How Naming Your Feelings Improves Relationships (Including the one with yourself)

In sitting with clients and myself, I like to start off with the simple, yet, powerful question, “How are you feeling?”

It’s slightly different from, “How are you doing?” or “how’s it going?”

Asking yourself or others how they feel is very specific and lends opportunity for you to check in with yourself emotionally. Before rolling your eyes, hear me out.

I know talking about emotions and naming feelings can be challenging and uncomfortable. Sometimes this is because we may not have the words to name the feeling, or weren’t socialized to recognize them and talk about them, or we’re so out of touch with our feelings that it may seem like more of a headache to name them than to ignore. It’s easy to answer, “I’m fine,” or “I’m good,” to those other questions, but neither one of those answers actually name a feeling. 

A feeling is an actual sensation tied to your emotional state. By answering “fine” or “good,” we’re not exactly connecting to an actual emotion. Of course, at times, this type of response is appropriate. For instance, if you’re checking out at the counter in a store, you may not want your cashier to know you’re super frustrated with your partner for not listening to you that morning. However, checking in with yourself or those you are close with can be extremely important. Naming feelings such as “I’m frustrated,” or “joyful” gives yourself a pulse on your emotional state which ultimately creates connection to self, or as I like to call it, your spirit.

Naming your emotions affords you with the opportunity of acknowledging yourself. This can be the first step to creating a relationship with yourself. Growing to understand yourself is the foundation to your mental health and external relationships. If you’re not certain of your feelings, you may not be aware of your needs and how to meet them. This makes it hard to acknowledge and navigate your moods and behaviors in a supportive way. It’s ok, we’re all figuring it out.

It feels nice to be acknowledged by someone else, why not allow that to be something you do for yourself? As Beyoncé said in her song “Me, Myself, and I,” “I’m gon’ be my own best friend.”

(The queen herself is never wrong but…I digress.)

via GIPHY

It’s a social norm to greet or acknowledge others when we walk into a room. You can make it a similar norm with yourself acknowledge how you’re feeling from time to time. Your spirit will smile when you acknowledge it. More than likely, you wouldn’t ignore a child who is crying, a friend who seems unsettled during a social function, or a family member experiencing joy when celebrating an accomplishment. But how often do you ignore yourself? It is an act of kindness and self-compassion to not ignore your emotions.

Building a relationship with yourself is the first step to building any relationship, especially as an adult.

As adults we often navigate relationships on our own because we’ve left the guidance of our parents and caretakers. We left the nest without a proper manual for relationship building, as if a manual exists for anything in adulthood. Often times you can find that guidance in therapy along with trial and error through various relationships. Nothing beats the opportunity to build and explore the longest standing relationship that you will ever have, a relationship with yourself. 

Naming your emotions with yourself can also be helpful for your relationships with others. Being clear with yourself about how you’re feeling helps you communicate to other people more effectively, and makes it much more likely that your needs will be met by the other person, and definitely will help you feel more heard, understood and cared for, even though it’s really vulnerable. Despite discomfort, you are worthy of understanding and getting your needs met, and that’s on periodt!

By recognizing a feeling such as frustration, you allow yourself to recognize this emotional state within. This invites you to potentially explore why you’re feeling that way or where it’s coming from so that you can address it. Feeling frustrated may not feel good in the moment, but processing and exploring why you feel this way can help change the feeling or care for yourself as you feel it. 

Frustration signals that maybe your needs aren’t being met in the moment or you feel misunderstood by someone. Instead of potentially channeling your frustrations toward someone else in a way that isn’t helpful or intentional, you’ve acknowledged your emotion and invited yourself to process the situation. This way your emotion can be seen and validated by yourself, and then communicated to the other person. 

Becoming self-aware after processing your emotions can lead to understanding yourself, connection to the physical implications of your emotional state, along with a path to finding useful coping skills when needed. Once you’ve processed what made you frustrated, you can also name your bodily responses to recognize the impact of this emotion on you physically; furthermore, this deepens your connection with yourself. For instance, when I’m frustrated I tend to get hot, my shoulders become tense, my jaw tightens, and I’m not breathing as deeply. By recognizing my physical state in moments of frustration, I’ve realized my go-to coping mechanism is to take deeper breaths and focus on my breathing pattern.

This allows for me to slow my thoughts and responses to others; as a result, I can be more tactful in my responses so the way I’m communicating will potentially be more receptive. Although breathing may not be your go-to coping skill, or how you would cope with “frustration,” in particular, naming your emotion will allow to recognize if and what coping skill you may need.  After exploring your emotion, it’s beneficial to explore coping skills that work for you with various grounding techniques such as naming sensations, meditating, engaging in movement whether it be dance or taking a walk, hanging out with people who love and support you, or engaging if your favorite hobby.

You may also externalize the issue so that there’s no reason to channel frustration toward someone else or yourself ineffectively. Externalizing means to name the problem not the person. 

Externalizing the issue creates room for you to detach the issue from a person to looking at it more objectively. Ask yourself, “what is the issue in this moment outside of the individuals involved?”. This helps you invite a little grace by shifting your perspective from blaming someone to instead, seeing the problem removed from the person. For instance, your frustration may not actually be with the person in the moment, but in the fact that it’s misunderstanding in communication; as a result, communication is the issue and not the person. This process can alleviate that frustration and maybe even transition that emotion to hope, or feeling as sense of clarity, after processing your emotion. 

It can also help you more effectively communicate to someone what you’re frustrated about. Rather than fighting words such as, “You’re an asshole”, you can say something like “I’m frustrated because I feel unheard right now”. You’re shifting the frustration in the situation from the person to the dynamic, which can help you and the other person face it together, rather than facing against each other.

Naming your emotion may seem simple, yet, a powerful exercise that will open doors for processing your feelings and deepening relationships. This process lends itself to you becoming connected to yourself, understanding yourself, and becoming aware of your needs in the moment. Identifying what’s happening for you internally can be the first step to building a solid relationship with your spirit, with your soul, with you.

Think of how many music artists have made millions off of naming and acknowledging their feelings: Drake, Whitney Houston, Adele, Otis Redding, the list goes on. If you’re not certain of how to put your feelings into words, feel free to Google “feelings wheel,” or “wheel of emotions” or check out this blog post about it.

You can check in with your feelings anywhere, anytime. So, now I have to ask, how are you feeling?

Read about more ways to cultivate a relationship with yourself here.

If you’d like to work with a therapist at Riverbank Therapy, fill out our contact form!

How to Practice Self-Compassion

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is very similar to compassion for others, but directed towards yourself. It is noticing that you are suffering, and meeting yourself with kindness and warmth in the midst of that pain. It is caring for yourself in moments where you’re hurting. My favorite way to think about self-compassion is to treat yourself in that moment like you would a close friend.

Kristin Neff (self-compassion.org) breaks down self-compassion into three components:

Self-kindness (instead of self-judgement). This means that you meet yourself with warmth and kindness, rather than criticism and judgement.

Common humanity (instead of isolation). This means recognizing that pain is part of the human experience and that you are not alone in suffering (knowing that your specific pain is unique to you).

Mindfulness (instead of overidentification). This means feeling and observing our emotions without getting overly sucked in by them, or overly identifying with them. Nervous system regulation skills really help here.

“With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation.” -Kristin Neff

How do I practice self-compassion?

There are a few ways. They all start with noticing when and how you are judging, criticizing or being mean to yourself. Just bringing awareness to this pattern will likely start to create a desire to be kinder to yourself (kind of like the light in the fridge; it changes just by virtue of being observed).

Once you’ve noticed self-criticism, my personal favorite way to practice self-compassion is to ask myself what I would say to a friend. I wouldn’t say “you piece of shit, get over it.” Instead, I might say, “this really hurts right now, what do you need?” and then try to meet that need. Giving this to yourself is, to me, the essence of self-compassion.

Other ways you can practice:

-name what you’re feeling, ask what you need, and meet that need;

-make a mantra like “pain is human, I am allowed to feel this”

-place your hand on your heart and take a few breaths;

-head to self-compassion.org to download Neff’s “self-compassion break” meditation and other guided practices;

-practice lovingkindness meditation.

Why is self-compassion so difficult?

Most of us are critical of ourselves. We have a front row seat to all of our flaws and weaknesses. It’s far easier to be critical of yourself than others, partially because you know your soft spots better than others. It’s also easier because being mean to yourself often happens internally, so others don’t see it and call you out on it. When you’re mean to others, it gets noticed. With self-criticism, you can fly under the radar.

Self-compassion is possible to cultivate, even if you hate yourself. It takes practice. You don’t have to believe it at first; keep practicing. Right now, you’ve got a superhighway of self-criticism, and an overgrown neglected path of self-compassion. It takes time and consistency to cut a new path, and turn the self-compassion path into the highway default.

I feel guilty when I’m kind to myself. How do I deal with that?

This is a common reaction to self-compassion. Remind yourself that you deserve kindness and compassion. Always.

Questions to reflect on:

Where did you learn that you don’t deserve kindness?

Where did you learn that criticism is the best path to motivation and success?

Do you believe that criticism is working for you?

Self-compassion feels like an excuse. How can I do this and still be accountable?

Accountability is part of self-compassion. Accountability and shame are different. Calling yourself bad or shaming yourself for doing something wrong is very different than actually holding yourself accountable. Shame does not promote behavior change. Compassionate accountability does. Self-compassion can be softness and gentleness, and it can also be calling yourself on your shit.

I like to think about self-compassion as talking to yourself the way you'd talk to a friend. And sometimes, a good friend will kindly (or with tough love) tell you when you're wrong and need to do better.

Accountability with self-compassion means holding yourself to your values and how you want to show up in the world, while not calling yourself bad or awful for making a mistake. Accountability and self-compassion are similar to self-care.

Self-care is not always a spa day. Sometimes self-care is hard stuff, like setting that boundary, buckling down and doing the task you've been putting off, etc.

Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook. It's being kind to yourself, and, at times, that kindness means telling yourself that you did something outside of your value system and committing to doing better.

Self-compassion is a key skill for mental and emotional well-being. I highly recommend diving into this work, with a therapist if you’re able!

If you’d like to schedule with one of our therapists, click here to book your free consultation now!

10 Things to Stop and Start Doing to Become the Main Character In Your Life

By: Abby Lombardo, LMFT

What is Main Character Energy?

It’s the Gen Z term for being the protagonist of your own life, the hero of your own story.

So many of my clients are learning how to channel their Main Character Energy right now, which inspired me to share what I’ve been working on with them:

10 Things to STOP & START doing to become the main character in your own life

Stop comparing.

To be the main character in your own life is going to require you to start seeing yourself this way. You aren’t the sidekick, the background character, the cameo appearance. This. Is. Your. Life. Start showing up to it without always trying to find someone who is wealthier, more attractive, more talented (all the things white supremacy, diet culture, patriarchy and capitalism tell us to value). There will always be someone who has more (and less) than you. They get to be the main characters of their stories, and guess what, you still get to be the main character of yours with all of your strengths and your flaws, too. Stop putting other people on a pedestal above you. We are all human, all equals. We all deal with shit, just different kinds of it.

Start listening to your own wants, needs, boundaries.

An excellent way to stop comparing is to start being curious about yourself instead: your preferences, likes, dislikes, things that make you smile, things that make you feel cozy and comforted, things that excite you, things that challenge you.

Focus on getting to know what needs you have that are unmet: Do you need more connection? More hobbies & interests? Comfort? A bed-time routine? More manageable goals?

When you spend the time to relate to yourself listening for what makes you happy, it’s much easier to cheer on others going after their joy, too. And here is where boundaries come in—for protecting your joy. When things and people threaten your safety, your emotional energy, your time, anything of yours really—it’s time to consider placing a boundary – saying: here’s where you stop & start and here’s where I stop & start. I’m only responsible for me.

The simplest form of a boundary: saying no. Try it with me. Out loud. I’m serious. No. No. No no no no. Nooo. NOOOOOO. NO. Where do you need to say no in your life? Where do you really want to say it, but aren’t? Why not? What’s stopping you? And is that a good enough reason?

Main characters are interesting because they have something unique to them that they own. They explore who they are through the arcs of their plotlines. They have wants, needs, dreams, goals, motivations. They aren’t everyone’s doormat. They aren’t formless blobs of people, they have spunk or wit or quirks. Get to know yourself as a main character does.

Stop people pleasing.

I once heard that people pleasing is a form of control (Dr. Nicole LePera). We want to control other people’s perceptions of us. We want to be what they expect, want, and need us to be so we can be liked and accepted. This is not Main Character Energy.

Start doing your inner work.

We need to take a step back and examine this need for control, this need to be liked, this need to be needed.

Where does it come from?

When did I learn this?

How did/does this serve me?

What am I truly afraid of happening if I am not in control, liked, or needed?         

These are usually the youngest parts of ourselves that we try to protect most because we feel the most vulnerable there, in our soft spots: the spot deep in my core that holds on to the fear that I’m unlovable, bad, unworthy, undesirable, etc. Main characters of all kinds have this vulnerable human quality, too. So what do we do with that part once we acknowledge it? See below on how to offer more kindness, compassion, and acceptance. Truthfully, this is hard work. Being honest enough with our selves, the parts we hide the most shame, the most fear, the most pain is not easy. Remember, you do not have to do this work alone. These are typical conversations that come up in therapy and can be supportive if you find value in working through things like this.

Stop criticizing and judging.

Criticizing and judging others often means you turn that on yourself 100-fold. Some of my clients believe that if they aren’t criticizing themselves or judging themselves then they can’t learn or grow. Some think that if they preempt others and point out their own flaws first, then no one can hurt them or embarrass them or shame them first. Sometimes, we learn from our role models what it’s like to pore over your every blemish and flaw, your every mistake and not let up. Main characters do not criticize themselves into a black hole, they learn what they need to learn, trust themselves to make the change, and move forward with their newfound learning and confidence. Cut back on the amount your cutting yourself (and others) down.

Start offering kindness and compassion.

You’ve probably heard it a few times by now across various platforms: be kind to yourself. Give yourself some compassion. Hear me now, again: Be kind to yourself. Give yourself some compassion. What we know of main characters: they get into some kind of conflict, they have some sort of trial they work through it internally or otherwise to complete their story arc and learn the lesson, mend the relationship, meet the goal, accomplish the mission, etc. See the bigger story at play here. You’re in a moment of trial, conflict, pain – you do not need to add more. You do not need to motivate yourself with shame and judgment and criticism. So what does kindness and compassion actually look like? Say some of these out loud and see if any of them feel good to you:

Wow, I’m dealing with a lot.

This is really hard.

This sucks.

It makes sense that I feel this way (because…)

I need comfort right now (finds way to give self comfort).

I’m going to take a break from this right now.

I’m struggling. It’s okay to ask for help.

I have it in me to do this.

Pro tip: Speak to yourself using a pet name (honey, hun, darling, love, sugar…). My personal favorite is “babe”. It is unusually challenging to be mean to yourself when using a term of endearment while talking to yourself or your body.

Stop trying to be perfect.

Listen to me, it’s a trap. It really is. As a recovering perfectionist, I feel especially strongly about addressing the white supremacist and societal expectation of perfection that permeates everything we hear from buy this, wear this, do this in order to be perfect, liked, desirable, successful, loved, accepted, etc…. The truth is that we do not need to be perfect to be all these things (and more). The truth is that we can’t be perfect. It’s not in our DNA. All we can be is human; all we can be is ourselves. The sooner we learn this, the freer we are to actually come to understand and pursue the things that are of value to us and connect us to each other. Besides, a perfect main character is so boring because they have nothing that makes them interesting or human.

Start being vulnerable.

Humans find connection through vulnerability. It’s really, really hard to be vulnerable when you’re trying to be perfect. In fact, vulnerability makes for a great antidote to perfectionism. This needs saying: you do not need to be vulnerable all the time, nor should you be vulnerable with everyone. Once you discern that it is the appropriate time and place to take some light risk, then please do share more of yourself, talk about something that’s difficult for you, ask for help, or the like. And then pay attention to the response you get from that person…how do they respond? Do you feel more connected to this person? Do they feel more connected to you? Did they respond by sharing something, too? With support? Or judgment? Then decide from there whether the risk of more vulnerability is called for or not in that moment. Vulnerability is hard, it’s messy. It can also be deeply rewarding and freeing. When we let people see us as the whole person we are, we learn to accept those hard parts of ourselves, too. The best main characters know how to find meaningful connection by being vulnerable and when to hold good boundaries and not be vulnerable.

Stop trying to be “normal”.

Normal is a social construct. It’s established by those in power of what this “good standard of human” or “the good life” looks like. In reality, the diversity and differences within our species is too vast to come up with such a model of average/normal. I encourage you to truly examine your assumptions and definitions around a “normal” person or life or experience. Maybe you wish you weren’t neuro-diverse, that you didn’t have to struggle with mental health issues, that your relationships weren’t broken, that you weren’t living paycheck to paycheck… These are not small things to wrestle with. This is what it means to be human. To be alive, to be messy, to experience suffering --to live in a system that does not serve, value, or treat everyone equally. The issue is not you; it’s the idea that there is a “normal” that you do not live up to. With any perceived “deviation” from the “norm” (or what we’re sold as the norm) comes grief, the sadness and anger over the loss of expectation that it should be different. I should be different. When we get stuck here, there’s not much we can do but rail against ourselves and a system not made for us. A true main character journeys through this grief, anger, denial to hopefully find meaning and acceptance.

Start accepting who you are.

Take stock of yourself. Honestly. Truly. What are your growth areas, your strengths, your interests, talents, hopes, dreams, flaws, issues, the things that make you you or make you human. Then, own your shit. Own it all. All the socially acceptable, good parts along with the bad and the ugly.

You’re not perfect.

You may not be “normal.”

But finally, finally, you can arrive at just being. If you try to fight reality, you will always lose.

You’re human.

You’re you.

Find your way to this acceptance as often as you can, for it is not a destination, something we arrive at once and done; it’s a journey, mixed in with all the aforementioned grief, loss, denial, anger, anxiety, and pain. Own that this is your journey and do with it what you can with what you’ve got. And remember, you’re unique, but you’re not alone. This is what it means to be alive. To be the main character of your own story, a story you own.

If you want to learn more about how to apply these concepts specifically in your life, reach out to schedule with one of our therapists!

10 Ways to Connect with Yourself

by Abby Lombardo, LMFT

1.     Write a “Where I’m From” poem.

What it is: The Where I’m From poems are part of the I Am From Project (for examples and more information: https://iamfromproject.com/poems-thru-8-2020/) connecting people to themselves and to each other through our personal stories and backgrounds. It is a type of prompted poem that incorporates aspect of your history, background, family, location, identities, memories, and feelings of your beginnings.

Why it works: Often times, we forget that stories are deeply connecting and help us make sense of our own existence. Humans are storytellers, brains respond well to stories. They give us a framework for our experiences and for things we do and do not quite understand. Working on a “Where I’m From” poem could help you connect to aspects of you that have gone unexamined, but that remain an integral part of who you are and how you see the world today.

2.     Create rituals and routines.

What it is: Just like stories, most brains and bodies respond well to rituals and routines. Maybe it is a morning routine, a way to make space for time that does not belong to anyone else or your job or your never-ending to-do list. Maybe it is an after-work routine, a way to unwind your body and mind. Maybe it is a bed time routine, a way to cue your mind when it is time to rest and get sleepy. Whatever and whenever it may be, a ritual or routine can be a great way to connect with yourself better.

Why it works: I once heard: wherever we spend time, we invest it. Wherever we give our time, one of our most valuable and limited resources, is where we are investing ourselves. Rituals and routines are powerful placeholders in our fast- and faster- paced lives because they cause us to invest time in what sustains us, give us moments of pause and intention, and create structure around what we truly value and need.

3.     Move.

What it is: When I use the term movement, I use it very intentionally. I’m purposefully not using the world “exercise”, though that does fall under the umbrella of “movement”. Movement is anything from neck and shoulder rolls, to yoga, to Pilates, to stretching, to shaking, to dancing and all and everything else that you can do with your body!

Why it works: Finding joyful movement, moves that feel good, create feel good feelings, etc. is one of the body’s natural ways to process emotional energy and boost mood! Some movement is challenging and sweat-inducing, some movement is calm and relaxing, whatever your body needs and wants go for it! Remember to have fun with it, stay within your body’s limitations, and that you do not have to move if you do not want to!

4.     Use your breath.

What it is: Your breath is most often the most accessible way to connect with yourself—it’s always there. Connecting to yourself through your breath can happen many different ways:

• simply noticing your breath as it is with no changes (the speed, depth, quality, sound, sensation, movement of body parts, temperature of the air, etc.)

• deepening your inhales and exhales (counting can help you slow down your breathing and keep your mind busy)

• adding a pause at the top or bottom of your breath (stopping when you’re full of air and stopping when your lungs are completely emptied. *not fully recommended for those who experience panic attacks or are triggered by holding their breaths.

Why it works: Your breath can tell you a lot about your current state of being. Is your system under stress? Are you scared…relaxed? Breathing is also a powerful tool in changing your current state of being. While breathing changes in response to your brain and body reacting to the environment or situation, it can also work in reverse – something called bidirectionality. Breathing signals your body and brain how to respond to the environment, too! By intentionally noticing and then deepening your breath, you are increasing awareness of your body’s response and are giving it a chance to change that response.

5.     Start a “Body Letters Series”.

What it is: When I was working in a higher-level of care eating disorder treatment center, we would have daily therapeutic groups for clients to learn (and unlearn) some things about their relationship to themselves along their recovery journey. One of the most powerful prompts we ever used around connecting people to their bodies is called “The Body Letters Series”. The prompt is this: write a letter to your Body. Then, have your Body write back. You can keep it going as long as you’d like, back and forth, back and forth.

Why it works: In dominant American culture, we are not taught to relate to our body as a being, instead it is a thing, object, project, toy, etc. When we change the way we relate to our body, we create so much more room for change within the relationship. And relationships include all types of feelings and thoughts: love, hate, ambivalence, grief… When we realize that our body has something to say, some wisdom to share with us, we are fundamentally changing how we relate to ourselves. The truth is our bodies have an ancient type of knowledge, one of instinct and intuition, of the intangible. This means that our bodies do not often speak in words, but in images, feelings, sensations, memories, pain, colors, temperature, movements, etc. Body Letters can be a start to allowing your Body the room to speak. Since words might be limited, then you might tweak the prompt and instead of writing a letter—you sit still and ask your body what it has to share with you. The more we do this, the better we can connect to this ancient somatic wisdom that is always with us, always a part of us.

6.     Validate yourself.

What it is: I’ve come across clients who were never given validation for their internal experience, who then never learned how to give themselves the validation they so desperately sought, that we all need. This is when I learned the importance of validation and the power of giving it to yourself.

How to validate: 1) acknowledge emotion/sensation/feeling/thought/whatever is part of your experience, 2) name or identify this experience (if you can, if not stay with it and go to next step) 3) say to yourself one or some of these phrases (or something like it):

• “It makes sense that I am experiencing this (because…)”

• “Wow, I’m having a hard time struggling with this.”

• “This is hard.”/ This is scary. / This is overwhelming./ This is ____.”

• “I’m experiencing a lot right now.”

Why it works: This 3-step validation process encourages us to acknowledge and accept our experience without trying to change it or berate ourselves for feeling it. This process allows space for self-compassion and self-kindness in the form of simple acceptance: This is what I’m feeling. This is ____. From here, we have more room to respond how we want to: with kindness, with comfort, with rest, with asking for help, etc. When we learn how to validate our own experience, we can become less desperate for others to meet that need for us and we get better at meeting it ourselves.

7.     Keep small promises to yourself & offer yourself what you need.

What it is: Connecting with yourself through keeping small promises or giving yourself what you need follows nicely after self-validation mentioned in #6. Keeping small promises to yourself builds self-trust. For example, maybe you know already that planning your meals helps you eat more consistently, then keeping the promise to meal plan is a way to take care of yourself and offer yourself what you need. Maybe you know that after you journal, you feel a release of emotion and you feel better, then keeping the promise to journal builds trust that you will do what you need when you need it. The possibilities are endless: going to bed at the time you set for yourself, giving yourself time to read or space out during your day, drinking enough water, it really doesn’t matter what it is as long as it is something you can reasonably offer yourself without getting caught up in the self-shame spiral of “I didn’t do it today”. Self-trust is also forgiving yourself and doing your best at the next opportunity.

Why it works: Your body, your psyche needs to know that you will listen and respond to its needs as they come to your attention. A lot of times we are not paying attention to our needs, physical or emotional or otherwise! Once we cultivate the awareness, we have the responsibility to ourselves to act in a way to meet these needs. If we don’t, bad things usually follow: somatic symptoms, pain, anxiety, depression, restlessness, illness, etc. etc. Needs can be small: drinking water, 3 meals a day, 20 minute naps or they can be abstract needs: purpose, direction, hope. The more practice we get at listening and following through with what we need, the more we connect to ourselves and the better we move through this world.

8.     Create a “Body Poem”.

What it is: Much like Body Letters, Body Poems are something I discovered in my own healing journey that allowed me to better connect to my body from a more body neutral capacity. Body Poems are poems, prose, or writings about each body part and what that body part has endured or how it functions to support you as a human being.

Why it works: Body Neutrality, the idea that we can relate to our bodies not for how they look or their shape or size but for what they can do, how they function, and how they support daily life. Body neutrality offers a different way to connect with ourselves, our bodies, that lies outside of the “you must love yourself and you are beautiful all the time and you should feel beautiful all the time because you are just the way you are” extreme body positivity culture. For some, that standard is just too far away and it creates shame and guilt in others. Body positivity is amazing! For some of us, body neutrality is also an amazing, hard-earned place to be at with ourselves. Body Poems allow us to really spend time with the separate parts of our bodies, diving into what they hold for us (memories, pain…) and what they do for us (breathe, lift, move, beat, embrace, rest, dance…).

9.     Try something new!

What it is: Could be anything! Try a new hobby, creative pursuit, a new outfit, a new game, a new skill, a new genre of book!

Why it works: Trying something new is a great way to discover parts of yourself you’ve not interacted with. When we face novel situations, we learn a lot about ourselves. We learn that we’re actually rather hard on ourselves and like to be too perfectionistic. We learn that we’re actually rather suited to embroidery or rock climbing. We learn how we fare through new challenges, hopefully earning a new sense of pride and confidence or learning to be okay with not being the best at everything.

10.  Go to therapy! :)

What it is: weekly, biweekly, monthly, etc. sessions with a mental health professional where you can work on challenges, practice new responses, create new insights, and acknowledge past dynamics. It’s a space to be heard, seen, understood, validated, and challenged.

Why it works: It’s the magic of therapy. It’s the deep healing that happens within a therapeutic relationship between two people willing to show up and see what happens. Therapy can be what you make it, and you only get out what you put in. Therapy is an excellent tool for connecting better with yourself and with others. If you’re thinking this might be the time for you to start therapy, click here to inquire about our team’s availability!

***Disclaimer: Some of these 10 ideas for connecting with yourself could connect you to some deep pain or trauma in working with your body or self in a new way. If this is the case, please stop or take it slow, know that you do not have to do this alone, and seek out help from a professional.

How to Cope with Shame

First things first: Guilt and shame are NOT the same emotion.

Guilt is "I did a bad thing." Shame is "I am bad."

Both are natural human emotions.

Guilt is useful (when it's actually called for). It calls you in to notice when your behavior is out of line with your values. Socially, it spurs you to apologize and do better in the future. In this way, guilt can be useful. (Guilt can certainly take over and become not useful, like we often see with depression or anxiety, so we're not talking about that kind of guilt right now).

Shame, on the other hand, is not useful. Shame says "you are bad, and you no longer belong in society." This is not helpful. Shame prohibits empathy and curiosity, and so gets in the way of even wanting to learn how to do better. Shame also gives you no incentive to change, because you are already "outcast".

**You might at this point be feeling shame about feeling shame. "What is wrong with me that I keep feeling this useless emotion?!" Please be nice to yourself. You are human, and shame is part of being human. We fear disconnection more than almost anything, and shame grows out of this fear. That's okay.**

You might notice that shame has a stronger physical/somatic presence than guilt. It might feel physically different than guilt--showing up in different places in your body with different patterns.

The thoughts associated with guilt and shame are also different.

Guilt thoughts tend to sound like:

"I wish I had called my friend earlier when I knew they were struggling."

"I should have studied more for that test."

"Lying like that was not okay, I don't feel good about that."

Shame thoughts tend to sound like:

"I'm a terrible friend for not being supportive. I don't deserve friends."

"I'm so stupid. I'm an idiot for not studying more and failing the test."

"I am a liar, no one can trust me."

You can practice moving from shame to guilt. Separate the BEHAVIOR from YOURSELF. (Contrary to popular? belief, you are more than your behaviors.) This can help you from spiraling from guilt, to shame, to hopelessness, even to feeling suicidal.

Questions to reflect on:

What did you actually do/not do?

Was this in line with your values or not?

Can you talk to yourself about the behavior and avoid making a global evaluation of yourself? (See above examples of guilt vs shame talk.)

What can you do to make amends? (Apologize, plan how to change your behavior in the future, etc).

And, as always, practice self-compassion. Everyone makes mistakes. It's human to fuck up. You're still good enough and loveable, even when you fuck up.

So how do we sit with shame??

Like many other emotions:

1) Identify THAT you are feeling it in the first place. Name the emotion: "this is shame."

2) Notice where and how you are experiencing shame in your body. I often feel it as sweaty pits, red face, heavy heart, and difficulty breathing. It will show up differently for all of us. For many who have experienced trauma, shame comes with a hypoaroused collapsed state and dissociation (below the window of tolerance). Notice this.

3) Write down or name what thoughts are coming with shame. "I'm the worst, everyone hates me, I don't deserve what I have..."etc.

4) Separate those thoughts from the moment that triggered shame:

-Maybe you did something you regret, shift "I am awful for doing that" to "That was out of line with my values, can I apologize or do better in the future?"

-Maybe you were just vulnerable with a friend, and now are questioning your disclosure. How did your friend respond? Were they supportive? Are there signs you will be rejected? More likely than not, they responded well and were supportive. Check those facts, and remind yourself that you are worthy of love and connection.

5) SELF-COMPASSION. Remind yourself that we all experience shame, that it is related to our fear of disconnection and abandonment. Remind yourself that all humans make mistakes, it is human to be imperfect, and that imperfect connection is what we're here for. Go for a walk, take a bath, play with your dog...do something that nourishes your soul and shows yourself care.