How Riverbank Therapy Got Its Name

by Founder, Toni Aswegan, LMHC, NCC

It is surprisingly difficult to name a therapy practice. When I started Riverbank Therapy, I knew I wanted to expand into a group practice and so I did not want to name it “Toni Aswegan Therapy”. That makes no sense if other therapists would also be working in the practice in the future (which, they are! This team is kickass). I wanted to find a name for the practice that would be encompassing of all sizes of the practice, and that reflected the type of work we do here.

I also didn’t want it to be cheesy AF.

My partner and I sat at dinner for a month throwing words back and forth:

“Rise”…

“Thrive”…

”Evolve”…

all the words you might associate with the therapy process.

Also, all words that felt meaningless and corny to me (no shade at practices with these names, they just don’t feel authentic to me or how I practice therapy).

So, in a last ditch effort to find a good name, I went to my trusty bookshelf. I read voraciously, especially books about therapy, human development, mindfulness, and emotions. I keep all of the books I’ve read related to my work on my office bookshelf, and often reference my notes and highlights in those books.

In the search for a name, I pulled down the books that had the biggest impact on my therapy style and my own personal growth.

Books like the Body Keeps the Score, Trauma Stewardship, and, Wherever You Go, There You Are.

I started flipping through pages, and reading the excerpts I had underlined.

In writing this blog post I went back through several of those books to find the exact quote that inspired me, but alas, I could not find it again! It must have truly been kismet that I found it once and not again.

 In any case, one of the underlined sections described mindfulness practice as sitting on the banks of a river, watching the current go by, carrying sticks and leaves with it, but staying grounded and steady on the riverbank.

It was perfect. Riverbank Therapy.

As a long time meditator, and a therapist who brings mindfulness practices into sessions with clients, this was it. A metaphor for being present, observing, and not being swept up by the currents. Not only is that what I do as a therapist, it’s what I support my clients in learning how to do with their own emotions, and is much of the magic of the therapy process.

Not to mention, “Riverbank” didn’t sound cheesy to me. A win all around.

So, there you have it! Riverbank Therapy. Mindfulness, grounded-ness, presence.

If you want to work with one of our therapists, head to our contact form and we’ll get your free 20 minute consultation scheduled. Like I said, we have a RAD team of therapists here, and our intake coordinator can help you find the best fit.

How Therapy and Politics Are Related

(by Toni Aswegan, LMHC)

THERAPY IS POLITICAL.

We can and should and must talk about politics, as therapists. Not in every single individual therapy session, but as therapists we have an ethical duty to be engaged politically, and address barriers that impact our clients’ well-being. Its part of our ethics code (ACA code section A.7.a).

One of many reasons I say therapy is political is that there are 3 different realms where trauma healing happens:

1) Auto-regulation, or self-regulation. This is stuff you do on your own to care for yourself. This is deep breathing, going on a run, listening to music, eating a snack, laying on the ground, practicing self-compassion, meditation, journaling, dancing. Really anything you do on your own that helps soothe your stress response is considered “self-regulation”.

2) Co-regulation. This is stuff you do with other people to care for and with each other. Getting a hug, having a good conversation, laughing, playing with your dog, looking at someone else’s eyes, being told you are loved. These moments of connection in safe relationships regulates your nervous system differently than when you are on your own.

3) JUSTICE. Some call it social justice, but Rev angel kyodo williams has said that all justice is social, so let's just call it justice. We can build safety through self- and co-regulation, BUT IF OUR BODIES ARE NOT OBJECTIVELY SAFE IN THE WORLD, healing is so much more difficult. I don't want you to regulate your nervous system to adapt to oppressive systems and circumstances. Those circumstances need to change. Until black and brown bodies, womxn bodies, trans bodies, queer bodies, Jewish bodies, larger bodies and disabled bodies are safe in the world, we cannot focus only on self and co-regulation as a path to healing. We have to actively work to make the world 1) a place where less injury and trauma happen in the first place, and 2) a place where people can heal and feel safe.

This is not the job of those who experience a lack of safety through oppression and discrimination. This is on those of us with privilege and power.

Healing work is justice work. Therapy is political.

When I say "therapy is political", I do NOT mean:

-we talk about politics all the time in therapy (unless it's a goal of yours);

-we talk about politics if my clients don't want to;

-we try to convince clients to vote in a particular way.

When I say "therapy is political", I mean:

-your mental health is impacted by the systems you live within, and healing is not an entirely individual process;

-we will acknowledge the impact of those oppressive systems in your therapy process;

-if appropriate and agreed upon between therapist and client, we will discuss ways to challenge those systems and ways to continue to live as safely as possible within them;

-as a therapist, we fight, outside the therapy room, to create social change and justice (because it is the right thing to do, and also because that supports change inside the therapy room).

This shows up differently in every therapy session, for every therapist and every client. It shows up differently for every therapist even outside of the therapy room. But, therapy and politics are certainly intertwined.

How to Cope with Shame

First things first: Guilt and shame are NOT the same emotion.

Guilt is "I did a bad thing." Shame is "I am bad."

Both are natural human emotions.

Guilt is useful (when it's actually called for). It calls you in to notice when your behavior is out of line with your values. Socially, it spurs you to apologize and do better in the future. In this way, guilt can be useful. (Guilt can certainly take over and become not useful, like we often see with depression or anxiety, so we're not talking about that kind of guilt right now).

Shame, on the other hand, is not useful. Shame says "you are bad, and you no longer belong in society." This is not helpful. Shame prohibits empathy and curiosity, and so gets in the way of even wanting to learn how to do better. Shame also gives you no incentive to change, because you are already "outcast".

**You might at this point be feeling shame about feeling shame. "What is wrong with me that I keep feeling this useless emotion?!" Please be nice to yourself. You are human, and shame is part of being human. We fear disconnection more than almost anything, and shame grows out of this fear. That's okay.**

You might notice that shame has a stronger physical/somatic presence than guilt. It might feel physically different than guilt--showing up in different places in your body with different patterns.

The thoughts associated with guilt and shame are also different.

Guilt thoughts tend to sound like:

"I wish I had called my friend earlier when I knew they were struggling."

"I should have studied more for that test."

"Lying like that was not okay, I don't feel good about that."

Shame thoughts tend to sound like:

"I'm a terrible friend for not being supportive. I don't deserve friends."

"I'm so stupid. I'm an idiot for not studying more and failing the test."

"I am a liar, no one can trust me."

You can practice moving from shame to guilt. Separate the BEHAVIOR from YOURSELF. (Contrary to popular? belief, you are more than your behaviors.) This can help you from spiraling from guilt, to shame, to hopelessness, even to feeling suicidal.

Questions to reflect on:

What did you actually do/not do?

Was this in line with your values or not?

Can you talk to yourself about the behavior and avoid making a global evaluation of yourself? (See above examples of guilt vs shame talk.)

What can you do to make amends? (Apologize, plan how to change your behavior in the future, etc).

And, as always, practice self-compassion. Everyone makes mistakes. It's human to fuck up. You're still good enough and loveable, even when you fuck up.

So how do we sit with shame??

Like many other emotions:

1) Identify THAT you are feeling it in the first place. Name the emotion: "this is shame."

2) Notice where and how you are experiencing shame in your body. I often feel it as sweaty pits, red face, heavy heart, and difficulty breathing. It will show up differently for all of us. For many who have experienced trauma, shame comes with a hypoaroused collapsed state and dissociation (below the window of tolerance). Notice this.

3) Write down or name what thoughts are coming with shame. "I'm the worst, everyone hates me, I don't deserve what I have..."etc.

4) Separate those thoughts from the moment that triggered shame:

-Maybe you did something you regret, shift "I am awful for doing that" to "That was out of line with my values, can I apologize or do better in the future?"

-Maybe you were just vulnerable with a friend, and now are questioning your disclosure. How did your friend respond? Were they supportive? Are there signs you will be rejected? More likely than not, they responded well and were supportive. Check those facts, and remind yourself that you are worthy of love and connection.

5) SELF-COMPASSION. Remind yourself that we all experience shame, that it is related to our fear of disconnection and abandonment. Remind yourself that all humans make mistakes, it is human to be imperfect, and that imperfect connection is what we're here for. Go for a walk, take a bath, play with your dog...do something that nourishes your soul and shows yourself care.

Pre and Post Therapy Session Recommendations

Your time just before and right after therapy is just as important as the actual session.

Here's what we recommend before your therapy session:

-review your journal from last week to your refresh memory about what you talked about and orient back towards your therapy process

-ask yourself how you are feeling (you know your therapist is gonna ask!!)

-ask yourself what, if anything specific, you feel you need today in therapy (it's okay if you don't know, your therapist can help you explore this),

-reflect on how you want to spent the session, note anything specific you want to talk about today,

-take a sip of water and a few deep breaths.

Don't (or try not to): rush to therapy from another meeting/task/place...take transition time (even with virtual therapy). This will help you gather yourself and get more out of your sessions. Otherwise, you have to spend the first 5-10 or more minutes just getting oriented to the change of scene/emotional tone/relationship.

Here's what we recommend after therapy:

-take a few deep breaths, don't just rush to the next thing,

-get out your journal! Write about:

-what are your key takeaways from the session?

 -what do you want to remember this time next week?

-what do you want to practice during the week? when/how will you do that? 

-what was your homework, if your therapist gave you any? how do you feel about this homework? when will you do it? if you feel hesitation about the homework, what makes it feel difficult/scares you about it?

-reflect on how you can take care of yourself for the rest of the day?

-drink water. breathe, eat a snack, take a nap.

This post-therapy integration is where you can set intentions for the week. It's where you can take the hard work of therapy and start to explore how you can apply it to your actual day to day life. Remember, therapy is only one out of 168 hours in a week!