Connecting to Your Body

"How do you know what your body needs?? Sorry if that is a silly question."

I got asked this question recently, and needed to share that…This is not a silly question AT ALL. We are brought up to disconnect from our bodies. We are trained to ignore, silence or control our body's needs. Of course it's difficult to know what your body needs and how to give her that.

You're told to clear your plate, even though you're full.

You're told to dress a certain way, because your shoulders are "distracting" to the boys at school.

You're told to raise your hand in order to go oee.

You're told to stop crying.

You're told to sit still and be quiet, when you want to talk and move.

That's almost all of us. On top of that, you may have experienced trauma as a child and/or as an adult, and trauma-related survival reactions often lead to dissociation and disconnection from the body, furthering the disconnect.

I say all of this to remind you that connecting to your body can be extraordinarily difficult, and at times painful. We live in a society and many of us grew up in a family that does not value the information coming from your body, and sees her as another object to control and overcome. It's hard to listen for the needs of your body when you've been taught to ignore, silence or control them.

The process of reconnection is unlearning this training, and relearning how to be in connection with your whole self.

Questions to reconnect with your body's needs:

1) consistently (like, several times a day) ask yourself: "what am I feeling right now?" Look for emotions and body sensations.

—name what emotion(s) you're feeling. Check in with each part of your body (or start with one part if that feels more doable and safer): what sensations are in your feet? Legs? Low back? Chest? Upper back? Face? Check out this body sensations list. Name those sensations, which will help you connect emotional states to how they show up as sensation in your body, and will help lead to you what your body might need in that moment.

2) consistently (like, several times a day), as yourself: "what do I need right now?" Base your answers off of things like comfort, relieving pain, exploring stillness vs movement.

—Are you cold? grab a blanket and see what happens.

—Do you notice dryness in your mouth, or a grumbling in your belly? drink some water and/or eat a snack and notice how that changes things.

—Do you have some tension in your upper back? Get up and stretch or move a bit, and notice how that shifts the tension.

Take an experimental, curious attitude. Rather than "this sensation is horrible and uncomfortable", just notice "hmm, there's some tension in my shoulders, I wonder what happens if I move my arms around or change my posture."

Just noting the emotion, body sensations, and various actions that might shift your experience is part of how you begin to hone in on what your body needs and respond to those needs more consistently.

This takes time and practice. Please be patient and kind with yourself.

Why and How To Reconnect With Your Body

Why get in touch with your body?

What is the point of becoming embodied?

For those of us who tend to live in our heads and feel more comfortable in thinking, connecting with your body might feel pointless. For those of us who have a history of trauma and feel safer disconnected, connecting with your body might feel scary. For those of us who have been doing this disconnection for a long time, it might feel impossible (more on this tomorrow).

So why is it so important? Why are somatic therapies and connection to the body something you see on every other post these days?

It's because it helps (in short).

In long:

Becoming embodied allows deeper communication with yourself. It helps you align with your values, live with intention, and cultivate empathy for others. 

Your body is wise AF. It has data and information that you need to take care of yourself and be taken care of.

When you're disconnected from your body, it has to start screaming for you to pay attention and take care. But when you are more connected, more embodied, you can begin to hear the whispers.

You can hear the quiet conversation inside and respond so it doesn't escalate to screaming. You can get your needs met needs more effectively, because you hear them before they become desperate to get met. You can drink water when you're a little thirsty rather than chug when you're parched. You can soothe anxiety when it's just a trickle, before it becomes a flood of panic.

Meeting your needs builds trust in yourself. You show up for yourself, because you're listening to your whole self.

Not saying this is easy, or comes automatically. Just that it's important, and takes practice.

How do you practice this?

Are you struggling to reconnect with your body?

Do you ask "what am I feeling in my body" and come up with nothing?

You're not alone. This disconnection makes sense. Often, living in our heads and outside of our bodies helps create safety, especially if you have been through a trauma. It makes sense that you don't feel much when you try to sense what is there. You've been protecting yourself from what you might find. Two reminders: 1) You don't have to try this. 2) If you feel ready to, or feel safe enough to create more connection with your body but are struggling, you might try this:

-ask yourself, when/how did/does it serve you to live in your mind? Explore your relationship with your body and what protection the disconnection has given you. Rather than directly trying to feel what's happening in your body, maybe start with thinking about your relationship to your body to build a little more safety with the process.  

-break it down into smaller parts. Notice a specific part of your body rather than asking the question as a whole. "What do I feel in my right shoulder?" rather than "What sensation is in my body?" This can feel less overwhelming.

-create sensation to feel. Squeeze gently up and down your arm, and notice the change after you stop. Do a few jumping jacks, and notice what happens. Pet your dog, drink some water, put on a heating pad, hold an ice cube, and notice what sensations show up there.

Be kind to yourself as you do this. Know that it is a practice, and that connection will ebb and flow. If you begin to feel unsafe, move to something else.

What else helps you connect?

5 Ways to Cultivate Self-Love

Self-love is a game-changer.⁠ Your life radically changes when you start to care for yourself the way you care for those around you. And love is a verb, it comes through actions. You cultivate self-love when you show up for yourself, consistently and with compassion. It takes practice.

What I’ve noticed over time, is that the belief “I am unloveable” begins to shift to a belief that “I am loveable” when people consistently treat themselves as if the latter is true, even when it doesn’t feel that way.

I don't buy the bullshit that says "no one will love you until you love yourself"...because it's just not true. You will still be loved even if you don't love yourself, but that love will be harder to accept and savor. You might find yourself pushing love away, fearing that people will leave you or “find you out”. When you practice loving yourself, you’re more able to be present with the love other people are showing you.

Self-love can come in a lot of forms, but these are five tried and true ways that I know help develop self-love:⁠

1) 🖤Stop judging others.

What you're judging in them is something you reject about yourself, or it's just plain mean and feeding into focusing on the negative about yourself. Stop judging others and notice how much easier it is to be kind to yourself and feel connected in any situation.⁠ This is a practice I adopted several years ago, and it made massive shifts in how I looked at other people and myself.

2) 🕵️‍♀️Observe your inner critic.

Notice the mean shit she's saying to you daily! Would you say that to your best friend? Are those shame-y thoughts helping you get anywhere? NO.⁠

3) 💥Challenge those statements with something that is true, kind AND useful.

Yes, all three. True (because maybe you did fuck that thing up), but how can you say it in a way that is KIND and USEFUL at the same time? Not "you're such a failure, you really messed that up", but instead "that didn't go well, you made a few mistakes, here's how you can do better next time/learn from this". Way kinder.⁠

4) ❓Ask, "what do I feel right now?"

Isn't this how we so often show people we care? We want to know how they're feeling and what's going on in their lives. Get curious about your own experience, without so much judgement. It's amazing what can change just through asking yourself "what do I feel right now?⁠

5) 🌮Ask "what do I really need?"...and give that to yourself!

This is another way we show that we care. We support our loved ones, we try to meet their (reasonable) needs, we do what we can to SHOW UP for them.⁠

How can you show up and show love for yourself today??

Want to show yourself love by giving yourself the gift of therapy? Click here to schedule your complimentary consultation.

Tips for Self-Care: It's More Than Just Treating Yourself

“Self-care” is such a buzzword lately--I’d like to help you break down what it actually means, and what self-care might look like for you.

First things first: it isn't always “TREAT YO'SELF”. This is often the image we get when we think of self-care: relaxing, spa days, mani/pedis, glasses of wine in the bathtub. Yes, these can be self-care. But sometimes self-care is HARD--like setting a clear boundary with your partner or buckling down on your to-do list.

Self-care is about supporting your health and well-being, which means the intention behind your self-care matters.

If you’re drinking wine in the bathtub because you’re avoiding a hard but necessary conversation, that’s not self-care...it’s avoidance. But if you’re doing it because you know you have had a long day and need to relax, then it’s self-care.

If you’re going to the gym to “make up” for the cheeseburger you ate last night--that’s not self-care, it’s punishment and does not actually support your well-being. But if you’re taking an extra barre class because you love the community, encouragement, and bumpin’ playlists, *that’s* self-care.

Try to add nuance to what you consider self-care. If what you’re doing is with the intention of improving your well-being, coming from a place of kindness and self-compassion--*that’s* self-care.

Second things second: let’s talk about GUILT. The bugaboo of self-care.

You might be avoiding self-care because you don’t feel like you deserve it. Your energy is going into taking care of other people--your partner, your kids, your friends, your coworkers--and you worry that taking time away from them to care for yourself makes you look selfish.

You might push through your cold symptoms until you’re so sick that you HAVE to stay home from work. You might ignore signs of burnout and anxiety until you NEED a long vacation to recover. You might grit your teeth and keep taking care of other people until one day you just lose it. 

Sure, as humans, we are primed to react instead of prevent. We don’t feel we need to act on something until the consequences are right in our face. But…“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

And here’s the thing, friend: SELF-CARE IS NOT SELFISH. You don’t have to earn it or prove that you need it.

You deserve to be cared for, especially by yourself. You are a wonderful human being, and taking care of yourself actually helps you be *more wonderful* to the other people you care for. You won’t be as tired, disconnected or burned out. When you put yourself at the top of your list, you end up being more present, energized and compassionate to everyone. I call that a win-win.

Now that we’ve got those two misconceptions out of the way...we can talk about the different facets of self-care. I break it down into three main areas:

ONE: PHYSICAL HEALTH

Know that physical health is about how you move and nourish your body, as well as your relationship to your body. Try to do this arena of self-care with an attitude of respect, compassion and appreciation for your body, no matter what shape and size it is. We are healthier all around when we disconnect our appearance from our health.

Caring for your physical health should always include basics like sleep (I put this at number one for everyone), drink water, shower, brush your teeth, and eat healthy (whatever that means for you, knowing that eating healthy is not just about *what* you eat, but also about your *relationship* to food).

It should also include things like joyful movement and seeing your doctor and dentist regularly (yes, even though you’re not a kid anymore, you should still be getting yearly check-ups!). 

Attending to your physical health might also include extras like a manicure, long baths or a massage. TREAT YO SELF (but reasonably. Part of self-care is also attending to your financial situation).

Experiment with what makes your body feel good and helps you feel good in your body, and do those things regularly.

TWO: EMOTIONAL HEALTH

This section of self-care is MY JAM. Your emotional health is just as important as your physical health. In fact, your emotional health *directly impacts* your physical health. High levels of chronic stress, for example, can inhibit your immune system and make you more susceptible to short-term or even chronic illness. Your emotional and mental experiences are powerful forces. Take care of yourself here.

Emotional self-care can include daily emotional check ins, journaling, meditation and going to therapy.

Practice getting in touch with your emotional experience. Feel your feelings, rather than avoiding them or pushing them away. Even when you avoid them, they find a way to get felt later on, so you might as well do it now! Notice where you feel your emotions in your body; observe the sensations that are associated with each feeling state (for example: stress, for me, feels like nausea, loss of appetite, tightness in my chest, and tension in my shoulders). Name the emotion you feel: sadness, anxiety, happiness, contentment, love, grief, etc. Just naming an emotion has a huge amount of power. Then, observe the *thoughts* that are happening alongside that emotion. For example, my stress often comes with thoughts like “I’m never going to get this blog post done; When will I have time to do my laundry this week?” Observe these thoughts, and practice mindfully thanking them for their service, and grounding back into the present moment. Mindfulness meditation is the single best tool I know for emotional health. I could write an entire other post about that--for another day! 

Express your emotions, to yourself and to someone else. Finding support is amazing here.

Remember, emotions are information, and motivators for action. Acknowledge and listen to them without judging yourself.

Notice an emotion and tend to it right away. Go to therapy, journal and meditate and you will have fewer panic attacks, experience less depression, feel less stressed and more present. Attend to your emotions, and do your self-care plan EVEN WHEN YOU FEEL FINE.

THREE: SOCIAL/SPIRITUAL HEALTH

Connection is healing, y’all. Caring for yourself socially and spiritually can include things like time with friends, playing with your pet, prayer, and being in nature. Even if you’re an introvert, you still need connection. 

Find what makes you feel connected to people and the world/higher power/the universe (whatever spirituality is for you) and put those things on your self-care list. Healing doesn’t happen in isolation, and doesn’t work as well when we are disconnected from our place within the whole.

Create a self-care plan for yourself!

Take some time to reflect on what you already know works for you in each of these three areas. Come up with a long list of self-care actions, both the “treat yo’self” kind and the more difficult kind. Write these things down in your journal! This list can become your menu when you make time for yourself (every day), both when times are good and when times are rough. You don’t need to do all the things all the time, but aim for at least a few from each category consistently. 

And remember: self-care is not selfish. You deserve it. Take care of yourself.

With love,

Toni

P.S. Therapy is a great way to access self-care! Schedule a free 20 minute consultation here!