5 Myths About Couples Therapy

by Sophie Foster, LMFTA

As a couples therapist, I hear it often from people who have never tried couples therapy: "Couples therapy won't do anything for my relationship" or "Couples therapy is a waste of time and money" or "We can never heal the pain from the past."

These statements are filled with hopelessness about their relationship. But I see them as rooted in fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, pain, unrealistic expectations of partner, myths, the inability to forgive yourself or your partner, or rooted in not wanting to begin a new start with your partner.

Going to couples therapy can be a scary step to take with your partner. Leaning into this uncomfortable process together can make you both stronger.

Here’s another blog post that might be helpful, on how to talk to your partner about starting couples therapy.

Couples may be avoiding therapy due to their own stigma or judgments surrounding couples therapy. My goal in this post is to shine light on common myths about couples therapy and in doing so bring clarity and hope in knowing that couples therapy can help and heal couples in a very approachable way.

Myth #1 You only go to couples therapy if you're about to split up

Reality: False. If you two are willing to put in the hard work in therapy and improve your relationship, then couples therapy will work. Couples therapy can be the space to become more self-aware, romantic, build trust, deepen your friendship, and strengthen your commitment to each other. Couples can learn how to show up for their partner better and acknowledge their faults; we all have them. Going to couples therapy doesn't mean you're ready to split up. It means you're ready to take a look at your relationship and do what it takes to make it work for the both of you, whatever the outcome of that may be.

 Myth #2 Couples who go to therapy shouldn't be together

Reality: False. This is not true. Just because you and your partner are seeking help doesn't mean you are not meant to be together. Therapy will have you see things that you don't want to about yourself and your partner. Going to therapy will allow you to learn new things about your partner and yourself. Seeking help is creating more space for you as an individual and couple to better love and support one another within your relationship. Going to therapy doesn't always have to lead to the couple parting ways. The couple can press the restart button and gain a new perspective within a therapeutic space. Couples go to therapy for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it's because they are on the brink of divorce or separation, but sometimes it's for premartial counseling to prepare for the next step in their relationship. Sometimes it's just to address something that is hard to talk about alone, and sometimes it's to improve on something that is already working well.

Myth #3 If I chose the right partner, we shouldn’t need professional help navigating our issues

Reality: False. Not true. Seeking professional help doesn't always mean you're not with the right person. Seeing a couples therapist allows you and your partner to work on the hard things that you may be avoiding or suppressing. Healthy partners are open to bettering the relationship and seeking the support and resources to do just that. Therapy is a place where you can both gain tools and skills to better your connection, communication, closeness, and physical and emotional intimacy.

Myth #4 Couples therapy will only make things worse

Reality: False. Not true at all. Couples therapy may be hard and challenging for people, but it won't necessarily make things worse things worse. It can unlock feelings, emotions, and memories that may be hard to confront, but this will allow acceptance and acknowledgement in your relationship for things already present when you find a therapist you can trust who also highlights your strengths and wins--and maybe uses some humor to lighten things up every now and then.

Myth #5 Happy couples don’t fight

Reality: False. Absolutely not true. Even the "happiest" of couples have their disagreements and don't always get along. I would say a happy couple is subjective because happy looks different for every couple. It may see like the "happy" couple may not even have conflict, but behind closed doors, everyone is navigating something with their partner. Having conflict or disagreements is not a bad thing. If anything, it'll strengthen your relationship and bring you two closer together because you're seeking to be heard, seen, and loved by your partner under the surface of the conflict being had.

The journey of couples therapy can help build a strong foundation in your relationship. I cannot say it will be an easier journey, but I can admit it will shine light on areas that can help bring more clarity and perspective.

If you and your partner are curious and open to take the next step and seeking professional help, here at Riverbank Therapy we offer 20 minute consultations with a couples therapist to see if they're a good fit. Click here to schedule your free 20 minute consultation to work with an in-person couples therapist in Seattle, or a virtual couples therapist for clients in Washington state. I encourage you to take the leap and see what couples therapy can offer you and your partner.

And if you’re looking for other resources, here are a few other blog posts we have that are worth a read:

7 Tips for Better Emotional Connection With Your Partner

3 Books I'm Reading as a Marriage and Family Therapist

5 Tips for Talking To Your Partner about Couples Therapy

Premarital and Pre-Commitment Counseling

5 Tips for Talking To Your Partner about Couples Therapy

by Sophie Foster, LMFTA

Couples therapy can be helpful for couples to navigate their communication challenges, sex and intimacy issues, financial hardships, unhelpful relationship habits, and emotional disconnection. How to approach your partner about starting couples therapy may feel stressful and daunting. In this post, we'll share 5 tips on how to navigate this conversation with your partner.

#1 Ask Your Partner About Their Thoughts On Couples Therapy

This conversation takes lots of courage! The idea of individual therapy, couples, or family therapy may feel scary or overwhelming to many people, especially if they've never been to therapy before. There is a lot of stigma about therapy out in the world. There are also a lot of judgments about couples therapy itself.

Ask your partner, what is their view on therapy? Share with them what you think about couples therapy and how you think it could be helpful. Having an open and honest conversation together allows you both to share your thoughts and beliefs on therapy. Try to listen and identify any assumptions before challenging them and gently remind your partner about the reason behind your desire to attend couples therapy together, which is ultimately to better your relationship.

You may be avoiding the conversation with your partner because you're assuming they think couples therapy is stupid, or just for couples who want to split up (both are myths about couples therapy). Rather than making assumptions about what they think, ask them directly what their thoughts are on therapy and you can go from there. They might surprise you!

Approach the conversation with a statement like, "I feel nervous to bring this up to you because I care about our relationship and I worry you might take this the wrong way. I would like to discuss what you and I both think about the idea of couples therapy. I think writing down a pro's and con's list together could help us work better as a team and hear each other’s opinions better." Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. These are the tough conversations that will help you grow as a partner.

#2 Don’t Point Fingers (Avoid the Blame Game)

This tip helps set up the conversation for success. Avoiding blame can increase the likelihood that your partner is more open to couples therapy. Avoid going tit-for-tat, which is not helpful in general, and will not encourage your partner to go to couples therapy with you.  Take a few deep breaths and be gentle to yourself, and your partner. Using soft, gentle, and kind language while talking to your partner about your desire to attend couples therapy will create a safe place where defensiveness and criticism are decreased.  For example, if you are so upset with your partner and you don't think you can be gentle with them, I would ask to revisit the conversation when you both feel calmer and more able to be kind to each other, instead of using couples therapy as a threat or an ultimatum.

It is helpful to frame the conversation around what you want out of therapy as a team, and not what your partner "needs to fix." Approach the conversation by saying "I would really like to learn more about myself in this relationship through therapy and find better ways to support myself and you."

Try using "I" statements, such as "I am worried about how much we have been arguing and I feel like it would be helpful to seek professional help." This statement is specific, takes ownership, and avoids the blame and shame.

For example, how to bring up therapy when money is an issue, try using this statement with your partner, "I would really like to discuss our financial goals together, such as retirement plans, payoff debt, and home ownership. How do you feel about talking through this together with a therapist so we have someone objective to keep our conversations on track?"

Starting off with "I" statements shows that you are speaking about how you feel and not for your partner; ending with an open-ended question helps your partner have the space to share their perspective.

Try using this statement when infidelity has occurred: "I would really like to discuss going to couples therapy as an opportunity to rebuild us as a team and repair our relationship." Prepare yourself and your partner that you care about this relationship and are seeking to rebuild honesty and trust together. "I believe couples therapy can be a space to facilitate the hard conversations that I am struggling to have with you. I think therapy can provide us both with ways to better support each other."

Make sure to check in with yourself during these tough, emotional conversations. Your personal healing is a priority too.

#3 Listen Openly and Actively

As we all have been told at a young age, “put on your listening ears!” This conversation matters to you, and your partner may feel differently about the topic. Your partner may have a completely different perspective on couples therapy than you AND that is okay!  It's important to try to be curious about their experience and their thoughts.

Try to listen non-defensively, by asking yourself, what does it feel like in your body to when you feel defensive? What might my partner be feeling right now?

Noticing that and what is coming up for you and building empathy for your partner’s experience (even if you disagree with them) can help prevent and reduce the likelihood of defensiveness coming up. Take a few long deep breaths and check in with yourself about how you want to best show up in this conversation. Practicing this will help calm your brain and body down from reactions toward defensiveness.

#4 Consider Individual Therapy, too

Seeking individual therapy in addition to couples therapy can help you gain a different perspective, take accountability, and learn better skills and tools to help support yourself and your partner better. Even if you don’t go to couples therapy, individual therapy can be a useful space for you to process your feelings on your own, which can help you show up better in your relationship or the couples therapy process.

This space can help you break barriers, unhealthy patterns, and attachment wounds that are preventing you from progressing and growing with your partner. Individual therapy can be used to help you learn more about yourself and how to be a better partner. Working on yourself and putting in the time and effort towards your own healing journey, may help you feel more prepared for couples therapy.

#5 Discuss Next Steps

If you and your partner have come to an agreement about going to couples therapy, there may be other things preventing you both from attending. For example, you may have childcare needs to figure out or conflicting work schedules; in these cases, Telehealth may work better than in-person sessions. Taking the extra time to sort those areas out together, before seeking therapy can better prepare you both to prioritize couples therapy together.

Having a conversation together about specific qualities you're wanting within a therapist helps you both know what you are looking for in a therapist. Riverbank Therapy offers free 20-minute consultations that allow you to see if you would be a good fit with the couple therapist before committing to a session with them. This time can be used to ask any questions or concerns you and your partner may have towards couples therapy and clarify what you are looking for.

Dr. Sue Johnson, couples therapist, developer of Emotion-Focused Therapy, stated “Being the ‘best you can be’ is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.”

Check out Sue Johnsons books that help navigate relationships:

• Hold me Tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love  

• Love Sense: the revolutionary new science of romantic relationships 

You might also read other books to read together as a couple. Check out our blog post here on books recommended by another one of our couples therapists in Seattle:

Human connection is important and essential. We all crave and desire it. Strong relationships are valuable. Take your time while navigating what therapy means to you, having this conversation with your partner, and finding a couples therapist that works for you. I wish you the best in your healing journey with your partner!

If you’re in Washington state or the Seattle area, we have in person and virtual couples therapists with immediate openings. Click here to book a free 20 minute consultation now!

Premarital and Pre-Commitment Counseling

By: Abby Lombardo, LMFT

What is Prepare/Enrich?

Prepare/Enrich is a program used with couples to improve the quality and satisfaction of their relationship via an evidence-supported assessment that allows for personalized feedback, discussion, and relationship skills training.  It serves well as Premarital & Pre-commitment Counseling, in addition to a relationship tune-up & check-in for couples at any stage in their relationship.

Who is it for?

The assessment customizes itself automatically based on the general demographic information provided by the couple at the time of taking the assessment. The assessment itself takes about 30-45 minutes, taken by each individual separately and costs $35. The assessment asks questions related to your attitudes and what you think your partner’s attitudes are towards roles, commitment, dynamics, conflict, family, spirituality, and personality in the context of your relationship. It is not a pass/fail type of test. Research-backed, the assessment gives a snapshot depiction of your relationship and its strengths and growth areas, which then become the content for our following sessions. We identify where you might require the help of some more tools or insight and practice right there in session the very skills you’ll use outside the therapy room.

Couples who can benefit from Prepare/Enrich include premarital couples, couples thinking about taking the next step in their relationship whether that is engagement, marriage, or neither. Couples in later stages of their relationship are also encouraged to try this program, as it can teach skills that are helpful for everyday fights and recurring struggles, and even stepfamily-specific issues.

It can be used as prevention and a tune-up for strong relationships or a honed-in detector for problematic areas in struggling relationships.

What will I get from it?

As a trained facilitator, I will walk you through your personalized feedback highlighting strengths and matching growth areas with skills and education. We meet for as many sessions as you would like to dive into the rich information provided by your answers to the assessment -- many couples choose to meet for 6-10 one-hour sessions.

We’ll have some fun as well as some honest, open dialogue that gets to the heart of your experience in your relationship--the good and the not so good.

You will leave our time together with a better understanding of yourselves not only as individuals but as a team, feeling more prepared to take on future challenges with the insight, knowledge, and skills acquired from our sessions.

Skills training addresses important skills such as assertiveness (how to effectively ask for what you need or want from your partner/relationship), conflict resolution (10 step formula to help you walk through disagreement), and stress management (how to address stressors as a couple). It makes sense then that taking the Prepare/Enrich assessment prior to marriage has been found to reduce your risk of divorce by 30%!

Every couple has patterns they must acknowledge, address, and work on together if they are to be successful in navigating this modern-day world with its many distractions and demands. The Prepare/Enrich program reminds us that relationships take work.

One more time, in case you missed that: Every relationship takes work.

The work can be hard, but also very rewarding. Not many people have had access to a “How To Have Successful Relationships” course that prepares them with the knowledge and skills they need to have satisfying, happy, healthy relationships throughout their lifespan. Consider the Prepare/Enrich program your personalized relationship course, specifically molded to your relationship’s unique needs.

It’s never too late to learn how to do relationship better or to learn the skills that can improve your connection and communication.

If you’re interested in benefitting from the Prepare/Enrich program, reach out to us on the contact page and request to work with Abby!

Source: Why Prepare-Enrich? Prepare-Enrich. Retrieved from: https://www.prepare-enrich.com/couples/why-prepare-enrich/