What is somatic therapy?

by Bobbi Smith, LICSWA

More and more, somatic therapy is being integrated into therapeutic techniques.  But what is somatic therapy?  And where does it come from?  In this blog entry I will attempt to give an overview of what somatic therapy means, and how to approach a therapist about integrating somatics if you are interested.  

 

As always, we start with context:  all the way back in the 1600’s (yes really) there was a French philosopher named Rene Descartes who was quite taken with examining the relationship between the human mind and body.  Since his work as a philosopher was pondering things, he began to think about the process of thinking itself, which he believed took place in the mind.  He theorized that the mind and body were separate organisms, and that the mind had dominion over the body.  This theory was known as Cartesian dualism, or sometimes mind-body dualism.  

Though there were always people that opposed Cartesian dualism, when what we now know as Western medicine began to form and institutionalize, it carried the legacy of Cartesian dualism with it.  Treatment of bodily ailments and treatment of mind ailments developed as distinct disciplines.  We don’t know if this is what Descartes intended, and can’t say for sure how he would react if he were alive to comment on it, but it unfolded this way anyway.

For generations, psychology has had the task of treating what western medicine firmly categorized as ailments that are located within the container of the mind, and therefore should be treated in that location, using the vehicle of thoughts to transfer a cure from the psychologist to the patient.  The most famous of these is “the talking cure” developed by Sigmund Freud.  In this approach, the psychologist would aggressively analyze the patients every word, which is 1. Deeply unethical and 2. Super annoying.

I’m getting to the somatic stuff, I promise.  

Let’s jump forward.  For decades now, some doctors, therapists and clients have questioned the utility of Cartesian dualism to truly address the complexity of mental and physical health conditions, and have been developing treatments that integrate both mind and body.  Soma means body.  Somatic therapy means incorporating some dimension of work with the body into treatment for ailments that used to be considered to be solely of the mind:  depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, and more.  

There are many traditions of what is called collectively somatic therapy- Sensorimotor Therapy, Somatic Attachment Therapy, Somatic Internal Family Systems, and more. There is no singular type that is agreed upon as the best approach.  Therapists that integrate somatic therapy into their practices are trained in and draw inspiration from traditions designed by many different healers, and that is a good thing.  Just like every other type of therapy, there is no one size fits all.  In addition, there are many, many traditional healing methods practiced across the world that include some type of body work, to which western somatic therapy traditions owe great honor.

 

The tradition I myself am mainly trained in is called Somatic Experiencing- I am not certified but simply studying it.  Somatic Experiencing was developed to treat PTSD, or what is now mostly called simply trauma.  The thesis behind Somatic Experiencing is that trauma can cause wear and tear on the autonomic nervous system, and so, trauma treatment should include the autonomic nervous system.  The autonomic nervous system is a component of the peripheral nervous system that regulates involuntary physiologic processes including heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, digestion, and sexual arousal. It contains three anatomically distinct divisions: sympathetic, parasympathetic, and enteric.  The autonomic nervous system lets us be relaxed, spontaneous, and socially engaged in a safe environment, or prepares us to fight, flee, or freeze in response to a threatening one.

 

Our human brains have evolved with add-ons to other species' brains, but we didn’t lose anything from them.  Basically, we have new apps but not a very different operating system.  As such, we have instincts to respond to harm or perceived harm in ways similar to other species.  Somatic Experiencing considers humans, aka homo sapiens, part of an evolutionary lineage that shares bodily features (such as an autonomic nervous system) and bodily instincts (such as fight, flight, or freeze) in common with other animal species that are evolutionarily older than us, and honors the innate intelligence of those similarities. In a threatening situation, animals either run to get away, fight off the threat, or if those don’t work, play dead (freeze) to appear unappetizing to a predator until it wanders away.

 

As animals, if an instinctual survival response sets off an alarm in our autonomic nervous system telling us to fight, flee, or freeze, it is important that that protective response is allowed to fully play out in service of its goal:  to get to safety.  If that response is prevented or constricted, the unresolved instinct can remain trapped in the nervous system as a chronic trauma response, or PTSD.  That can mean someone can feel trapped by the instinct to constantly fight, flee, or freeze, even if they aren’t in an unsafe situation anymore.  That is because even though our mind can cognitively register when a threatening situation is no longer happening, at the level of the organism (or body) there is no real proof of that, because all the nervous system knows is that it couldn’t do what it needed to in order to protect itself.  The nervous system doesn’t know time.

 

If that response were allowed to play out to its natural conclusion, our nervous system settles back into its baseline state, which is a proper flow in real time and proportional to what’s currently happening around us- not stuck in a chronic response.  We'll start in therapy by creating a safe container, building skills to cope with overwhelming emotions, thoughts, or body sensations. Then, when you're feeling ready, we may slowly approach your traumatic narrative, attending to body sensations along the way and supporting the discharge of trapped fight/flight/freeze energy.

 

One thing I love about Somatic Experiencing, and all types of somatic therapy, is that they acknowledge that human beings have evolved capacity for abstract thought, but otherwise are not fundamentally different from other animals per se.  Somatic therapy acknowledges the intelligence and healing instincts of other parts of our bodies besides just our minds.  Our bodies have instinctive reactions to what’s going on around us- and that means involving the body in therapy can have profound positive impacts on our sense of not only ourselves, but the world.  And who wouldn’t benefit from more wholeness and integration?

 

Most of our therapists at Riverbank incorporate somatic traditions into their treatment approaches. If you’d like to schedule a free 20 minute consultation with one of our therapists in-person in Seattle, or online for residents of Washington state, click here to fill out our contact form!

3 Books I'm Reading as a Marriage and Family Therapist

by Abby Birk, LMFT

1. Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

What it's about:

Written by the Relationship & Boundaries Expert herself, Nedra Glover Tawwab puts together a comprehensive primer on how to navigate various kinds of dysfunctional familial relationships. She takes the time to break down what boundaries, neglect, abuse, and resentment are and how they show up in relationships with people who are difficult to keep in our lives.

Who it's for:

This book is for you, the client! This is a great crash course in family therapy ideas as a way to get you started or help you move forward in your healing journey around difficult family dynamics. The language is straight-forward, well-laid out, and not too clinical.

How to use the information:

The illustrations and vignettes throughout the book demonstrate how dysfunctional patterns show up in many families, regardless of other factors. This helps normalize that those who have difficulty staying in relationship with their family members (parents, caregivers, siblings, extended family, etc.) are not alone or broken.

My favorite part of the book is the call to own your agency and let go of what you do not have control over. We all need the reminder that we cannot control other people or their reactions or their capacity for change. What we can control is if we choose to have them in our lives or not and how we go about doing so on our terms. Nedra often will just flat out say that some relationships are not worth the pain and suffering of crossed boundaries, failed expectations, and emotional chaos.

She also shows you how to move forward with those you do choose to keep in your life even if it costs you something. By teaching several important skills like acceptance, boundary setting AND enforcing, direct communication skills and how to use them in specific situations with certain family members, Nedra can build your confidence in how to continue navigating important but less than ideal relationships in your life.

 

2. Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life

by: Vanessa Marin, LMFT & Xander Marin

What it's about:

This book is about demystifying how to talk about sex in your romantic, intimate, and sexual relationships. Vanessa, a sex therapist, and her husband, Xander, break down "the talk" into 5 conversations that build well on each other, covering the basics of how to start talking about sex with a partner, how to offer feedback, how to initiate sex, and how to make specific asks of your partner. There's also a lot of normalizing and educational information about couples, sexuality, orgasm, arousal, and communication that is included throughout.

Who it's for:

You! And your partner or partners! The book is written in a very approachable, informative, and accessible voice so that you can read it solo or with a partner or read separately and then talk about it together with someone.

Therapists, too! As an LMFT myself, I knew a lot of this information, but having it all in one place with some amazing, hands-on, concrete exercises that I can introduce to couples in session or for homework makes this book super useful to therapists!

How to use the information:

In her many, many years working with couples as a sex therapist and their many, many polls of their massive Instagram audience, Vanessa and Xander realized that people were pretty bad about talking about sex within their relationships. They wanted to create a guidebook for how to get the most out of your sexual relationship by learning how to communicate about needs, wants, desires, and feedback so that people could receive the connection and pleasure so many are desperately seeking in their relationships.

I recommend reading this book with your partner(s) or reading it separately and then deciding on a time to discuss, if you or your partner(s) prefer to take time to process internally before discussing ideas externally. The book serves as a great catalyst for important conversations all while it serves to improve the skill, quality, and effectiveness of said conversations!

Therapists can use this as a resource for couples who are struggling with conversations around sex and need some brushing up on their communication or initiation skills. I also recommend using the exercises in session with couples or assigning them for homework to encourage couples to prioritize time to discuss sex, connection, and pleasure in their relationships.

 

3. Mating in Captivity

by:  Esther Perel

What it's about:

Perel, one of the world's leading couples therapists, puts together information about the changing landscape of romantic love and committed relationships. Modern love comes with new challenges and expectations than ever before, like getting most of your needs met by one person for the rest of your life whereas in a significant chunk of history, relationships served as business or economic transactions and romance/love were largely kept out of the marital union (which wasn't even expected to last too long considering the age expectancy was significantly low for much of human history). Taking all these shifts and changes into account, Perel provides anecdotes and case studies from her collective experience with a variety of diverse couples to highlight the needs of modern couples and how to make secure commitment last along with sexual desire and eroticism.

Who it's for:

This is for the modern couple, people in a committed relationship, people dating, people who are wondering if monogamy is for them, people who are monogamous who have not intentionally explored or addressed relationship expectations and how that shapes our satisfaction in our relationships. It's for those who want to learn more about relationships and the science and art of long-term erotic and committed love. It's for those who are asking how do I see my long-term partner with fresh eyes again? How do we get that spark back and why is it gone? How do we feel secure in our relationship and also sexy? Perel answers questions like these and more while teaching how we got here, considerations for relationships in the here and now, and how to tend eroticism in your relationship while enjoying the benefits of secure commitment.

How to use the information:

I use a lot of the information from this book in session with my couples. I draw from this book when I validate their frustrations, fears, and unfulfilled expectations. You can use this book to dispel common myths and set appropriate and healthy expectations of each other that lead to success instead of disappointment. Many couples face similar problems you are experiencing in your relationship(s) and are represented in this book to give you a new perspective on old issues, providing new paths forward. Perel suggests creating healthy space in the relationship that honors each person as an autonomous individual, that does not threaten the "WE" of the relationship but creates more sexual tension between the "YOU" and "ME". The idea is that eroticism thrives in the space between partners; and so, learning how to create and tend this space over time in our relationships is vital to our satisfaction within the relationship. This is why I consider Mating in Captivity required reading for today's couples and encourage you to pick it up.

 

There's always more to learn about relationships and how we relate to one another. Consider opening up these books with a curious to mind to see what information might support you and where you're at with your relationships. You may also use these books as a catalyst for conversations with your own individual or couples therapist. Enjoy!

We have therapists with openings here at Riverbank Therapy. Click here to connect with our intake coordinator and schedule your free 20 minute consultation!

Want to read more on this topic? Check our this blog on 7 Tips for Better Emotional Connection, or this one on pre-marital counseling!

7 Tips for Better Emotional Connection With Your Partner

by Abby Birk, LMFT

In a post-lockdown world, I can't think of anything more important than mindfully and intentionally connecting with those we love,. Not just maintaining our close connections, but nurturing them with intention and care. Whether you are in a new relationship or in a long-term partnership, married or dating, these tips can inspire new ways to improve emotional closeness and connection with your partner. I encourage you to personalize the tips to your relationship, allowing your own creativity to influence how you might apply these research-backed suggestions!

 

Tip #1: Daily Compliments

According to Prepare/Enrich, a major premarital counseling program, one of the simplest ways to increase emotional connection and feelings of positivity in your relationship is to intentionally and generously compliment your partner daily. Compliments convey gratitude, affection, respect, and admiration, which are crucial for building a solid foundation for emotional connection and intimacy. Sometimes we get so caught up in the habit of our daily routines that we can't remember the last time we gave our partner a flirty compliment of how attracted we are to them or an honest affirmation of the hard work we see them putting in to their big project or our household chores. Experiment with offering your partner more daily compliments to better set the stage for emotional intimacy and closeness.

 

Tip #2: Daily De-Stressing Conversation

I see the daily Stress-Reducing Conversation from the Gottman Couples Method as an essential building block for emotional intimacy. Cultivating the ability to support each other day to day with various stressors outside of your relationship from work or home, personal or relational, can make the difference between feeling like a connected couple or a disconnected duo. While the De-stressing Convo is pretty straightforward, it is encouraged to personalize and adapt it to your own relationship's needs. Typically the rules go like this:

  • One Speaker and one Listener

  • Speaker talks as in depth and in detail as they want about any stress or stressors they have outside of the relationship (and can also include things they feel positive or grateful for or are looking forward to).

  • Listener shows interest, eye contact, affection, and solidarity with Speaker

  • When Speaker is done talking, Listener summarizes what they heard Speaker say and asks, "Do you feel heard/understood?"

  • Speaker corrects Listener if needed, who then edits their summary until Speaker feels satisfied with summary and feels heard.

  • Speaker and Listener may only then switch roles.

 

It is important to be on your partner's side, like their cheerleader or best friend...sharing in their feelings, triumphs, and sorrows, without making these your own issues or your problems to solve. Listener's goal is to ACTIVELY LISTEN; showing the Speaker that you are paying attention and taking in the meaning of what they are saying, paying particular attention to the emotions they are expressing. This can look like nodding your head, maintaining eye contact, shifting your body to face your partner, holding their hand, following along with "Mhm"s and "Wow, that sounds tough!" Focus on the emotion words your partner is using, this makes for easier and more meaningful validation and summary statements: "You sound frustrated about that coworker!" "You are hurt and saddened by how your mom chose to talk to you today over the phone."

So many couples struggle with taking on their partner's stresses or trying to come up with solutions prematurely. It's important to remember, we all have the desire to be seen and heard, to have our experiences and emotions accepted. This is the goal of the Daily De-stressing Convo -- not solution-finding or fixing how our partner feels!

 

Tip #3: Increase the frequency and variety of your non-sexual touch

Disconnected couples can fall into the trap of not touching their partner unless they are attempting to initiate sex. Therefore, it is important to be giving and not goal-seeking when offering physical touch as a way to connect with our partner, otherwise we run the risk of associating physical touch with pressure or expectation for more. Non-sexual touch includes physical forms of affection such as cuddling, massaging, tickling, rubbing, holding hands, sitting together with limbs touching, hugging, even kissing. The idea is to get creative with the variety and frequency of touch that you are utilizing to convey affection to your partner so that you are not only using touch to initiate sex or intercourse. Remember, people have different preferences for amounts and types of physical touch they enjoy. Please always honor your partner's boundaries and preferences for the amount and type of touch they would like to experience when engaging in nonsexual and sexual touch.

 

Tip #4: Play Together

Disconnected couples don't often make time or space for play and fun in their relationship. It's easy to forget that relationships take effort, investment, and nurturing to thrive -- just like a plant or any other living thing. And just like other living things, relationships die when they are neglected. Play is defined differently from couple to couple: board games, date nights, concerts, trying a new activity, learning a new skill, cooking class, wrestling, traveling, laughing together...are all ways we can connect with our partners with play. Play is not only something children need, adults need play, too, we just don't make as much time for it as we should. Here is your reminder to be intentional and make room for play in your relationship so you can connect further over experiences of joy and pleasure. Who doesn't want more of that in their lives?

 

Tip #5: Check in about it

Sometimes the best approach is the direct approach. To increase emotional connection, it might be best to simply ask what would help your partner feel more connected to you. Take turns answering these questions from Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin, LMFT:

  • "What are 3-5 specific things that help you feel connected to me?"

  • "What are your 3-5 favorite ways to receive love?"

  • "What are your 3-5 favorite ways to show me your love?"

As a bonus tip, make this a weekly ritual checking in about what each of you need to feel connected or supported this coming week, keeping in mind that our answers  can change hour to hour and day to day (so it's a good idea to keep checking in about it).

 

Tip #6: Share Your Dreams and Goals

Connected and healthy couples cheer on their partners in accomplishing the goals they set out for themselves. Couples who share a vision and dream of the future are stronger in the face of smaller conflicts and challenges. Even if your dreams differ from your partner or are more specific to you or your career, just sharing your dreams and goals with one another and offering each other support is a profound way to show respect, admiration, and love for your partner. When we feel supported by our partner, we are more likely to be successful in accomplishing our goals! Research shows feeling close and connected to our partners at home actually improves our performance and achievement out there in the world!

 

Tip #7: Couples Therapy

As a marriage and family therapist, my favorite part of working with couples is being allowed the honor of witnessing couples growing stronger and closer together by addressing challenging patterns and blocks in their relationships. Couples therapy is not only a place for struggling couples, it is also a place for couples who are wanting to learn new and better ways to connect to improve emotional or physical intimacy as a proactive or preventative measure. If you are wanting to invest more time and effort into your relationship, couples therapy can be a lovely option for creating space in your busy schedules to sit down and mindfully nurture your relationship.

 

And now....

The mission should you choose to accept it....

Select one tip to try out in the next week OR have both you and your partner select an idea from this blog post to try this week without telling the other person what option you chose. Once you've experimented with one of the options above, debrief and discuss how this action led you to feel in terms of emotional connectedness with your partner and vice versa. Eventually, with even more experimentation and exploration, you both will begin to identify a full menu of actions and ideas for drawing closer and improving your sense of closeness with your romantic partner! Most importantly, please remember to have fun with it!

We have couples therapists here at Riverbank Therapy who would be happy to support you as well! Click here to learn more about couples therapy, and fill out our contact form here to schedule your free 20 minute consultation.

Insurance Superbills and Out of Network Therapy

Here at Riverbank Therapy, we provide courtesy billing for clients who want to use their in or out of network insurance benefits (read more about this below, and more about our fees and billing practices here). However, many therapists in the field opt to provide clients with superbills rather than doing courtesy billing.

Even if you don’t seek therapy at Riverbank, we’d love to support you in understanding what a superbill is, how they work, and what out of network reimbursement can look like with superbills. We want to support you in feeling confident navigating the financial side of therapy services.

What is a superbill?

A superbill is a receipt from your therapist provided to you after a session has occurred. You can submit your superbill to your insurance carrier for potential out of network reimbursement.

For successful claims processing with your insurance, the superbill must contain at least:

  • your name, date of birth, and insurance ID number,

  • the date of service for the session,

  • the CPT code for the session (for most therapy sessions this is 90791, 90837, or 90834), including any modifiers for the session if it was a telehealth session,

  • your diagnosis (yes, even with out of network billing, you must have a diagnosis on the superbill for insurance reimbursement),

  • the providers name, license number, NPI number, and tax ID number,

  • the fee for the session, and how much you paid.

Some insurers may require more information on a superbill, but this is typically what is required.

 

Why is my therapist giving me a superbill?

Therapists who are out of network with insurance companies may choose to provide you with a superbill rather than doing courtesy billing (more on courtesy billing below).

Therapists often choose to do superbills because they do not have to navigate the complexities of insurance systems and incur less risk financially. With superbills, the therapist collects the full session fee from you up front, and then you do the legwork to potentially get reimbursed by your insurance company.

 

What if I don’t HAve or want a mental health diagnosis?

We understand that not everyone wants to have a diagnosis in their medical record. Much of what brings us to therapy is just a result of being a human, and labeling your experience with a diagnosis is not always helpful.

However, a diagnosis is required for in-network and out of network billing for services to be reimbursed by your insurance company. Sessions will not be covered by insurance without one. Unfortunately, this is how the insurance industry in the United States functions, regardless of how your provider handles billing.

If you don’t want to have a diagnosis on file, you will want to opt for “private pay”. This is effectively just paying out of pocket for therapy sessions and not involving insurance at all.

 

How do I submit a superbill?

Different insurers have different processes for submitting superbills. Most of them have an online member portal where you can fill out a claims form requesting reimbursement and include the superbill (with all of the information listed above, and anything additional your insurance carrier requires). Then you wait for them to process the claim and determine how much was covered by your insurance.

Some HSAs also require you to submit a superbill when using HSA funds to pay for therapy sessions. Check with your specific insurance plan and HSA to find out what is required.

 

How much will my out of network insurance cover when I submit a superbill?

This depends on your plan. See more on our Insurance 101 page for information about insurance plans, deductibles, coinsurances, and the difference between in and out of network providers.

When you submit a superbill, you’re doing it because your therapist is out of network with your plan. Your therapist should quote you an estimate of your benefits before your first session so that you have informed consent about what therapy will cost for you. Not all providers do this though, so we recommend also calling your insurance carrier to find out what your out of network coverage is.

Most out of network plans have a deductible that you have to hit before insurance begins covering anything.  For example, you may have a $3000 out of network deductible. This means you have to use $3000 worth of medical services before insurance will pay anything. (More on this on our Insurance 101 page). Once you hit your deductible, most plans have an out of network coinsurance. For example, after paying $150 per therapy session until you hit the $3000 deductible, you might then have a 50% coinsurance per session. This means you would pay $75 per session, and your insurance would reimburse you for the other $75.

However, if your provider is doing superbills, you would have to pay their $150 fee up front, even after you’ve met your deductible, then submit the superbill to your insurance, and wait for your insurance to reimburse you for the $75 (50% coinsurance) that they cover.

Again, we recommend reaching out to your specific insurance carrier to find out what your out of network coverage is.

 

How do I get reimbursed by my insurance company?

Most insurance companies mail you a check for the covered amount after you submit the superbill and they process the claim. This typically takes around 30 days after you submit the superbill.

 

What is courtesy billing?

Courtesy billing means that you don’t have to deal with superbills! Courtesy billing means that your provider submits claims to your insurance on your behalf, and then the provider waits for reimbursement.

For our above example, with a superbill, after you met your deductible, you would have to keep paying your therapist $150 out of pocket each session, then wait for your insurance to reimburse you for the $75 covered after your submit the superbill.

With courtesy billing, once you’ve met your deductible in the above example, you would just pay the 50% coinsurance ($75) up front to your therapist, and then your therapist would wait for insurance reimbursement instead.

We do courtesy billing at Riverbank Therapy. We find it to be easier for our clients and increases the accessibility of therapy. More information on how we handle this on here.

INTERESTED IN SCHEDULING A FREE CONSULTATION WITH ONE OF OUR PROVIDERS? FILL OUT OUR CONTACT FORM HERE AND WE’LL GET YOU BOOKED!

WANT TO HEAR MORE ON THIS TOPIC? LISTEN TO TONI TALKS THERAPY EPISODE 2 ABOUT STARTING THERAPY!

Embracing Your Villain Era

by Abby Birk, LMFT

My favorite trend gaining some notable notoriety amongst social media users is the call to embrace your "Villain Era". The "Villain Era" represents unleashing and embracing less acceptable parts of yourself that go against typical social messaging other or people pleasing. Full-heartedly supporting any movement to reclaim "socially unacceptable" parts of ourselves, I wrote this post so that you can make a plan for how to embrace your own parts that others have deemed villainous to their own oppressive agendas.

 

The movement calls into question exactly what we are villainizing. Selfishness? Clear expectations? Boundaries? These are all important ingredients for healthy relationships and wellbeing. Unfortunately, patriarchy, traditional gender norms, white supremacy, and racism have dictated what are favorable ways to act and be in society -- ways that perpetuate disempowerment of certain groups while perpetuating the power structures of other groups. This post serves to join the call to unleash your inner villain, all while questioning: is it really that villainous to take care of myself by setting boundaries??

 

This post is for those of you who find themselves falling into the trap of people pleasing and over-accommodating others at the expense of themselves. Allow yourself to explore what your villainous alter ego can offer and how you can use it to better your life with increased wellbeing.

 

People Pleasing & The Fawn Response

It's worth diving a bit into why we often revert to people pleasing as a way to navigate relationships and workplaces. People pleasing is a learned response to stress or activation that we often learn as children with our families of origin. We may learn to please as a survival mechanism to receive love, affection, connection -- striving to be "good children" and receive that all-coveted adult praise and attention.

 

As adults, we've learned that in stressful situations, we can "neutralize" the threat by befriending it or being pleasing to the threat (aka our boss, demanding co-worker, judgy friend, angry stranger, etc.). Many call this the "Fawn" response, an add-on to other well-known stress responses: Flight, Fight, & Freeze. At its core, it's not such a terrible strategy in the sense that it usually works to neutralize the threat and get us what we want in the end -- praise & attention vs. punishment & shame, and even survival vs. death or violence.

 

The catch with the Fawn response, is that if used chronically, it can cost us more than it's worth. Instead of addressing the stressor -- the toxic  boss, workplace, or friend, or relationship we need to leave--we learn to manage the stress by losing ourselves to please the stressor. This may work in the short-term, but in the long-term there can be increased levels of chronic stress, deteriorated mental health, increased anxiety, fatigue/exhaustion, or low sense of self-esteem and self-worth. When we consistently sacrifice our selves, our integrity, our internal knowing in order to simply survive, there are often negative consequences we must deal with, however unintended they might be.

 

How to Embrace Your Villain Era

If you are someone who struggles with people pleasing and "fawning" in the presence of others when stressed or activated, then the Villain Era is for you. While it might feel like an extreme departure from the way you're used to behaving in certain contexts, embracing attitudes and actions that larger society villainizes gives you a chance to play with some alternative behaviors that could open up possibilities for how to navigate some common situations.

 

Here are some signs that you are embracing your Villain Era:

  • Setting AND enforcing boundaries

  • Choosing yourself

  • Honoring your limitations

  • Prioritizing pleasure

  • Taking instead of giving

  • Walking away from what no longer serves you

  • Speaking up for yourself

  • Saying no

  • Not taking on more just to be a "team player"

 

You might find all or most of these daunting in the sense of ... okay, well how do I do that? Or you might know these things are important and are already working on how to show up differently in your relationships. Wherever you find yourself on the spectrum, it's important to know that no one is perfectly good at all these things all of the time.

And--you don't have to do all of these things all of the time. For example, there are situations where it does make sense to say yes and be accommodating! In order to discern what action or choice is going to best serve you in each moment, we need to practice what doesn't come naturally so that we have options. 

 

Remember, there's always room to grow and learn and unlearn. There are many ways to incorporate these actions in your life. Here are a few suggestions for the most common contexts we find ourselves in: workplace, intimate relationships, and family relationships. Most of these suggestions come from my work with clients and the most common challenging situations they face.

 

Embracing Your "Villain Era" at Work

For you "fawners" out there, the villainous trait to lean into at work is saying "no." There are a variety of reasons saying no to your boss or co-worker or client/customer feels wrong (or may not even be possible). It is important to examine the reasons why "no" may not feel appropriate (or be appropriate) for any given situation.

 

Is it that your boss has been un-supportive of you in the past, is it that your workplace culture favors productivity and results over wellness of their employees and sustainable workload? Does it feel impossible because maybe you haven't really tried it before? The answer may impact how you respond and navigate the situation.

 

Often, at work in America, if you aren't taking care of you, no one else is going to. So you need to be the one to take stock of your own limitations, your mental and emotional energy and place boundaries around what you can and simply cannot do, taking a realistic approach. Taking on more work from a coworker in order to be seen as a "team player" might sound like a good idea at the moment, or you might even notice that people treat you differently when you say yes all the time, you might be more likely to be chosen for a promotion -- these are all reasons why we say yes and keep saying yes. But there are important reasons to say no, too. Protecting your humanness by protecting your mental health sometimes trumps wanting your desk-mate to like you.

 

I don't mean to simplify this challenge. Saying no at work is HARD because the workplace system is built so that saying no is not easy and so that we DO NOT prioritize our own wellbeing. By saying no sometimes to more work that isn't yours, a late work night, weekend work calls, mobile phone notifications, you are saying yes to something else : YOU, your needs, your time, your relationships, your hobbies, your activities, your peace, your rest, your humanness.

 

If this is something you would like to practice, I suggest finding a space where you're alone, thinking of a situation where you would like to say no and practicing the word "NO" out loud followed by some type of gesture (pushing away from your body, palms facing out, shaking your head from side to side, stomping your foot, or balling up your hands into fists). Giving ourselves permission to say no sometimes just takes practice.

 

Embracing Your "Villain Era" in your Partnerships:

Embracing the villain in your intimate partnerships can look like being selfish and taking/receiving. Something to practice if you are often the caregiver or over-functioner in the relationship is to assert your own needs and receive care from your partner(s) instead of resorting to your usual giving tendency. Now most relationships are flexible on which partner is giving or receiving over a variety of situations. I am talking about people who have the tendency to give first, who have difficulty letting go and receiving care for themselves, their body, their needs...whether those be emotional, physical, romantic, sexual or otherwise.

Play around with being the needy one, the selfish one. Be the one to ask for something you want or need. Try taking what your partner is offering you, instead of politely declining. Try asking directly for what you need, and letting your partner provide it. Hopefully, these suggestions inspire some of your own ideas on how you would like to show up embracing your villain for the purpose of challenging the limits and stories you put on yourself to not need or enjoy other people taking care of you.

 

 

Embracing Your "Villain Era" in Family Relationships:

Embracing boundary setting AND enforcing can be a powerful way to embrace your inner villain in family relationships. Here's what I mean by setting AND enforcing boundaries.

First, you must identify where you would like a boundary with a family member and why. This helps your conviction when communicating the boundary and commitment to enforcing the boundary whenever you face push-back. For example, several of my clients struggle with questions, topics, or comments made by various family members over the phone or during time spent together. Many of my clients start to notice feeling anger, resentment, discomfort, hurt, or irritation in response to their family members. These are important emotional responses to listen to, for they might be telling you exactly where a boundary needs to be placed. Boundaries feel villainous sometimes because of how we've been raised, typically our family of origin dynamics and the roles we play or have played in our family. But just because it feels wrong or bad, doesn't mean it is wrong or bad. Boundaries are a necessary ingredient for healthy, happy, secure, and safe relationships.

 

As Prentis Hemphill's definition of boundaries remind us: "boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." A lot of family members would verbally agree that that's exactly what they want with you, even if they're unhappy or uncomfortable with what that means or takes on their part.

 

Depending on the relational, structural, cultural, racial, or ethnic context of your family relationships, the factors influencing if, how, and where you enact boundaries may be extremely complex and take more time and consideration before setting or enforcing any type of boundary. If this is the case, it may be helpful to explore options relating to your specific situation with a therapist who shares identities with you or is culturally-competent enough to facilitate an exploration of ways for you to show up authentically and with care in your family system. Here is a lovely list of examples for verbal boundary setting related to changing topics or responding to questions you do not want to answer (credit: Amanda E. White: Therapy for Women @therapyforwomen):

  • "I'm not comfortable talking about that. Let's switch to a different topic."

  • "I understand why you're curious. It's just not something I want to discuss."

  • "I would prefer not to answer that."

  • "I'd prefer if you didn't bring that topic up again, unless I bring it up first."

  • "I've told you that I'm not comfortable answering this/talking about this, please don't bring it up again."

  • "It really negatively impacts me when you continue to ask me about this/talk about this after I've asked you not to."

  • "Asking that question puts a lot of pressure on me. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but I would prefer not to answer that."

 

Now comes the enforcement. Boundaries are just talk, unless we are prepared to DO something when they are violated or crossed. Enforcing a boundary is about what YOU will do if the boundary is not honored. This is an important and sometimes tricky step.

  • "I do not want to discuss this topic with you. So you can't bring it up or I'm going to yell at you..." is not usually the most constructive or helpful enforcement of a boundary.

  • "I do not want to discuss this topic with you and if you continue to bring it up, I will need to take some space from our conversation...." can be a better way to enact self-agency and enforce boundaries.

 

Remember, enforcing boundaries is not meant as a punishment but a natural consequence for not honoring a boundary. It is about what YOU will do IF/WHEN this boundary is crossed. With time and maybe some help from others, you will learn to fine tune this skill across the various relationships in your life so that you can create safety and security with others while honoring yourself.

 

I hope this post just whets your appetite for all the myriad ways there are to lean into this alter ego of sorts, the parts of yourself that you've learned to exile, the parts you're afraid to let run the show. Practicing flexibility with yourself and how you show up at work or in relationships can promote beneficial outcomes for your physical health, mental health, and overall wellbeing.

 

The Riverbank therapists would love to support you and any work you would like to do around this or other related topics such as boundaries, family of origin, intimate relationships, sense of self, self-worth, asserting needs, self care, etc. We have therapists in-person in Seattle and who provide virtual therapy across the state of Washington. Click here to book a free consultation with one of our therapists today!

 

Good luck to all of you embracing your "Villain Era" out there!