5 Myths About Couples Therapy

by Sophie Foster, LMFTA

As a couples therapist, I hear it often from people who have never tried couples therapy: "Couples therapy won't do anything for my relationship" or "Couples therapy is a waste of time and money" or "We can never heal the pain from the past."

These statements are filled with hopelessness about their relationship. But I see them as rooted in fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, pain, unrealistic expectations of partner, myths, the inability to forgive yourself or your partner, or rooted in not wanting to begin a new start with your partner.

Going to couples therapy can be a scary step to take with your partner. Leaning into this uncomfortable process together can make you both stronger.

Here’s another blog post that might be helpful, on how to talk to your partner about starting couples therapy.

Couples may be avoiding therapy due to their own stigma or judgments surrounding couples therapy. My goal in this post is to shine light on common myths about couples therapy and in doing so bring clarity and hope in knowing that couples therapy can help and heal couples in a very approachable way.

Myth #1 You only go to couples therapy if you're about to split up

Reality: False. If you two are willing to put in the hard work in therapy and improve your relationship, then couples therapy will work. Couples therapy can be the space to become more self-aware, romantic, build trust, deepen your friendship, and strengthen your commitment to each other. Couples can learn how to show up for their partner better and acknowledge their faults; we all have them. Going to couples therapy doesn't mean you're ready to split up. It means you're ready to take a look at your relationship and do what it takes to make it work for the both of you, whatever the outcome of that may be.

 Myth #2 Couples who go to therapy shouldn't be together

Reality: False. This is not true. Just because you and your partner are seeking help doesn't mean you are not meant to be together. Therapy will have you see things that you don't want to about yourself and your partner. Going to therapy will allow you to learn new things about your partner and yourself. Seeking help is creating more space for you as an individual and couple to better love and support one another within your relationship. Going to therapy doesn't always have to lead to the couple parting ways. The couple can press the restart button and gain a new perspective within a therapeutic space. Couples go to therapy for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it's because they are on the brink of divorce or separation, but sometimes it's for premartial counseling to prepare for the next step in their relationship. Sometimes it's just to address something that is hard to talk about alone, and sometimes it's to improve on something that is already working well.

Myth #3 If I chose the right partner, we shouldn’t need professional help navigating our issues

Reality: False. Not true. Seeking professional help doesn't always mean you're not with the right person. Seeing a couples therapist allows you and your partner to work on the hard things that you may be avoiding or suppressing. Healthy partners are open to bettering the relationship and seeking the support and resources to do just that. Therapy is a place where you can both gain tools and skills to better your connection, communication, closeness, and physical and emotional intimacy.

Myth #4 Couples therapy will only make things worse

Reality: False. Not true at all. Couples therapy may be hard and challenging for people, but it won't necessarily make things worse things worse. It can unlock feelings, emotions, and memories that may be hard to confront, but this will allow acceptance and acknowledgement in your relationship for things already present when you find a therapist you can trust who also highlights your strengths and wins--and maybe uses some humor to lighten things up every now and then.

Myth #5 Happy couples don’t fight

Reality: False. Absolutely not true. Even the "happiest" of couples have their disagreements and don't always get along. I would say a happy couple is subjective because happy looks different for every couple. It may see like the "happy" couple may not even have conflict, but behind closed doors, everyone is navigating something with their partner. Having conflict or disagreements is not a bad thing. If anything, it'll strengthen your relationship and bring you two closer together because you're seeking to be heard, seen, and loved by your partner under the surface of the conflict being had.

The journey of couples therapy can help build a strong foundation in your relationship. I cannot say it will be an easier journey, but I can admit it will shine light on areas that can help bring more clarity and perspective.

If you and your partner are curious and open to take the next step and seeking professional help, here at Riverbank Therapy we offer 20 minute consultations with a couples therapist to see if they're a good fit. Click here to schedule your free 20 minute consultation to work with an in-person couples therapist in Seattle, or a virtual couples therapist for clients in Washington state. I encourage you to take the leap and see what couples therapy can offer you and your partner.

And if you’re looking for other resources, here are a few other blog posts we have that are worth a read:

7 Tips for Better Emotional Connection With Your Partner

3 Books I'm Reading as a Marriage and Family Therapist

5 Tips for Talking To Your Partner about Couples Therapy

Premarital and Pre-Commitment Counseling

5 Tips for Talking To Your Partner about Couples Therapy

by Sophie Foster, LMFTA

Couples therapy can be helpful for couples to navigate their communication challenges, sex and intimacy issues, financial hardships, unhelpful relationship habits, and emotional disconnection. How to approach your partner about starting couples therapy may feel stressful and daunting. In this post, we'll share 5 tips on how to navigate this conversation with your partner.

#1 Ask Your Partner About Their Thoughts On Couples Therapy

This conversation takes lots of courage! The idea of individual therapy, couples, or family therapy may feel scary or overwhelming to many people, especially if they've never been to therapy before. There is a lot of stigma about therapy out in the world. There are also a lot of judgments about couples therapy itself.

Ask your partner, what is their view on therapy? Share with them what you think about couples therapy and how you think it could be helpful. Having an open and honest conversation together allows you both to share your thoughts and beliefs on therapy. Try to listen and identify any assumptions before challenging them and gently remind your partner about the reason behind your desire to attend couples therapy together, which is ultimately to better your relationship.

You may be avoiding the conversation with your partner because you're assuming they think couples therapy is stupid, or just for couples who want to split up (both are myths about couples therapy). Rather than making assumptions about what they think, ask them directly what their thoughts are on therapy and you can go from there. They might surprise you!

Approach the conversation with a statement like, "I feel nervous to bring this up to you because I care about our relationship and I worry you might take this the wrong way. I would like to discuss what you and I both think about the idea of couples therapy. I think writing down a pro's and con's list together could help us work better as a team and hear each other’s opinions better." Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. These are the tough conversations that will help you grow as a partner.

#2 Don’t Point Fingers (Avoid the Blame Game)

This tip helps set up the conversation for success. Avoiding blame can increase the likelihood that your partner is more open to couples therapy. Avoid going tit-for-tat, which is not helpful in general, and will not encourage your partner to go to couples therapy with you.  Take a few deep breaths and be gentle to yourself, and your partner. Using soft, gentle, and kind language while talking to your partner about your desire to attend couples therapy will create a safe place where defensiveness and criticism are decreased.  For example, if you are so upset with your partner and you don't think you can be gentle with them, I would ask to revisit the conversation when you both feel calmer and more able to be kind to each other, instead of using couples therapy as a threat or an ultimatum.

It is helpful to frame the conversation around what you want out of therapy as a team, and not what your partner "needs to fix." Approach the conversation by saying "I would really like to learn more about myself in this relationship through therapy and find better ways to support myself and you."

Try using "I" statements, such as "I am worried about how much we have been arguing and I feel like it would be helpful to seek professional help." This statement is specific, takes ownership, and avoids the blame and shame.

For example, how to bring up therapy when money is an issue, try using this statement with your partner, "I would really like to discuss our financial goals together, such as retirement plans, payoff debt, and home ownership. How do you feel about talking through this together with a therapist so we have someone objective to keep our conversations on track?"

Starting off with "I" statements shows that you are speaking about how you feel and not for your partner; ending with an open-ended question helps your partner have the space to share their perspective.

Try using this statement when infidelity has occurred: "I would really like to discuss going to couples therapy as an opportunity to rebuild us as a team and repair our relationship." Prepare yourself and your partner that you care about this relationship and are seeking to rebuild honesty and trust together. "I believe couples therapy can be a space to facilitate the hard conversations that I am struggling to have with you. I think therapy can provide us both with ways to better support each other."

Make sure to check in with yourself during these tough, emotional conversations. Your personal healing is a priority too.

#3 Listen Openly and Actively

As we all have been told at a young age, “put on your listening ears!” This conversation matters to you, and your partner may feel differently about the topic. Your partner may have a completely different perspective on couples therapy than you AND that is okay!  It's important to try to be curious about their experience and their thoughts.

Try to listen non-defensively, by asking yourself, what does it feel like in your body to when you feel defensive? What might my partner be feeling right now?

Noticing that and what is coming up for you and building empathy for your partner’s experience (even if you disagree with them) can help prevent and reduce the likelihood of defensiveness coming up. Take a few long deep breaths and check in with yourself about how you want to best show up in this conversation. Practicing this will help calm your brain and body down from reactions toward defensiveness.

#4 Consider Individual Therapy, too

Seeking individual therapy in addition to couples therapy can help you gain a different perspective, take accountability, and learn better skills and tools to help support yourself and your partner better. Even if you don’t go to couples therapy, individual therapy can be a useful space for you to process your feelings on your own, which can help you show up better in your relationship or the couples therapy process.

This space can help you break barriers, unhealthy patterns, and attachment wounds that are preventing you from progressing and growing with your partner. Individual therapy can be used to help you learn more about yourself and how to be a better partner. Working on yourself and putting in the time and effort towards your own healing journey, may help you feel more prepared for couples therapy.

#5 Discuss Next Steps

If you and your partner have come to an agreement about going to couples therapy, there may be other things preventing you both from attending. For example, you may have childcare needs to figure out or conflicting work schedules; in these cases, Telehealth may work better than in-person sessions. Taking the extra time to sort those areas out together, before seeking therapy can better prepare you both to prioritize couples therapy together.

Having a conversation together about specific qualities you're wanting within a therapist helps you both know what you are looking for in a therapist. Riverbank Therapy offers free 20-minute consultations that allow you to see if you would be a good fit with the couple therapist before committing to a session with them. This time can be used to ask any questions or concerns you and your partner may have towards couples therapy and clarify what you are looking for.

Dr. Sue Johnson, couples therapist, developer of Emotion-Focused Therapy, stated “Being the ‘best you can be’ is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.”

Check out Sue Johnsons books that help navigate relationships:

• Hold me Tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love  

• Love Sense: the revolutionary new science of romantic relationships 

You might also read other books to read together as a couple. Check out our blog post here on books recommended by another one of our couples therapists in Seattle:

Human connection is important and essential. We all crave and desire it. Strong relationships are valuable. Take your time while navigating what therapy means to you, having this conversation with your partner, and finding a couples therapist that works for you. I wish you the best in your healing journey with your partner!

If you’re in Washington state or the Seattle area, we have in person and virtual couples therapists with immediate openings. Click here to book a free 20 minute consultation now!

Marriage Therapist's Take On "Love Is Blind" Season 2

by: Abby Birk, LMFT

*Disclaimer: We have not met with these individuals or couples. We are not their therapists. We are not pathologizing or diagnosing. The purpose of this post is to explore common dynamics that show up in intimate relationships, in the hopes of providing helpful tools and strategies to build strong, happy, healthy relationships.

Couple: Shayne & Natalie

S2E5: "Leaving Paradise"  (32:29 - 36:09) - Expressing & Meeting Needs

At 33:55, Shayne covertly compliments Natalie by saying her dress looks sexy, though the context around the compliment is awkward (asking if she would wear that to meet his mom). Natalie then replies with humor to match a question that sounded ridiculous to her. You can see Shayne's demeanor totally changes, his face falls, his gaze lowers, and his body caves in on itself. Physical reactions like this can be a way to let our partners know when something is impacting us, if we're paying attention. This is a common defense mechanism: putting a piece of ourselves out there but with the protection of a funny comment or other distracting element. Natalie, of course, misses the subtext because of the awkwardly sandwiched compliment. We see this often happen in relationships- putting a feeler out there without being assertive or direct with your partner as a way to protect yourself from rejection or being missed by your partner.

It's a symptom of feeling insecure or vulnerable in saying how you really feel about someone. This is something that they struggled with throughout their relationship on the show. Then he asks "That's the person you love, right?" he is continuing to test her on if he is enough as he is, is he acceptable to her. She responds with a meek "Yeah." To which he responds in mock outrage, "Could you give me a little more love than that or no?" What he's really asking for is verbal assurance so that he can feel safe enough to go there emotionally with her and not get rejected and left heartbroken.

Natalie responds in a way where it seems she is expecting Shayne to be more confident in their relationship and not need verbal assurance or for her to "brag" about it to others. Unpacking this, we usually find narratives shaped by societal expectations and our families (i.e "men don't need reassurance" or specifically for certain POC communities, vulnerable reassurance communicated as verbal expression is not the most comfortable or typical way to communicate love, care, and respect.)

Shayne comments, "You gotta give our relationship a little more credit." I believe this is his way of asking for more softness from Natalie, more vulnerable statements about her true feelings about him and their relationship. In the conversation where Shayne reflects with Natalie on the lack of "good" things or affectionate language they share about their relationship: "How often do you say how good it is..? " Natalie responds, "Why do I have to?" He's not asking for what he needs, he's asking for her to change or be more like him...when there might be some cultural differences at play that make that less comfortable or less natural for her.

This would have been a good opportunity for Natalie to soften and really clarify what Shayne was noticing about their relationship and why it's important. DEFENSIVENESS IS A GREMLIN!! It's the vulnerable humanness in us trying to protect itself.

Usually, defensiveness shows up where we feel most vulnerable or insecure. And in light of the rest of the season, you can really come to understand Shayne's deep-seated fear of not being enough or not being accepted as he is. And this is why he's asking for reassurance, but he's not doing it in a direct and inviting way that allows Natalie to feel safe and open enough to listen and respond in a way that would increase emotional intimacy.

The conversation gets derailed quickly as they both get triggered into their defensive and protective postures.

Natalie's self-aware statement of "I'm just like shutting down during it right now." would have been a good time to stop the conversation, take a break, a few deep breaths, and to soften towards each other and lead with curiosity about their partner's needs, desires, and expectations.

If this feels right, adding in words of affirmation like: "This conversation is really hard, but I want to figure this out with you." "I love you and want you to feel heard."

And: "It's important to me that you can let me know what you need and we can find a way to support each other's needs without asking each other to change who we are."

In my work with heterosexual couples, asking a cisgender male-identified partner to compromise or change behavior can feel like a threat to their autonomy, sense of self, ego, and individuality. I'm often asking: Where's the line between healthy compromise, flexing to meet your partner's needs and losing sense of your own needs?

This is a difficult area for most couples I see in therapy, too. I think it's about normalizing that every couple has their differences that they need to manage, not solve. Like for this couple, maybe Natalie will never feel comfortable bragging openly about her private relationship, but she could assure Shayne with other types of affection, verbally or physically, to reassure him and make him aware of how she feels about him. They can create their own secret, shared language that communicates care and affection.

This could be a moment for Shayne to reassess his own needs and ask himself if he will feel fulfilled with a partner who has limitations in the area of verbal affection. Or, in the long run, he could acknowledge that what he's asking is challenging to Natalie and meet her efforts with appreciation. Compromise can be hard!

Both partners are still relatively new to each other and insecure and sussing each other out. That's where you can see a lot of these types of issues arise because you don't know how to ask for the reassurance and the vulnerability you're really seeking because you feel too vulnerable in even asking for it, for fear of not getting it. The "I'm done" comment from Shayne totally shatters the sense of we're in this together and really leaves each partner isolated and activated, which I'm sure, is not how this couple wanted the evening to end. Hopefully with our breakdown, you can see at which points the conversation derailed and what can be done differently to keep this type of important conversation on track.

Couple: Danielle & Nick

S2E6: "Back to Reality"  (32:08 - 36:00 ) - Anxiety & Insecurity

Danielle leads with a trap. Due to what appears to be negative past relationship experience and resulting anxious insecure attachment, Danielle is scared that Nick will leave her when he truly gets to know who he's going to marry. In an attempt to be open with Nick, she brings up her intrusive thoughts and how they makes her second guess Nick's commitment, basically overanalyzing his reaction to meeting her family. She then creates a trap for Nick because her assumptions are not based on how he says he feels, but are based on a fearful projection of how she interpreted the situation; therefore, there's no real opportunity for him to soothe her or convince her otherwise. In essence, she creates the very scenario she feared: Nick pulling away from her due to her flaws (i.e., anxiety).

Yikes! It seems like she was feeling extremely anxious about this interaction with her family and placed a lot of importance on the outcome of the day. But because he didn't express his emotion in the way that her self-constructed narrative told her he should have, it led her to believe that the day with her family wasn't as important to him as it was to her. Even when Nick responds that there were things that were troubling him, Danielle overlooks his own emotional needs or his even space to show up with differing emotions.

She jumped to conclusions that went from: you aren't expressing excitement in the way I want you to, and you are expressing negative emotions about something else, to: you aren't excited about how things went with my family, to: you don't love me "for the right reasons." This is an example of our assumptions getting in the way of truly emotionally connecting with our partners and creating space for all emotions, even contradictory ones that show up in the same day.

A helpful strategy for this moment: step back and listening in for when our own assumptions and storylines are not matching what our partners are attempting to explain. Helpful phrases look like "The story I made up in my head was this..." and leaving space for your partner to share their experience of the event as well. A response could be "Oh, I didn't know that's what you were going through or feeling in that moment, how can I better support you next time?" Ideally, both partners would engage with these helpful phrases at this point in the conversation.

I would start with validation. Nick did try to validate why this is so important to Danielle and reassure her. Danielle could have chosen to validate that Nick had other events and emotions outside of meeting her family. This would be a good time to say to each other: "This is important to you that I enjoy spending time with your family and I truly did enjoy them and I'm excited for what that means in the future." And Danielle could easily say, "I want to be there to support you when you're experiencing difficult feelings outside of the relationship." Conflict avoided. Instead the conversation devolves as both become triggered and activated into attack-and-defend mode. Leading to Danielle's "I can't do this anymore." The conversation did not need to end up in a place that felt threatening to their relationship, because the threat was due to anxiety, anxious thoughts, assumed expectations, and insecurity stemming from Danielle feeling extremely vulnerable and insecure about Nick choosing to marry her with her flaws and all. She created a self-fulfilling prophecy by letting her anxiety lead the conversation, pushing her partner away instead of pulling him closer and attuning to each other's emotional needs in the moment.

Interactions between couples are complicated. We miss cues for connection all the time because of past relationship experiences, our current emotional experience, or fears of the future. It's even worse when we unintentionally create conflict or derail productive conversations because of these reasons. Couples therapy can be a useful and supportive place to work through these stuck patterns, to catch each other's cues, and to build better communication strategies -- ultimately cultivating more safety and connection in the relationship.