, your every mistake and not let up. Main characters do not criticize themselves into a black hole, they learn what they need to learn, trust themselves to make the change, and move forward with their newfound learning and confidence. Cut back on the amount your cutting yourself (and others) down.

Start offering kindness and compassion.

You’ve probably heard it a few times by now across various platforms: be kind to yourself. Give yourself some compassion. Hear me now, again: Be kind to yourself. Give yourself some compassion. What we know of main characters: they get into some kind of conflict, they have some sort of trial they work through it internally or otherwise to complete their story arc and learn the lesson, mend the relationship, meet the goal, accomplish the mission, etc. See the bigger story at play here. You’re in a moment of trial, conflict, pain – you do not need to add more. You do not need to motivate yourself with shame and judgment and criticism. So what does kindness and compassion actually look like? Say some of these out loud and see if any of them feel good to you:

Wow, I’m dealing with a lot.

This is really hard.

This sucks.

It makes sense that I feel this way (because…)

I need comfort right now (finds way to give self comfort).

I’m going to take a break from this right now.

I’m struggling. It’s okay to ask for help.

I have it in me to do this.

Pro tip: Speak to yourself using a pet name (honey, hun, darling, love, sugar…). My personal favorite is “babe”. It is unusually challenging to be mean to yourself when using a term of endearment while talking to yourself or your body.

Stop trying to be perfect.

Listen to me, it’s a trap. It really is. As a recovering perfectionist, I feel especially strongly about addressing the white supremacist and societal expectation of perfection that permeates everything we hear from buy this, wear this, do this in order to be perfect, liked, desirable, successful, loved, accepted, etc…. The truth is that we do not need to be perfect to be all these things (and more). The truth is that we can’t be perfect. It’s not in our DNA. All we can be is human; all we can be is ourselves. The sooner we learn this, the freer we are to actually come to understand and pursue the things that are of value to us and connect us to each other. Besides, a perfect main character is so boring because they have nothing that makes them interesting or human.

Start being vulnerable.

Humans find connection through vulnerability. It’s really, really hard to be vulnerable when you’re trying to be perfect. In fact, vulnerability makes for a great antidote to perfectionism. This needs saying: you do not need to be vulnerable all the time, nor should you be vulnerable with everyone. Once you discern that it is the appropriate time and place to take some light risk, then please do share more of yourself, talk about something that’s difficult for you, ask for help, or the like. And then pay attention to the response you get from that person…how do they respond? Do you feel more connected to this person? Do they feel more connected to you? Did they respond by sharing something, too? With support? Or judgment? Then decide from there whether the risk of more vulnerability is called for or not in that moment. Vulnerability is hard, it’s messy. It can also be deeply rewarding and freeing. When we let people see us as the whole person we are, we learn to accept those hard parts of ourselves, too. The best main characters know how to find meaningful connection by being vulnerable and when to hold good boundaries and not be vulnerable.

Stop trying to be “normal”.

Normal is a social construct. It’s established by those in power of what this “good standard of human” or “the good life” looks like. In reality, the diversity and differences within our species is too vast to come up with such a model of average/normal. I encourage you to truly examine your assumptions and definitions around a “normal” person or life or experience. Maybe you wish you weren’t neuro-diverse, that you didn’t have to struggle with mental health issues, that your relationships weren’t broken, that you weren’t living paycheck to paycheck… These are not small things to wrestle with. This is what it means to be human. To be alive, to be messy, to experience suffering --to live in a system that does not serve, value, or treat everyone equally. The issue is not you; it’s the idea that there is a “normal” that you do not live up to. With any perceived “deviation” from the “norm” (or what we’re sold as the norm) comes grief, the sadness and anger over the loss of expectation that it should be different. I should be different. When we get stuck here, there’s not much we can do but rail against ourselves and a system not made for us. A true main character journeys through this grief, anger, denial to hopefully find meaning and acceptance.

Start accepting who you are.

Take stock of yourself. Honestly. Truly. What are your growth areas, your strengths, your interests, talents, hopes, dreams, flaws, issues, the things that make you you or make you human. Then, own your shit. Own it all. All the socially acceptable, good parts along with the bad and the ugly.

You’re not perfect.

You may not be “normal.”

But finally, finally, you can arrive at just being. If you try to fight reality, you will always lose.

You’re human.

You’re you.

Find your way to this acceptance as often as you can, for it is not a destination, something we arrive at once and done; it’s a journey, mixed in with all the aforementioned grief, loss, denial, anger, anxiety, and pain. Own that this is your journey and do with it what you can with what you’ve got. And remember, you’re unique, but you’re not alone. This is what it means to be alive. To be the main character of your own story, a story you own.

If you want to learn more about how to apply these concepts specifically in your life, reach out to schedule with one of our therapists!

3 Benefits of Acceptance

Acceptance is hard work. Especially during trying times like these.

But, the truth is, we suffer when we don't accept reality as it is. And to be clear, acceptance doesn't mean approving of reality--it just means seeing reality clearly. When you're suffering, you are saying it must be otherwise immediately, or ruminating on how awful it is, or beating yourself up for feeling a certain way about it. I'd put money on this making you feel worse. More angry, more anxious, more shame, more defeated.

It's because you are fighting reality. It's because you're trying to tell yourself that you shouldn't feel this way and to feel other than you feel. This is invalidation at it's most painful. It takes the pain you are already feeling--depression, anxiety, fear, dissatisfaction with your life--and multiplies it by 100. Because now you're feeling the pain of the initial emotion or event, and ALSO the pain of telling yourself how bad it is, how you should feel differently, and how wrong you are for feeling it.

Suffering, right now, might look like “I hate this. I’m sick of being stuck at home. I should feel grateful because others are suffering more than I am. I should be super productive right now. I shouldn’t feel so anxious and afraid. This is never going to end.”

Acceptance, on the other hand, is acknowledging what IS. Years ago, when I was first grappling with acceptance, I wrote the definition in my journal. "To believe or come to recognize as valid or correct." Now, correct does not mean "right" or "good". To me, it just means "true". Acceptance is just seeing the truth of reality.

Acceptance might sound like “this is a collective trauma and it hurts.”

Acceptance helps you:

1) Validate your emotional experience. As it relates to the virus, it makes hella sense why you're afraid, angry, depressed and worried. These are appropriate emotional responses to a global pandemic. You're allowed to feel how you feel. Let's not judge ourselves for having feelings. Acceptance does not mean you are *approving* of the feeling, it just means you're naming it for what it is without all the other junk attached.

2) Give yourself compassion. This is hard. You are not in this alone. What is happening is not okay, but it’s okay that it's hard. Like Brene Brown shared on her podcast recently, this is all of our fucking first time (FFT) in a pandemic. We’re doing our best. It's okay that you're not finishing every project that's been laying around your house. It's okay that you're not creating that masterpiece you've been considering. It's okay if you're eating emotionally, or irritable with your family. Again, all of this makes sense. None of us have been through this before, and it's okay to do what you need to manage and feel safe *enough* right now.

3) Take effective action. When we demand that reality be different than it is or refuse to accept it, we struggle to respond to reality as it is. Take our government, for example. Insisting that the virus "isn't that bad" slowed down the response and kept us from containing it as well as we could have. This is a story that got told: "it shouldn't be that bad, because that would be an awful thing for the economy, etc etc...", which drove an ineffective response. In comparison, if we could have recognized the reality as it is sooner, we would have had a more effective response. When we get the story and the judgement out of the way, we can be far more effective in our responses.

Again, acceptance is not condoning what you're feeling or resigning to the way things are. It is removing judgement so that you can chart a compassionate path forward. 

HOW? I hear you asking.

1) Notice when you're fighting reality. Begin to call attention to the signs that you’re not accepting reality. You'll probably notice physical tension, painful emotions arising, negative self-talk, and lots of stories about what should be happening.

2) Name what you're feeling, and the reality you are fighting. Name this objectively, as though you’re a completely impartial observer. This can help you recognize what is reality, and what is the story you’ve attached to it.

3) Turn your mind towards acceptance (this comes straight from DBT, my friends). Choose acceptance over and over and over again. I found mantras really helpful here. Write down daily the things you are trying to accept.

4) More self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others. My mantra here is “it makes sense that…”. It makes sense that I’m feeling afraid in the midst of a pandemic. It makes sense that I’m feeling more on edge. It makes sense that I’m feeling angry about the suffering in the world.

I’m working on this with you right now, fam, because I find myself doing a lot of what-if-ing and ruminating on how I should feel better about things by now. I’m practicing validation, meditation, connection and creating new routines to help me accept the reality of the moment.

How are you, can you, or will you practice acceptance today?